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Author Topic: Over 2 years..... I should be ok now right?  (Read 448 times)

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Offline smash8811

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Over 2 years..... I should be ok now right?
« on: March 12, 2019, 05:25:28 am »
 So I've been a member of poz and was diagnosed 2 1/2 years now. I have been in a downward spiral every since. Why am I not ok with this. I hate medicine unless it's gonna get me high I want no part. I'm currently looking for a rehab for cocaine addiction. I sleep all day stay up all night lost my job my apartment. Have not been in a relationship I'm 3 years because as soon as I disclose to someone who's interested in me the give me this pity party and slowly (some faster than others) just get ghost. I am angry all the time. I cannot wrap my head around having to take medicine. So I just don't last time I went to the clinic my cd4 was 333 and vl was 10,000. I wish this shit would kill me faster. I would rather die than walk into the clinic so ive missed countless appointments. This is so scattered because that's just how my brain works I'm constantly jumping form one thought to another
 I know I've gotta deal with this I'm just so lost. Please somebody tell me wth to do....

Offline JimDublin

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Re: Over 2 years..... I should be ok now right?
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2019, 01:35:47 pm »
Hiya

I'm sorry to hear you're in so much pain, and to be blunt having what it sounds like a really fucking rough time coming to terms with having to take medication.

On that last part I could logically tell you a long story that millions of people for a wide variety of conditions take medication however, I doubt with what's going on that the longer version of that speech would be helpful right now.. 

Quote
I know I've gotta deal with this I'm just so lost.

Yeah, but deal with one thing at a time, as it sounds like you are having multiple crisises in your life at once, trying to make a start on the whole might be too much.

Quote
I'm currently looking for a rehab for cocaine addiction

Okay, so how far along are you with finding support for the rehab? Have you spoken to anyone face to face about this already or is it something you are just in the initial stage of considering rehab?

Jim

(Also moving you post to "Living with HIV" as more members will see it)
« Last Edit: March 12, 2019, 01:40:21 pm by JimDublin »
HIV 101 - Everything you need to know
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Transmission and Risks:
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Read more about Testing here:
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Read about PEP and PrEP here
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Offline kentfrat1783

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Re: Over 2 years..... I should be ok now right?
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2019, 09:08:39 pm »
Hi,

I'm not going to say I know what you are dealing with as you are searching to a rehab center.  If you haven't talked with someone yet I would start with your local health department.  It is better to talk to someone than to just say "I'll talk with someone". 

For me, in the past, I have been in AA (and really should still be) but I'm not there to deal with that again.  Now my primary care doctor and ID doctors have been encouraging me to see a therapist concerning my HIV diagnosis.  It finally took nearly 9 months to say yes and meet with one therapist at my ID doctor's office and felt good with it but couldn't justify the 5-hour drive just for that (yes an excuse).  I then took a few months and asked my local doctor to refer me to a therapist in torn and it has been a great experience.   

Being told you need to do something will make it not work, but it sounds like you are wanting the help so it will be a much better success. 

Dealing with so many issues is hard but you can do it.  Just make sure to get a good team together.  I finally got a great group of doctors that work together so that makes it all worth it. 

Wishing you all the best and keep us updated.
Kenneth
12/05/2108 - CD4 174 (18%) VL - <20
08/28/2018 - CD4 166 (15%) VL - <20
05/08/2018 - CD4 106 (11%) VL - <20
03/05/2018 - CD4   90 (10%) VL - <20
12/11/2017 - CD4   60 (  8%) VL - The hospital forgot to run
09/07/2017 - CD4   42 (  6%) VL  54        (1.70)
05/11/2017 - CD4     2 (  1%) VL 169,969 (5.23)
OI's: PCP
Dx`d May 11, 2017
Location: USA

Offline harleymc

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Re: Over 2 years..... I should be ok now right?
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2019, 12:23:53 am »
Smash, I hear your pain tho I'm not sure if its related to your HIV.

