Fingering and Kissing

[ImnotOK]

Im currently in a relationship with a guy who just recently been diagnose with HIV. He is not yet undetectable and we have decided to go for safer sex like masturbation and kissing. What are the chances of acquiring HIV through kissing if I have like 1 dot like wound on my gums (like poke by a tiny needle because of brushing). Sometimes we just pat our lips together and I have like wound on my lips (because of the cold weather I have dried chapped lips that causes red patches with like blood mark - very flat and faded).

One time while we decided to masturbate again, because of pleasure he decided to rim my anus (is licking the anus a risk?). And on the next day, while he is masturbating (he said there is no precum), the hand he used to masturbate in his penis is the same hands he use to finger my anus (with lubricant).

Which of the activities here are likely to cause infection? If there is a precum on his finger that time, is the probability of infection higher? I always thought that with or without the fluid, there are small traces of the virus around the penis or the shaft, that is why Im worried he just inserted those traces of virus on my anus.

I have Prep but not yet been using it for I thought all we did was safe. Thats why I decided if my next HIV test will be negative, I will now be taking Prep even if we will just masturbate, kiss or he again tends to finger my anus. An direct and honest assessment is appreciated.

[Jim Allen]

Im currently in a relationship with a guy who just recently been diagnose with HIV. He is not yet undetectable

Did he get his diagnosis after or before the relationship had started? Did you have any other sexual activities with him, such as condomless intercourse or giving him a blowjob before the diagnosis and when did you last test?

[ImnotOK]

He has been on treatment for 5 months I think and he did gain a lot of weight ever since. But last year his CD4 count was still below 200, like 130, so we decided not to have his viral load check because its quite expensive and we are in doubt that he is still undetectable. There was no oral sex involve and not sexual intercourse, just kissing (very subtle but open mouth kissing), masturbating and he fingered be 1 time. But we are planning it once he is undetectable (I just hope this decision will not cause me acquiring the virus since I have a little doubt on it if it is really true that being undetectable mean the virus cant be passed on).

[Jim Allen]

To start with, read both of your posts three times. Kissing, fingering, masturbation and rimming (anilingus) aren't HIV risks to you; nothing you mentioned changes that.

we are planning it once he is undetectable

The issue with that is he needs to have a suppressed viral load for six months first, and you have not measured his viral load yet, so you don't know if his meds are working and even if he measured the viral load next month, you don't know if it has then been suppressed for the six months yet or not.

What you need to know is if the person living with HIV has a suppressed viral load (below 200 copies) for six+ months and then continues to take their meds, they can not pass on HIV sexually. https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=71864.0

since I have a little doubt on it if it is really true that being undetectable mean the virus cant be passed on

There are 23+ years of scientific studies and evidence to back the above up and the swiss statement to confirm this was published 15 years ago and all evidence since has done nothing but confirm it.  There hasn't been a single case to disprove it, you will not be a first.

Now, of course,  I can't guarantee that your partner keeps taking their meds, and there is always the risk of other STIs.

Thats why I decided if my next HIV test will be negative,

Well if positive it's from a previous encounter or some other activity then the ones mentioned here.

An direct and honest assessment is appreciated.

Talk to your partner about your irrational fears, and work through them if possible together and get his viral load checked and repeat again six months later.

Here's what you need to know to reduce your HIV risks:
Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse correctly and consistently, with no exceptions. Consider talking to your healthcare provider about PrEP as an additional layer of protection against HIV

Keep in mind that some sexual practices described as safe in terms of acquiring HIV still pose a risk for other easier-acquired STIs. So please do get tested at least yearly for STIs, including but not limited to HIV, and more frequently if condomless intercourse occurs.

Also, note that it is possible to have an STI and show no signs or symptoms; testing is the only way to know.

Kind regards

Jim

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