person who infected you with HIV

[egello]

i just wanted to hear everyone's story regarding the person who has infected you with hiv...

for me, i keep day dreaming about running across that scum of the earth, drug dealing mtf and giving him a nice big punch across his face and see him land on the floor, even thoughi am not a violent person at all....

oh, and please hold yourselves back from trying to put the blame on me and how i should have been more careful since everyone's story is different

[Life]

How will it make you feel after you knock him out??  What will it gain??  If it would guarantee another 100 cd4's in the basket or a continued <50 vl for the next 10 years then yeah, I would consider it... But since I have know fucking clue who infected me, it takes the pressure off....   Thank God...

Good luck in your hunt...

[dtwpuck]

Egello... I hope you find a way to transform your anger into something that will help you heal.

I loved the man from whom I got HIV.  He was an unhappy, miserable alcoholic... but I loved him in all his pathetic glory.  I had to tell him that I was positive and that there was a good chance I got it from him.  I was right.

He died on January 3, 2000, alone, from an overdose of GHB, alcohol and who knows what else.  Only his mother and I went to his funeral. 

And as sad and lonely and Jimmie was, as tumultuous as the time was we spent together... I will always remember how hard I cried when I put him back on the train to California, and will always remember him as my "fuzzy belly boy".

[Miss Philicia]

I have no idea who gave it to me... there are too many possibilities spanning too many years.  I was horribly neglectful and did not get tested for HIV until diagnosis, probably because I did not wish to know.  Who did at the time with only AZT available?

However, I hope it was the Venezuelan as he was extra hot and the hit of ecstasy that night was kicking.

egello, a friendly caution to not let such thoughts consume you as certainly in your first year of diagnosis you have to concentrate on your physical health, and mental things can affect that.

[mjmel]

Let go of the anger. Just forgive the fucker and let it go. Why? You'll survive better without the stress that the anger will bring. (subconsious or otherwise)
Take it or leave it but it's sound advice, young man.
one hug for egello,
Mike

[Iggy]

oh, and please hold yourselves back from trying to put the blame on me and how i should have been more careful since everyone's story is different

Ok but speaking of me....I do put the blame on myself.  I decided to have sex without a condom and didn't ask for status.  Frankly I've beaten myself up enough to just accept to responsibility without the guilt now. 

[milker]

If this is who I think it is, he was a very good fuck. I tried to find him to tell him I was poz and that if he thought he was neg he should get checked. Apart from that I couldn't care less about him, and if it turns out he knowingly infected me i'll be sad for him, not for me. I don't feel any anger, i don't feel guilty, i don't want to blame anyone, i'm just positive, it's my own actions that led to this, now it's more important for me to do all I can to live a good life like I had planned before february 2007.

I know, a lot of people that react like you do, and a good stomping may help you get some immediate relief, just don't end up in jail!

Milker.

[Mouse]

I care a great deal about him. I never really felt bitter or angry towards him, because he was not a whole lot older than I am right now at the time and I honestly don't think he ever meant to be malicious at all. He was a stupid kid, and I was just as stupid. We talk over the phone sometimes and he's in pretty good health (at least he was a few monthsa go), the last time I saw him was like a year ago. I wouldn't mind catching up again. We're both in the same situation right now and for me to hate him would just be ridiculous.

[Basquo]

I saw him two weeks ago.  I looked right through him and paraded my boyfriend in front of me.

And I wrote about this before: 

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=12573.msg156974#msg156974

[xyahka]

Well in my case i met him something like 3 years ago. We always had unprotected sex even though i had always condoms with me... it was just the strong desire... to be with him blows my mind. I am not 100% sure it was him, but according to my numbers yes... he was diagnosed AIDS a month after that night and i was diagnosed Hiv+ around 4 months after that night. He didn't tell me about his diagnosis... until i got to know mine.

I am not angry with him, one cannot hate someone we love... and i feel lot of things deep in my heart for him... and hate is not among those. We do meet from time to time, go out, have sex and all that. Even though it is clear he is not looking for a serious relatioship. I am ok with the situation, i am 90% sure that if it was him... he was not aware of his status.

Plus, i have so many things to do in my life right now... i don't have time to hate anybody.

Juan Carlos

[Dachshund]

Ahhh...1981 and the future looked rosey...so many men and so little time.