Whatever the cause of your unhappiness, you'll feel better if you get help and treatment for it.

it's still your right to refuse HIV treatment but you might as well do if from a place wher your feel happy with your life.

Please seek help and get with whatever program your mental health practitioners can get happening for you.  Inner peace doesn't get handed to us, we have to work for it.

hugs from downunder

Offline joemutt

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Re: Over 2 years..... I should be ok now right?
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2019, 12:41:59 am »
since you asked:

find your rehab
take your meds
go to meetings (NA or other)
build some structure
address the anger issues


Offline Mindless

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Re: Over 2 years..... I should be ok now right?
« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2019, 11:07:37 am »

it's still your right to refuse HIV treatment but you might as well do if from a place wher your feel happy with your life.


Hi Smash,

IMHO the above is one of the best pieces of advise here. Still all the suggestions here are precious. They come from people who have experienced real pain and know what they’re talking about.

M

Offline smash8811

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Re: Over 2 years..... I should be ok now right?
« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2019, 03:47:18 am »
Update: i just wanted to tell everyone first thank you for your advice and words they really do help. Especially when I'm neck deep in quicksand it helps to hear perspective from someone standing on the surface. After about 86 phone calls and 4 days I have found a rehab facility about 2 hours from me. I have to wait about 10 days for a spot to open and I must pass a drug test upon arrival. Which is like holding my breath for an HR. But I'll make it. Also I have met with my Dr at the ID clinic and been referred to a psychiatrist who is in the process of diagnosing me with manic depressive disorder. Which actually makes sense now that I think about it and explained alot of my mental ups and downs concern ing taking medication. Be it antivirals or antidepressants. I think I'm moving in the right direction. I hope to update again when I'm back home I'm 90 days and have even better news. Wish me luck on this crazy journey and thanks again.

Offline Mindless

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  • Posts: 110
Re: Over 2 years..... I should be ok now right?
« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2019, 09:51:38 am »
Hi Smash,

sounds like a great plan (hard but great). Finger crossed and hope to hear from you soon: by the way, you not allowed to go online while in rehab (I’m not familiar with rehab programs)?

M

Offline Ptrk3

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Re: Over 2 years..... I should be ok now right?
« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2019, 02:21:12 pm »
Congratulations on taking positive first steps:  very courageous of you!

I wish you the very best and look forward to reading your entries once you have achieved sobriety.

My thoughts will be with you over the coming months.
HIV 101 - Basics
HIV 101
You can read more about Transmission and Risks here:
HIV Transmission and Risks
You can read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
You can read more about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
HIV TasP
You can read more about HIV prevention here:
HIV prevention
You can read more about PEP and PrEP here
PEP and PrEP

Offline virgo313

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  • Posts: 156
Re: Over 2 years..... I should be ok now right?
« Reply #9 on: March 15, 2019, 03:54:53 pm »
Support from Malaysia.
RVD Nov 2015. VL --> Log 5.32 HAART on 23/11/15
TDF+FTC+EFV / Chemo KS - 25/11/15 - 20/01/16.
CD4 - 4 (3/11/15) / VL - 225,000   ~ CD4 - 65 (7/03/16) / VL - UD
CD4 - 153 (8/09/16) / VL - UD (20) / CD4% -6%   ~   CD4 - 215 (11/03/17) / VL - No Result / CD4% -8%
CD4 - No Result (10/04/17) / VL - UD (20)   ~   CD4 - 455 (11/05/18) / VL - UD / CD4% -14%
CD4 + CD4% (18/10/18) - Dr not going to  do this anymore / VL - To test only yearly. This Sucks..!

Offline JimDublin

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Re: Over 2 years..... I should be ok now right?
« Reply #10 on: March 16, 2019, 05:55:16 am »
Wishing you well during the times ahead.
Keep us posted when you can.

Best, Jim
HIV 101 - Everything you need to know
HIV 101
Transmission and Risks:
HIV Transmission and Risks
Read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
Read about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
HIV TasP
You can read about HIV prevention here:
HIV prevention
Read about PEP and PrEP here
PEP and PrEP

 


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