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Author Topic: I was Bipolar or was it manic???  (Read 1740 times)

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Offline delilah07

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I was Bipolar or was it manic???
« on: July 30, 2016, 09:16:10 pm »
Okay, so the doctor said he wouldn't medicate me and I was fine. So I knew I was correct about many things, but if I was bipolar it would have been the easy answer. My husband thought he was smart. Including when he put me down in front of other women. He thought I had a whole to dig myself up out of. When I mentioned, "I'll be ok since I have a savings in the bank, I can work, and I make good money." He gave it a couple of hours before asking, "Can I come home now?"
I love him, but he can never be right in this case. In order for him to be right I have to swallow all my self-esteem and be dragged through the mud.
I cared for so long what other people think due to his telling me to fix myself up and to tell the truth I have been living very afraid.
I earned a college education combined with certificates. Last night I kicked my spouse out and he refused to leave.
He keeps telling me that I don't have to worry about him leaving. He keeps trying to get me to admit, "I'm worried you'll leave me for another woman."
Later he asked me if I'm worried he's going to leave, I responded with, "I know if it happens I can go get a job and make it on  my own."
Why is it a man needs to tear down a woman to make another woman think he's the man and his wife was a terrible/bad woman? Because my spouse needs a simple ignorant woman who actually believes he's good.
I spent nearly twelve years knowing that I am a bad woman for looking tired, sick, or gaining weight. Honestly, I went to college while he was drunk,severely dehydrated, and all during exams.  I also did the cleaning and cooking. He did drive my daughter to  school so he could get alcohol as soon ass the store opened.
Do I hate him? While I have been a loving wife. He enjoys putting me down and other women treat me like shit due to his antics. It makes them feel superior, I guess it means they don't have to work hard. If he does something wrong he simply blames me and the real funny part is he doesn't work.
When I think he's finally leaving my mind is open to reading, learning, and I'm relieved. I realize how nice he could be at times. Then he gets cocky in front of other woman. A few of which were my coworkers. One started calling me dumb because I didn't know what my husband was like. The answer is I do.
I really want to be alone so I can work on myself, but he wants to look the victim and try to get me to admit to untruths so he can come back at me with how insecure I am.
Why am I insecure when I have an education and I am asking him to leave. I even aid he could go sleep around or start a new relationship. I am confident enough to say, "I will be working, taking care of my daughter, and I do not need another man. I feel secure."
When I am thinking it's all over, (the argument), he sits there trying to manipulate me. Then when I ask him why he cannot just let it go, he starts trying to ask me questions to trap me into saying things that are very humiliating.
I figured out that if I swallow not my pride, but my sense of right and wrong one more time... I will be a miserable mess.
I always give in and become a mess that he likes to point out cannot survive without him.
Why do I have to as he puts it, "Dig my way up out of a hole."
His lifestyle is that of a man who vapors marijuana and drinks alcohol throughout the day. He cannot work due to HIV and I can because my cell count is much better. 'So he tells me'.
I am not angry. I have better options being that even alone I am happier. Seriously. It would feel wrong to find anyone else, yet, I am happier thinking I will be alone. Alone I don't worry  why  he is sighing or acting like I spend too much money. He spends $80.00 every two days on Marijuana and another $10.00 on alcohol.
I cannot allow him to damage my life because he didn't do the work. I have a daughter to support.
He has issues that she is bisexual. He won't admit to it, but will mention to me, "It's just a phase."
Just to sort of explain the title above... I went to see many professionals who often explained that medication doesn't change who we are or what has happened.
I wanted pills and the psychiatrist said I didn't need them. He also asked if loved my husband after I told him how I felt my husband was using my past as a reason to use me and it to be okay. I thought this way of thinking went out with the 50s.
To answer my own question form earlier, "No, I don't hate him." I want him to move on without tearing me down. I work and he doesn't. He wants me to fall apart without him. I cannot do this.
the women he often wants to speak with aren't home makers. Their fun girls. Even if he finds a long happy and lasting relationship, I'm fine because I achieved my goals to the extent of not fearing where my next meal would come from.
« Last Edit: July 30, 2016, 09:43:55 pm by delilah07 »


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