Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
November 20, 2017, 08:32:59 PM

Login with username, password and session length

  • Total Members: 31856
  • Latest: esm
  • Total Posts: 722544
  • Total Topics: 58717
  • Online Today: 351
  • Online Ever: 1421
  • (August 13, 2016, 05:18:44 AM)
Users Online


Welcome to the POZ Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: New and Scared.  (Read 8087 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline ga1964

  • Member
  • Posts: 188
New and Scared.
« on: February 13, 2007, 04:17:05 PM »
I was tested just before having major surgery in Dec. 2006, and the day before surgery was told that I had tested positive.  As if facing surgery was not enough stress, my doctor had to drop this bomb on me.  Obviously, I survived the surgery and was sent to see an Infectious Disease Specialist after recovering.  On my first visit, I was told that my T-cell count was 191 and that I had AIDS and my viral load was 28,000.  He put me on Atripla and I have been taking it since late Jan. 07 along with Bactrim until my T-cell count sustained above 200 for at least 6 months.  On top of being angry at myself for getting this, I am scared of what lies ahead.  I live in a small town and my doctor is the only one that treats HIV/AIDS patients in my area.  How can I be sure that he is providing me with the best medical care possible both physically and mentally?  On my last visit I told him that I had been having bouts of depression and if he could prescribe something for it, but he said he wanted to wait because of the possible side affects the Atripla might have on my liver.  I have been trying to cope with my depression, but feel I'm loosing the battle.  My  family and partner have been supportive, but they can't fully understand everything that is going thru my head and I don't have anyone that I can talk to.  My doctor has told me not to tell anyone because of the area in which I live and the attitudes of the people in my town.  If I can't find someone to talk to, I'm scared of where I'll end up.  I asked my doctor about a support group or therapist and he told me to check out this site.

I've never been one to ask for help and have always found solutions to my problems on my own, but I know if I don't find someone to help me I will not have to worry about the HIV or AIDS.


Offline morethanpoz28

  • Member
  • Posts: 29
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2007, 04:36:12 PM »
You are not alone!  This whole things really stinks and we've got a raw deal but we are ALL here dealing with it and willing to walk the walk with you.  One of the things I felt and still feel is shame (I was diagnosed poz only a month ago) and a sense I had to hide.  With each day that begins to ebb away.  You have people who are supportive of you.  Focus on that and use the wonderful resources available here.  KEEP POSTING and recognize that all the things you are feeling are normal.  We can all beat this.  Feel free to drop me a line anytime.

Lisa (morethanpoz28)
Diagnosed 1/16/07
1st Lab 1/18/07 CD4 443; 37%; VL 660
2nd Lab 4/3/07 CD4 306; 28%; VL 1300
Retest 4/16/07 CD4 425; ?%; VL ?

Offline water duck

  • Member
  • Posts: 404
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2007, 04:55:55 PM »
Before i started anything, i like to wish you welcome !! It is pathetic and it is not meant as a joke !!

Bout of depression after a major surgery is normaL

Being angry at having this bug is a sentiment 9 out of 10 of us here have, so you are not unique.
So it is best to let ANGER  become an ally and use it to bring about changes that you now need to make. Apparently, you are on the right path, 'my family and partner are supportive ' what more can you have. There are many of us here , once we disclosed , lost our loved one , like BF and close friends.

You have questions about the quality of your doctor to treat you on the physical and mental level, please rest asssure, he is doing a good job from what you are writing about what he had proposed.
It may be difficult for you to understand that as you needed time to understand what becoming  'positive' is all about ; but in time , you will understand. If a doctor lead you to this site, he is someone very special, i applaud him and is happy for you as you have found a 'jewel'

Meanwhile, be kind to yourself, starting loving yourself more !! maybe , that is the message of this bug in your life !!

Don't be scare about where you will end up, (we all are you know, you not the only one) !!!!
YESTERDAY , is gone, we can't change it, TODAY  is what count, TOMORROW is a mystery - a phase quite often used around here.