[Lis]

anger... self hate.... not so much.. It happened, and I have no one to blame but myself....  perhaps a GOOD look in the mirror, and a therapist....


dont /try not to be too bitter... your the only one that it hurts...

lisbeth

[RapidRod]

I don't know and haven't really cared about it. It's been to long ago and it was before HIV was even named.

[RICKY77531]

I think it was my first love....so long ago..he even talked to me about hiv and how to be careful that the pretty ones often get it ......maybe he had it...who knows...do I care?? naw ...need to focus on me right now

[Cliff]

It was from someone I cared for (and still do).  Though we are not together (and may never be together), I think we will be friends for life.  He has always been there for me and I will always be there for him. 

I have no anger towards him (or myself).  I've moved passed all of that now.  It wasn't healthy for me (and him).

[carousel]

I can't think of any reason why I would want to have contact with the person who infected me.

It's not that I am angry, I think it is more to do with that I have moved on.  The last time I saw him in Central London, I could feel myself cringing.  It was a bad judgement that I spent my time with him, that is all.

Why would I want to spend my time with somebody who had as big a drug habit as I had?

The only thing that we share is our virus.

[bear60]

eg..... I dont know who infected me and I dont care.

[J.R.E.]

The person that infected me in 1985 ( through my negligence of not using a condom), died June 19th, 1986. I was poll bearer in his funeral. Ed and I just went last weekend to the cemetery was he is laid to rest, also saw another friend of ours that passed on in 1993, at the same cemetery. It's in the past...

Ray

[DanielMark]

Everyone is different, but I can't think of any good reason to relive past mistakes I made. I have no room for hanging onto resentments in my life, because they are nothing but life-sucking poison. In my thinking, all my yesterdays are buried in the graveyard of bygones where they belong.

Daniel

[camille07]

I still love the person who infected me.  The real drag is that we used a condom and had a real problem with it, lets just say.   

Don't get me wrong, i've had my share of rtl where I was not so careful back in my twenties.....its irony at its finest.

Egg-  You need to let it go.  It is what it is and the only thing that really matters is you and your health.

[redhotmuslbear]

Ahhh...1981 and the future looked rosey...so many men and so little time.

AMEN! 

I've come to believe that the guy who gave me HIV was the Nordic stalllion who gave me syphilis when I was 17 in college, but it could have been any of several hundred men during that era.... geez, here come the full-body memories from 1982 again!

It could have been the aubsive lover who raped me two years later or any of the guys to whom I whored myself out to help fund his addictions and mine, or it could have another stupid kid like me who didn't know how we could protect ourselves back then.  And for all I know, it could have been a blood donor for one of several transfusions I received 1981-84 during surgeries.  But I do really hope that I was enoying myself immensely when I got the bug....really!

Even if whoever it was suspected that he had "the gay plague," I can't be angry.  Humans seek sex and physical contact for complex reasons, and emotions and hormones often take control of our intellect.  Besides, anger only runs down my body and wastes my time on an unproductive pursuit.

Peace,
David

[jack]

let it go. it just doesnt matter.

[GSOgymrat]

i just wanted to hear everyone's story regarding the person who has infected you with hiv...

I'm sleeping with him.

[Central79]

I don't know who infected me - I have a couple of "candidates". I regret sleeping with all of them - because it wasn't that great. I should've been with my bf and not been fucking around - safer sex is just that. Safer.

As to how I feel - 18 months on I think about him less. Statistically he was probably some guy who was new to things himself, and had a high VL - so maybe he didn't even know. If he didn't know, then I can forgive him. If he did know, or if he came over to my place and saw all the surgery books lying about, or was the one guy I told how much I wanted to be a surgeon, and he didn't disclose then I curse him periodically. I do hate him. I know that whatever, it wasn't malicious - but disclosure ain't hard.

I don't know that hate is a particularly disabling emotion. I find anger actually gets me to pull my finger out of my ass and get on with my life - because I'm not letting any coward take away the bulk of what I've worked hard for, even if my specific dream had to change.

Matt.

[LatinAlexander]

I do not know who gave it to me....

And I do not want to know either. I think that I have enough beating myself up, to add the burden of hating someone.

Alex

[Matty the Damned]

Matty the Damned was probably infected by an intimate friend, also called Matty.

He committed suicide some months after finding out I was positive.

