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Author Topic: What am I going to do?  (Read 5197 times)

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Offline newpozmommaof4

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  • Posts: 3
What am I going to do?
« on: March 03, 2007, 04:04:15 PM »
  I just found out my husband cheated on me. To be safe, I went to get myself tested and I came back positive. I have 4 kids (13,11,9, &2), all of whom were tested and came back NEGATIVE!!! I have NO family to lean on and my soon to be ex can not be counted on. What will happen to my children????? I have cried for a week straight  :'(  and have yet to come up with a solution, PLEASE, I need ideas. I really don't care if I die or not, I guess I do, but I am more worried about my babies.....

Offline bear60

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Re: What am I going to do?
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2007, 04:14:21 PM »
Hi Newpozmom......the best idea,  seems to me, is for you to take care of yourself and then  you can take care of your babies.
Get the proper medical attention....for you!
Make the necessary adjustments to being a single Mom....by getting help with the children...either from friends or from an agency.
Do you need to go on Medicare?
You have said you are poz. That dont mean a whole lot if you dont have your bloodwork done. 
Many, most, of the HIV positive people here work and are living productive lives. You can too.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline newpozmommaof4

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Re: What am I going to do?
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2007, 04:23:14 PM »
Thank You for your kind words. It's just hard dealing with the cheating, then being dealt an even harder blow. At this point, I will need more mental coping skills than anything else. I will find out now who my true friends are though. What makes me even sadder is just thinking about leaving my kids. I think I will have to move back to the bay area, where there are even greater resources to help me.

Offline Alain

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  • I am.
Re: What am I going to do?
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2007, 04:57:34 PM »
Dear Momma,

I am so sorry for what is happening in your life right now. I know it is hurting a lot and being cheated on is a hard one to deal with. Try not to blame yourself for it. It just happened for what ever reason. I am so glad that you are here right now and I am hoping that you will be here as often as you need to, so that you can let it all out. With time and when the dust settled a bit, you will find ways to deal with it what ever is coming your way. You are going to be fine, because that is what mothers do and they are so good at it.

First, you have to find a doctor that deal with HIV and do not be afraid of asking for help. I am sure that they can give you directions as to how and where to get help. You want to make sure that your health is good, not only for you but for your kids.

I don't have all the answers and to be truthful I am not sure I always understand why things happens one way or another, but I am sending you Love right now and all energy and I am hoping that somehow things will work out for you and your family.

Mom, big {{{{{hugs}}}}} are on the way to you and don't be a stranger, this is a good place to start.


Offline dingowarrior

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  • Posts: 191
Re: What am I going to do?
« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2007, 07:27:20 PM »

you have to be strong for your children,there simply is NO other way. Get to a HIV specialist,and he/she will determine your next course of action, whether your ready for meds or not.
In this country,assuming your in the USA..There is no reason you cant get medical treatment. Todays meds are life saving, and if you follow your doctors rules, YOU WILL LIVE A LONG SOLID LIFE.

Offline rick21007

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  • Posts: 286
Re: What am I going to do?
« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2007, 08:04:44 PM »
First of all I'd be planning on sticking around to enjoy your grandkids for a start!!  So sorry life has dealt you a bad hand but we do learn in time to stay in the game and to play the cards we have with more success than we ever believed possible. For many of us finding out we have hiv set off a chain reaction of life changes that are not all negative.  I would not be surprised that for all the anguish and fear you are going through right now you will come out the other side a better person and a better mom.  Welcome to the forums!  You will find great support here.


Offline tigger2376

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  • Posts: 462
  • too bad to die youngish!
Re: What am I going to do?
« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2007, 09:21:22 PM »
I feel so very sad that this has happened to you. No one deserves the pain you are going through. There will hopefully be comfort for you in that your kids are safe. try and look forward,goddam I know its hard.
You have found us, that too should give you hope.
There are people here who can give you both practical advice and emotional support, but as already said, get yourself medical support, see where you are and try and go forward.
Let us know how you get on and we are here for you
Take care
I know i'm going to enjoy the party in the afterlife, but do you all mind that I'm going to be VERY late!!!

Offline dtwpuck

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  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: What am I going to do?
« Reply #7 on: March 03, 2007, 10:42:09 PM »
Hi there,

What others have said to you about HIV is true.  You can plan on a long life and you can see your grandkids someday.  Your children can be a source of great strength.  Be there for each other.  Remember, their momma's hurting in their eyes.  They are your babies, but you are their mother.  They could be feeling very scared and protective of you right now.  It's probably a good thing to be expressing as much love as you can for them.

And start expressing your love by making sure you keep up on your bloodwork and haart regimen when it becomes necessary.

The anger you feel about broken promises is natural.  He cheated on you.  That's a horrible thing.   It's even worse that he has endangered your life as well as his own as a result of his dalliances.  He has a terrible cross to bear.    The feelings of betrayal are probably so close that your heart probably feels heavy and empty at the same time.   

Someone above said that "no one deserves the pain you are going through."   How true is this.   No one, especially you, deserves to be subjected to this pain.  Now here's the catch... you might understand that you don't deserve this, but life has now thrown down the gauntlet to you.  You have to find a way to deal with it.  I might suggest a couple things.

First, pay attention to yourself and your health first.  Without that you cannot take care of your babies. 

