Early Diagnosis Depression

[Lamek]

I don't want to intrude your post, I just wanted advise from you or anyone else who may have had a similar experience. I keep asking people who are poz but I do not get any response when I ask about this specific issue.

After being diagnosed about two months ago, my issue is that, since starting with the meds, it's as if I am losing my mind. I forgetting things...even whether I have showered today or not. My main concern is that I am required to use a lot of focus at work, but there is just no ability to concentrate. It's as if I am not there. Totally absent minded...like I am watching a movie while I'm drunk.

With all the frustration now that I am lagging behind with work. Consequently, I just want to commit suicide. I already bought a bunch of different  prescription medicines from pharmacies. But I really want to live  . For the past days my friends and family were constantly calling me to say hi and that they miss me. They do not know anything. I know they will be hurt when I suddenly go.
But I also feel like I shouldn't wait to get fired cos I cannot work, and just go home to my parents and wait to die.  I don't want to see them cry for the first time.

Please advise me guys. I will highly appreciate.

[Ptrk3]

Lamek:  I've split your post from the topic and subject area in which you originally posted and gave it a new subject title in order to address your concerns better.

It is not unusual to feel depressed in the early stages of diagnosis, so you are not alone.

Firstly, if you feel that you are in immediate danger of self harm, please contact the nearest hospital for advice or go into the nearest healthcare facility's emergency center.

If you are having or continue to have suicidal thoughts, contact your healthcare provider immediately.  Treatment exists, including treatment for depression and anxiety through medication and, also, cognitive therapy.

In terms of treating your HIV-infection, that is easy and, through adherence to your antiretroviral regimen, you will live a long and healthy life (presuming you are on a regimen, so, if you are not, you need to be on one).

Mental health is another issue, and poor mental health is much more of a threat to your health and well being than a virus that can now be easily and effectively treated.

Please do not hesitate to address your mental health issues immediately.

There are support groups and a healthcare provider ready to help you.

Please keep in touch with this forum for continued support as you work through your issues, but know that people here care about you and have been in the dark place you are now, but have moved to a better place and continue to thrive.

For more information, access this link:

https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=69487.0

[Jim Allen]

Hiya

Not much i can add other than to say as said before i'm sorry you're in so much pain and, prehaps not what you want to hear right now but the way you are feeling should be reported to your doctor as well. Its not uncommon to feel lost post diagnosis, i do know you seemed to be stressing about a lot of "what if's" instead of focusing on "what is" and a lot of guilt from your upbringing if you ask me.  That is something that can't be fixed overnight but with the right support you can start working on it.

As for HIV treatment you have only just started treatment and already switched in the last few weeks so give yourself time to settle in. If i am understanding you correctly post switch you still have the same issues so be open to the idea that its not your meds causing this!

Not sure if you answered this already but have you looked into any peer support groups in your area? Meeting people face to face has always helped me over the years.

Just know that you are not alone, we are here for you and to take it easy.

Jim

[Lamek]

Thank you so much guys. Doctor said I need rest and she put me on leave. I also did blood tests on several other things today. Will see how it goes.

My problem is that I'm pushing myself too much at work like nothing has happened, and trying to do so many tasks at once to "make up" for my diagnosis, because I'm scared to lose job. Big problem

[Ptrk3]

You're welcome.

Now, focus on getting better physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Do keep us informed of your progress:  your journey will help others.

[MarkintheDark]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with all this.  I won't attempt to minimize or be dismissive of any of it.  As the guys have said, self-care is the priority right now.  I'm glad your doc was able to intervene on your behalf.

I'm gonna tread carefully b/c it sounds like you've already been feeling overwhelmed.  Since I've been there, I'll put it this way:  when you feel up to it, perhaps consider a therapist who specializes in HIV as someone who can get you through the rough patches.  They might also be able to suggest a psychiatrist who can prescribe an antidepressant.  Like I said, I've been there.

In the meantime, a less strenuous assist I've found useful is an online forum I've used: https://www.depressionforums.org/forums/forum/12-depression-central/
They're HIV friendly, too.

Please keep us updated.

[harleymc]

I'm sorry you're feeling somewhat lost.

I think that The idea of taking a bit of leave sounds much more promising than either suicide or quitting and 'waiting to die'. We can't change being positive but we don't deserve to have a lesser life because of it.

I've lived 34 years with HIV. I've travelled, volunteered, gained a university degree, had some horrible depressive time, and recently got married.

I have gotten my mental health into a great space but it required recognising my issue, being open to receive help, actively pursuing that help and doing a lot of stuff for myself.

Professional help was definitely a help, and for initial things to do for myself  included, walking each day and doing some mindfulness and cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT).  There are phone apps that can help you with these, but ultimately you'll end up with your own personalised toolkit.

The mindfulness and CBT will also help you with your work focus.

Good luck and do know that it gets better, lots better.