My BODY wants Sex BUT my MIND won't let me

[ltorres]

Let me explain quickly what I mean and for the sake of keeping this as PG as possible I'll try to be as least descriptive as I can, so please bare with me:

My name is Leonardo, I just turned 29 years old and I am a fairly active guy. I work out 3-4 times a week and I eat clean most of the time. I stand shy of 6'4 inches and I would say I am a fairly attractive person, I have no problem attracting guys that I like but I do have a problem keeping them. For some reason unbeknownst to me, I am unable to be physical with other men and it's affecting potential relationships I could have and it is starting to cause serious anxiety.

I was diagnosed when I was 21 years old with a partner who at the time did not know was infected and it wasn't only until a year after that I found out I was infected as well. After that I held a serious 4 year relationship which even though it wasn't the most functional, this person did stand by me during my diagnosis and never hesitated to show and provide support. After this relationship was over (I broke up with him because I felt the relationship was too dysfunctional and also because he cheated) I told myself that I would take a break from getting in to a new relationship because I needed time to heal but mostly because I had no idea how I would carry the burden of being HIV+ and entering a new relationship.

Why am I telling you this? Because fast forward 3 years later, I am ready to connect with another person and explore them in every way possible but I can't. I can't because every time I meet someone and we connect, that connection then leads to getting physical and that's where my problem starts. I keep finding myself unable to get lost in the moment and I mostly stay in my head the entire time. To clear the air, what I am trying to say is that I am unable to get an erection. It is the weirdest feeling to explain, its as if my body is saying okay I want to do this, I am so into this person but my mind has a MENTAL BLOCK for some strange reason.

I know what you are thinking, 'oh take a pill it will solve that' but I just don't think my problem is physical. Mostly because I don't have a problem when I am "by myself". I 'take care' of myself on the regular with no issues and I always wake up with a raging ....you get the point. What I am trying to say is that I know my body is telling me 'dude what's going on, lets go get some but my mind has me hostage.

I don't know if this is because I'm scared, guarded, preoccupied, concerned, or just anxious. And yes, I always tell the other person about my status usually right before things are getting heated or my favorite, I invite them out for a casual drink and bring it up. I even started opening up about my experience thinking that maybe if I got to connect with the other person, it would provide the closure I needed to be able to BONE for lack of a better term.

Anyway, I don't really even know why I'm sharing this with you guys, I think mostly because I feel hopeless. I recently was browsing the internet and came across this forum and after doing a quick scan I didn't see any topics relating to Sex & HIV and I know I can't be the only one that is going through this.

I just wish I could go back to being the sexual person I was before all of this.

Help?

[mecch]

Welcome to the forum.

I wonder if you might want to take your name out of the thread.  Just a suggestion.

As for impotence. I can relate one experience. I was HIV negative.  My bf at the time got HIV and soon after I got impotent and not just with him but with fuck buddies (we had an open relationship).  Impotence is tricky.  I had a therapist at the time. In fact, finally the method to turn the situation around was the cialis, viagra. And a certain amount of time adjusting to the new reality.  Like you, I had no problem getting wood to masturbate.  I didn't "need" the cialis but it helped psychologically in addition to physically to overcome my inability to perform.  When i go through the impasse, then I didn't need the pill any more. 

So anyway. 1) Don't rule out the effectiveness of the pill in these situations. and 2) talk it out with a therapist if possible.

[Jim Allen]

Hi

Welcome to the forum.

There are a number of items you mentioned that would make me feel its not  as simple as just taking a pill. That said who knows don't dismiss it.

Have you by any chance spoken to someone like a counsellor or a therapist regarding the problem your experiencing?

Jim

[Jim Allen]

OP, I took the liberty and removed your last name from the post.

Jim

[ltorres]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Quick question, what's your reasoning for removing my name from the post? Just Curious.

Also, to answer your question...I did seek a therapist in the past and her conclusion was that she suggested I built trust with the person first and then slowly build up to that but I tried that and it still didn't work.

It's just frustrating because I don't know what the issue is, I just know how it's affecting me. I did talk to my primary physician and he said he has heard this numerous amounts of times in the past.

I have contacted a Therapist focusing on sexual dysfunction to see if we can link the issue with what the root cause. I know that I can take a pill, I just want to target where the cognitive issue is stemming from.

I just can't help but feel broken, all I want is to be normal again. Having to explain my problem to guys is just so frustrating and at times degrading.

