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Author Topic: When to tell.  (Read 1733 times)

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Offline JimZab

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When to tell.
« on: January 19, 2019, 09:04:45 pm »
I was diagnosed on the last day of the year. It came a ridiculous surprise. I spent the whole holidays wearing a mask. It's been unbearable. But i made it, thought family. Still nobody knows.
I started meds, the 9th of Jan, so it's been over ten days. Nearly two weeks alone, in my head. It's been hard, so hard.
Newyears all over, I am back to work and would meet with some of my previous online matches.. I was invited this evening to date on a club. I keep thinking to myself when should I tell this person. Before, or after we ( maybe kiss/ make out ). What if it's on the dance floor. Am I suppose to scream into their ear, that I am HIV positive ?
Please someone, give me perspective.
Much appreciated.
Jim.

I already know eitherway I probably will be rejected..
:(
 

Online Jim Allen

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Re: When to tell.
« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2019, 09:48:44 pm »
Hiya,

Sorry to hear about the diagnosis.

Quote
I started meds, the 9th of Jan, so it's been over ten days. Nearly two weeks alone, in my head. It's been hard, so hard.

Being newly diagnosed can be a fairly big shock and a lot to digest, and it can take time for this feeling to settle, its going to be fine though and with a bit of time you should get your head around it.

Gad to hear you have started treatment though and started the journey to suppressing the virus. What was your initial viral load ?

Quote
I keep thinking to myself when should I tell this person. Before, or after we ( maybe kiss/ make out ). What if it's on the dance floor. Am I suppose to scream into their ear, that I am HIV positive ?

Personally I tell as early on as possible so its simply not an issue and I know where the other person stands, saves wasting time. Now someone I had not told gave me a kiss on the dance floor, it would not be anything I would be concerned about, I would just mention it before things go any further. That's just me of course. 
 
There are plenty of threads on the topic of disclosure that might help you as well.
Examples:

https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=70676.msg

https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=69238.msg

There is also a basic POZ Lesson on the subject that might have some tips etc.
https://www.poz.com/basics/hiv-basics/disclosure

Quote
I already know eitherway I probably will be rejected..
Quote
Am I suppose to scream into their ear, that I am HIV positive ?

Dating and rejection is always a possible outcome, HIV does not change that. Personally HIV has never been a real issue/barrier when I've been dating, prehaps as I don't see it as an issue. Sure someone might say; "No, Thank you", up to them and fine, move onto the next.

Screaming in her ear unexpectedly about HIV post/over a kiss, well that delivery is setting yourself up for fairly sure for a fail. Your date might be left with the impression that you are a total headcase.  ;)

Take it easy, try not to overthink this or put yourself down ahead of the date.

Jim

« Last Edit: January 19, 2019, 10:01:12 pm by JimDublin »
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Transmission and Risks:
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Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: When to tell.
« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2019, 12:22:14 pm »
Hello. Sorry that you will have to deal with this.  It takes most people quite awhile to get back into full groove and normal feeling.

Why were you wearing a mask?

What are your numbers?

Did you start treatment?

How do you feel about your doctor?

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline JimZab

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Re: When to tell.
« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2019, 11:00:53 am »
Thanks for the feedback. I feel isolated because i have absolutely not a soul i can share this with. And thats not in my character. That's why I feel I am wearing a mask. As if the days of a smiley me are over.
my viral numbers are high, which is apparently normal but the helper cells are in the norm, so was told to be positive. I really hope that the meds do work. My doctor seems optimistic that the med ( biktarvy ) will work. It's been twelve days and no side effects..
i am not much of an optimist but wanted to get a sense of how long before i can get any close to being "undetectable".
Again thats for all the support.
J

Online Loa111

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Re: When to tell.
« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2019, 11:42:27 am »
Sorry to hear about your Dx.

Usually it takes a few months to get Undetectable. Some people are quicker than others. Took me approx 2 months.

I'm similar in that I like to talk my things to people, but this problem I cannot, so I am most grateful to come to his forum where I can post, or even just reading it helps me. I felt a bit isolated & down too several months back, but that passed and I'm feel good about it. Good news is it will pass for you too, and in time you will feel better. The support on this forum has really help me, so visit often and use it.

The meds will work good for you. You will be UD soon enough, which will help you feel happier.








Offline JimZab

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Re: When to tell.
« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2019, 10:30:05 pm »
Thank you to all. I feel terrible and sorta " head sick " meaning, very depressed by the news. I just want to feel alive. again.
Back to what I was initially asking, "when to tell" - in most of you're opinion, when should i tell someone. The answer is - when you get intimate - but is that always after / before a first kiss ?
Would like to hear more experiences..
Thank you.
Jim

Online Jim Allen

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Re: When to tell.
« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2019, 04:07:46 am »
Quote
The answer is - when you get intimate - but is that always after / before a first kiss ?

