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Author Topic: I`m at a loss...  (Read 2735 times)

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Offline Wildpony

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  • Posts: 14
I`m at a loss...
« on: December 15, 2006, 02:03:00 AM »
A weird thing... I got to know about my HIV status almost 7 years ago. I have forgiven the man infected me but I still hate him with all my heart and at the same time I hate abd blame myself. How could I be so silly and trustfull???? I feel strong and self-assured but when by chance I meet him or hear about him I feel helpless, week, silly as if I`m there in 2000 and i`m waiting for my test results. Guys, I was 19 then, a silly child who had no idea what to do and how to live with such diagnosis. I`ve got it over. I know that two people are responsible for the sex, yeah, I`m aware of this fact, but it doesn`t work, I hate him and blame myself. It happens from time to time. Ihave hoped that this wound healed but today I`ve realised that I`m mistaken again. Perhaps, this topic was discussed but I want to know about what do you feel about the people infected you? Do you have the same thoughts or am I going crazy?
« Last Edit: December 15, 2006, 02:04:33 AM by Wildpony »

Offline Oceanbeach

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  • Posts: 3,565
Re: I`m at a loss...
« Reply #1 on: December 15, 2006, 02:26:04 AM »
I was infected "Pearl Harbor" style.  While I was sleeping, someone whom I had been having sex with started and I had no reason to believe there was no latex on that thing.  That was 12 years ago.  When I am in Palos Verde Estates, I leave a rose on his grave.  I guess it gets better with time.  Have the best day

Offline Eldon

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Re: I`m at a loss...
« Reply #2 on: December 15, 2006, 02:47:47 AM »
Hello Wildpony...

This indeed is a difficult matter or acceptance. At that time there were a number of different scenarios that were in play. I could go into detail but I will not do so. True enough, this does create an inner anxiety which raises your level of anger that it has happened to you.

By you hanging on to these emotions, it is not doing you any good. Becoming angry at the situation is not going to change what has happened. It does take time for the wounds to heal emotionally within you. The first step in the healing process is to accept the situation. Once you have accepted what has happened, you then can move on to heal these inner emotions inside of you.

Let it go, it does more damage to your inner being if you continue to hold on to the past of what was a mistake or accident that cannot be changed.


By you staying angry at the person who infected you, are you hoping to make them feel bad, are you really affecting their mood?

Or are you just prolonging your own bad feelings and unhappiness?

Don't beat yourself up about this. This is an uncontrollable happening. Accept this and move on with your life.

The main thing that matters is that YOU take care of YOU.

Offline joemutt

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Re: I`m at a loss...
« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2006, 05:07:20 AM »
I got infected by consent, I really knew what I did was not caring enough for myself,
I have no doubt who it was, strangely enough I was very vigilant with other guys, always safe (according to its definition then at least)
but he was a sweet, beautiful nice man, he didnt have acces to meds I suppose (Asia 1995)
when I went to see him after his phone didnt answer I learned from the concierge he was dead.
His friends told me he had gone real quick but most of the guys who had seen me with him didn't even speak with me anymore.
Then I felt real lonely and I thought ''I'd better prepare myself for something bad in the future"
I would be very glad if he still were alive today, I wouldn't keep him responsible at all, just my 0.2 USD.

Offline carousel

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Re: I`m at a loss...
« Reply #4 on: December 15, 2006, 05:18:19 AM »
« Last Edit: February 15, 2007, 10:47:56 AM by carousel »

Offline IzPoz

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  • Posts: 332
  • God, grant me the serenity...
Re: I`m at a loss...
« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2006, 06:38:34 AM »
It was my husband who infected me.  Though, he didn't know he had it, I'm not even sure he had an inkling that he might have had it.  He was married previously, (which she turned out negative) I had no reason to believe he was positive.  We think he was infected the whole time he was married to her.  (He'd had shingles during their marriage).