Relax, sit back, make yourself comfortable, you in for a long ride. You are not changing anything, getting stressed out, only giving control of your life over to HIV, you want that ??


Offline dtwpuck

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2007, 05:39:35 PM »
Hi there and welcome. 

Your doctor definitely gave you some unusual advice about not telling anyone, but I guess you will have to judge for yourself if you think THAT advice is appropriate.  However, i strongly encourage you to browse this site for information about effective treatments.  I also encourage you to post in the Living with HIV or Treatment forums if you want opinions of others about whether your doc is giving you good advice.

Remember, this is going to be a rough ride.  You cannot do it alone.  It's ok to ask for help.  We are all here and in the same boat.  Some of us have been doing this for a while and others are new, but all of us understand very well.  While we don't always agree, I guarantee that you will find a whole lot of compassion and understanding on this site. 

Focus on yourself now.  It really is OK to be depressed.  When you recognize that's what's going on, then you can recognize that you can now take steps in dealing with it.  There is no magic bullet which cures depression, but it is critical that you learn to be in touch with your feelings.  Express yourself, and be kind to yourself.  If you suppress something, or don't ask for help, you probably are going to deal with it a whole lot worse later.  Your health will be very much impacted by maintaining a positive attitude.

Best of luck to you, and we're always here.  Peace.. Puck
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline Ral24Guy

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2007, 11:50:29 PM »
    I guess I should start with Hello, welcome, and sorry about your diagnosis.  I'm really glad that you found this website.  It has helped me bunches.  Hang in there.  I read your post and just had to respond.  It reminds me quite a bit of my own little story, just no surgery.  I was diagnosed 10/4/06 with a cd4 of 191 and a VL of 58k.  I was told that technically I had AIDS.  Its really scary to hear that.  But after taking the time to educate myself on that subject I learned that most states say that when a cd4 count drops below 200 that they go from HIV+ to AIDS.  As long as you keep taking care of yourself that cd4 will continue to go up.  The doctors immediately started me out on sustiva and truvada.  I don't know about other people, but I noticed that I had good days and bad days.  Some days I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed.  And others I *almost* felt like my old self. 
     You are going to need support, but you have to choose wisely about who you tell.  Some people love to gossip, and others will stand by your side.  There is so much that is still unknown about HIV/AIDS, but what they do know is that people with HIV/AIDS just have weaker immune systems.  That's it.  You are still going to get colds and coughs like the next person, but as long as you stay healthy, you won't see any effects of it. 
      I think the thing that helped me the most was realizing I was depressed.  Realizing why I was depressed.  And then most importantly doing the things that would make me feel better.  Go out with your friends, eat the extra slice of cake, pick the pretty flower.  In time you will realize that you are the same person you always were.  and that nothing has really changed.  I'm struggling to find myself, and its really hard.  Its very hard.  But everyday I feel I am closer and closer to falling back in love with me. 
    Hang in there, keep posting, you're not alone...  We are all in this together. 

Offline lifechanging2007

  • Member
  • Posts: 29
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2007, 05:18:21 AM »
Hello ga1964,

I would like to say welcome even though it is not something to be welcomed to.
Like yourself I was recently diagnosed (Jan 24, 2007), and for the first time in my life i can say "i understand". Now i understand why all this FUZZ about HIV. it's not only a very hard disease but also a 'mental-disease" that CAN affects your entire body,mind and life. It is up to you to decide to let it affect you or affect him.
I am not the best guy to give you advice because I am in a depression phase myself.
You see my diagnosis came in a worse timing (as if there is a good time for it) I was switching jobs and traveling so now i am jobless.
What helped me the most is the fact that there are much worse people than I am.
You should be happy you are in a great country like USA. In my country there is only 2 doctors that treat HIV+ positive patients and to give you an idea of the situation, when i got my first test results i called my doctor, it was at 8pm because i was so worried of the results and the only thing he told me "please don't call me after working hours, I am now HOME if it is not an emergency NEVER call me after woking hours" can you imagine a doctor saying that to a two-week-diagnosed-guy

I agree with Ral24guy, the most important thing is to start by loving ourselves again, because nowadays i am torturing myself for letting myself get to THIS.

