Hate going to the clinic

[Séan_Dublin]

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to posted about this as it's being playing on my mind lately. I absolutely hate and fear going to the clinic to get bloods/reviewed and meds every six months. I have an appointment tomorrow and I feel ill and can't eat. It's nothing to do with the process. I'm not worried about the medical side of things just more having to sit in that environment, feeling shame, waiting, and just waiting to run out the door. It's funny because I know everyone there tomorrow is living with HIV and we are somewhat all going through the same process. I wish I could feel more empowered by my diagnosis and going there. I dream of the day it's GP led and you don't have to go to the clinic (it probably will never happen but one can dream). Anyway, I don't even know what I'm trying to say here but wanted to share. I live in Ireland btw x

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

Really sorry to hear you hate it this much and the impact it's having. Not sure what clinic you are visiting, I go to the mater hospital and that's okay but hate that it's in Dublin 

Anyhow, ill spare you the don't be ashamed speech and instead, just wish you the best for tomorrow.

I dream of the day it's GP led and you don't have to go to the clinic (it probably will never happen but one can dream).

I have to be honest that I have the opposite thinking, GP-led would be my nightmare, in part because of my history with GPs being incorrect, leaking information, telling my ex-wife that I am a danger to the children because of my HIV status, handshaking transmission fears they had and near-death experiences all mean I could and will never do GP-led HIV care in Ireland.

There is a need for major investment and screening of GPs before GP-led is a reality, and I think it would be good as an alternative option in the future for those that prefer GP-led or those that really can't travel to clinics.

[Jim Allen]

How are you doing & feeling otherwise?

[Séan_Dublin]

 

I have to be honest that I have the opposite thinking, GP-led would be my nightmare, in part because of my history with GPs being incorrect, leaking information, telling my ex-wife that I am a danger to the children because of my HIV status, handshaking transmission fears they had and near-death experiences all mean I could and will never do GP-led HIV care in Ireland.

Oh Jim. That sounds awful. I had my shocked face on reading it. I go to James. They are all lovely in there, I just hate the feelings and stuff that comes up for me when I'm there. I do also fear someone will see me and tell people 'on the outside' about me. It's bloody ridiculous even saying it but here I am. I'm good otherwise. I hear in the UK they only go once a year to the clinics. I'd be very happy with that lol

[Séan_Dublin]

I also realised I don't know how to quote 

[Jim Allen]

I also realised I don't know how to quote 

No problem, i edited your post.

There is a "quote" button above each post but it's easy to miss and BBCode is so outdated it's no surprise that nobody learns its nowadays.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BBCode

[Jim Allen]

Oh Jim. That sounds awful. I had my shocked face on reading it. I go to James. They are all lovely in there, I just hate the feelings and stuff that comes up for me when I'm there. I do also fear someone will see me and tell people 'on the outside' about me. It's bloody ridiculous even saying it but here I am. I'm good otherwise. I hear in the UK they only go once a year to the clinics. I'd be very happy with that lol

Glad to hear the people in Saint James's are nice.

I can appreciate it, and I am sorry to hear about the fear someone might see you. I mean, Ireland isn't big; travel to any random town, and you still meet people who know you or know you through someone 

Logically though, if someone saw you, they are there for the same issues, and living with HIV isn't embarrassing/shameful, or at least it shouldn't be ... But internalized stigma is tough, and I know its not always 100% logical.

I wish I could offer some practical advice, but I can't. However, I can listen and hear you and let you know you are not alone. Also, let me know if you ever need to chat or talk on zoom. BTW, are you a member of the HIV meetup group in Ireland on Facebook? ill send you the details through PM.

[wardp]

Jim sometime In the near future I may have to return to Ireland,in the back of my mind is if I visit a local GP or a  center with many
gps. will all the staff know my hiv status? I would like to keep it private as is my right, I imagine there is stigma in every town and city, stigma comes from I'll informed individuals.

[Jim Allen]

Jim sometime In the near future I may have to return to Ireland,in the back of my mind is if I visit a local GP or a  center with many
gps. will all the staff know my hiv status? I would like to keep it private as is my right, I imagine there is stigma in every town and city, stigma comes from I'll informed individuals.

Look, I can't tell you about every clinic.

However, the Mater has several units for different things with their own entrance from the main hallway. Unit 6 is ID, and on Thursdays, it's HIV only, so everyone there is living with HIV, and the only doctors/nurses and the receptionist who are extremely professional know and are within the unit providing care and services.

It's as private and professional as it gets and far better than the shed next to the building I heard it was many years ago.

I've been to St James only once and that was many years ago and I didn't like it or the staff but I am sure a lot has changed since then.

Regarding local GP services, my experiences have been less than stellar, same can be said about dentists that cost me a relationship and ended in a legal case that they settled.

I would like to keep it private as is my right, I imagine there is stigma in every town and city, stigma comes from I'll informed individuals

Ireland is small 

Everybody knows I am living with HIV and I used to live in small towns like Trim and currently Dunboyne.

In Trim, I have never felt more at home and treated "normal" and welcomed by everyone, no exceptions. Dunboyne, it's never come up, but I am treated fine, Dublin and D15 were and it still is a shithole and was a significant issue for me.

The stigma I have experienced is from GPs, dentists and pharmacy staff, the general population has been 100% fantastic and that's my experience, I am sure others will have different experiences.

[Loa111]

Hi Sean_Dublin,

I'm in Ireland and go to Vincents, lovely staff there too, really good people.

Perhaps a suggestion... I was feeling a bit down & depressed last year & via a proactive doctor at my ID clinic, who recommended me to try the counselling service by a psychologist attached to the ID clinic. I'm guessing James has a similar service?
This could do you a world of good talking to someone about your dislike of attending the clinic, & help you deal the negative thoughts about it? Might help you feel better?

Myself, I prefer going to the ID Clinic because I know  one of the top ID/HIV consultants will be looking after my case & supervising the doctor I actually meet on my appointment. Wouldn't you much rather have an expert who is current on our condition looking after you then a GP?

Going to that hospital, I too dread the idea of bumping into people I know, as I think mine is a shared waiting room plus have to go through the normal entrance & hallway etc.

Personally I cannot stand my GP anymore. She really has not a clue what to do with me because I'm poz.  Her leading question is always "Did you ask the ID consultant about this?, maybe you should ask?".  I must look for a new GP someday who understands hiv. However, I feel reassured by the level of expertise at the ID Clinic.