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Author Topic: having a hard time dealing with everything!!!  (Read 5301 times)

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Offline itstallionman

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  • Posts: 13
having a hard time dealing with everything!!!
« on: January 17, 2007, 07:43:09 PM »
I have tested pos for HIV and talked to my partner about it.  He is a wonderful person and is very understanding and swears he will stand by me, however his reaction to his own health is very disturbing and hurtful.  He has not been tested yet and I am not sure he wants to know.  He tells me that we should just assume that he is pos.  If he does get tested and comes up pos he has made it quite clear that he will not take medications and will not live his life on pills and side affects.  He doesn't want to spend the extra money on the meds and care and would rather use that money to live a happier life while he can.  This attitude scares me, I do not want to go through life without him because he was too stubborn to take care of his health.  I understand he is probably just scared and uninformed but he is a very stubborn person.

I made my follow up appointment, I am assuming for more testing and to get my blood counts, and asked that my partner accompany me.  I am hoping that the doc will give us/him more insight and information about all this and ease his mind about the treatment.  This is only one of the million things that have been on my mind, I feel like I am going crazy!  I can't tell you how many times I broke down in a silent sob at my work because of my thoughts running out of control.  Is there anyone else that felt the way he does about their status?  has this attitude changed?  if so what made you change your mind?  What can I do to change his mind?  He says it's "his choice" but I disagree, he has more now to think about than just himself, he has me and family!

Ok I am going to end this before I start rambling, I have way too much going through my head right now!  Thanks for listening.

Offline Tucsonwoody

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  • Posts: 396
Re: having a hard time dealing with everything!!!
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2007, 08:30:11 PM »
Evening itsallionman -

If if helps at all, you have lots of company and I am really glad you are willing to let us know whats on your mind and sharing it.  I tend to be someone who keeps everything bottled up and realize that when I let it go I always feel better - so I hope you'll always do the same here.

When I first learned I was positive last fall, I was expecting that news and it wasn't until later when I was laying in bed at the hospital that my thoughts started to overwhelm me.  My mind was racing from one thought to the next over and over like a broken machine and I had never experienced that before.  I found I wasn't really all that afraid I might die soon as much as I worried about all the things like the impact on my family, who would take care of my dog, and so on.

As most people I have heard here confirm, it's something everyone goes through and then it usually starts to get better.  Sometimes more quickly for some then others.  I hope you and your partner will come to see that and that he will also learn that there is much value in knowing his status for sure.

If he is negative - what a great thing.  If he is not, then he may or may not need meds now or even in the future and who knows what science will do in the future to attack and tame this awful beast of HIV/AIDS.  So maybe he will want to be around for longer then he realizes today.

I wish you all the best and keep on posting and sharing - I am sure others who have much more experience then I do can add even more.

And I wished for guidance, and I wished for peace
I could see the lightning; somewhere in the east
And I wished for affection, and I wished for calm
As I lay there - Nervous in the light of dawn

Offline Eldon

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Re: having a hard time dealing with everything!!!
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2007, 09:48:25 PM »
It may come accross a little harsh but the truth is the truth and any variation of the truth is a LIE. Due to this unfortunate circumstance, it has triggered a lot of unwarrented thoughts inside of your mind. Worrying in a constant state is not going to change what has happened. The BEST thing that you can do is to address what IS and do what IS necessary in order to take care of your health. As far as your BF is concerned, there is a lot of hidden fear that he has not shared with you nor have you shared your hidden fears just as well. It is important to solidify an effective support system to accept, understand, and communicate honestly with each other.

Hi Its, my name is Eldon and I am also HIV positive. You are not alone with this unfortunate circumstance that has taken place in your life. Communication is key.

Here you will find acceptance, understanding, communication, support, some cries, some laughter and much more. This site is infused with a lot of good information in order to HELP you with any questions that you may have on HIV/AIDS.

From my personal experience here, this is a great group of individuals who will listen as we as answer back to you. I have learned so much more by being here with my interaction with the others.

A few suggestions to HELP you on your Journey:

1. A Positive Mental Attitude
2. A Good Exercise Routine
3. A Good Balanced Diet
4. A Good Strong Support System

Feel free to browse through the many variations of topics here and also share with what is on your mind.