But everyone has a path and everything in life happens for a reason. the biggest and hardest question remains : "WHY AM I HERE" for? I hope one day ill have the answer for this question and I really hope everyone has this question answered.

27/01/07 CD4=15.36%=245 VL=542000
14/03/07 CD4=13%=241 VL=858000    STARTED COMBIVIR AND SUSTIVA ON APRIL 27, 2007
05/09/07 CD4=22%=361  VL=undetectable
21/12/07 CD4=22%=451  VL=undetectable

The greatest adventure is what lies ahead
Today and tomorrow are yet to be said
The chances, the changes, are all yours to make
The mold of your life is in your hands to break.

Offline ga1964

  • Member
  • Posts: 188
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2007, 01:07:29 PM »
THANK YOU ALL FOR THE KIND WORDS AND SUPPORT, It is something that I have needed.  The past 2 months have seemed like an eternity and I felt like I was all by myself even though I did have my parent's and my partner's love and support.

To Morethanpoz:  Thank you, one of the things that has troubled me is the feeling of shame.  Shame that I let myself get infected, because I knew how to protect myself and did not.  Shame that I brought this into my relationship of 23yrs.  Shame of bringing this into my family for the second time, my uncle passed away 15yrs. ago.  Hopefully the feelings will start to ebb sometime soon.  Your words helped.

To Water Duck:  You may think I'm "pathetic" because I have had the support of my parents and partner, but I do know what it's like to loose that also.  Due to my Father being a very religious man, I hid who I was and missed 15yrs of having a father.  When I came out to my Mother, her initial reaction was "I no longer have a son.  Don't ever contact me again."  That was 18yrs ago and for the last 3yrs we have started talking and getting past the hurt we caused each other, but I still lost 15yrs of having a mother that I will never get back.  Weather or not I will ever feel totally comfortable around my parents is something I don't think I will ever know.  I'm always waiting for one of them to say "I no longer have a son." again.

To dtwpuck:  Thank you for your advise and support.  Suppressing and not expressing my feelings in the past did allow me to handle some of my problems in the past in the wrong way which has brought me to this place in my life.  I've always worried about not upsetting the other people in my life by dumping my problems on them and try to figure things out on my own.  I even did this with my partner and I'm not sure I know how to break this cycle.  I was raised to handle things on my own and asking for help was a sign of weakness, (God forbid someone would see that I did not have it all together.) and I hated myself for feeling that I needed help.  I felt like I was a failure.  I still do at times.

To Ral24guy  Thank you.  Being told that I had AIDS instead of HIV scared the hell out of me also.  I thought I could live with being told that I was HIV+, but being told that I had AIDS made me think that my time here was up and maybe that is what is triggering some of my depression.  I have had constant thoughts of "Why bother with the meds if I have full blown AIDS.  Why not end it all now and save my family and partner from having to watch me suffer and deteriorate."  I have seen what can happen and it scares me.  I have an appointment with my doctor the first March and hopefully he will give me good news that my numbers moving in the right direction.  I am also trying to find myself again and I thank you for tellling me your story.  It helped me to know that there is someone else who understands.

To lifechanging2007  Thank you.  Your story touched me very deeply.  I cannot imagine how I would handle this and the stress of not having a job at the same time.  The town I live in has only 1 doctor that deals with HIV/AIDS patients and believe it or not, at my first appointment, he told me the same thing.  " Do not call me after hours unless it is an emergency and you are on your way to the Emergency Room at the hospital."  Yes, this does happen in the USA and I can relate to how isolating it can make you feel, but I guess that if he let everyone that he treats to call him at any time of the day or night, he would not get any sleep.  I too am torturing myself for letting me get this and my mother has told me that I need to forgive myself, because my partner was able to forgive me.  I just don't know how yet.  Maybe someday soon I will figure that one out.

