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Author Topic: The Wanting, Still.  (Read 4205 times)

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Offline thunter34

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  • Posts: 7,361
  • His name is Carl.
The Wanting, Still.
« on: December 09, 2006, 04:51:41 AM »
The Before:   The following is not necessarily a happy read.  I have a swelling inside, a sadness that I can't really name or define.  There is an infection in my spirit that I have carried for most all of my memory of life.  What I am experiencing right now might have a component of garden variety depression, but I think it extends beyond that.  It is a result of the viruses that have harbored in my soul, an emotional opportunistic infection.  What follows is my attempt at lancing, letting them flow out and hoping I get some relief for myself and a step toward healing.  While it is always welcomed, I don't expect anyone to reply to (or even read all the way through) what I write down below.  I'm honestly writing this mostly for myself alone just because I have to.


The Wanting, Still

I want to be fearless.

I want to add more often than I subtract.

I want to give more than I take away, yet…

I want to finally learn to leave enough for myself.

I want to learn to read music, to play an instrument.  Many of them.

I want to participate more fully in life.

I want to figure out why I won’t allow myself to do so.

I want to eradicate this virus from my body.

I want to eradicate these viruses of guilt, anger and regret from my soul.

I want to understand the truth of God

I want God to reveal itself.

I want to revise that statement because I feel, I sense, I suspect…almost daring to say I know that God is being revealed in all directions, completely exposed before us.

I want our senses to be awakened further to what is being shown. 

I want that for everyone, but I selfishly want it for myself most of all.

I want to know if the Heaven I was taught to believe in exists.

I want to say that I believe in God, and believe that God loves me…exactly as I am.

I want to believe myself when saying so, completely freed from the voice of  doubt that lingers, that murmurs still, an echo in the canyons of my mind from the many times I heard it shouted that it was not so.

I want to love…deeply, fearlessly, completely.

I want to share that emotion with as many people as I can, or at least just one.

I want as many people as possible to feel that emotion for me, or at least just one.

I want the ones I care for within the reach of my arms, not just my fingers.

I want to be able to reach back in time and fiercely take hold of the child I was.

I want to tell him that the adult I am knows he should not have had to feel so afraid or alone, he was too small to face anything so big and it simply wasn’t fair.

I want to tell the kid I was that the fear he is experiencing, the sadness he feels, will all be gone when he is grown, and mean it.

I want to know why sorrow takes hold of me sometimes, formless yet profound, suddenly and without warning even now.

I want to tell the young man I was that escapism doesn’t last for long, but its consequences often do.

I want to know why I still choose that path so often when I already know where it leads.

I want to tell that young man that when he is my age, he will understand himself and his place in the world, and really believe it.

I want to have that understanding now or at least soon.

I want to find faith in myself that it will.

I want my parents to tell me they are proud of the man I am, and know they mean it.

I want them to understand the truth of me before the last sand drops.

I want to truly become the man I should be.

I want this little whisper of a life I’ve led to become a roar.

I want a great many things, it seems, but most of all-

I want to be rid of the wanting, or at least the heaviness the wanting brings.

I want to send each of these wishes off like Chinese Lanterns, hoping a few might find their way.

I want to be at peace if none of them ever do.

I want to close this now, but

I want to leave an opening for the wants not yet revealed to me, but I know will surely come.

« Last Edit: December 09, 2006, 04:58:15 AM by thunter34 »
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline heartforyou

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  • I must be a survivor in many ways...
Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2006, 05:42:07 AM »
Baby Thunter,

I can find myself in many points listed. So, you are not alone with "that virus" as well.

It is my absolute belief that we are in the "school of living" and therefore are learning every day.
You are a good , sensitive man thunter.
I wrote a letter to my parents , when i was dying in 1995. I told them all the good things and all the things I regretted.
And in return they opened up, at age 72, telling me ow much they loved and appreciated me.

Why not write them an open letter? You may be surprised of the reaction.

And yes Thunter, these questions of life.... I find them ever so often within my deepest soul. You are not alone.....

hermie :)
Who thinks that you or on track to spirituality, full force.
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Kivexa (Epzicom),Tivicay once daily.