Welcome to our community.
« Last Edit: January 17, 2007, 09:50:46 PM by Eldon »

Offline indyguy

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  • Posts: 260
  • Hoosier Boy Single Again.
Re: having a hard time dealing with everything!!!
« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2007, 08:29:04 AM »
As far as meds go there are programs that will allow you to gets for free. I live in Indiana and thought the same thing. The meds would exceed my total income. My care person told me that there are programs that will provide meds and any other medical needs I have free of charge. Depends on your income. I make less then 29,000 a year and would have to go to a "part time" status to show that I have no insurance even though I could remain working almost full time hours in order to get help that I need. Not something I want to do but I have no other choices if I want to stay healthy. I have decided to work with young people and help them through their rough times dealing with hiv and being gay. I believe everything happens for a reason. I also have a very strong belief and faith in GOD and have put this whole thing in his hands because it is way to big for me to handle. Finding out about my status has opened up an entire new outlook on life for me. I dont know why but the little problems that used to stress me out just dont seem all that important any more. I KNOW I AM GOING TO BE AROUND FOR A LONG TIME. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. Have faith in GOD and move foward. Read footprints in the sand it helps me. Wish you all the best and God Bless.
Meds doing well so far.

Offline rick21007

  • Member
  • Posts: 286
Re: having a hard time dealing with everything!!!
« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2007, 01:28:56 PM »
ITSTALLIONMAN---I can sure relate on a lot of levels what you are going through.  Relationship issues really compound the stress of an already stressful time.  Whoosh!!!!!!!!!!  Somedays I am just trying to breathe enough to keep going.

I will share what has been helping, at least for me:  Like Indyguy said, faith in God.  For me that means turning over (and over, and over) what I have no control over, which includes anyone elses feelings, behavior, thoughts.  Just have to let this go, as scary as it is.  I work out every day.  This really helps me deal with stress and I am doing something pro-active not just for my health but to keep a positive attitude about myself.  Staying focused in the moment.  This means constantly re-focusing my mind on the present and not dwelling on the past or future.  Letting go of the what-ifs and if-onlys and accepting what is.  That is a damn hard one.  Stay connected to my support system.  I found I fell down here putting all my emotional eggs in one basket so to speak, only to have that basket turned upside down. 

You will get through this.  It takes courage and wisdom and it takes other people to be there for us.

Best,   Rick

Offline dtwpuck

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  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: having a hard time dealing with everything!!!
« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2007, 08:08:53 PM »
Your boyfriend sounds like me fifteen years ago.  Tell him that KS makes a really great accessory when you hang out with a drag queen who looks like Cruella DeVille.  The trouble is, you can look like a dalmation, and look fabulous with your ribs sticking out coughing up blood and stuff, going into convulsions on the dance floor and still feel like you're all about having a quality lifestyle.   Denial is a tough thing.  Life IS about quality, but it doesn't come from sticking your head in the sand about what it's going to take to live a quality life style. 

Sorry to hear that he's pretending.  He's afraid.  You're not going to find a nice little formula online as to how to handle THAT... but I can tell you one thing:  as you learn to deal with being poz, and he still lives in his pixie fairy dust world of "i'm going to spend my money on happiness", you're going to find that being happy has nothing to do with the things you choose to do with your resources but the things you do with your soul.  And, then, you will move on.   Hope he finds himself well enough to join you.

Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline itstallionman

  • Member
  • Posts: 13
Re: having a hard time dealing with everything!!!
« Reply #6 on: January 19, 2007, 12:34:40 PM »
thanks for all of your input.  my partner has been very supportive and I am sure when we start seeing the doctors and getting more information he will start to see what all is involved and realize it isn't as bad as it seems.  Yes it still is a terrible thing to be diagnosed with a cronic illness however I know we can get through this and it may even make us stronger and together we can develope a better relationship.  Thanks again for the comments, I appreciate that there are people out there willing to listen

Offline Boo Radley

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  • Not a "real man" and damn proud, mithter... FAB
    • Animal Rescue New Orleans
Re: having a hard time dealing with everything!!!
« Reply #7 on: January 19, 2007, 01:13:34 PM »

It's very common to be completely freaked out after you first learn you're poz.  All sorts of crazy ideas and fears play havoc with your mind and emotions.  Just let it all out as much as you can.  If you don't want coworkers to see you cry go to the men's room or another more private place.  Ask as many questions here as you want to and if you have a support group in your area you may try that.  Also, most ASOs provide one on one (or maybe even couples) counseling for anyone dealing with a poz diagnosis.   The important thing to remember is HIV is no longer an automatic death sentence and many of us lead long, healthy lives.