Once again let me say THANK YOU to everyone.  You have allowed me to see that there are people out there that care and can understand all the things that I am going thru that my loved ones, even though they try, can't fully understand.

I am very greatfull to you all.     

Offline Javicho

  • Member
  • Posts: 268
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #7 on: February 14, 2007, 01:30:26 PM »
Welcome, and I'm glad you find us, isnot ease to leave with the virus, but you will see that the only think you need is time, you find a very good place were you can talk to people and ask all questions that you may have, evrybody here is very suported, you will get to know us. Mean time hang in there and remember here we all help and leasing each other  :-*


Offline dingowarrior

  • Member
  • Posts: 191
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #8 on: February 14, 2007, 02:13:21 PM »
hi ga1864,
i totally relate on how you feel as i'm sure many others here to can relate with the feeling of shame. i also was careless and i was so mad at myself for a long while (still at times) that i did not protect myself. i just thought, well honestly,i NEVER thought something of this stature would happen to me. i know its such a cliche, but thats what i thought.
i was diagnose this past april of 06. i had a cd4 of 120 and a VL of 56,000.
i never got sick so i had no clue. i had just gotten married and we had a baby boy. we went for life insurance for my son, and i failed my insurance physical. i had no idea why.thought maybe high cholesterol.
well, turns out i had the virus. have had it at least 4 years. i cant tell you the emotional stress of breaking the news to my wife. and that she and my new born son would have to get tested again. it was the worst time in my life.
fortunatley, my wife and son are neg. i'm on meds now and my VL is undetectable and my cd4 is up to 229.
the hardest part of this thing for me has been ALL mental. but with the knowledge and support that you will find here,it will make it a hell of alot easier. time does ease the pain. trust me. i now it doesnt seem like that now,but you will get thru the drama and learn to deal with this mentally.trust me,i've been there. if i can cope,you surely can.
pm me anytime. i have a support number of some people to talk to if you need it.

be strong.

Offline water duck

  • Member
  • Posts: 404
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #9 on: February 14, 2007, 03:33:02 PM »
My use of the word 'pathetic' is with regards to my welcome to you here !!
It is not really pleasant to have new members coming here, sorry , i dug out 'old bones' for you.
I certainly do not seek to bring you sorrow.

I actually found that you was lucky to have the support of your family and BF, that is what you wrote, sorry , if i had misunderstood you.


Offline dtwpuck

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #10 on: February 14, 2007, 11:35:53 PM »
To dtwpuck:  Thank you for your advise and support.  Suppressing and not expressing my feelings in the past did allow me to handle some of my problems in the past in the wrong way which has brought me to this place in my life.  I've always worried about not upsetting the other people in my life by dumping my problems on them and try to figure things out on my own.  I even did this with my partner and I'm not sure I know how to break this cycle.  I was raised to handle things on my own and asking for help was a sign of weakness, (God forbid someone would see that I did not have it all together.) and I hated myself for feeling that I needed help.  I felt like I was a failure.  I still do at times.

Ga....  sometimes I feel that people who show vulnerability are stronger than those who appear strong. 
You sure don't sound like a failure to me.  But, I certainly know how you feel.   Try to remember that people who really love you WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS.  It's one of the defining features of love.  There are also lots of people out there who care enough about other people to feel empathy for others as a matter of instinct.  I actually believe there are a number of people who post here with that particularly fortunate personality characteristic.  I strongly suggest you avail yourself of the opportunity here to get things off your chest.  You will be better off for it, and it can be our little secret. 

