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Author Topic: Fear  (Read 984 times)

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Online TexasDragon

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  • Posts: 86
Fear
« on: February 11, 2019, 08:25:08 pm »
Ok, Iím doing fine - just want to start out with that.

But I canít help sometimes being scared - really scared! Logically I know my meds are working and Iím healthy - but Ďitsí there.

I still have some work to do on the psychology of being HIV positive.
Exposure 10-04-2018
Dx 11-08-2018
1st Appt 11-15-2018
11-15-2018 Blood Draw - CD4 468 11% VL 316,000
2nd Appt 12-04-2018 - Hep A and B Vaccines
Start of Biktarvy 12-14-2018
3rd Appt 01-15-2019 - All Good - 2nd Hep B Vaccine
01-16-2019 Blood Draw - CD4 934 28% VL 98
4th Appt 04-16-2019 - All Good - Final Hep B Vaccine
04-16-2019 Blood Draw - CD4 873 30% VL <20

Offline em

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  • Posts: 407
Re: Fear
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2019, 09:08:19 pm »
Fear

can not give you any advice on how to cope with fear. Fear has plagued me more than the actual virus.    I can give you a misery loves company response.

have been aware of my HIV for many years ? If you find a thought process that helps you with your fear please share it. I could use some information like that.

But there are moments when a breeze, sunlight on you or just something out of corner of my eye brings back a memory and the shear beauty of what most people do not even notice reminds at least for me it does just how wondrous living can be . virus and all the other pit falls not withstanding the thrill of just living is always around, just needing to be noticed .





   

Offline harleymc

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Re: Fear
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2019, 11:18:50 pm »
You're right, this is a psychological issue.  So it's about thoughts and the emotions that those thoughts create

It really won't hurt to see a counsellor to work through this stuff. We don't need to live in fear we deserve E better there's no shame in getting professional help for stuff we can't manage ourselves

Hugs

Offline MadDog125

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  • Posts: 63
  • Not today,
Re: Fear
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2019, 12:16:40 am »
Personally I've seen a counselor more for interpersonal issues than fear.  At the end of the day hard science and mountains of data eased my mind more than anything.

Only thing I can suggest is what worked for me.  Knowledge, the more information I took in the more my mind eased.  Medical matters are by nature uncertain and we don't have model numbers and service manuals.  That made me down right neurotic for the first few months.  The more studies I read, the more I learned of pharmacology, the better.  I accepted that the new drugs really have gotten beyond the old often severe side effects.  It isn't ever going to be good news being diagnosed.  For me at least every long term survivor I hear from, every story I hear of those who are no longer single makes me feel better.  I get scraped and cut at work all the time.  I used to be afraid I was a bio hazard.   I am still leary of sick people because my numbers aren't good.  Reality is much better than I thought I was in for.  Sure it isn't sunshine and butterflys but it's way better than it used to be and is only getting better.  I like to hope that I'll live to see a sterile cure.  Look that one up its a VERY happy thought.
DX 28DEC17, cd4 112, VC 63000
13FEB18, cd4 215, VC 156
14MAY18, cd4 260, VC 31
23AUG18, cd4 298, VC 61
03OCT18, cd4 300, VC 35
21NOV18, cd4 259, VC <20
18JAN19, cd4 284, VC 24
17APR19, cd4 157, VC <20

Online Jim Allen

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Re: Fear
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2019, 01:59:36 am »
Ok, Iím doing fine - just want to start out with that.

But I canít help sometimes being scared - really scared! Logically I know my meds are working and Iím healthy - but Ďitsí there.

I still have some work to do on the psychology of being HIV positive.

Fear is a powerful feeling.

What are you fearful about exactly?
HIV 101 - Everything you need to know
HIV 101
Transmission and Risks:
HIV Transmission and Risks
Read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
Read about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
HIV TasP
You can read about HIV prevention here:
HIV prevention
Read about PEP and PrEP here
PEP and PrEP

Online TexasDragon

  • Member
  • Posts: 86
Re: Fear
« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2019, 06:47:40 am »
Not knowing what to expect now that Iíve been diagnosed with HIV. I should know what to expect, right? I mean I have had three appointments and am on meds. It canít be that simple, can it? When is the next shoe going to drop?