Depends, I always say it before even going on a date so it's not an issue, although I've been unexpected kissed in bars before and asked if I want to go back to their place etc and so had the conversation at that point.

There is no template for this. What works for me or anyone else may not work for you and you will find what works best for you through trial & error


Quote
I feel terrible and sorta " head sick " meaning, very depressed by the news. I just want to feel alive. again.

My own point of view is it's early days and you are still getting your head arround it, 6 months from now more than likely you will not even think about it until you take your meds and within no time at all you will not even think about it when taking your meds, and you will start living your life as relatively normal.

Now although I said all the above on the other side I don't want to be over simplifying things as some people have a really rough time coping with the dignoisis and there is nothing wrong with feeling different or needing support.

Question have you let your doctor know how you are feeling? Have you been linked into and support services or in my opinion better yet face to face peer support groups?
Quote
my viral numbers are high

Compared to a HIV Negative person, sure. Compared to VL count of serveral millions?

 ;) Anyway all you can do is take your meds correctly and consistently, let them do the work. It can take 2 weeks or 6+ months before reaching UD.

Jim
« Last Edit: January 22, 2019, 04:10:13 am by JimDublin »
HIV 101 - Everything you need to know
HIV 101
Transmission and Risks:
HIV Transmission and Risks
Read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
Read about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
HIV TasP
You can read about HIV prevention here:
HIV prevention
Read about PEP and PrEP here
PEP and PrEP

Offline JimZab

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Re: When to tell.
« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2019, 06:04:09 pm »
First off, I would to thank all who have replied to me in this forum. As mentioned, I came to Houston for a family holidays and reunion and decided to get tested the night before New Years.. It's been so hard, and I still have not told anyone. Yes, no one knows what's wrong with my good old self. I've been so depressed, and drinking alot.
I still hope this doesn't affect the medication, I began. I been postponing getting back to work ( I work freelance ) for tomorrow's doctor's appointment. I wont get any bloods done as it hasn't been a full month, which makes me even more nervous because I will have to do the tests from Europe and hope they are done in a similar fashion. It's all just medical jargon for me.
I appreciate those who answered my "when to tell" but would like to follow up with the question, " who to tell " ? I honestly can't see support with anyone in my life who wont be judgemental and look at me with that, " I am sorry but I am glad it isn't me " look.
It's just so hard.
Again, I will have to start this whole process again in Europe - so that I can get meds ( I am european aswell ) and I fear it will be traumatizing to have to go through this all over again.
I hope the meds work on me and despite my depression, crappy mood and excessive drinking every night, wont compromise my chances of someday being UD..
Jim

Offline TexasDragon

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  • Posts: 86
Re: When to tell.
« Reply #8 on: January 25, 2019, 10:07:11 pm »
JimZab -

I think just as equally important as ‘when to tell’ or ‘who to tell’ is ‘why to tell.’ If you’re not planning on being that person’s lover or they can’t (or won’t!) support you in your journey, the ‘when’ and the ‘who’ are irrelevant.

Just my two cents worth!

P.S. I’m ‘new’ to this also...
Exposure 10-04-2018
Dx 11-08-2018
1st Appt 11-15-2018
11-15-2018 Blood Draw - CD4 468 11% VL 316,000
2nd Appt 12-04-2018 - Hep A and B Vaccines
Start of Biktarvy 12-14-2018
3rd Appt 01-15-2019 - All Good - 2nd Hep B Vaccine
01-16-2019 Blood Draw - CD4 934 28% VL 98
4th Appt 04-16-2019 - All Good - Final Hep B Vaccine
04-16-2019 Blood Draw - CD4 873 30% VL <20

Offline Dfwguy

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Re: When to tell.
« Reply #9 on: January 31, 2019, 12:19:39 pm »
I believe their are positive dating sites. You might want to check into that. Hugs to you
HIV dx .  08/1985

Online Jim Allen

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Re: When to tell.
« Reply #10 on: February 12, 2019, 02:51:28 pm »
@ JimZab

Just wanted to check in how you are getting on?

Jim
HIV 101 - Everything you need to know
HIV 101
Transmission and Risks:
HIV Transmission and Risks
Read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
Read about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
HIV TasP
You can read about HIV prevention here:
HIV prevention
Read about PEP and PrEP here
PEP and PrEP

 


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