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Author Topic: When should I tell my boyfriend??  (Read 7614 times)

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Offline lost2006

  • New Member
  • Posts: 2
When should I tell my boyfriend??
« on: December 03, 2006, 07:31:19 PM »
I was tested positive about 6 weeks ago, was in a mess emotionally, very much like most others on this forum.  Couldn't tell anyone for the first weeks, just drink after work to go to sleep.  Finally told 3 friends, one who has been +ve for a while but live in another state, the other two are really supportive.  The first 3 weeks I really wanted to tell my spouse, who at that time was working out of town, decided not to tell him over the phone.  He came home, but I couldn't tell him than either...we have not have sex for more than 3 years now, although we have been living together for the last 15 years.
I decided not to tell him because I don't know how he will react, if he would still want me to be around or would he want me to leave?  Furthermore, it was close to Thanksgiving and we need to meet his family, how would telling him affect our time with his family?  While he was here, he noticed I was depressed and asked what is bothering me and yet I couldn't tell him...he is gone to work again, will be back in about 3 weeks...should I tell him when he return?

I have not been to the doctor since the result, according to my doctor, my CD4 is high and viral is low, he don't think I need meds right now, he recommend me to see a specialist, but I have not make an appointment yet, I guess I am just trying to avoid dealing with things... ???

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: When should I tell my boyfriend??
« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2006, 08:40:34 PM »
OK, I'm glad you found your way here. Dealing with turning poz is a big one and it's no surprise that you're having lots of intense feelings.

Even though you may not want to do anything about it right now, the most important thing is for you to have a good doctor with whom you can develop a good working partnership to keep you healthy. So that's something I do recommend that you look into. Maybe not this very moment, but soon.

As far as your bf is concerned, since active sex is not going on in your relationship that at least for the timebeing removes the issue of needing to have protected intercourse. (Although you never know when sex will come back into the equation, so keep in mind that should you guys have intercourse, whoever is the insertive partner must be wearing a latex condom everytime).

When you do talk with your bf, I suggest you keep it as simple and as direct as possible. I can't predict how he will react. You know better what the strengths and the vulnerabilities are in your relationship. If you guys can talk honestly and caringly with each other, this new element can end up deepening the intimacy in your relationship. But as you realize, you just can't know so on some level you have to be prepared to let the chips fall where they may.

With regard to disclosure, please read the lesson on this site about that subject. You may get some ideas there that are useful. Avoid being isolated with your feelings and concerns about this subject. I'm glad you have three people in your life whom you feel you can talk to honestly.

You might consider contacting any AIDS SERVICE organization (ASO) in your area to see if they offer either individual or group counseling. Believe me, many have gone through this before you and they can offer helpful responses based on experience, just as I expect you are going to find when members here read your thread.

Seeing a therapist or other mental health counselor might be helpful as well. It will give you a safe place where you can talk out your thoughts and feelings and get some clarity.
That should help you to make good decisions rather than impulsively going into action out of desparation or other uncomfortable feelings.

Getting used to living with HIV takes time. Give yourself as much as you need. Gradually you will learn everything you need to know. You're always welcome here to ask questions and to discuss anything that's on your mind.

« Last Edit: December 03, 2006, 08:43:12 PM by Andy Velez »
Andy Velez

Offline lost2006

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  • Posts: 2
Re: When should I tell my boyfriend??
« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2006, 08:55:57 PM »
Thank you Andy for your reply.
I intent to make an appointment this week to talk to the doctor my pr care doctor recommend.
I am feeling such guilt about not telling my bf though, I feel I have failed him.
I don't feel comfortable going to a support group here as I know lots of people here in the city and many of them know my bf.  The last thing I want is for him to find out through someone else.
I have comfort many people here for the past years when they told me they are positive and I was told by some of them there are people in the community who believe that everyone should know your status so they do not feel any need to hide their knowledge of your status if they know, everyone they know should know....
I am so lost, but like all of you said this will pass...tomorrow is another day to start the week...
Thanks again

Offline racingmind

  • Member
  • Posts: 236
Re: When should I tell my boyfriend??
« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2006, 11:19:15 AM »
Yes, therapy is a good idea if you are not comfortable with a support group....it is helping me immensely=)
Tested Negative: 5/06
Tested Positive: 9/06 
9/06: CD4: 442 (28%) VL: +100,000
10/06: CD4: 323 (25%) VL: 243,440
11/06: CD4: 405 (28%) VL: 124,324
12/06: CD4: 450 (29%) VL: 114,600
1/07: CD4: 440 (27%) VL: 75,286
3/07: CD4: 459 (30%) VL: 44,860
5/07: CD4: 353 (24%) VL: 50,852
7/07: CD4: 437 (29%) VL: 39,475
9/07: CD4: 237 (32%) VL: 372,774
10/07: CD4: 324 (27%) VL: 115,454 
Started Atripla: 10/07
11/07: CD4: 524 (?%) VL: Undetectable!
2/08: CD4: 653 (35%) VL: undetectable
5/08: CD4: 822 (40%) VL: undetectable
8/08: CD4: 626 (35%) VL: undetectable
12/08: CD4: 619 (36%) VL: undetectable
3/09: CD4: 802 (38%) VL: undetectable
7/09: CD4: 1027 (43%) VL: not tested
10/09: CD4: 1045 (43%) VL: undetectable

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: When should I tell my boyfriend??
« Reply #4 on: December 04, 2006, 01:55:51 PM »
The feelings you are expressing are good things for you to be talking about with a therapist. And you shouldn't be trying to sort things out by yourself. Be strong and get th help you need to get on with your life.