Someone finding out I have HIV. I destroy all the records, dispose of empty pill bottles after removing the labels.

Not knowing how others will treat me if they find out I have HIV.

Itís not rational I know - but itís real.
Exposure 10-04-2018
Dx 11-08-2018
1st Appt 11-15-2018
11-15-2018 Blood Draw - CD4 468 11% VL 316,000
2nd Appt 12-04-2018 - Hep A and B Vaccines
Start of Biktarvy 12-14-2018
3rd Appt 01-15-2019 - All Good - 2nd Hep B Vaccine
01-16-2019 Blood Draw - CD4 934 28% VL 98
4th Appt 04-16-2019 - All Good - Final Hep B Vaccine
04-16-2019 Blood Draw - CD4 873 30% VL <20

Online Jim Allen

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Re: Fear
« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2019, 03:15:59 pm »
To be honest it sounds like you are still trying to get your head around the diagnosis and that can take time. No shame in that whatsoever. "What if I got hit by a bus tomorrow?" Could have happened before having HIV or after, no difference. 

Your HIV - Well its well treated, your UD, you don't need to tell the world, many people have manageable conditions nowadays HIV is just one of them.

Quote
Someone finding out I have HIV. I destroy all the records, dispose of empty pill bottles after removing the labels.

Last year as example I was at a company management off-sites meets and one evening the topic of drugs came up over dinner, between the 7 of us we took over 30 different pills for a number of conditions  ;D  Its like a fucking walking pharmacy  ;D

My point is that HIV is no different from many manageable conditions and if you don't want to share that info its fine, everyone seems to have some issue. Personally I am not ashamed I have HIV so it simply had nearly no control over me. So pop you pills on time and forget about it for the rest, live your life. Don't waste time wondering about something you can't change or that has not happened.

Sounds easy right? It should be the goal i suppose to think like that although I also know its not always that easy.  Here for you if you need to talk.

Jim
HIV 101 - Everything you need to know
HIV 101
Transmission and Risks:
HIV Transmission and Risks
Read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
Read about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
HIV TasP
You can read about HIV prevention here:
HIV prevention
Read about PEP and PrEP here
PEP and PrEP

Offline bocker3

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  • Posts: 4,220
  • You gotta enjoy life......
Re: Fear
« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2019, 06:40:39 am »

Itís not rational I know - but itís real.

Fear is rarely ever "rational".  You aren't feeling anything that, I would suspect, just about everyone on here has felt.  I know that I did early on.

Quite honestly, if I had not started counselling right after diagnosis, I'm not sure how I would have been able to cope with the fear and self-loathing. 

I can say that talking about it really helped and today, I rarely think about my HIV.  My life is pretty much the same now as it was pre-diagnosis, with the exception of a few more pills and a few more doctor appts (well, and some time spent on here -- though not as much as 10 years ago).

Fear is a normal part of adjusting to HIV -- but you have the power in you to start putting it in its place.  Talking about on here is a great start!!! 

Good luck -- it will get better!!

Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2015 969/28% <20

Offline Loa111

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  • Posts: 145
Re: Fear
« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2019, 01:39:41 pm »
I destroy all the records, dispose of empty pill bottles after removing the labels.

I do this too. Black marker my name off the empty pill containers, and black out the names of the meds. Tear up the boxes. Doc/hospital appointment letters get ripped up & flushed down the toilet.... There is nothing wrong with you or me doing this. We're just being careful not to leave any evidence for people to find out about our condition or any clues that point to it because right now privacy about our condition is very important to us.  :)

Online TexasDragon

  • Member
  • Posts: 86
Re: Fear
« Reply #9 on: February 13, 2019, 06:45:10 pm »
Thank you all so much - just to know that others feel the same makes me feel less, I donít know, isolated I suppose.

I do have some work to do - practice not perfection I think is the operative.