:-)  welcome.  I look forward to learning more about you.
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline jiapet

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #11 on: February 15, 2007, 12:19:14 AM »

How are you coping?  I don't know if it was explained adequately or not but you can go from "full-blown AIDS" (hate that term...I prefer "meeting AIDS criteria, which means your CD4 count is below 200 and your viral load is above...help me out here guys I am having a brain fart on the viral load #... AND you have an opportunistic infection.)

Once those circumstances are resolved (CD4 count rises above 200, viral load is down, infection is gone, you are back to "just" HIV.  My husband has met criteria 4 times since his diagnosis in 1995 and he is undetectable now; has been for 2 years.

As far as the depression, you had a triple whammy - surgery, where the anesthesia can cause depression, major life changing news, and HIV meds.  Most SSRI's (Prozac, Paxil, etc) are fine with ARV's (never heard of a doc turning someone down for them but I am not a doc either, just a wife and HIV educator/counselor.)  Whatever u do don't let them give u Wellbutrin.  A lot of psychs don't know about HIV med interactions so you have to read drug inserts and educate yourself.

I know it's a lot but hang in there!

Offline ga1964

  • Member
  • Posts: 188
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #12 on: February 15, 2007, 11:55:13 AM »
First let me apologize to water duck, I missunderstood and I am truly sorry.  This is one of the things that gets me down the most.  I seem to have a much shorter fuse than I use to and "bark"  quicker than usual.  I have caught myself doing this with my BF and my clients also.  Infact I did it last night to my BF on Valentines day of all days.

The advice that has been sent to me is helping and I thank all of you that are showing so much compassion.  Having a place to vent out and know that someone out there is going "been there/done that" and letting me know how they got thru is helping me gain my sanity back. 

dingowarrior:  Your story touched me deeply and I am so glad that your wife and son are healthy.  At times I think if I had a child, that would give me the strength to be able to face anything life had to throw at me just to make sure that I was always there to protect him.  I have 2 nieces (1yr. / 5yrs. ) and 1 nephew ( 3yrs ) that I love so much and pray that I will be here to see them marry and have children of their own.  I would like to talk to you sometime and get those numbers from you.  Please stay in touch and keep me informed on you and your family.  God Bless.

dtwpuck:  I have taken your advice and have been reading things on this site and it is helping.  Thank you for your encouragement.  Due to things that have happened in the past with family and "so callled friends", I quit opening up to them because it seemed like I would get burned in the end and then they would disappear.  Maybe one thing that I need to learn, is to give others a chance, but I am so afraid of getting burned again and going thru the pain of loosing someone that I thought cared about me.  It just seems that everytime I let my guard down and trust someone, they have ulterior motives and are only around until they have gotten what they need and then they are gone.  The only exception has been by BF, he has stayed by my side and I think god for him, but I do have fears that he might get to a point that he can't handle this and he might disappear.  If I sound like a cry baby, tell me to shut up please.

jiapet:  Thank you for asking.  Today is better than yesterday and yesterday was better than the day before thanks to the people on this site.  They have been very helpful in relieving some of my anxieties and allowing me to get things I was holding inside out.  About a month after being told I had AIDS, that if my T-cell counts came up above 200 I would then be classified as having HIV.  That month really screwed me up, because I was thinking that since I was classified and having AIDS I did not have long to live.  I go back to my doctor around the 1st of March and hopefully he will tell me my T-cells are rising and my VL is lowering.  God, I hope so.  As for the depression meds, he said he wanted to wait because of all the meds they gave me in the hospital, the meds for recovery ( I had to stop some of them due to reactions ), and the new meds that I am now having to take for this virus.  He said he wanted to make sure that my liver and kidneys could handle that load first.  He also said that the "triple whammy" more than likely was causing my depression and when I saw him in March if my liver and kidney results came back good and I was still battling depression we would talk about meds for that then.

I'm hanging in, Thanks all.

Offline healthiepoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 12
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #13 on: February 15, 2007, 12:20:57 PM »
Welcome New and Scared..

Most important your not alone!!