Switching to Viramune, Isentress and Emtriva

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline poet

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  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2006, 05:45:18 AM »
Tim, well put.  It is as though you find yourself in the water.  There is one source on the left.  There is one source on the right.  The one on the right suggests play.  The one on the left has no joy nor does it suggest play.  It is strong and you are overwhelmed by it.   You feel yourself almost drowned by the two.  Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline Iggy

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Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2006, 09:19:31 AM »
« Last Edit: January 10, 2007, 08:49:07 PM by Iggy »

Offline Longislander

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Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2006, 09:49:39 AM »
Tim, you did understand. We're not alone in this. Most of us will identify with what you were able to put down. Some much more than others. I hoped it helped you in many ways.
Perhaps you can have a talk with that little boy today, and tell him what a wonderful man he turned out to be.
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Queen Tokelove

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  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2006, 09:57:11 AM »
Believe me, you are not alone in your feelings.. :-*
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2006, 10:05:25 AM »
December is good timing for introspection. Introspection proves you're strong.. Remember you're strong, young, you live in the USA, hands-down the most fascinating nation on earth. Here's to a superb 2007 and an emotionally cleansing Christmas

Offline allopathicholistic

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  • Posts: 3,258
Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #7 on: December 09, 2006, 11:23:25 AM »
Remember: In addition to the outside world, participation in these forums IS part of full participation in life. (Trite people tend to scoff at online support forums, as if they're experts in real life simply because they go out all the time and they're never at home, yeah right!!! So what. Yeah it's good to be out and doing things but also "Whereever you go, there you are." Just laugh and refute those who are too strict with "wholesale dismissal". If they knew what WE know, they'd be typing and clicking in addition to going out)  ... Anyway for me, reading the transformative posts here I sometimes feel a fast-moving bio-current, starting at my jawline and then it moves down the spine to the stomach area. When I feel that, I sense it's transforming me and preparing me for that next walk out of the house.
« Last Edit: December 09, 2006, 12:39:49 PM by allopathicholistic »

Offline chadnla

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  • Relaxed in SoCal
Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #8 on: December 09, 2006, 11:25:23 AM »
wow, so many of those i can relate to as well.

great thoughts.

I want more people to express themselve like that

"I do not believe in a fate that will fall on us no matter what we do. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing."

Offline Life

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  • Member 2005
Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #9 on: December 09, 2006, 11:27:26 AM »
Go get em Tiger...  All these things are yours to be had....


Offline Rightbrain

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Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #10 on: December 09, 2006, 11:31:55 AM »

Your writing has spoken to me deeply.  I know that deep loneliness.  I'm reaching out to you from deep heart to deep heart.

brother joe
If there's a cure I hope I can have all the leftover Sustiva.

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #11 on: December 09, 2006, 12:10:32 PM »

   Wow Tim !   

   "I want to tell the young man I was that escapism doesn’t last for long, but its consequences often do."

   I feel you on that!   Tim I hope the sadness lessens day by day.   You are truly a kind heart and you deserve to be happy.   I hope all is well today and you're feeling better.

I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline bear60

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  • Posts: 4,105
Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #12 on: December 09, 2006, 12:23:02 PM »
Oh gosh.  Is this the Christmas blues setting in or just your everyday blues?  Tim, when I feel this way and I do from time to time believe me....I try to do something positive.  For me that means: instead of sitting around I get busy with a project around the house.  Go to a movie which I dont often do anymore...just went to see QUEEN with Helen Mirren. Work on one of my art projects.  Make a pot of soup...my favorite is turkey and rice. Cuddle up to my partner! You get the drift.  The meaning of life for me is in the doing.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline thunter34

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  • Posts: 7,361
  • His name is Carl.
Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #13 on: December 09, 2006, 10:12:53 PM »
Gosh...thanks for all the kinda words, everybody!  I am feeling better now.  Still pretty tired, but not so down in the dumps.  Glad lots of you could find something in what I wrote that you could relate to.  The writing them out helped me push some of the blues out.

I've gotten some sweet PM's from people who have read this, too.  I have to say that I'm grateful for all of the suggestions I have gotten and offers for listening ears.

allopathicholistic:  You are very right that sometimes participation here is a valid part of participation in 'real life'.  I am certainly glad I was here last night, and I am glad Paul was here as well.  It might have been 'virtual', but it brought about some very real comfort.


AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline Eldon

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Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #14 on: December 10, 2006, 12:40:16 AM »
Hey Tim,

The above is a genuine reflection of the elements for a "Purpose Driven" life in this life. I could start a book right now but I will keep it brief.

In this life, we are all a part of one body. Inside of this body, it is made up of many different members whom have different functions inside of this body in order for it to function properly. In one way or the other, we are all connected to this body.

Through our experiences and our self-realizations, we become aware of our "purpose" in this life. In fact, our experiences are to teach us, and to assist us as we continue to walk on our Journey in this life. This is no ordinary love that we feel inside. It is the type of love that cannot be explained or expressed in words to many. It is a Special Kind of Love. This type of Love comes from The Great Divine, Yes, God.

With this type of Love that burns deep within the spirit of our soul, it is full of compassion, passion, understanding, sincerity, realistic, convictions, and genuine. It is the type of Love that desires within you to reach out to others in order to help them, assist them, teach them, learn from them, and so much more.

It is your Spiritual awakening.

What you desire, and what you seek shall come to pass. It can come in many different forms. It is up to you to be aware of these various forms as it will condition / nurture your very spirit of your soul.

