Just got diagnosed...

[todo316]

My constant nightmare finally came true on March 31, 2020. I went to get tested at Planned Parenthood that day because I had enlarged lymph nodes all over my body and I figured hopefully it was other STI. I did a rapid test and a urine/blood test. When she said it was positive from the Rapid test I felt like I died in that moment and I haven't really recovered since. I then went to the doctor the next day, started Biktarvy immediately that same day and took more blood tests (like 7 different tubes). I felt so ashamed being at the health department, explaining my situation and everything to these strangers and to make things worse, the nurse that assisted me, we use to mess around several years ago and knows my whole family. I have always been a private, masculine guy who felt that I never had to explain my sexuality to anyone and now that I am HIV positive, my life is destroyed.

The results came back a week later and I had a viral load of 324,000 copies/mL and CD4 Value of 371. I was also positive for Chlamydia. I am not due for another test til May something. I broke up with my boyfriend around December because he caught me on Grindr looking to "party". We got back together at the end of January but during the break up I did so much reckless behavior with meth and strangers. Thats why I feel so stupid, I would only "party" like once or twice a month and during that breakup I got infected and I could've possibly infected my boyfriend when we got back together. I so stupid for letting myself slip that low in life. I was always independent, have a great paying job, one year left of getting my bachelors degree, wanted to get into music later this year and now I feel like all of that is over and I am handicapped over something that just "in the heat of the moment".

I told my family and my boyfriend the whole truth and the occasional drug use. My boyfriend got tested and was negative for HIV, we both took medicine for the chlamydia and he is still with me even after I told him everything. My family is supportive too. But lowkey I feel like I disappointed them, I am the oldest out of 6, I wanted to have children, I am a first generation Mexican American and now I am an embarrassment to my family.

I notice that it is getting better to deal with HIV as the weeks pass, the first 2 weeks I would cry very ugly for long periods of time (I actually haven't cried in over a week but yesterday a wave of sadness hit me and I cried for 3 hours straight) and every morning and night I have so much regret of memories when I would do crazy shit. I feel like this is a blessing in disguise to get me out of the party scene for sure, but why this way? Why me? Can I go back in time? Did I just lower my life expectancy?

To make things worse I live in Wichita, KS and most support groups here are older white men and I am a 26 year old latino. I wish I could meet people more like me or around my age so I can talk about this more or relate. I feel so alone even though I have the support of my boyfriend and my family. If you guys have any advice or thoughts please reply back. It just feels good to let this all out of my chest by typing it all out.

[em]

If I may say I will not lie it will not be easy. good things never are 

keep up with your studies many years from now you will look back and be grateful for your degree . when I say many years trust me they will still be there .

I am sure others here will give way better advice then I .

twenty six .

from my own story , I found out thirty years ago about my HIV . so like I said many years ahead

all the best to you

EM

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

Welcome to the forum, sorry to hear about the diagnosis but glad to hear you have started treatment. The diagnosis can be a lot to digest and feel overwhelming at first so it's great that your BF & Family are being supportive.   

I was always independent, have a great paying job, one year left of getting my bachelors degree, wanted to get into music later this year and now I feel like all of that is over and I am handicapped over something that just "in the heat of the moment".

I am the oldest out of 6, I wanted to have children

Continue studying and get the degree. HIV with treatment nowadays like many other manageable conditions is not a roadblock to living a long healthy life, it's simply not the game-changer it once was.

Working on your career, having kids etc are all things you can still do and have in life. HIV is not a barrier to any of those things unless you let it be a barrier. It's up-to-you.

To make things worse I live in Wichita, KS and most support groups here are older white men and I am a 26 year old latino. I wish I could meet people more like me or around my age so I can talk about this more or relate. I feel so alone even though I have the support of my boyfriend and my family. If you guys have any advice or thoughts please reply back. It just feels good to let this all out of my chest by typing it all out.

So you have been going to the support groups? Keep going, lots to learn, even those old men as you put it, were young once (I don't know what you mean with old) and perhaps talk to the organizer if there are other groups for younger people or if they would consider with your help perhaps setting up meets/sessions dedicated to a younger crowd.

Best, Jim

[Bhall4]

Hello!  I can say i went through similar feelings. I’m 31 years old, actually received my positive rapid 3 days before my birthday.  I too am the oldest, but I’ve achieved much. 

I actually work as a nurse practitioner, so i had feelings of “how can a sick person take care of other sick people”. This is totally a mind game. I feel healthier than most patients.

I was officially diagnosed Dec 2019, began Biktarvy immediately and now my VL is undetectable.  I’m married we’ve been together 10 years, he is negative (thankfully). I can’t say i was wreckless, but mistakes happen unfortunately... we can only live for the future! 

Please feel free to reach out if you need anyone to talk too. Honestly, while I’ve diagnosed people... this is still really new to me.

[Dfwguy]

All, I have been HIV Poz since 1985 , yes, 35 years...and I am alive , healthy and kicking. HIV  is NOT a death sentence. You need to understand this is a chronic condition  like Diabetes—which means, if you take your meds and take care of yourself - you will be fine.

[Tonny2]

        ojo.      Hola todo... I am sorry about  your diagnosis, you wil feel better with time.

You will learn to live with HIV... I think that, getting tested, was the best thing  you hat  have done in your life, especially if you were “ partying”, now you know you have the virus, now you treat it... why you?, because you didn’t protect yourself. if I say this to you, it is not because I want to be mean, the sooner you recognize that you didn’t protect yourself, the sooner you will forgive yourself so you can go on with your life... we all know what you’re going through right now, but trust me, with time, as I said before, you will learn to live with this... i’m also a Latino man,but, I have been living with HIV/AIDS for 26 years, your age... you are not alone anymore, we are here for you, all timers and younger people...abrazos

[hiv_rizzy]

Am so sorry about your experiences. As everyone says it will be definitely be ok keep taking those pills they are just like vitamins to make sure your immune system stay nice and healthy. We are here for you! ` Rizzy