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Author Topic: Regarding Non Disclosure to Closed ones  (Read 1365 times)

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Offline Doctor with hiv

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Regarding Non Disclosure to Closed ones
« on: May 27, 2019, 12:38:33 pm »
Hey everyone
Hope everyone is doing fine...so here is the thing m doing fine ( both mentally and physically ) since 8 months of diagnosis cd4 700 Undetectable..but I hvnt disclosed my status to anyone. Except my sexual partners.! Like not even to my Family ..m 30 years old bisexual guy  travelling , dating  ..busy with work...my parents are in dere 70 ish age..I DNT want to put this diagnosis as a burden to them..coz I know even if I'll educate them as I am a medical student they will not understand esp my mother ...she will constantly worry about me...I know her v well..Just wanted to know if it's okay to not disclose ur status ..and are there anyone in this forum who hvnt disclosed there status to there family..
Thanks to all in this forum for all ur feedbacks..they really help me sometimes with my inner journey...

Online Jim Allen

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Re: Regarding Non Disclosure to Closed ones
« Reply #1 on: May 27, 2019, 12:59:41 pm »
Hiya

Quote
Just wanted to know if it's okay to not disclose ur status ..and are there anyone in this forum who hvnt disclosed there status to there family.

If you don't want to tell everyone about your own private medical condition of course that's fine it your business, most people simply have no need to know.  Plenty of people are living with manageable or lifelong conditions they don't make public.

Jim
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Offline MarkintheDark

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Re: Regarding Non Disclosure to Closed ones
« Reply #2 on: May 27, 2019, 01:30:47 pm »
It's certainly ok not to disclose.  It's your business and you're no longer a child, as much as perhaps our parents might like to see us that way.  You've evaluated the situation from a lot of angles, taken appropriate steps where necessary, but still come up with "no" when it comes to the folks.  As you've discovered, there's no one-size-fits-all.

At less than a year in, too, YOU'RE still coming to terms with your dx.  You've faced and are facing a lot of adjustments YOURSELF.  Let those sink in awhile. 

In a broader sense this is also a way of taking charge of your own care, as you said, mentally and physically.
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Offline Doctor with hiv

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Re: Regarding Non Disclosure to Closed ones
« Reply #3 on: May 28, 2019, 01:54:28 pm »
Thanks Jim and Mark
Ya I do agree that it's completely fine not to disclose..and I will disclose when I'll feel I need to..it's just am happy this way..and things are turning good for me..!So I DNT feel like disclosing and njoying life this way..🙂😄

Offline harleymc

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Re: Regarding Non Disclosure to Closed ones
« Reply #4 on: May 29, 2019, 10:59:24 pm »
It'sa parent's birthright to worry about their kids.

I found that being open with my mother, (my father had died when I was a kid), lead to a very close relationship between us, when it had been a strained relationship before that.

Of course all families are different and everybody has different communication and love styles.

Offline joemutt

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Re: Regarding Non Disclosure to Closed ones
« Reply #5 on: May 30, 2019, 10:16:38 am »
I disclosed in June 1997 over the phone to a few close friends in my home country, I had been diagnosed that week in Thailand and very isolated, needing the support.

I flew home July 1997 to get the meds (not available generally in Thailand yet, I had insurance overseas).

My sister forgot to pick me up at the airport in the early morning hours and I had to a taxi (150 dollar, 22 years ago!) and was almost late for my doctor's appointment; my mother asked me why I was upset, so I told her, I said it would be alright.
And a few days later I told my 5 siblings.
It was fine, not one negative reaction to my being positive.

10 days after that, medicine in hand, I flew back to Bangkok to continue my work, with CD4 220, VL 500,000. It was a struggle, healthwise. But I am still here.  :)

That's my experience, it must be different for everyone and I understand that.

« Last Edit: May 30, 2019, 10:35:14 am by joemutt »

Offline xasxas

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Re: Regarding Non Disclosure to Closed ones
« Reply #6 on: June 12, 2019, 12:40:55 pm »
I am like 7 years in and haven't told my family either and I think it's worked out for the best for everyone concerned.  My family's reaction sounds like the same one yours would have.

HIV is not the life-threatening condition it was decades ago.  However, most people don't know that until they do some research.

The only caveat is that it is good to have some people you can talk to about it.  That way nothing bad builds up mentally.

Offline em

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Re: Regarding Non Disclosure to Closed ones
« Reply #7 on: June 12, 2019, 01:29:07 pm »
I had told my brother years after I found out .  He said does your wife know ?  I looked at him and thought could you be that stupid but said YES she knows .  he had taken it upon himself to tell his best friend . 

while at a cook out at his home , the friend approached me and said " you are gay right or bisexual. I thought what the F .   he said it is OK. I had thought I should have said as flattered as I am I am not interested in hooking up with  you . when he said that is not what I meant . I would have said that why are you asking what I am or am not is not your concern. some private thoughts should remain such. that just seemed a bit personal . then he went on to try and discus HIV with me . I thought this is not happening .  I just sat there quietly trying to keep from screaming at my brother for being such a turd.   the best intentions maybe , but the road to hell /

I told people at a work place that I had HIV thirty years ago. the boss told me I should keep that to myself . and everyone else when asked about what is that guy's story said O he is gay. nothing like being pigeon holed into being something.  should be our own choice not forced onto us by others trying to think for us ?  reverse freedom of choice you are what we tell you . we think you are there for you are?

