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Author Topic: Ghosted. Next steps?  (Read 1109 times)

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Offline CalvinC

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  • Posts: 179
Ghosted. Next steps?
« on: December 25, 2019, 10:46:39 pm »
Hey all

Recently (very recently) I was/am ghosted. Someone made his interest in me known at a Christmas part we were at, and then, since he had to go away for the holidays (and he is still away for another 10 days), we carried on a light conversation on FB -- until we weren't. I had posted a couple of questions about something innocuous, and then . . . nothing.

This hasn't happened to me before. Oh sure, I've been intersted in people (and vice-versa) and it became clear that things weren't going in any direction, and it stopped, with both of us knowing why etc.

And I get it. "It's not you, it's him." or "His loss." or "Maybe something came up." I've rehearsed all these. Is it the end of the world? No. Am I disappointed? Yes. Does this play into my insecurities, especially as a poz guy? Of course. (He doesn't know I'm poz, but that he suddenly might -- and how, I can't imagine -- occurred to me.)

It isn't the holiday season that has magnified my disappointment and sadness. I've been dealing with loneliness before this.

There's obviously nothing I can do. We are hardly acquaintances and so I'm not about to text him "Everything okay?" or something like that. I guess I'm just wondering if you've experienced this, and what happened.

And yeah, there are bigger issues I could be attending to. But this has really gotten under my skin.

Cal

Offline lightalltheway

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  • Posts: 142
Re: Ghosted. Next steps?
« Reply #1 on: December 26, 2019, 08:27:15 am »
Hello,

I am sorry that this is stressing you, and glad that you vented it out.

I will be very personal here and will share with you my own perception in life within the discourse of social circles with others.

It needs two to Tango. and you can never achieve a basic common ground alone in any sort of connection with any other person. If this connection is not healthy, not clearly directive and has some of ' mental games ', I would simply end it off.

Life is hard, and in our own journey's we need the company and the support from those who are ' already connected ' with us.

I hope you my lines will give you some light. Please always look at the bright side even at the darkest moments.

Prince

Offline em

  • Member
  • Posts: 655
Re: Ghosted. Next steps?
« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2019, 12:38:03 pm »
ghosting

when I received my HIV diagnosis.  I ghosted everyone I new thinking they would not want anything to do with me because I had HIV .  I stayed away from everyone and everything thinking my life was over and it was time to get ready to die . I ran into a friend who said you seem out of sorts whats is bothering you ?  I said I just found out I had HIV . they asked when is your birthday ? I said in a month. ON my birthday they called and said lets go out for dinner .  then I met other people who always seemed to ask what is bothering you ?  without thinking about it I said I just found out I had HIV .
I was completely shocked by the response that each person came up with . this was not a one time answer but many people I had met and known said . You know we could still have sex just with a condom . I thought OK then lets do just that then. NO argument from me . I was blown away that they did not just cut and run saying something like it was nice to have met you now go away and never speak to me again . instead the responses they said  gave me hope that my life was not over .  that was over thirty years ago .

sometimes peoples responses are not always what you might think they might be.


that is my life and I hope you find similar experiences in your life . 

all the best to you

em

Offline leatherman

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  • Posts: 7,790
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Ghosted. Next steps?
« Reply #3 on: December 26, 2019, 04:17:46 pm »
Someone made his interest in me known at a Christmas part we were at, and then, since he had to go away for the holidays (and he is still away for another 10 days), we carried on a light conversation on FB -- until we weren't.
. . .
Does this play into my insecurities, especially as a poz guy?
. . .
We are hardly acquaintances
ghosted? or you're just too anxious?

