I have a very high risk of having HIV but I am too scared to be tested, advice?

[19girl96]

I am a 20 year old girl and have just found out the guy I was with has been tested positive. I was sleeping with him for over 5 months without protection ( I got on birth control) and now I am sure I am positive too.

I have had every single early symptom of HIV. I first thought I was just getting the flu, and I was just getting blisters around my mouth and stuff like I usually do but when finding out his status and looked up the symptoms I have realised that I think it is HIV I have.

Although I am sure I am positive I can not get myself to go get tested. I can not stop crying and stop thinking how my life is already over. I really feel that if I know my status that I will never be able to live a normal life. In fact I do not even see a future for myself if I am positive. I have always wanted a family and kids and do not see how that is possible with HIV. I do now know how I will be abel to afford the treatment. I also do not know how i would be able to tell my parents. I would hurt them so much if I was to be positive. They have always warned us of the risks of getting HIV and so on and I feel as if I would have disappointed them. I am just really scared and do not know what to do?

I do now want to know if I am positive but at the same time I can not sit every day telling myself I have it and crying when I do not even know but I am just too scared to know if I am positive.

What should I do and how do you handle the situation of finding out you are positive?

[Ptrk3]

Greetings 19girl96:  I'm sorry to learn that you are going through such emotional angst.  However, there is no way to know for sure whether you are infected, unless you are properly tested. 

From what you write, you have been at risk (unprotected sex with a person who has tested positive for the HIV).  Symptoms don't mean anything much, really, since the virus affects people individually, so merely having symptoms does not confirm your HIV status:  you may or may not be HIV-positive.

You need to find the strength and support to get a test for HIV antibodies as soon as practicable because the sooner you know your status, the sooner you can get the treatment you need to live a long and health life, if you are, indeed found to be HIV-positive.

If you are HIV-positive, with proper treatment, you will be able to live a normal life, including the possibility of having children.  Many HIV-positive women have children who are HIV-negative.

If you are HIV-positive, there are many programs available that minimize treatment costs, depending on where you live.  Cost should not be a factor in your seeking an HIV test.

If you are HIV-positive, it is important to find out as early as you can in the infection process, to avoid long-term and, potentially, permanent damage to the immune system.  The earlier you find out the better your prognosis.

Being HIV-positive these days and on treatment is not the same as being HIV positive 30, or 20, or even 10 years ago.  Millions of people across the world are HIV-positive and live healthy and fulfilling lives.  Your life is not at all over.  You do have a future.

This forum is full of HIV-positive people who are healthy and live productive and fulfilling lives.

However, being HIV-positive and not on treatment is the same as it always was:  not a journey you want to take.

At this point, further speculation is not helpful.  You need to get an HIV test to know your status and, if appropriate, to get into the medical system so that you can be adequately treated for your physical and mental-health needs. Delay does not make the virus go away.

Please seek a local HIV-oriented testing center and get the testing you need.

[19girl96]

Thank you so much for responding Ptrk3. Your post was very helpful and insightful.

I have decided to wait until the end of the month to be tested as that will be 3 months since I last had unprotected sex with the guy so that I would not have to go back at the 3 month mark but I have decided to just go and get tested.

Thank you for all of your wise words and making me feel as if HIV will not mean it is the end of the world. I am still very scared but now I think I will be able to manage. It will still be very hard but I know there are other people going through the same thing.

[Andy Velez]

As you have already been told your symptoms are in no way an accurate gauge of your HIV status.  The vast number of those who come here worried about symptoms have turned out to be HIV negative. 

It's good that you are waiting until the 12 week mark because a negative result at that point would be conclusive.

In the meantime while waiting to test you need to make a real effort of focus attention on other things in your life.  That may sound like a ridiculous suggestion but it can be done and it makes the waiting time go more easily than you may imagine is possible.

Meantime we're keeping fingers crossed for you.

[19girl96]

Thank you Andy. I have been working and been going out with friends each day to try and keep my mind off of it. It is very difficult to do that though when you look down at your hands and see a rash or you suddenly get chills or feel one of the fever blisters in your mouth, then your thoughts start going straight back to HIV.

I only have two more weeks to wait though and then I will finally find out. I really hope that everything will be fine but as I said it is a very big chance I have it but I really am hoping for the best.

[Jim Allen]

Hi

Glad to hear you have been keeping yourself occupied.
Look I can only echo what the others have said HIV is not the end of the world and the symptoms you have could be anything or nothing and by no means are a sign of hiv.

When you do test make sure to also test for other STI's .

Jim