MtD

[mjmel]

Hell, I just realize I never responded to the post but 'advised' instead. Sorry egello.
I believe my point of infection was a mercy fuck with an ex who had just lost his current lover to AIDS. Yeah, we barebacked and I was bottom that night.  I never doubted he wouldn't pull out in time. He didn't even attempt it, however. Jack was about 6'4" and fairly well built so in the heat of passion (and drunkenness) he could NOT be moved off suddenly.
I never had any bad feelings towards him. No anger felt towards him. I saw him years later in a bar in New Orleans. Drunk. Wasting away. We spoke briefly about things in general...avoiding any sensitive topic....and I knew he regretted his lack of control. I could read it in his eyes. He died of AIDS about a year later.
Jack was a good man who had a thoughtless moment.
xxx,
Mike

[sdcabincrew74]

let go of all the hate and anger, it only makes you unhealthy .... "in with anger,out with love" I think Bo said on Ab Fab.  Anywho, I have no clue, there were too many with whom I was not exactly safe.  I only hope it was one of the good fucks, LOL.

[ademas]

I was very young and very much in love (for the first time) with the man who infected me.
It was the winter before all hell broke loose.
He died 14 years ago last Friday, June 29th, 1993, at the age of 29.

[libvet]

i just wanted to hear everyone's story regarding the person who has infected you with hiv...

for me, i keep day dreaming about running across that scum of the earth, drug dealing mtf and giving him a nice big punch across his face and see him land on the floor, even thoughi am not a violent person at all....

oh, and please hold yourselves back from trying to put the blame on me and how i should have been more careful since everyone's story is different

It's hard to get worked up about someone I no longer care about and someone I don't really have any respect for anymore.  I don't hate him.  I just pity him.   I don't think he ever really lived long enough to learn how to truly love someone, if he was even capable of that.  A good part of me suspects he didn't have that capacity in him to truly love and commit to someone.  In retrospect, he was irresponsible, weak, and dishonest.  He was handsome and charming and somewhat bright, but at best, it was superficial.   Easy to see through now....not so much when I was 20 years old.

If it's revenge you want, do it by living well and having a good life.  Once I moved on, it was pretty easy.  I have a good life.  A decent job.  A home.   A boyfriend who has stood beside me for 17 years.

[rocket]

It was a year and a half ago in Thailand.He was a 21 year old Thai guy who just hanging out in the gay area of pattaya.He didnt tell me he was positive and I didnt ask.We had sex two nights in a row,until I was informed by someone who knew he was positive and also had tb. I found out a week after the sex so it was too late for pep.  its hard to be mad at him since he doesnt even speak my language,Im angry with myself for assuming he was negative. I made the mistake of thinking hiv was a gay disease and that this straight guy wouldnt have it.Now I know that its mostly a hetero disease worldwide.My lack of knowledge hurt me.   I know he was angry when he was told,no more sex with girls.

[egello]

mine was this meth dealing addict who should have been put into jail for life. i know for fact that after me, he has been tricking others into getting addicted to meth and spreading his hiv probably by raping them. i think i was a victim of that because i don't remember having had sex with him, but i do remember waking up one morning with my ass hurting as if a rocket had gone in there over night. after kicking him and meth out of my life two weeks after that, i got terribly sick for two weeks which now thinking about it, it was seroconverting.

and with what i have gone through beg. of this year and all my current fear of getting sick again and having to grow old with these poisonous meds, how can i forgive that little shit head.

MTD, don't fucking tell me that he didn't have to disclose that to me

[Rockit]

i dont blame any one. i feel as if i did it to myself. i am in this situation now cuz i chose not to ware condoms most of the time, i got drunk , i hooked up with out thought, i tried a bit of this and that. i took a bite of the forbiden fruit.im in  this now and i will admit. i did not love myself enough to care more about my health, body, heart.i never got checked. i thought guys would like me better. i didnt think it would happen to me. but im also glad i dont knw from who. i just knw i have to take care of myself cuz those guys are not here with me.
xxoxoxo

[Bucko]

Misplaced anger turns inward, Eggy.

Please discuss this with a counselor, you need help.

BTW-
In the innocent days before the plague we all fucked like bunnies. The only time I obsess on who might have infected me (and whom I might have infected) is on those rare moments when I imbibe in cannabis.

Brent
(Who hates to see hate)

[thunter34]

While I don't know the specific ID, a general profile based on my lifestyle at the time would suggest he was a partier, hot and knew how to sling some serious dick.

Odd as it might sound to some, I've actually taken some comfort in that fact.