However overwhelming it may feel now, things will get sorted out and life is going to go on. Really.

Cheers on Monday,
Andy Velez

Offline Joe K

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  • Posts: 5,820
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: When should I tell my boyfriend??
« Reply #5 on: December 04, 2006, 03:39:59 PM »
Hello Lost,

I am so very sorry that you had to find your way here, but you have come to a very powerful place.  I have been poz for 22 years and I still remember my first weeks after being diagnosed and everything you describe is perfectly normal.  Your world has just been turned upside down and of course you don't know which way is up.  That is where we can help.

Andy gave you some excellent advice and I am going to second his suggestion that you see a therapist.  Your head is spinning and you need some solid expert support at this point in your life, so go see someone.  You go to a doctor when you body ails and it is the same thing when you experience life-altering situations like this.  You need someone to help you sort out your emotions and to start to get a grip on what being HIV positive means.

I also encourage you to start educating yourself on HIV and disclosure and I strongly suggest that you do not tell any more people right now, with the exception of your BF.  Telling others can wait, but I think you are being very unfair to the man in your life.  If he had such an issue, would you not be hurt if he did not come to you as one of the first people?  I imagine you would.

However, right now you are confused, angry and most probably feel like nobody will want you.  You are angry that you allowed yourself to become positive and you may even feel unclean because of your infection.  Again, all of this is perfectly normal so let me try and ease some of your suffering.

You did nothing to warrent becoming poz, so work at ending your guilt trip.  You will need to forgive yourself for whatever role you may have played in becoming positive, as negative emotions will only drain you.  Being poz does not change who and what you are, as you are no different from one week ago, other than now knowing you are poz.  You are not a bad person and you owe it to your friends and family to give them the opportunity to support you, just as you have supported others through your life.

I know this is a lot to take in and if I seem pushy it is because I am pushing you to reach out and get the support that you need.  Never under-estimate the capacity of others to support you without judgement and for those who would judge you, well you do not need people like that in your life.

You are starting on a journey that we have all made and though we cannot tell you how your journey will unfold, you never need to walk alone.  These forums are full of some of the most compassionate people you will ever encounter and if you need some support, all you have to do is ask.  We do not care how you became poz, just that you are and our only goal here is to help you adjust and to realize that life with HIV is different, but there is nothing to stop you from reaching your dreams, but that is a subject for another discussion.

So feel free to ask questions, rant, rave or whatever because we have all been there.

One last comment.  As hard as it may be to accept, if you tell your BF and he turns away from you, please understand that it may take him some time to adjust to the news, just as it is taking you.  We all have different capabilities and so we all react differently.  Just because he might need some time to absorb this, does not mean he does not care for you.  If may merely mean he is as frightened and confused as you, but it is always better to be united as a couple, rather than letting your imagination rule your relationship.

I hope this helps and welcome to the family.

Offline Queen Tokelove

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  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: When should I tell my boyfriend??
« Reply #6 on: December 06, 2006, 04:25:11 AM »

Sorry, you have ended up here. I know you are very scared and confused right now. I also agree with what Andy and Killfoile has said. So, I won't repeat all that. When it comes to disclosure that is a decision that you must make. No one can make it for you. But I do understand how it can be affecting you. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline SoSadTooBad

  • Member
  • Posts: 259
Re: When should I tell my boyfriend??
« Reply #7 on: December 07, 2006, 08:12:51 PM »
Lost - I have not told mine either.  We don't live together - and have not had sex in a long time.  I love him dearly, and I too feel like I failed him and myself.  It's been 6 months since my diagnosis and I started meds, and my body feels A TON better, that alone has helped me get my mind around things a little bit. 

I have not sought counseling, because it is still hard for me to talk about with anyone - this site is my sole outlet for dealing with HIV - and wow, it helps a lot. 

I intend to tell him after the holidays - I tested positive when he was working on a very important project at work - I did not want to distract him, and the project finishes in a few weeks.  Once he has that off his plate, I will tell him and accept whatever the consequences are.  This journey ain't no fun, but the only way is forward. 

Offline Eldon

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  • Posts: 2,664
Re: When should I tell my boyfriend??
« Reply #8 on: December 11, 2006, 11:34:08 PM »
Hello Lost2006,

What the others have mentioned is some good advice for your situation. It is unfortunate that you have tested positive for HIV, However, you did make that important step with coming to the AM site as an outlet for your support.

I wish to extend to you a WARM WELCOME here at the AM forums. Here you will find the encouragement, communication, understanding, support, some cries, some laughter, and many of your questions relating to HIV/AIDS answered.

We have a great group of Real People who will listen as well as answer you. We are here to encourage one another and to learn from each other.

