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Author Topic: poz friend who drinks too much  (Read 800 times)

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Offline CalvinC

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poz friend who drinks too much
« on: February 21, 2019, 08:39:34 pm »
Hi all.

My closest friend -- over 30 years; 56 y.o. -- who is poz, as I am, came by today. He had a few G&Ts, about three doubles. Toward the end he was getting slurry.

I've know for quite awhile that he drinks at home, information he has openly shared with me for a few years. I think this began with him about six or seven years ago. He has said that he has a couple every night, without fail. I haven't thought much of it. He doesn't go to bars or get fall-down drunk or really drink much at all -- except at home in the evenings. His life is otherwise responsible and stable. A genuinely lovely man.

I told him today that he was really putting them back. He said he buys a 750ml bottle about every five days, which means about 150ml / day, though he said it's likely more than that, and I think he's right. Today he had about 400ml. Always G&T, nothing else.

I'm concerned now. He sees a therapist and has not told him about this habit and doesn't plan to. His sister is an alcoholic who just got out of extensive rehab. (None of the rest of his family is.) I talked to him about the effect of all this on his liver and kidneys, given that he is on some very powerful hiv meds. He doesn't think that's a problem and that he's been checked out and his body is fine (and I have no doubt he's telling me the truth).

I'm not sure where to go with this, if anywhere. There is no way in heck he'll go to AA. I suggested (a few times, years ago) that he go to one of the many sex addiction 12 step programs, as he's deeply invested in anonymous sex (mostly washrooms). He said (repeatedly) "No, I just like sex." Today he said (unwittingly) "I like alcohol" and kinda of self-mockingly laughed.



Offline harleymc

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Re: poz friend who drinks too much
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2019, 09:41:27 pm »
Unless his life is unravelling, there's nothing to comment on

Offline bocker3

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Re: poz friend who drinks too much
« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2019, 06:46:17 am »
There is really nothing you can do if your friend does not see a problem with his drinking.  Nagging him about it isn't going to make him "see the light", but could cause him to pull back from you.

I say this as someone who has been sober since 1989 - if he has a drinking problem he has to see it and decide to do something about it.  This is true whether or not is life is unraveling.

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Offline J.R.E.

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Re: poz friend who drinks too much
« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2019, 11:19:26 am »

Your friend is going to have to charge on this. There is not much that you can do for him at this time until he realizes he may have a problem.

I will also be honest and tell you this,... I've had 5 friends, all alcoholics, and HIV positive,  that in the end did not survive. The booze, was more important than the HIV medications, and that's A recipe for disaster.

The friends that I had, were friends for at 25 years.  We all tried to help each of them, but nothing we could do could help them. most of them passed on in their mid to late 50's, with many alcohol related issues, along with HIV issues.

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Offline Jim Allen

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Re: poz friend who drinks too much
« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2019, 01:36:33 am »
Understand you are concerned about your friend, but i agree with Mike's post on this.
Not much you can do if the person does not acknowledge the issue themselves and, you can't force/change that.

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Offline MarkintheDark

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Re: poz friend who drinks too much
« Reply #5 on: February 23, 2019, 11:55:58 pm »
Hi Cal - When it's a friend of 30 years who's poz to boot, I understand this may feel like family.  It's painful to watch, as people have already mentioned, knowing you're powerless over it.

For your own sake, I'd strongly suggest Al-Anon (https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/).  I became involved years ago b/c of alcoholic family members, some in recovery, most not.  Try a few meetings and find those you like.  It's also quite possible you'll find groups where his/your serostatus is not an issue.  To wit, in many of my meetings in the 80s we had those who were poz or who had SOs who were.

Most importantly, you'll find people who are experiencing or have experienced the same concerns as you.  You'll find tools to help you cope.  tbh, it's not a quick fix.  I'd suggest giving yourself at least a month of how ever many meetings you're comfortable attending.
« Last Edit: February 23, 2019, 11:58:56 pm by MarkintheDark »
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