need some advise

[Scared1963]

My husband was diagnosed hiv pos in july07, we have been together since 92. I tested negative. I know this is going to sound bad but after finding this out in 07 we have not had sex. Not because he doesn't want to but I'm so afraid of getting it. In my mind nothing is 100%, except not doing anything. I know he is frustrated now that its been 8yrs, his cd4 is above 500 now, and undetectable vl.  Has there been anyone that has the same situation. And how did you overcome it.

[leatherman]

while his cd4 count doesn't matter in this case, the PARTNER study shows that someone with an UD viral load (for at least 6 months) has a nearly zero chance of transmission. This nearly 3 yr long study of several thousand people (straight and gay) recording nearly 100,000 sex acts has had ZERO transmissions. This study shows that successfully treating a person living with HIV stops transmission (treatment as prevention). So that's good point #1.

Good point #2 is PrEP. Truvada can be taken by an HIV negative person as a preventative for HIV. Taken daily, Truvada provides anywhere from 92-99% protection. Taken just 4 times a week, PrEP still provides 70-90% protection. Studies show that if you take PrEP every day, it reaches its maximum protection in blood at 20 days, in rectal tissue at about 7 days, and in vaginal tissues at about 20 days.

Condoms, PrEP, and TasP (treatment as prevention) are all tools in the HIV prevention toolbox. If you used just one of them, you would give yourself a whole lot of protection against getting infected with HIV. Using two or more, quite frankly, will protect you to nearly 100%.

Heterosexual couples have been using these methods for years to not infect their partners while trying to have a baby. According to the CDC guidelines: for heterosexual couples where one partner has HIV and the other does not, PrEP is one of several options to protect the uninfected partner during conception and pregnancy.

I hope some of this has eased your mind. Taking proactive steps of condoms, TasP and PrEP will not only protect you but allow you to move forward with your stalled out sex life. I hope you talk to your doctor (or his) about using PrEP. I would also suggest that counseling might be helpful too. It could help you with your fears and medical facts; and with the adjustments that will come as you two resume sex after all these years.

I say this with all goodwill, I hope you get laid soon.  Sex is pretty awesome, and no one should have to forego it when a few precautions would you keep you HIV-.

[Danigirl]

Hello, Scared1963. Sorry to hear of your husband's diagnosis. I too am in a serodiscordant relationship. My husband was diagnosed almost 3yrs ago. Despite, our fairly active sex life, I have remained negative. He has been undetectable since about 6mths into his diagnosis. Even though as Leatherman has stated the risk of transmission is extremely low while undetectable  we choose to use condoms.  I can't  say even in the beginning I have ever felt really unsafe to continue to be intimate with my husband, I can understand your concern. Have you ever attended counseling? Maybe that would help you get through some of our fears.  Anyway, I wish you two the best of luck!

[Headocea]

My husband was diagnosed hiv pos in july07, we have been together since 92. I tested negative. I know this is going to sound bad but after finding this out in 07 we have not had sex. Not because he doesn't want to but I'm so afraid of getting it. In my mind nothing is 100%, except not doing anything. I know he is frustrated now that its been 8yrs, his cd4 is above 500 now, and undetectable vl.  Has there been anyone that has the same situation. And how did you overcome it.

that's really frustrating but I've heard also that a man who infected his ex-wife with HIV has been ordered to pay her $12.5 million (£8.3m). I think it would be safe if your husband will have to take some medicines?if possible coz if you will get pregnant, it would be possible that the baby will get infected and its really terrifying!

[Jim Allen]

Hi Headocea

Welcome to the forum.

Sorry can you perhaps introduce yourself to the guys?
Are you in a relationship with someone Living with HIV? or perhaps you are HIV Positive yourself and if so are you taking treatment?

Jim

[harleymc]

Why not just end the relationship so you can both have a chance at happiness?

[CaveyUK]

Why not just end the relationship so you can both have a chance at happiness?

that was my thought. In love, desire > fear...especially when it is widely known now about the zero risks involved when UD. If the OP was saying that he/she really felt frustrated and craved sex but had this irrational fear then thats one thing, but it read to me like they are accepting this as the norm whilst the husband is getting increasingly frustrated.

Seems like there are 3 solutions -

1. Split. As Harley said, get a shot at both being happy.

2. Allow the husband to get his kicks elsewhere

3. Get over this ridiculous irrational fear.

The third option is the hardest I guess, but if this relationship isn't devoid of love then it's worth a shot before choosing either of the first two.

Key thing here is UD = non-transmissible. But don't take our, or any studies word for it. Have sex, then get tested regularly. Once it becomes clear that this is a fact rather than a hope, then the worries should ease off.

I'm guessing that the fear of infection will still hang around until the above is proven huh? Well think of it like this....if you were to get infected (which you WON'T) then people diagnosed early will have no immune system damage, and practically speaking no health issues as a result of HIV. Treatment these days is a single daily pill with about the same risks and side-effects as a multivitamin. Now this is the VERY worst case as your mind is playing it. In reality it won't happen as we have said - it's zero risk. But if you love your husband, then what is the fear for? What is it that is worrying you exactly?

The time to be fearful of HIV is if you are having sex with a person/people of unknown status where the VL is potentially sky high and without diagnosis, an untreated infection can lead to numerous health problems. Now you and your husband are far removed from that particular profile.

If you really can't get over that hurdle, then the next suggestion is counselling as there is a deep-rooted psychological problem which needs sorting.

And following that, if you are still too afraid to show love to your husband, then refer back to steps 1 or 2.

[CaveyUK]

Apologies, just realised that the original post was from Dec last year.

It's annoying when these zombie threads are raised from the dead but you don't notice it!