[thunter34]

mine was this meth dealing addict who should have been put into jail for life. i know for fact that after me, he has been tricking others into getting addicted to meth and spreading his hiv probably by raping them. i think i was a victim of that because i don't remember having had sex with him, but i do remember waking up one morning with my ass hurting as if a rocket had gone in there over night. after kicking him and meth out of my life two weeks after that, i got terribly sick for two weeks which now thinking about it, it was seroconverting.

and with what i have gone through beg. of this year and all my current fear of getting sick again and having to grow old with these poisonous meds, how can i forgive that little shit head.

MTD, don't fucking tell me that he didn't have to disclose that to me

Why are jumping on MtD's shit all of the sudden?  I don't see above where he said anything to elicit that kind of lashing. 

And how exactly does one get "tricked into becoming addicted to meth"?  Like you thought it was really just sugar or salt for awhile and you were just feeling unusually peppy, but then- "SUPRISE!  It was really meth and now you are hooked!"  I'm a bit skeptical of the claim. 

Sorry you have HIV.  Sorry I have HIV, but we do.  And no amount of blaming others is going to lower your VL one bit.  On the contrary, the stress and anger might be costing you some t-cells. 

[Dachshund]

mine was this meth dealing addict who should have been put into jail for life. i know for fact that after me, he has been tricking others into getting addicted to meth and spreading his hiv probably by raping them. i think i was a victim of that because i don't remember having had sex with him, but i do remember waking up one morning with my ass hurting as if a rocket had gone in there over night. after kicking him and meth out of my life two weeks after that, i got terribly sick for two weeks which now thinking about it, it was seroconverting.

and with what i have gone through beg. of this year and all my current fear of getting sick again and having to grow old with these poisonous meds, how can i forgive that little shit head.

MTD, don't fucking tell me that he didn't have to disclose that to me

This reads like a dime-store novel and frankly I don't believe it, and whether you like it or not no one has to disclose to you...tricked or not.

[ndrew]

This question has happened before and I liked the answer- I infected myself.  Like when I crashed my car.  I didn't mean to do it, but I was driving recklessly (or is that wreckfully?)

Drew

[purplerain]

I'm sorry but where I am from we call people on their bullshit.  Just the fact that u want 2 dictate peoples response without telling us your story upfront leads me 2 question all of this.

I hear your anger at being Poz and I understand your frustration with everything that goes along with it but unlless U got hiv thru a blood transfusion or being raped, somethign along those lines, then we all have 2 own up 2 our part in getting this disease. 

That doesn't mean that there are people out there who don't care about spreading this.  It also doesn't make what they do ok.   It doesn't justify or pardon their actions but it also doesn't excuse yours.

Get real with yourself, forgive yourself, forgive him and get over it. 

[cubbybear]

I know who infected me, but I let it go.  Nothing I can say or do will change anything, so I don't try or waste my energy.  I don't want to be an angry person because of them, so I don't let it get to me.

[mjmel]

We all screwed up as no one in their right mind would willfully get this virus. That being said, if you want to blame the meth dealer than be my guest.  In the end the responsibility for safe sex lies squarely on ones own shoulder. While I agree that it's repulsive that he continues to deal meth, manipulate situations/tricks.... and continues to have bareback sex remember that (#1) people willfully choose to indulge in drugs; (2) even high on meth one can stop long enough to slip on protection. Don't tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. Been there; done that.
I wish all meth dealers would disapear off the face of the earth but you know people would flock to find something else to achieve altered states. Then they would blame that dealer for ruining their future. When adults indulges in illegal/street drugs one calculates (or miscalculates) the risks.   
xxx,
Mike

[RapidRod]

egello, no one gets tricked into being a meth addict.

From an Ex-meth addict. 

[egello]

you guys don't think that meth dealers don't try to get others addicted meth? thats their whole purpose in life ! it makes them money, and keeps their miserable life in company!

i was freshly out of college, only really heard about x and g and willing to try anything once, but things like meth isn't something you just try once and be done with it, it is freaking hard, probably hardest thing to quit and easiest thing to get addicted to, even worse than cig. when an meth addic gives you some meth to try, they do it in purpose of getting you addicted and that is tricking! you think with my high hope of career in film biz and moving out to la, i was looking for ways to destroy my life with meth? fuck that

i don't really care if you guys believe my story or not, but it is what it is. thinking about things through now, i really do think i was raped because i would have NEVER slept with him because he wasn't my type. sure, i hung around with him and was nice to him, did reciprocate kisses because by then i thought meth was the greatest thing on earth, but i would have never slept with him.

but anyways, you guys are right in one thing, there is no point of being mad, but still, it just pissses me off how much time i am spending on this whole thing.

maybe i am in an extra pissy mood because for the past week i've

I'm sorry but where I am from we call people on their bullshit.  Just the fact that u want 2 dictate peoples response without telling us your story upfront leads me 2 question all of this.

