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Author Topic: Bitch  (Read 2375 times)

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Offline tigger2376

  • Member
  • Posts: 462
  • too bad to die youngish!
« on: March 01, 2007, 06:47:38 PM »
With the things that have been happening physically recently my old friend anger has come back and bitten me and everyone around me on the ass.
I've been a bitch on wheels and a whingeing pathetic sad sack.
After 5 years its still there. Its a horrible thing to say but sometimes I just resent everyone negative around me. I don't wish the virus on ANYONE  but christ this is a bitch to deal with sometimes.
I have a great therapist who normally doesn't let me wallow like this but says I now need to 'go with what I feel'. I have a supportive partner, and mum, and I still want to go and do some serious harm..I guess what I'm saying is that for once I'm coming out from behind the barrier of sick humour that I use to survive and saying 'help'. I feel pathetic doing it. I know all the buzz words psychologically, my numbers are fine, I hate myself for being this way, but if I can't say it here.....
I know i'm going to enjoy the party in the afterlife, but do you all mind that I'm going to be VERY late!!!

Offline thunter34

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,361
  • His name is Carl.
Re: Bitch
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2007, 07:00:34 PM »
Bitch on, girlfriend!  You can say it here- out loud!  (Or quietly through PM's to me for the really good stuff!)

Everybody has those times.  I've been sick for days, and now everybody is telling me that I was a 5-Headed Hydra Bitch since last weekend.

PS:  No offense to the masses, but lately it's been pissing me off reading all these people tossing around HIV scenarios as fun prime time fodder.     >:(
« Last Edit: March 01, 2007, 07:02:25 PM by thunter34 »
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline red_Dragon888

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,840
  • Love and Be Love in Return
Re: Bitch
« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2007, 07:11:08 PM »
What works for me is to tell myself "Let it go, let it go."  That is let go of the anger, let go of the drama and let go of the turmoil.  It is a simple thing to tell myself but it help me to not focus on what makes me upset.  This may not work for you but you have to find your own answer. 
« Last Edit: March 01, 2007, 07:26:06 PM by red_Dragon888 »

Off Crystal Meth since May 13, 2013.  In recovery with 20 months clean time.

Offline Joe K

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  • Member
  • Posts: 5,820
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Bitch
« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2007, 07:14:30 PM »
Hey Tigger,

I am sorry to hear you are having some anger issues but I believe what you are experiencing is all part of being poz.  Like you I see a therapist and it took me a long time to forgive myself for becoming positive, yet once I did, the quality of my life changed considerably.  Yes it can be great to have support from many sources, however many times that is not enough.  I find it can be lacking if you are not brutally honest about what you feel, think and believe.  If you are not being honest about your issues, how can you expect to address them?

Not that I am saying that you are doing anything wrong, but don't you think that five years is an awful long time to still be hating yourself, over something that happened long ago???  You also seem to think that there is some shame in asking for help, or as you say "I feel pathetic doing it."  To me, the people that are pathetic are those who refuse to admit that some problems are just too big for them to tackle on their own.  That is why we have family, friends and lovers so there is someone to lean on when our burden gets a little too heavy.

You also seem to be really down on yourself, just because you are having a difficult time right now.  You should not berate yourself for how you feel, as feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are.  It is the behavior that may follow those feelings that can either make you or break you.  You know you need some extra help and so you came here where you feel safe and that tells me you are ready for further change.

What I found that works is to start a journal of how you feel each day.  It does not need to be fancy, nor do you need to be a slave to it, but if you record your feelings, I bet you will start to see patterns, just like I did.  A mere guess on my part is that you might need to do some more work on how you feel about being poz, your role in becoming poz and why you dislike yourself so much at times.  Then again, I could be very wrong, but something tells me I am not.

My friend, having HIV can be more challenging than many people could imagine and you have done it for five years and I see no reason that you can not have a long and enjoyable life.  What you need to do is to explore some of your deepest issues so you can understand why you feel like you do now.  Wishing bad luck on others or hating negative people is a sign that you are unable to fully love yourself.  Redirecting your anger at others, as you have found, is never a good way to maintain the support of others.

