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Author Topic: The constant fear  (Read 1318 times)

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Offline Mojito

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The constant fear
« on: March 08, 2020, 12:33:56 pm »
I was diagnosed in May 2018. At that time my VL was 58000 and CD4 105 with no opportunistic infection. I was put on ART and antibiotics. In 3 months my CD4 crossed 250 and in 6 months it crossed 400. The doctor stopped the antibiotics and the only pill I take is for ART. As of December 2019, my VL are undetectable and CD4 635. I'm 40 male and doing great as far as my physical health is concerned.

However there is a constant fear that the HIV would one day raise it's ugly hood and bring me down. I try to keep myself busy with work, travel and workout but whenever I'm not doing anything or trying to sleep, the dark thoughts take over my mind. I feel living in constant fear would kill me before HIV does.

Offline Jim Allen

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Re: The constant fear
« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2020, 12:45:42 pm »
Hiya,

Sorry to hear that you keep having these ongoing thoughts/fears.

Question, what does your support network look like? Have you discussed this with your doctor? Do you talk to other people living with HIV (face to face)? Are your family supportive?
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Offline Mojito

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Re: The constant fear
« Reply #2 on: March 08, 2020, 01:23:32 pm »
Hi Jim,

No one knows about my diagnosis other than me and my doctor. My doctor is a general physician who just prescribe every month my pills. The interaction is hardly 10 mins with her. She just asked basic questions like if I had cough which last over 3 days, my weight and other basic parameters like Blood pressure.

Offline Jim Allen

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Re: The constant fear
« Reply #3 on: March 08, 2020, 01:59:58 pm »
Hiya,

Fear isn't always logically and can be hard to shake, logically speaking your HIV is well controlled and suppressed, so as long as, you keep taking your meds then there is no logical reason for this fear.

Our health does go further than just taking meds and lab results though and whatever these thoughts are, you shouldn't be facing them alone. Have you looked into connecting with other people living with HIV face to face? I find talking about these things helps, online helps, but I find face to face does make a difference.

Regarding the doctor, as you see them monthly make it a point on your next visit to talk about how you have been feeling and the dark thoughts. Prehaps writing down what to say might help you take the lead in the conversation.

That's just my thoughts, I am sure others will have ideas as well. Do hope you feel better soon and can move past this darkness. 

Best, Jim

P.S Question for you, is it correct you are taking Atripla? It's just dark thoughts and fears, no fatigue or feeling like you don't have energy?
« Last Edit: March 08, 2020, 02:07:42 pm by Jim Allen »
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Offline Mojito

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Re: The constant fear
« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2020, 12:49:00 am »
Thanks Jim. Yes talking online and especially this forum helps me a lot. In my country, it's still a big taboo and even people who are positive do not want to talk about it face to face, let alone those who aren't positive.

I was taking generic version of Atripla for initial 1 year. Then the doctor switched me on to the free medicine that is provided in my country by the government. It's component is very similar to Atripla but instead of emtricitabine, it has lamivudine.

I don't think the thoughts have anything to do with the medication. It's more like general worry about future.
« Last Edit: March 09, 2020, 12:55:07 am by Mojito »

Offline CR2016

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Re: The constant fear
« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2020, 12:28:25 pm »
Mojito, it is so important to keep a whole health condition, i mean about stress handling and how to leave out your fear; is not gonna be easy, i know what i say, maybe you should try to talk with another person (POZ or not) for better understanding. which country are you from?
please, feel free to write PM if this makes you feel better.
hugs!!

Offline Jim Allen

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Re: The constant fear
« Reply #6 on: March 09, 2020, 09:34:22 pm »
I don't think the thoughts have anything to do with the medication. It's more like general worry about future.

Fair enough,  I would still recommend making how you are feeling a point to discuss with you doctor on your next visit though and, prehaps giving another look into support groups.

Quote
It's more like general worry about future.

The future really is just as certain or uncertain as it always was or has been. Perhaps just the illusion of certainty or invulnerability to a degree has been broken?

Anyhow, let me know if you want to talk. Best, Jim

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Offline Mojito

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Re: The constant fear
« Reply #7 on: March 10, 2020, 06:29:19 am »
Thanks Jim & CR2016. Would try not to think much about it as it can't be changed.

Offline CaveyUK

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Re: The constant fear
« Reply #8 on: March 10, 2020, 01:34:57 pm »
Whenever such thoughts have crept into my head, I have found stepping back and looking at where this condition was 30,20,10 years ago was and where it is now. Whilst there is no certainty with anything, the simple fact is the more we know about HIV, the more effective the meds have become and should there be any future issue with the virus mutating or meds failing, we will already be ahead of the curve with ever improving treatments.

We are at the stage where current HIV medication effectively gives us a functional cure, where we can look forward to long and healthy lives, albeit with a pill to pop each day.

30 years ago that was just a dream

So I doubt that we will have a situation in future decades where suddenly this virus changes beyond anything we have seen and takes us all down. Far more likely the treatments will keep getting better and the condition will be less and less something to worry about.

Unless you are worried about a post-nuclear attack or zombie apocalypse in which case I suspect the lack of HIV treatment may be the least of our worries.... :)
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Offline JosephP

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Re: The constant fear
« Reply #9 on: March 11, 2020, 11:02:05 pm »
However there is a constant fear that the HIV would one day raise it's ugly hood and bring me down. I try to keep myself busy with work, travel and workout but whenever I'm not doing anything or trying to sleep, the dark thoughts take over my mind. I feel living in constant fear would kill me before HIV does.
Yes! It is the same feeling I had for several years! The feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop! Fortunately, with good medical care and information, and the support of everyone here, it has subsided for me and it will do the same for you! In addition, worrying about it (or whom gave it to you) is a waste of good resources and is immaterial. Neither you or I or anyone else (for now) can change it, so why worry?  :D :D
Today January 20, 2020, I have taken 2378 pills of my ARV since first pill. This means 79 bottles of 30 pills of ARVs at an average of $3950 per bottle or $313,103 USD for my treatment. I have a compliance of 99.83% taking my meds and only .17% (or 4 pills) non-compliant. Of these four pills two I forgot completely, One I lost and one I didn't have with me while traveling! I became UD 3 months after treatment start   ***We are all dealing with this. And we will live long and productive lives!! AND, yes the Lord is my shepherd. Life is good... And thanks for the meds! ***

Offline Grendal

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Re: The constant fear
« Reply #10 on: March 12, 2020, 11:14:28 am »
Mojito - so many that have been here for a long time started around age 40, lived with taking a pill, or a few pills once or twice a day, and still here living life 20 years later. Take the best care of yourself possible - go for walks, eat well etc. come here to check in too. In time the thought that the other shoe will drop will lessen.

Grendal

 


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