I just want to say I am   . that is all you need to know .

it is minefield on the road of life . disclosing but act up slogan silence equals death . that we should just go off someplace and die and let the rest of the world move on with out us should not be an option either .  extremes maybe but there it is .

sorry to throw this out there . just thought disclosing can cause some adverse side effects even for the best intentions

Offline CaveyUK

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Re: Regarding Non Disclosure to Closed ones
« Reply #8 on: June 12, 2019, 06:01:50 pm »
After diagnosis I strategised long and hard about when I would eventually tell my parents (only gf and best friend know), and I had it all worked out....I'd avoid telling my mum as she is super religious and I suspect she couldn't not tell her church (it was bad enough when my wife left, as I found that half the congregation were praying for me!), but my dad is pretty cool and a bit of a rascal in his day, so HIV was probably on his list of worries too at some point!

But you know what.....as time has gone by, I realise there is no rational reason to tell them. I'm managing the condition well, my lifespan shouldn't be terribly affected by it and it will only cause anxiety and awkwardness (from their side as much as mine). Unless it happens to come out unexpectedly or there is a real need for them to know urgently, I think I'll just keep it that way.

So my advice is - whatever you decide to do, don't rush it - give yourself a year or two to adjust and then see how you feel, as you may have a completely different outlook on things.
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Offline bocker3

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Re: Regarding Non Disclosure to Closed ones
« Reply #9 on: June 12, 2019, 08:38:17 pm »
Here's a different take:

I have told everyone in my family -- parents, daughter, uncles, as well as all my close friends and some folks at work too.  Did fairly soon after my diagnosis -- probably 6 months or so.
Why?  because I remember how keeping a secret (my being gay) for many years caused me to pull away.  Didn't want to "slip up" and spill the beans.  Also -- even though my mother is, like most mothers, "a worrier", I thought about how I would feel if my daughter kept a major health issue from me and realized, that my mother would worry about something no matter what.  Interestingly, she has been good as gold -- hasn't caused her worry that I can see (and she is NOT good at keeping her feelings to herself).  Also -- I wanted to control how people were told -- didn't want some other circumstance to come up, down the road, that forced the news out in a sudden way.
I haven't told my grandkids (I have 6 of them) -- not sure if my daughter has or not, but I am sure it wouldn't matter a bit.  I suspect it will come out in time.
All in all, I'm very glad that I don't have this secret from those I care about.

Now -- I am not sharing this because I think it is what anyone else should do -- I am simply giving a different experience.  We often let fear take over and cause us to assume the worst in others and I'm here to show that this isn't really how it has to go down.

My life is mine, your lives are yours -- do what you believe is best.  Just be open to changing your POV at some point.  "Never" is a very long time.....

Mike
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Offline daveR

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Re: Regarding Non Disclosure to Closed ones
« Reply #10 on: June 12, 2019, 09:34:25 pm »
I told my partner the same day as my initial diagnosis and so far, three years later that is it. Since the passing of both of my parents this past eighteen months I have considered telling my brother. I do not spend much time in the UK now a days but the thought of something happening to me pops up in my mind more often now so I feel more inclined to warn them of possible future problems, even though my health is currently good. This is more to do with aging for me. I wouldn't tell just anybody. Even my own son does not know and I will never tell him.
Each to their own on this subject, very personal topic.

Offline harleymc

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Re: Regarding Non Disclosure to Closed ones
« Reply #11 on: June 13, 2019, 11:25:23 pm »
I wonder how we will ever get informed discussion around HIV if we keep retreating to silos and not informing other people.

By keeping quiet we allow  ignorance to flourish and seroconverions to keep continuing

Offline fabio

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Re: Regarding Non Disclosure to Closed ones
« Reply #12 on: June 14, 2019, 11:34:12 am »
I told my parents the moment I had to do a test from having a mass on my colon,since I didn't have the emotional stability to make it out of it on my own. I also had to go through surgery,ask my parents to get my meds while I was unable to get up from the surgery. I did it mostly because I knew I couldn't go through it and because I'm not a person that can lie each day.
The good thing now is that they know,but most importantly they now understand that with the meds I'm a lot better than I was when I was diagnosed,so they don't worry anymore about me. My parents are in their 50s so I wasn't worried much about telling them.
I would suggest you only tell a sibling if you have one,your parents are quite old and,I agree,that would make them worry all the time.

Offline Doctor with hiv

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Re: Regarding Non Disclosure to Closed ones
« Reply #13 on: June 14, 2019, 12:19:16 pm »
@fabio
Ya my parents are in their 70s and they still treat me like a baby lol ( I guess every parent does) So I DNT feel like discosing to them..as I told I got diagnosed earlier and my cd4 are pretty fine..so I DNT feel like telling them anything! It will only cause so much tension in the house..M happy this way..also this diagnosis is mine and it's personal so I will disclose it when i feel like telling..
Ofcourse I can agree with many ppl over here if was diagnosed back then in 90s I wud also had decided to disclose as it was a different situation but now it is so much manageable it doesn't concerns me
Yes we all need someone to tell..that someone is my mental health counsellor with whom I discss all the things and to be v frank am doing fine..coz more concerned Abt the Netflix shows..the latest ice cream at the parlor and my gym membership which is goin to expire soon
I also feel there is no such stigma in disclosure it's just  my own diagnosis ..my personal choice and everyone is different... society is different.. culture is different...I do talk Abt u equals u on dating apps so I feel that way I am doing my part...☺️☺️

Offline fabio

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Re: Regarding Non Disclosure to Closed ones
« Reply #14 on: June 14, 2019, 03:30:38 pm »
That's true,everything is manageable now and life is good. I on the other hand I have to deal with the drunk teens at the hotel I work on graveyard shift haha,they also have paint parties and I have to chase them around to not make a mess in the rooms.....😑😑😑lol.

Offline newbie2016

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Re: Regarding Non Disclosure to Closed ones
« Reply #15 on: July 16, 2019, 07:05:36 am »

I am 100% agreeable with Blocker3's post and admire you for being open. How great to be able to be your true self,  something I miss!

 


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