So what I read was that someone you hardly know had a light convo on fb with you for a while and then didn't respond . . . right in the middle of Christmas festivities. Looking from the outside and considering what the other person might be doing (of course, with a dose of optimism) might I suggest this person is busy with family and friends (traveling too no less) and chatting with a vague acquaintance might not be top on the list right now? Of course, on the bright side, doesn't mean that when things settle down you won't hear from him again, especially since he expressed an interest. ;)
leatherman (aka mIkIE)

Offline em

  • Member
  • Posts: 655
Re: Ghosted. Next steps?
« Reply #4 on: December 26, 2019, 08:05:29 pm »
leatherman is right and very observant, this might not be the end but just the beginning you might be posting here in a while how you have met the love of your life and may live happily ever after .    life is full of wondrous surprises .   wishing you good luck , all the best through this and for all your heart desires or I could just be someone who wants to see a happy ending for a perceived rocky start. that just might be the beginning of something wonderful

hopeful  good thoughts  your way for all the best

em


Offline CalvinC

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  • Posts: 179
Re: Ghosted. Next steps?
« Reply #5 on: December 26, 2019, 09:33:38 pm »
Thanks for the replies.

This guy plays for the same sports team I'm on, so yes, I will be seeing him again, and I find that a it distressing as well, since I'll have to put on a brave face in light of my presumptions about something that I misjudged to be happening. But we don't play on the same line and it's easy enough not to sit near him in the changeroom, so I can easily return to our earlier way of relating, which is to say that there wasn't one, beyond the occasional hello.

But yes, I realize that I've dug this hole. And so I've got to let this go, and that's what I'm now focusing on. Onward.

There's this Ann Landers column from the 70s that I cut out of the newspaper and try to live by. A female writer complains that she's gone on a date, everything went swimmingly, and he says "I'll call you" as he drops her off. She waits (this is the 70s, remember, no social media) and he never calls. She asks, Why can't guys just be more straightforward? Ann wisely responds, What else can a guy say after a date but "I had a great time, I'll call you"? She continues, Take that as a polite goodbye and if he does call you, then you have your answer; in the meantime, get on with your life.

This has saved me a lot of heartache. And so now I'll just admit that I misjudged the  situation and leave the ball in his court. Yeah, it hurts in a wistful way, but I know that to move on is the right thing.

Best of the new year....

cal

Offline harleymc

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  • Posts: 1,411
Re: Ghosted. Next steps?
« Reply #6 on: December 27, 2019, 05:22:12 am »
We have no no evidence as to why communication has slowed down or ceased.

The only thing to do is accept it has happened and get on with your li


It's more than a bit creepy to bring all this to a public forum..

Offline leatherman

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  • Posts: 7,790
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Ghosted. Next steps?
« Reply #7 on: December 27, 2019, 06:29:39 am »
I'll just admit that I misjudged the  situation
poor guy. he talks up someone whom he has some interest in, goes on vacation for the Christmas holidays, then will come back to find that guy acting weird and will wonder what he did and how he misjudged you. Sounds like you're assuming too much and trying to force something to happen on your timetable - when YOU have barely even started something. For goodness sake, you've chatted on FB a little bit and you barely know the guy irl. take a chill pill. go live your life. talk to a counselor. enjoy your own holidays. don't assume too much - and quit expecting so much from people who don't have to fulfill your timing and don't owe you an explanation.
leatherman (aka mIkIE)

Offline CalvinC

  • Member
  • Posts: 179
Re: Ghosted. Next steps?
« Reply #8 on: December 27, 2019, 10:55:07 am »
You are quite right; he owes me nothing. And yes, it's all in my own mind. And I suppose that's the problem: my own mind. It's been a tough year, and I guess I've been a bit more vulnerable than usual lately.

And guess what? He wrote. And you were right, of course. Busy with family. And so we chat a bit, and, later, what does he say? How difficult it has been without doing "private things" since there is so much family around.

Whom the gods wish to destroy they first drive mad.

Offline weasel

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  • Posts: 1,898
Re: Ghosted. Next steps?
« Reply #9 on: January 13, 2020, 07:58:17 am »


     Hi CalvinC ,

                       I hope all is going well , it is nice to see that you are in the

     game of life .   Gives me hope  :)

      In three days it will be a year my husband died, I will then consider dating .

                                                                         Be well , Carl 
" Live and let Live "

 


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