But as Carousel said, it does no good to hold anger towards the person who infected you.  You can't change the past.  All you can do is move forward and do the best you can for yourself.
The reason angels can fly is that they take themselves so lightly. ~ Chesterton G. K.

Offline Wildpony

  • Member
  • Posts: 14
Re: I`m at a loss...
« Reply #6 on: December 15, 2006, 07:35:26 AM »
Guys, your oppinions are very important for me. I`ve found some bright ideas, but what should I do with my feelings that sometimes arise? To keep anger is not a good idea, I know it but I can do nothing. Maybe the fact I`m writing here will help me. I haven`t talked about it for a long time.

Offline suzieque

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  • Posts: 61
Re: I`m at a loss...
« Reply #7 on: December 15, 2006, 08:09:26 AM »

      I contracted HIV 13 years ago. I had a boyfriend who had been an IV drug user some years before. I was concerned about this and asked him if he had tested for HIV.I explained how important it was, not just for me, but I had a young child too.  He told me yes, he had tested three times, once recently and was negative. He lied. A short while later I found out that he was still using drugs ( not IV) and this uncovered many lies. I made him go for the test, went with him to get the results (did not trust him at this point to tell the truth), he was positive. I went in immediately and was tested, I was positive too. It took me 10 years to get angry, I always thought that somehow I should have known. For me the anger, when it came, was part of my healing process. I am a great believer in getting whatever support we may need whenever we need it, and seeing a therapist or councellor at different times has been invaluable for me. Perhaps this is something you might consider. It is just great to have someone to talk things out with sometimes!! I do get a twinge when someone talks to me about him, and I do agree with what others have said about forgiveness freeing you, at the same time we feel what we feel and it can be a process to unravel these feelings. Have faith that you will get there!! Just to add, I am now married to a wonderful man (he is negative) and about to start a training in something I have always loved. Even with these challenges life does go on, and can be fulfilling and wonderful!!

            Wishing all the best!!! :)

Offline David_CA

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  • Posts: 3,246
  • Joined: March 2006
Re: I`m at a loss...
« Reply #8 on: December 15, 2006, 08:42:37 AM »
I'm curious as to how you can "...have forgiven the man infected me but I still hate him with all my heart..."  That's not forgiveness by any means.  Until you can let go of the anger, this WILL continue to bother you.  It almost sounds like you've not reached the point of true acceptance.  I thought I had, but I was wrong.  I was in quasi-denial; I knew I was poz but it really didn't effect me; it was just something I could talk about, etc.  This changed a few weeks ago when I had severe PCP, ended up in the hospital for a week on IV's and O2.  At this point, I realized that I really am HIV+.  The acceptance came easy then, as did disclosure to my family, which is something I've been wrestling with since March when I first found out.  You know, it's unfortunate that I got that sick, but a lot of good has come from it, so I'm ok with it.  You just need to reach the point where you're ok with it.

I don't know for sure who infected me.  I was negligent, so I generally say I'm not sure when I allowed myself to become infected.  I am responsible for my health.  If I did know, unless it was an intentional infection, I honestly don't think I'd be all that upset by it.  After all, I'm responsible.   Take care.

Black Friday 03-03-2006
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  Atripla started 12-01-2006
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05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
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02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
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Offline DanielMark

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  • Posts: 1,475
Re: I`m at a loss...
« Reply #9 on: December 15, 2006, 08:46:15 AM »

Hope you don't mind me saying so, but it seems to me that maybe you are using this to punish yourself. Not forgiving HIM isn't going to change a thing, and not forgiving YOU is only going to eat you alive eventually.

I would suggest that yes, keep on venting and letting out the pressure of your anger, through writing and talking, or whatever works for you.

In time I hope you can reach a stage where you are just fed up enough to leave this behind and move out and up from it.




Offline Wildpony

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  • Posts: 14
Re: I`m at a loss...
« Reply #10 on: December 17, 2006, 06:17:37 AM »
Thanks everybody! Yout answers are very important for me. 8) 8)


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