[Ptrk3]

I'm presuming your last name was removed for your own protection of privacy.  This forum can be read by anyone anywhere in the world.  Per the above PRIVACY WARNING:

******
Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.
******

Good luck with your therapy.  I wish you the best in resolving your issues.

[ltorres]

Ptrk3 thank you for the info.

I guess I have no issue with disclosing it, hence why I'm writing in this forum in the first place.

Thank you!, I hope I get to resolve it as soon as possible so I can move on with my life already.

[harleymc]

I've had long periods of time in this scenario. My first 4 boyfriends died during the epidemic.
Mostly I'm ok with my fckbuddy but sometimes there's a ghost or two crowding in on the action. My subconscious/ survivors guilt gets in the way of orgasm.

Sometimes a cuddle or a massage is enough but at other times it's just too frustrating.

Let us know if therapy sessions help.

[ltorres]

UPDATE: So after researching for a therapist, I found one that deals with sexual dysfunction and after explaining to him my situation he said that I basically have anxiety, more specifically performance anxiety.

The good news is: he said he has treated patients in the past and he said this is something that one can over come, it just takes patience and therapy sessions.

He said that I would have a series of sessions with assignments in each one and after each session I would have some sort of 'homework' that I would need to do in order to practice leading up to the moment. Sort of like someone who is preparing to give a speech, he explained.

The only challenge is, he said I can't do this alone. I basically need to have someone who is willing to mess around with me once a week for give or take a month with the end result being full on wild sex  . I still don't know how I would ask someone this, especially someone I can trust which is the part where I am currently stuck at.

So hopefully once I have an answer on who, I can move forward with these sessions.

[Ptrk3]

Well, good luck with your first assignment!     I'm sure you'll get an A+ 

[mecch]

itorries - does this therapist know you don't have a partner, lover, etc?

I mean, what you report the therapist says, sounds reasonable enough, but if someone doesn't have a willing partner it's moot.

I told you my experience with the ED pills.  If I could imagine the function - it was like this - if I had performance anxiety, just taking the pill was a way to dissipate the anxiety a bit - project it away, with the rationale "the pill will do the hard work" (so to speak, cough....)

Plus they really do support raging boners.

But anyway, I hope you find a partner if you are willing to give this therapist's suggestion a try.

Otherwise, find a therapist who doesn't have something impossible built-into the therapy.

[ltorres]

Thanks for the feedback guys!!

Mecch - did you take the pill just to get you over the anxious part? are you still taking it? I would not want to be dependent on a pill when I know it's just anxiety what I have.

The therapist knows and he says by having someone else to practice with I can see real time if the therapy sessions are working because I will be putting them to practice. I just don't know how I would approach someone with this without it being awkward.

I don't know, maybe I shouldn't think much of it and just give it a try with someone who I feel comfortable/attracted to.

[mecch]

ltorres yes, I have said 2 times, i took the pill because i was having anxiety, and no, I didnt need it after a few times when I realised I could have sex. I am not dependent on the pill.

[harleymc]

Does your therapist give feedback on your assignments...
 'plays well with others', 'must try harder', 'does not pay attention in class', ' most improved'...?

[CaveyUK]

I've been here before (not HIV related) and I agree with mecch. Taking a pill may not be needed, but it provides a degree of confidence and assurance which may help. I've found the moment your mind questions whether you might not perform then it's game over. If your mind is not telling you that because you have some chemical assistance to fall back on, then it may help resolve the situation.

Once you have had a few times without problems, you probably wouldn't need the pill again.

Thats been my experience anyway.

It's all about getting that gremlin out of your head that questions your ability to perform. Whether that is achieved through counselling, self-hypnosis or by having a fallback of viagra/cialis, it doesn't matter.

[Tony_Wanch]

Leonardo.   I am afraid your situation iis not unusual   . Viagra may work for some ( if not contraindicated ) but from what you mention it may not be the andwer for you   . I am visiting Bangkok , am UD and felt unable to do anything   except with my hand !! However here a massage is cheap and can have a ' happy ending'.. Initially I tried to force my self but it did not work   I concentrated on the massage and did not make getting a wood a challenge !!
Since I did not 'have to' and relaxed it happened on thev2nd and 2rd time that it happened naturally  . Being so handsome and sexy it may be a bit more difficult !! But  works for me  . So far  !!