Second, your anger will hurt your ability to come to terms with this.  You did not deserve to be treated this way.  You are not a bad person and deserve to be love, honored and cherished.  It's hard, and I am not suggesting that you can do this today, but if you look at your anger as something that needs to be transformed, you will begin the path to healing your heart.  There are no simple answers.  But love for yourself and understanding that life deals us some pretty bad hands sometimes is key.  Now you have to find the best way to play that hand. 

Lastly... your children.  I am not a parent.  I can only speak from the point of view of a child who knew his mother has a chronic illness.  (Crohn's)  I was thirteen when she found out.  She cried for weeks.  All we wanted to do was to take care of mom.  As children we understood that we needed to take care of her as much as she needed to take care of us.  Now while she supported us, single and alone... and we were just children, she took a great deal of comfort knowing that her children would hold her hand and comfort her in a time of sadness because we were a family.   I don't know how much you want to tell your children, but they already know that you are deeply sad.  Draw comfort from their unconditional love for you and yours for them.  It's terrible that they have to deal with this, but you cannot change the fact that HIV is now a part of their lives.    You can still be their guiding light.  As I said before, you are their mother.  Nothing can replace that.

Now, welcome to the forum.  I sincerely hope you find some of the support you're going to need here.  We all have various life experiences, but there are several people on this board who are parents.  And there are some people here who have lived through the crucible.  I hope you feel the welcoming comfort of open arms here.  We're here to help.

Many hugs,
Scott (puck)
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline newpozmommaof4

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Re: What am I going to do?
« Reply #8 on: March 03, 2007, 11:03:57 PM »
I feel so welcome, THANKS TO ALL of you!!!!!  Scott(Puck) Your words brought tears to my eyes. Fortunately, now I know that I have "many" shoulders to cry on and lean on. You are right, I have to maintain my health to take care of my kids. I will definitely have to learn how to lean on others as I embark on this journey. I have an appointment with an AIDS/HIV specialist next week, at which time I will assume I will get the WHOLE spiel. If you guys know of any helpful books and or articles I should read, please let me know what their names are. I want to be as informed as possible so I can remain as healthy as possible. Thanks!!!!!

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: What am I going to do?
« Reply #9 on: March 03, 2007, 11:32:20 PM »
Hi Momma, welcome to the forums. I'm really glad you found us.

One of the best places to start learning is in the Lessons section of this website. You'll find a link in the upper left-hand corner of any forum page. Please feel free to come back and ask any questions that may arise during your reading. OK?

I'm a mom too. My daughter is nearly 20 and she was 13 when I was diagnosed. I'm planning on being around for a long time to watch over her as she grows into adulthood and there's no reason why you can't make similar plans where your own children are concerned. These first weeks and months aren't going to be the easiest you've ever gone through, but you can do it and we'll be here to help you.


Be kind to yourself and please know that the feelings you are experiencing are completely normal. We've all been there in the early days of our diagnosis. It can and will get better, so hang in there!

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline PositivelyYours

  • Member
  • Posts: 133
Re: What am I going to do?
« Reply #10 on: March 04, 2007, 09:45:18 AM »
Hello Newpozmommaof4,

First, I would like to say Welcome to the Forum. You have come to the right place for information in helping you cope with this new chapter in your life.  It wasn't very long ago that I too found out that I was HIV Positive.  I must tell you that you are going to be okay and you will be there for your children.  Secondly, the next thing you must do is find yourself a doctor that specializes in HIV or Infectious Diseases.  This virus is very tricky and sneaky and someone who has the proper medical training will need to monitor you and the virus progress.   Next, the thing you will realize about being positive is that we positive folks do not have the luxury of getting stressed out.  You have found out your status, so now it is time to move on.  Remember you have four little ones that are counting on you, so you have all the reason's in the world to continue living.  Just know that you have someone in Memphis, Tennessee who is praying for you and your babies.  I don't know you guys, but I love you and please do send me a private message if you like.  Take care and EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY!!!!!



 I just found out my husband cheated on me. To be safe, I went to get myself tested and I came back positive. I have 4 kids (13,11,9, &2), all of whom were tested and came back NEGATIVE!!! I have NO family to lean on and my soon to be ex can not be counted on. What will happen to my children????? I have cried for a week straight  :'(  and have yet to come up with a solution, PLEASE, I need ideas. I really don't care if I die or not, I guess I do, but I am more worried about my babies.....

Diagnosed: 08/10/2006
08/31/06 CD4:240/VL:39,000
09/12/06 CD4:359/VL:50,000
11/16/06 CD4:509/VL:76,000 (Flu Shot)
02/13/07 CD4:270/VL:69,000
02/17/07 Developed the Shingles
02/20/07 CD4:326/VL (Not Tested)
03/20/07 CD4:484/VL:54,000
06/19/07 CD4:488/VL:51,000
09/18/07 CD4:372/VL:27,000
10/09/07 Took Flu Shot
12/18/07 CD4:408/VL:85,000
03/18/08 CD4:394/VL:116,000 (Still No Meds)
05/22/08 CD4:412/VL:63,000
08/13/08 CD4:362/VL:67,000
09/23/08 Took Flu Shot
10/15/08 CD4:340/VL:54,000
11/14/08 Started Atripla @ 9:45 p.m.
1/30/09 CD4:641/VL:<48 Copies
5/07/09 CD4:667/VL: Undetectable
12/02/09 CD4:759/VL: Undetectable
03/05/10 CD4:537/VL: Undetectable
03/16/10 Rec'd TB Skin Test, Pneumonia & Hep B Vac
04/15/10 Hep B & Tetanus Vac
6/10 CD4: 748 VL: Undet.


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