Tigger, I understand your words and all I can share is my experience.  I believe you have the power to overcome these issues and I encourage you to continue therapy and coming here to share your thoughts.  I will keep you in mine.

Offline tigger2376

  • Member
  • Posts: 462
  • too bad to die youngish!
Re: Bitch
« Reply #4 on: March 01, 2007, 07:25:10 PM »
Weeping bloody mess reading these, half happy coz it just confirms that I'm not COMPLETELY bonkers and half sad because there's a long way to go. Yes, if I'm honest, I do hate myself, the old self esteems at an all time low..I WILL beat the demons, and I'm determined to be the oldest swinger in town in many years time,embarassing people about my exploits in my younger days!
I do keep a journal, and when I'm completely at one with HIV I'll burn it,or maybe keep it to remind me, I'm only  human.
THANKYOU. I don't cry easily and don't open up too often
It helps
I know i'm going to enjoy the party in the afterlife, but do you all mind that I'm going to be VERY late!!!

Offline aupointillimite

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,229
Re: Bitch
« Reply #5 on: March 01, 2007, 08:23:46 PM »
Catharsis!  Catharsis!  Catharsis!

People who don't let it out every now and then worry me.  You know there's gonna be some huge explosion involving an amusement park and firearms if you bottle it up.

I'll still like you even if some people might think you're being bitchy after your rants!

Hell, I'll like you more...  :D
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline tigger2376

  • Member
  • Posts: 462
  • too bad to die youngish!
Re: Bitch
« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2007, 08:31:54 PM »
Well you remember those news reports about the 'tigger' character in disneyland? I was LMAO
Best leave weirder ''revenge'' fantasies for PMs
Must get one of those costumes...but then again no
Haven't emotionally chucked up like that in a LONG time
Always was a bitch but hurting people I love is not the way to keep them close. I've been hell.
I know i'm going to enjoy the party in the afterlife, but do you all mind that I'm going to be VERY late!!!

Offline Central79

  • Member
  • Posts: 527
Re: Bitch
« Reply #7 on: March 02, 2007, 07:21:41 PM »
Dear Tigger

I just wanted to add my voice to all the people here who've told you you're normal, and in fact doing pretty well by acknowledging your anger.

I experience similar bouts of intense rage and really being a nasty bastard to the people around me. I shout at my bf, bitch to my therapist, am nasty to my friends. I have to steer clear of the Am I Infected? forum because it makes me so angry the risks people take and get away with, where I was careful and have to live with this virus. I get angry at the empty-headed, drug taking, serial-fucking party guys I know on the scene, who are negative. I have to stay away from surgeons and operating theatres, in case I feel enthusiasm again for the career I wanted to pursue, and then come down with a bump.

When I dig around a bit I usually find that the anger is the mask I put on to hide a feeling of real fear, and vulnerability, that come with living with this disease. And feeling like I'm stupid to have gotten it and unclean to have it. I usually end up crying when I'm alone to let it out, but then I get angry again. I've been doing this emotional cycle for 14 months and it gets pretty exhausting. But my numbers are great, and I'm actually okay physically. It came up with a vengeance when my numbers dipped for a while. So I'm working on the anger, but it's hard.

I hope things getting better both physically and mentally. Know you're not alone in what you're going through, and know you can and should always "say it here".

All the best, Matt.

Diagnosed January 2006
26/1/06 - 860 (22%), VL > 500,000
24/4/06 - 820 (24.6%), VL 158,000
13/7/06 - 840 (22%), VL 268,000
1/11/06 - 680 (21%), VL 93,100
29/1/07 - 1,020 (27.5%), VL 46,500
15/5/07 - 1,140 (22.8%), VL not done.
13/10/07 - 759 (23.2%), VL 170,000
6/11/07 - 630 (25%), VL 19,324
14/1/08 - 650 (21%), VL 16,192
15/4/08 - 590 (21%), VL 40, 832


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