Hugs to you all ó Know I care!
Exposure 10-04-2018
Dx 11-08-2018
1st Appt 11-15-2018
11-15-2018 Blood Draw - CD4 468 11% VL 316,000
2nd Appt 12-04-2018 - Hep A and B Vaccines
Start of Biktarvy 12-14-2018
3rd Appt 01-15-2019 - All Good - 2nd Hep B Vaccine
01-16-2019 Blood Draw - CD4 934 28% VL 98
4th Appt 04-16-2019 - All Good - Final Hep B Vaccine
04-16-2019 Blood Draw - CD4 873 30% VL <20

Offline fabio

  • Member
  • Posts: 209
Re: Fear
« Reply #10 on: February 14, 2019, 03:57:08 am »
Unfortunately I get this fear too.
Even though I take my meds religiously,something in the back of my mind just worries me. I usually just shut it off completely,but when I'm down I think of it again and then it goes away.
If I say it out loud "I'm hiv positive" I still can't believe it,it feels like a bad dream,or just some movie or a video game I was playing. I slowly try to say it to myself sometimes like it doesn't have any significance.
There is also a time when I just want to ball my eyes out from crying,wishing I could just physically share my pain,but I fear I will make the people i care about worried. Especially my parents and brother,I want to show them that I am strong through this and in control...
« Last Edit: February 14, 2019, 03:59:44 am by fabio »

Offline Loa111

  • Member
  • Posts: 145
Re: Fear
« Reply #11 on: February 14, 2019, 07:02:00 am »
We'll have good n bad days, especially those of us who are on the newer DX side of things. It's only 9 months for me. Most days are good, though even this week, I've been a slightly out of kilter a bit over having this condition, bit pissed off feeling. Probably a few other niggles of life  n work annoying me too, leading me to think about it too much. Anyway, I know it will pass in a day or so. Up and down up and down, that's life isn't it? As long as the Ups are more than the downs, then we'll all be ok!  :)

Online Jim Allen

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Re: Fear
« Reply #12 on: February 14, 2019, 07:25:21 am »
Yeah, I agree that up's and downs are pretty normal part of life.

Its just making sure to know when its not just ups & downs and to reach out for support. Particularly being new to this its really important be flagging issues sooner and seeking support early. Like Mike's shared about the counselling.

Also long term you don't end up living in fear, would be a shame to have a perfectly manageable condition, and waste the time being stressed.  ;)

Jim
HIV 101 - Everything you need to know
HIV 101
Transmission and Risks:
HIV Transmission and Risks
Read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
Read about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
HIV TasP
You can read about HIV prevention here:
HIV prevention
Read about PEP and PrEP here
PEP and PrEP

Offline CaveyUK

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  • Member
  • Posts: 1,621
Re: Fear
« Reply #13 on: February 16, 2019, 11:34:14 am »
I think, especially in the first year following diagnosis, HIV is naturally uppermost in your thoughts, and all the what-if's come to the fore. The longer time passes however, then many can relegate HIV to it's proper place - as a manageable condition that can be relatively easily taken care of, allowing other things in life to get more of the spotlight.

It's a process, that just needs time to resolve itself in most cases IMO.
HIV - Basics
HIV 101
You can read more about Transmission and Risks here:
HIV Transmission and Risks
You can read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
You can read more about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
HIV TasP
You can read more about HIV prevention here:
HIV prevention
You can read more about PEP and PrEP here:
PEP and PrEP

Offline Acesra

  • Member
  • Posts: 14
Re: Fear
« Reply #14 on: March 04, 2019, 04:13:12 pm »
I'm in the same boat. I'm afraid too, of what exactly I'm not sure. But precisely like that you said: when will the next major illness come? how will I cope with it alone? will I ever find a partner? what happens if others find out? will I lose my physical and mental abilities? etc.

This has been more than 8 months, but it's still very hard for me. Meds work well, and I'm UD. But the fear and stigma on myself are unbearable.

Offline Dfwguy

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  • Posts: 24
Re: Fear
« Reply #15 on: March 06, 2019, 04:38:38 pm »
Fyi, my husband and I are both poz for 35, yes- 35 years and we are doing very well. We are looking forward to our retirement years .  Think of hiv as you would any other chronic but manageable disease , such as diabetes.   Controllable/ treatable with meds.   Get your head in a good place, eat healthy ( I ate fast food crap for years and it really is trash fuel) for your body, and get some sort of exercise - all 3 will make you live long and prosper.
HIV dx .  08/1985

 


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