I hear your anger at being Poz and I understand your frustration with everything that goes along with it but unlless U got hiv thru a blood transfusion or being raped, somethign along those lines, then we all have 2 own up 2 our part in getting this disease. 

That doesn't mean that there are people out there who don't care about spreading this.  It also doesn't make what they do ok.   It doesn't justify or pardon their actions but it also doesn't excuse yours.

Get real with yourself, forgive yourself, forgive him and get over it. 

been dizzy and light headed and my "in-laws" and a nephew in-laws are visiting and they are driving me crazy.

where u from, bullshit land? you don't read what i write carefully enough or not at all

[egello]

I know who infected me, but I let it go.  Nothing I can say or do will change anything, so I don't try or waste my energy.  I don't want to be an angry person because of them, so I don't let it get to me.

i try to do that too, but this past week, i don't know what it is, this anger is coming back to me stronger than ever

[Basquo]

I'm sorry but where I am from we call people on their bullshit. 

where u from, bullshit land?

LOL!   

[redhotmuslbear]

where u from, bullshit land? you don't read what i write carefully enough or not at all

You know, lashing out with hate and bitterness at people who attempting to step you through your issues from a distance isn't going to help you a bit.  Continuing to dwell on your anger while constantly aiming it at others, rotten as they may be, also suggests that much of your anger is self-directed, whether for choosing to take the first hit of meth or for taking any of the other poor choices along the way.  I know how that pattern is, because I did it myself for many years.

If you have access to local resources for counseling and therapy, even something as simple as a 24-hour crisis line, you might want to reach out and use them now, rather than keep bottling up your stuff or trying to work it out through the internet.  Anger, whether directed internally or at others, is not a healthy emotion.

Peace,
David

[Dachshund]

I for one have had enough of this nonsense. You expect the members of this forum to believe that while under the influence of meth you are pretty sure you were raped. Do you realize there are women using this forum that have actually suffered the indignity and trauma of rape? If you were posting this drivel in Am I (where I suspect it is where you really belong) you would have been asked to cease and desist by now. Researching your posts I notice a disturbing similarity to the type of posting that goes on in Am I Infected. So far you have been certain you had PCP and lipo and you were wondering if you should see the doctor. You complained of bulgin (whatever that is) and other ailments and went to the doctor on Saturday all in the span of a few hours, wondered if you had cancer and on and on it goes.



I am going to report this to the moderators and see if the wheat can be separated from the chaff.

Hal
(who is in no mood for BS)

[ubotts]

Yes i know who gave it to me..Now that person is dead..
At first i was angry because it could of been mentioned to me..but the sucker said nothing
I gave up regretting and hating that sucker a long time ago..Anger gets you no where..Once you
can let go of your anger, you will start to live again as i did..Life's a bitch and life is also what you make it!

[thunter34]

A career in the film biz?

At least now I understand where some of the dramatics are coming from.

[egello]

I for one have had enough of this nonsense. You expect the members of this forum to believe that while under the influence of meth you are pretty sure you were raped. Do you realize there are women using this forum that have actually suffered the indignity and trauma of rape? If you were posting this drivel in Am I (where I suspect it is where you really belong) you would have been asked to cease and desist by now. Researching your posts I notice a disturbing similarity to the type of posting that goes on in Am I Infected. So far you have been certain you had PCP and lipo and you were wondering if you should see the doctor. You complained of bulgin (whatever that is) and other ailments and went to the doctor on Saturday all in the span of a few hours, wondered if you had cancer and on and on it goes.



I am going to report this to the moderators and see if the wheat can be separated from the chaff.

Hal
(who is in no mood for BS)

go ahead, i am sure the moderators have read my posts more carefully from the beginning.

just to correct one thing out of many, i did not THINK that i was wasting and had PCP, i was hospitalized for them this past December, so think what you want and read only what you want to read...

oh also, it was thrusday, and not saturday that i went to see my doc