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Author Topic: I recently found out I'm positive  (Read 1818 times)

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Offline Gliefde

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I recently found out I'm positive
« on: October 05, 2018, 05:21:19 pm »
Hi guys. I'm glad I found this forum as it is the closest thing to being in a support group as they aren't a big thing here. I live in Nigeria

So three Saturdays ago I decided to go get tested after months and months of postponing. I walk into this lab center and tell the receptionist that I want to test for HIV. She looks at me strangely and ask that I repeat myself. I reiterated loudly that I wanted to get tested. It must have been a novelty for her to see a young dude come and request for a HIV test. It is a small private laboratory centre so I guess they don't get that much people coming for such test. So she gives me this form to fill in my name and info and I fill in the wrong information. I didn't want my real identity tied to a result that I thought may turn out positive. After filling the form I was then asked to go meet the lab scientists so that he could collect my blood sample.

The lab scientist seemed like a nice guy. He noticed that I was getting nervous and assured me that it was going to be fine. I mumbled an " amen" under my breath. Once he was done taking the sample, I was told to go wait for the result in the reception which would take 10 minutes to be out. It felt like the longest wait of my life.

After a few minutes, the lab scientist comes out, I try to read his demeanour but he was one bad ass at pretending everything was fine. He gives the receptionist a paper to type something into the computer, at that moment I figured it was my result. My heart started racing. The receptionist prints it out and hands it to him, he disappears with it into where I don't know.

Few minutes later the doctor comes out and calls out my fake name, I answer, he then asks me to follow him into his office. We get into his office. He is holding a file, he tells me it is my test result but that he wanted to ask me a few questions before handing it to me. He asks me what I know about the virus and blah blah blah... I just wanted to see the result and not answer to some questions that felt like a postgraduate exam. After all the questions and mini counselling, he finally hands me the result and in a sad voice says "I'm sorry but you tested positive". My heart stopped! I froze! Time also stopped! My life was over! He tries to cheer me up but it only made the situation worse. I congratulated myself for taking it like a man and not turning myself into a slobbering mess before the doctor by crying and rolling on the floor. Honestly, that was how I thought/expected I would react - crying and rolling on the floor. I left the doctor's office with a straight face,  on my way out of the building, the receptionist asked if I was okay, I replied like I wasn't hurting but in my mind I was like " b*tch you know I am not okay! "

When I got home, I lay on my bed thinking about what had happened. I look at my result again then suddenly I burst into tears. I was wrong, I couldn't take this one like a man - It was just too much for me! I felt shattered. I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered if I will ever forgive myself. I became my own worst enemy. The hatred I had for me deepened. I just wanted to harm myself.

I brought this on myself. I should have been more careful I thought. What made the situation even worse is the fact that I had just landed a job in Qatar but won't be taking it up because of my status.

This year has been a rollercoaster of depressions for me. I manage to get out of one depression only to find myself in another one. I have been battling depression for nearly two years now. Finding out about my status was the final straw that broke the camels back for me. I attempted suicide but I was rescued by my cousin. I have become tired of living. I hate myself now and I have lost interest in everything I used to take interest in. I hate having to wake up everyday feeling hopelessness, confusion and empty and hatred for myself. I still like humans, I want the best for every human out there and I wont like to see anything bad happen to anyone. But as for this human here (me) - I don't give two sh*ts about him. I'm just tired of life. I feel like a Zombie - a walking dead.  I have never felt so low and depressed in my life. I cry almost everyday especially when I am alone. I do meditate and listen to good music to lift my spirit up but I go back to square one when I am not engaging in either of those activities. I can't meditate and listen to good music forever. I don't know if I will ever be okay. I don't know what my CD4 count is yet. I'm still trying to decide if I should never find out and let the virus finish up its job or get on the treatment to see how much longer I can stick around on earth.

I haven't told anyone about my status. The discrimination and stigma that comes with living with HIV is alive and well here in Nigeria. So I will have to keep this one to myself. 

Yes, I'm Nigerian and I'm not a scammer. We aren't all scammers. There are still lots of good people living among the bad eggs on this earth. Peace out. <3
« Last Edit: October 05, 2018, 05:27:11 pm by Gliefde »

Online Jim Allen

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Re: I recently found out I'm positive
« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2018, 06:10:37 pm »
Hi

Read your post twice.

Really sorry to hear about your pain and how you are feeling. Having a reactive HIV test result can truly be a lot to digest and it sounds like you were having a rough time already.

I have to however point out that a reactive initial antibodies test (particularly a rapid test) is not a diagnosis and needs confirmation testing.

Quote
I don't know what my CD4 count is yet. I'm still trying to decide if I should never find out and let the virus finish up its job or get on the treatment to see how much longer I can stick around on earth.

You know I can only stress at this point that you do, do the follow-up testing and find out your results etc so you know for a fact where you stand before presuming your diagnosis and take the time whilst waiting for results to digest the idea and to learn & understand the condition and your possible treatment options so that if the final results confirm your HIV status you have some additional knowledge.

Take it easy

Jim

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