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Author Topic: A Lonely Secret  (Read 807 times)

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Offline BlackEastCoast

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A Lonely Secret
« on: April 08, 2020, 07:21:26 pm »
I will never forget 3/5/18 when I was checking the new system my doctor told me about that allows me to check my records online. I had been feeling ill for some time and believed that I had the flu after going to the emergency room at hospital and being told that this was the flu and I would have to wait it out. This was the first time in my adult life that I had gotten a doctor since I moved because other than over weight I was healthy.

As I logged on to this health care system and began to read I saw the blood work that had been done so I clicked through to see if anything would explain what was wrong. A few clicks in and there it was....Positive. My world my life, my dreams all of it dead. I felt as if some one had unplugged me and I was powering off. I called the only person I could and cried.

You know I later found out that I was never suppose to find out that way. The system was not suppose to allow me to see that at home alone just in case I couldn't handle it. The doctor who I was getting to know apologized and informed me that he would be referring me to a different doctor who was better suited to help with cases like mine. I did go to this doctor and in fact it was the best decision for me because they make me feel comfortable and like they really care.

This is the first time I have ever spoke about this and even now I cry because besides my one support person and my doctor no one else knows. I can't tell even those that support and love me because I don't know what will happen. I have not had sex, dated, fallen in love, etc. because I don't even know where to begin. Those who know me in my religion would surely distance themselves from me and I have no idea what my parents would say or think. I am an adult man truly afraid of the fallout that would occur I my secret was exposed but who just wants to feel whole again. I have gone on and laughed and smiled since 3/5/18 and no one really understands the inner pain and fear. I am grateful for my support person and doctor because without them I don't know...I just don't know.
<3 You Are More Than Enough <3

Offline Jackmydin

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  • Posts: 69
Re: A Lonely Secret
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2020, 04:32:29 am »
Hi Eagle,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you are doing well overall except the health report telling you positive.

I know it seems like it's the end of the world at first, then when you started to accept who you are but it seems there's nobody to reach out for, or someone who truly understands you. It takes time, my friend. I felt the same too, but after start asking and talking with some members here, i felt much relieved.

You are not alone in this. As long as you take good care of yourself, dont forget your medicine then things will be back as normal.

Offline Bartlett

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  • Posts: 77
Re: A Lonely Secret
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2020, 06:45:00 pm »
Welcome to the forum - although we all wish we didn't have to do this, we are grateful that we can offer you support.

I understand the loneliness, my spouse helps me deal with this but there are less than 5 people in my whole world that know and its only due to necessity since no one in my circles understands.

Rest in our group here and get to know those that are around more than others like me (a rare check in today and I saw this post.) We can support you at least somewhat emotionally.
DX 1/25/16
3/30/16 - CD4 368 20% VL: 48k
6/7/16 - RX for Genvoya
7/25/16 - VL: <20; CD4 461/17%
11/28/16 - VL: UD; CD4 357/19%
3/20/17 - VL: UD; CD4 489 / 22%
7/24/17 - VL: UD; CD4 449 / 23%
11/21/17 - VL:UD; CD4 523 / 22%
3/27/18 - VL: <20; CD4 580/21%
7/31/18 - VL: 90 ; CD4 552/23%
10/31/18 - VL: <20; CD4 502/29%
01/18/19 - VL: 30; CD4 518/34%
04/29/19 - VL: UD; CD4 707/27%
7/16/19 - VL: UD; CD4 497/27%
12/4/19 - VL: <20; CD4 527/29%
04/6/20 - VL: ???; CD4 668/27%

Offline harleymc

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  • Posts: 1,411
Re: A Lonely Secret
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2020, 08:50:24 pm »
Don't let your Internalized fear and stigma hold you back.

Get some counseling, to reinforce your inner strength.  All that fear about what other people might think is irrelevant to you taking charge of your own life and learning to love yourself and life again.


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