This is just the beginning of this part of your Journey in this life. Do you recall the dream you had? It was a clear indication that there were others whom were placed in/on your route in which you were traveling in order to teach you, to assist you, and guide you in the direction in which you should travel on this part of your Journey. In fact, each one of them had a piece of the map which was to be gathered and put together so that you will have a clear direction of course that you will travel on your Journey in this life.

There is more that I wish to say. However, this is enough at this time to digest. Grab that Journal and keep track of your dreams, and your daily experiences in this life. Down the road, you will see what I mean from this.

Happy Holidays!

Offline Amosboy

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  • Music is the panacea.
Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #15 on: December 10, 2006, 07:14:52 AM »
It is in this type of poet purging that you open the door for others to see a more intimate side of yourself.  I suspected that you weren't just a pretty face and this type of sharing only magnifies your attractiveness.  You are touching people on a level that is far richer than the flesh.  On a personal level, I can related to your "wanting" and it has been the subject of much of my own poet purging over the years.  It is what truly motivates every aspect of my artistic side, even to the place where I interact with people on a daily basis. 

I hope that you are willing to share more of this side of yourself here as it appears.  You are encouraging others (myself, included) to take some emotional risks by "letting it all hang out", so to speak.  Your willingness to share such things can only be a good thing, as it has gently nudged me to maybe put some of my own words here that are not always so "upbeat".  I would like to read more of your poetry.

You've done a good thing, Tim.  I hope it comes back to you times a million  :)

"Love isn't love unless it's not painfully absurb."

-Charlotte Martin

Offline aupointillimite

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Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #16 on: December 10, 2006, 04:34:15 PM »
If only I were poor!
As a billionaire!
What's money to the soul?
There's an insatiable thief in mine.
All the gold in California couldn't feed
the unbridled horde of my desires.

- from "To His Beloved Self, the Author Dedicates These Lines" by Mayakovsky

I can think of nothing else to say other than that I understand, oh cloud in trousers.

I know how to read music.  Would you like to learn?
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline thunter34

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  • His name is Carl.
Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #17 on: December 10, 2006, 04:43:15 PM »
Yes, I would.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline Buckmark

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    • Henry's Home Page
Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #18 on: December 10, 2006, 10:51:26 PM »

Thanks for writing and sharing this with us.  The first step in achieving what
you want is to identify what it is that you want.  Seems like you've done that
very well, and in that sense you are ahead of many of us (well, at least me,
anyway).  I wish you the strength you need to continue to pursue these --
I sense you already have it.

These are the 3 wants from your list that resonate strongly within me:

I want to be rid of the wanting, or at least the heaviness the wanting brings.

I want to send each of these wishes off like Chinese Lanterns, hoping a few might find their way.

I want to be at peace if none of them ever do.

If I may indulge myself for a moment, there is one want I would like to add for myself:

I want to be able to express myself as clearly and eloquently as so many of you do here.

Best Regards,

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline Eldon

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Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #19 on: December 10, 2006, 10:58:46 PM »
Hey Henry...

The beautiful part is YOU CAN. It is all within YOU!

Happy Holidays!

Offline thunter34

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  • His name is Carl.
Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #20 on: December 11, 2006, 11:29:19 AM »

You seem to express yourself quite well to me.  You (and anyone else on here) can feel free to post your own additional 'wants' here.  We all have them.

I think my main objectives in writing this were to (1.)  alleviate the blues for myself by bringing them out in the open, and (2.)  to point out how similar such infections of the spirit can be to this one we fight in our bodies.  How it seems that we can't ever completely eradicate some of them, only find coping mechanisms to suppress them for a time....and how we must stay vigilant in doing so or risk having them overcome us.  Yet we must always carry hope that we will find the right mechanism that might bring about a cure someday.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline Christine

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Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #21 on: December 11, 2006, 03:13:07 PM »
Thank you for sharing these with us. I thought I was alone in thinking about going back to talk to the young me. What would I say? What would she think of me today?

Poz since '93. Currently on Procrit, Azithromax, Pentamidine, Valcyte, Levothyroxine, Zoloft, Epzicom, Prezista, Viread, Norvir, and GS-9137 study drug. As needed: Trazodone, Atavan, Diflucan, Zofran, Hydrocodone, Octreotide

5/30/07 t-cells 9; vl 275,000

Offline Eldon

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Re: The Wanting, Still.
« Reply #22 on: December 11, 2006, 10:39:15 PM »
Ahhh Thunter...

As I was meditating last night, you came to me in thought. Yes, you are on that road or river that leads to a certain destination. ASK and it shall be given, SEEK, and you will find, KNOCK and the door will be open for you! You just have to walk through it yourself.

Positive, Positive, Positive...State-of-mind.

Happy Holidays!


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