Hang on too the ride bar (rollercoaster) it's certainly is one hell of a ride.
The most important thing I can say is your not alone, life it's self is scary, and h.i.v. adds a different twist.
I grew up in a rural area, not much available especially at that time 1985. Unlike you finding out prior to a surgerical procedure, I asked my doctor to be tested, and still here to share with others about my experiences.
In being tested, I just assumed their were treatment options available. No such luck, although AZT was hitting the market, and lots of "Home Remedies" going on.. lol. The times have changed.
I received my results 2 Elisa, and WesternBlot over the phone.. bullshit.
Where to turn, what to do, ect.. and no access to the internet, not that their were countless sites, and information available at that time.. Having a really compassionate Dr. his outstanding staff (especially in those day's) absolutely made an impressive difference in my life. Dr. is/was an individual who went beyond (especially at that time) his required duties, and obtained information, contacts, ect. in a metropolitan area. Like you, I didn't feel as though I had access to resources, the closest being 45 miles away, and working fulltime, not driving, having to hitchhike (which today I don't recommend), a 45 min. bus, and 20 min. on Subway.. really didn't seem like an option, though the alternative wasn't very attractive either. I've been in & out of therapy for the majority of my life, and continue too do so when life become extremely overwhelming.
I started tellling others, I had too take the risks, the pain inside me was just too great and the alternative well just not an option. I started with those who were close, and felt were sincere, had some positive responses, and neg. though the positive responses out numbered the neg. not sure why we hold on too the neg. (at least I do). Telling family came about 5 yrs. later. Though, looking at the situations today, theirs just to much available. I needed to examine my motives in lots of areas, why am I telling? Who to trust, ect. Without a doubt, you will find many who share simular experiences. This is certainly a journey.. I always suggest educate self, obtain as much knowledge as possible, go to any length and access local services (wherever that my be for you) all major cities, and some rural areas have access to services, healthcare, emotional, and many other services which maybe useful for you. Remember your not alone anymore. Internet can seem impersonalable, though a tremendous source of information. The are in which I was tested has come a long, long, way from where it was. I became involved in a process in which hopefully, I, made a difference. I did lots of public speaking on safersex, how I became infected, lack of treatment options, and educating youth in various schools. Things change, was not an over night matter, however when word got out to the general public, local and  government agencies, and private agencies who deal with H.I.V. / A.I.D.S. changes took place. We have a voice,  it's scary, when one individual speaks out others seem to support, acknowledge, & support.

Offline dtwpuck

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #14 on: February 15, 2007, 06:38:59 PM »
Hi GA....  I have always believed that life is full of risks.  Sometimes you are going to get hurt when you make yourself available to others emotionally.  The trick is to learn to see others as human and that humans beings change.  As we move through life, our emotional needs go from one thing to another.  Very few of us are static, and those who are generally are perceived as stagnant or intransigent.    So, when someone is important to you for a while, and then they move on, it is sometimes good to look at that transition as necessary or just part of life.  It might not make the hurt less, but it does help you to understand.

I have known many people in my life who are not there anymore.  Sometimes it makes me sad to think that things have changes, but i am glad to have known them.  Sometimes I drop them a line and tell them things like "you really made a difference to me ten years ago"  or "I was just remembering you fondly and decided to drop you a note to say hi."   I have been hurt.  But, I have learned a few things, and one of those things is not to protect myself from deep emotional contact.  Emotional intimacy does not necessarily imply permanence.

Your boyfriend is very lucky to have you!  And you really should not be apologizing for expressing yourself ...  you're not a crybaby by any stretch of the imagination.  You are dealing with something REALLY BIG... and it's OK to feel a lot of stuff about it.  Eventually, hopefully, you will come to a place where you feel calm and wise about hiv, your own mortality and relationships.  While i can't promise you will ever be happy about having hiv, I can say that there are an awful lot of people in the world for whom a crisis has made them a better person.