Your bf seems to be in denial right now so don't press him too hard about testing.  It is important that he know, however, even if he elects no HIV treatment.   At a certain stage he will be prone to opportunistic infections and there are now preventive treatments for some (notably pneumocystis pneumonia, which can kill him the first time he catches it if he's not aware of his immune system status).  I don't know how you might impart to him the problems he will eventually face if his immune system function is decreasing and he's not monitoring it. 

I don't know how old you are but guess your bf, at any rate, does not remember the 80s and 90s when people were dying in droves of all sorts of horrible, miserable illnesses.  Almost all those who died would probably trade an arm to have access to the medicines now available.   HIV/AIDS is still no picnic but many of us in western countries have access to a variety of meds that greatly mitigate the effect of the virus.

Most of all you have to take care of yourself since you're the only one who can do that.  I know right now it's hard but with each passing hour, day, week, month, etc. you gain a little more of your sanity back and the overwhelming fear of being poz gives way to a feeling not exactly of complacency but maybe acceptance with a positive outlook. 

AIDSmeds has a lot of caring and helpful people and you'll undoubtedly benefit from being another of them.

Best wishes,

String up every aristocrat!
Out with the priests and let them live on their fat!

Everything I do, say, think, excrete, secrete, exude, ooze, or write 2007 Sweet Old Boo, Inc.

Offline Andy Velez

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  • Posts: 32,234
Re: having a hard time dealing with everything!!!
« Reply #8 on: January 19, 2007, 06:03:27 PM »
Stallion, I'm glad you found your way to our site. How about we take one thing at a time. While I appreciate your concern about your boyfriend, let's focus on you for the moment.

It will take a while to get used to living with HIV. Gradually you're going to learn what you need to know to stay healthy. Most important is for you to get a doctor who will regularly monitor your numbers and with whom you can work as a partner in keeping you well.

Allow yourself time to get adjusted to this new aspect of your life. It's very, very new for you, so allow for that. You're always welcome here to talk about whatever is on your mind as well as to ask questions.

Now, as far as your boyfriend is concerned, I suggest you let him be. Arguing with and pressuring him about getting tested is just likely to alienate him and/or make him dig his heels in deeper to not deal with the issue of his status. So leave it alone for the timbeing. Work on keeping the talk between you guys as simple and direct emotionally as possible. That will help to preserve and may even deepen the intimacy in your relationship. There's no big deal about his having to know his status this very minute. The important thing is that whoever is the insertive partner if you have intercourse together should be wearing a condom everytime.

Remember that you can talk about anything here. Read the lessons on the site about being newly infected including the one about disclosure issues.

You've come to the right place so visit and talk here as much (or as little) as you like.

Andy Velez

Offline FiercenBed

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  • Posts: 183
Re: having a hard time dealing with everything!!!
« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2007, 03:21:00 PM »
the 1st thing i did have the diagnosis was to insist my partner get tested. and guess what....he was negative. <thank god> i dont think i could have stood the both of us standing around whining & moaning...lol. so dont take anything for granted. it does kinda irritates me that when ever i bring it up in conversation he wants to skip over it.

Offline northernguy

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  • Posts: 1,347
Re: having a hard time dealing with everything!!!
« Reply #10 on: January 31, 2007, 01:41:25 AM »
Ditto what Fiercenbed said.  My partner of 14 years tested negative.  I was so happy for him, he has been wonderful. At the same time, it made me feel a little bit more alone..selfish I know, but it is what it is.

But your not alone, there's a lot of great people here.  The day after my diagnosis I got up went to work and managed to hold it together. Looking back that totally surprises me but life goes on!
Apr 28/06 cd4 600 vl 10,600 cd% 25
Nov 8/09 cd4 510 vl 49,5000 cd% 16
Jan 16/10 cd4 660 vl 54,309 cd% 16
Feb 17/10 Started Atripla
Mar 7/10 cd4 710 vl 1,076 cd% 21
Apr 18/10 cd4 920 vl 268 cd% 28
Jun 19/10 cd4 450 vl 60 cd% 25
Aug 15/10 cd4 680 vl 205 cd% 27
Apr 3/11 cd4 780 vl <40 cd% 30
Jul 17/11 cd4 960 vl <40 cd%33
April 15/12 cd4 1,010 vl <40 cd% 39
April 20/12 Switched to Viramune + Truvada
Aug 2/12 cd4 1040, vl <40, cd% 38
Oct 19 cd4 1,110 vl <40 cd% 41


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