With the consideration of implementing a Positive Mental Attitude, it will also assist you on your journey in this life as well as having a Positive Impact on your immune system.

In fact, through your Positive Mental Attitude, it will help you push forward through all of the obstacles on your path that you are now walking on.

Talking to other people helps us see that we are not the only ones with problems. Feel free to come and vent with whatever is on your mind from time-to-time.

Often the act of writing and the ability to “see” your feelings leads to therapeutic insights and solutions. .

In the interim, you may want to start taking a multi-vitamin, Omega 3 and you may want to keep an eye on your diet.

Exercise at least three times per week for a minimum of 30 minutes.

"Don't Give Up, Don't Give In... cause it is all within you to WIN!"

Offline pozgroup

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Re: When should I tell my boyfriend??
« Reply #9 on: December 12, 2006, 03:12:11 AM »
He should know before you have sex. It is not fair for you not to tell him. Of course, you need more time.
http://www.pozgroup.com--Living with STD, but not lonely!

Offline scoobystyle

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
Re: When should I tell my boyfriend??
« Reply #10 on: December 12, 2006, 02:30:20 PM »
Hi Lost,
       Glad you found this site! I have been diagnosed with AIDS for over 10 years now, and there are a lot of things I could help you with. First, let me give you a little more info about me.  Just so you know where I'm coming from. I am a bi married male, 45, have raised four kids already,benn through almost every med available.
        As far as letting peole know about my status, my wife was with me the night that I was diagnosed with PCP pnuemonia and when I went to the doc to finally hear what I had been dreading, my AIDS diagnosis. I went from thinking I was perfectly healthy to having Aids in one night,as far as being diagnosed. My wife stayed with me the entire time that I was in the hospital. They her stay the entire three days I was in there because they didn't think I was going to make it. But I did!
         I, myself, would tell him asap. Though the person I contracted my infection from was my first wife, my current and second wife has stayed with me throughout everything that I have been through. She has done this because she loves me. Really. It has been my experience that the general public is educated well enough that when they are told of a diagnosis, they accept it rather well. Most of the time they are generally curious about the virus more than they are worried about infection. But you are talking about your boyfriend. That is a bit different.
       Most of the rules about disclosure still apply, as there are legal reasons to disclose too. In my state,Indiana, it is illegal not to disclose to sex partners. in my state, I would have to disclose to keep from being sued by sex partners. Also, they could get me thrown in jail for not disclosing. There are also personal reasons that I would disclose.
       The last thing that I want is to infect another healthy, negative person with this virus. That would weigh too heavy on my conscience to know that I had done that. If your beau really cares about you, he will stay. If not, well, you can guess the ramifications. Either way, you must tell him. If only for your own well being.
        If he does leave you, fear not. There are plenty of men out there infected with this virus that would love to meet a poz woman. Sure, there are plenty of gay men with this virus, but the truth is that this is a human virus. There are almost as many hetero men with it these days. Many whom desperately desire to meet someone like you.
        So many women out these days spend there time being alone with this virus. They could be out there meeting others with it too. There are some things that you will need to know before dating though. The main thing being that you will want to find someone with the same type(strain) of HIV that you have. You want to avoid superinfection( being infected by more than the strain{s} that you carry). Your doctor has tests that can determine what strain(s) you carry.
         I have also found that disclosing is a VERY liberating experience. It is too much of a burden to keep this diagnosis to yourself. But you must take care to whom you disclose. There is still a great deal of stygma floating around out there. I tend to let people find out who I am before letting them know what I have. By doing this, I have had positive responses to my diagnosis. It does scare some, because they find out that this can happen to anyone. The ones who do not react very well to the news are either in denial themselves or they just need to get answers about the virus themselves.
         Another thing about whom I disclose to. I live in a county where I was the fourth person diagnosed. Also, I live in redneck country. The schools around here still carry the attitude that kids don't have sex. I'm working on that one. But, even though I live amidst such attitudes, I have still had 99% positive responses to my diagnosis.
        I have had to fight the local welfare office( and won) about my fitness as a parent with HIV. They found a scratch on my son's chin when he was in the second grade. They put us through a three year court battle. I finally went in with legal help when they tried to remove my son. At that point it was suggested that it was an HIV related case. Everyone knew, finally, what was the motivation behind their actions when they backed down at that suggestion. My son is now a junior in high school and still with me.
        So, disclosure still has a down side, but it is worth doing. At least it has been for me. I have had to learn to be responsible for my actions with others concerning the spreading of the virus, but that has not affected my working situation either. I work as an automotive technician most of time. In this field, my hands get cut quite often, but with proper care, I have managed my job quite well.
       To end up, disclosure is a must do for sex partners. It has many up sides to it and a few down sides. It has been worth doing for me, though. Good Luck and take care.     moparman

Offline Eldon

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Re: When should I tell my boyfriend??
« Reply #11 on: December 12, 2006, 10:26:06 PM »
Hey Lost...

I agree with Pozgroup here on this one. You should tell him before having sex with him. Also, you will want to make sure that you use protection while engaging in sex.

"Don't Give Up, Don't Give In... Cause it is all within you to WIN!"


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