Understanding your own emotions and forgiving yourself helps you to understand others.  And, maybe, that includes understanding that others care enough about you for you to let them in.


Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline RapidRod

  • Member
  • Posts: 15,288
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #15 on: February 16, 2007, 08:06:34 PM »
Once those circumstances are resolved (CD4 count rises above 200, viral load is down, infection is gone, you are back to "just" HIV.
Jiapet, that is incorrect. One you receive the classification of AIDS. Your name and address goes into the State Health Department, once there your classifications never changes. You will from then foward be listed as living with AIDS.

Offline tigger2376

  • Member
  • Posts: 462
  • too bad to die youngish!
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #16 on: February 23, 2007, 07:34:49 PM »
I didn't realise that happens in the US,it sucks! Makes me wonder about UK. However,you have been welcomed here by others and I don't want to just repeat their words,so just, 'hi', we are here for you.
I know i'm going to enjoy the party in the afterlife, but do you all mind that I'm going to be VERY late!!!

Offline koi1

  • Member
  • Posts: 713
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #17 on: February 23, 2007, 10:22:47 PM »

Welcome. We are here for you. Let us give you support if that is what you need.

P. M.  me if you need to chat.

diagnosed on 11/20/06 viral load 23,000  cd4 97    8%
01/04/07 six weeks after diagnosis vl 53,000 cd4 cd4 70    6%
Began sustiva truvada 01/04/07
newest labs  drawn on 01/15/07  vl 1,100    cd4 119    7%
Drawn 02/10/07
cd4=160 viral load= 131 percentage= 8%
New labs 3/10/07 (two months on sustiva truvada
cd4 count 292  percentage 14 viral load undetectable

Offline boxx10

  • New Member
  • Posts: 1
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #18 on: February 25, 2007, 12:39:46 AM »
Hi ga1964. Your fear is totally understandable but I am a 24 year survivor and am very healthy. This does not mean sickness and the end. It is the beginning of a new and often hard road to travel but you are not alone and I am quite sure that you will live a long healthy life. If your liver checks out your doc will probably prescribe anti depressants---yea, they help and sometimes you don't find just the right one on your first run but there are plenty of good ones out there, example Welbutrin did not work so well for me so I changed to Celixa which does the job.
I am on Truvada and Lexiva---works great. (HIV meds)
You will go through many emotional changes in the years to come but after you have hit about 10 years you will forget half the time that you have it.
ALWAYS   ALWAYS    practice safe sex and you will come through with flying colors. I am quite sure of this since
as I said---I have 24 years under my belt.

Offline ga1964

  • Member
  • Posts: 188
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #19 on: March 05, 2007, 11:28:06 PM »
Thanks for all the support and encouragement from every one.  It has helped me get thru these past few weeks waiting to get my new numbers. I am happy to be able to say that they have improved. :) 

My CD-4 count has risen from 191 in Jan. to 380.
CD-4% is 23.
Viral load is undetectable.

This news has made today one of the brightest day I have had since being diagnosed. 

Once again, Thanks for all the support.  I don't know how I would have gotten thru it without your support.

I did ask for something for the depression I have been having and my I.D. put me on Paxil.  Can anyone tell me what I can expect (both good and bad) about taking Paxil? Any input would be appreciated.


Offline dtwpuck

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: New and Scared.
« Reply #20 on: March 08, 2007, 12:05:23 AM »
Hi ga!
Big congratulations to you. 
Now take a deep breath, look at yourself in the mirror, and ask yourself for help first.

If you need to start Paxil, there are lots of people here who know about it.  I suggest posting a thread in the living forum.  It will get more attention.

Many of us keep depression as a companion on this forum.  I posted elsewhere today about how I dealt with it myself.  You will find that you are not alone on this one.

Here's hoping that your positive numbers soon translate into a positive outlook too, as you seem to be on your way.  :-)

My best to you and here's to more bright days.
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.


Terms of Membership for these forums

© 2017 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.