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Author Topic: Just found out partner is HIV positive after he cheated.  (Read 2462 times)

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Offline Noobie2

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Just found out partner is HIV positive after he cheated.
« on: July 22, 2016, 09:26:50 pm »
I'm so sad and confused. My partner and I, have a closed relationship.  I forgave him for cheating on me 2 years ago.  He says he used protection when he cheated. He had to go to the hospital yesterday,  and we found out he has HIV. I'm really scared for him, but I feel hurt and angry at the same time. Is it wrong to be mad at him for getting HIV from cheating, after I already forgave him? It is really possible for him to get HIV topping with protection and non- protected oral sex?  I took a HIV test and I'm negative.  He never told he the name of the man he slept with until today. They were rumors about that guy being HIV positive a few months after they had sex. He didn't bother to tell me about it then. I also wonder if the guy he sleep with know he was positive. I really love him, but I don't know what to do. Should I go on PReP? I don't want to leave him, but I feel betrayed.

Offline CaveyUK

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Re: Just found out partner is HIV positive after he cheated.
« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2016, 03:10:51 pm »
I'm so sad and confused. My partner and I, have a closed relationship.  I forgave him for cheating on me 2 years ago.  He says he used protection when he cheated. He had to go to the hospital yesterday,  and we found out he has HIV. I'm really scared for him, but I feel hurt and angry at the same time. Is it wrong to be mad at him for getting HIV from cheating, after I already forgave him?

No it's not wrong, but how you move on from here is a very personal decision. Only you will know whether HIV is a deal breaker or not. As you have tested negative, your partner needs support and not some protracted and emotional rollercoaster leading to a breakup. This is just my opinion, but if you decide you cannot move past HIV then you need to resolve that fairly quickly. If you do accept the situation then put all your energy into supporting your partner 100%

Quote
It is really possible for him to get HIV topping with protection and non-protected oral sex?

It is highly unlikely. More likely something else happened or he picked it up from another encounter, perhaps even before you met. Circling around the exact incident that led to transmission may seem the right thing to do, but it really doesn't matter. The vast majority of people here took a risk at some point which is why they wound up here... none of those risks were taken to intentionally harm anyone else, even if that eventually happens. People generally have good intentions. What's done is done now and nothing will change that fact...it's all about you now and whether your love for your partner outweighs the condition he now has. Only you will be able to answer that, but you can use the forum resources here to get more educated about it all which may help influence things one way or another.

Quote
I really love him, but I don't know what to do. Should I go on PReP? I don't want to leave him, but I feel betrayed.

Yup the betrayal is a bitch, but things do happen in relationships. You forgave him for the cheating previously, so this now comes down to his condition and whether this trumps the love you have. No decision is right or wrong here - it's a very personal thing.

As for PrEP - that is a conversation you need to have if you decide to stay with him. If he gets on treatment and you are not having sex on the side then condoms will probably be sufficient (more for other STI's than anything). If you are truly monogamous then there may be more options.

What you may mean is 'PEP'. This only works in the few days after exposure. If you have had sex since your negative test and this has been in the last day or two then it is certainly an option, otherwise it is not necessary.
HIV - Basics
HIV 101
You can read more about Transmission and Risks here:
HIV Transmission and Risks
You can read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
You can read more about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
HIV TasP
You can read more about HIV prevention here:
HIV prevention
You can read more about PEP and PrEP here:
PEP and PrEP

Offline Noobie2

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  • Posts: 2
Re: Just found out partner is HIV positive after he cheated.
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2016, 09:32:39 pm »
Thanks for your reply. He is still in the hospital, he has neurosyphilis and can't walk now. I'm really scared for him, he is in a lot of pain. The hospital is treating me like "his friend" and not telling me much at all. I hope tomorrow I get more info becuase it will be Monday. But I can't really blame the hospital. Becuase I found out he is still legally married to his ex wife!!!  We been together over 9 years and he has told me the whole time he was divorced.  >:( when it rains it pours. I'm dying inside, I feel so stupid and native.

Offline Jim Allen

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Re: Just found out partner is HIV positive after he cheated.
« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2016, 06:06:24 pm »
Hi

Firstly, sorry to hear that your partner is sick and I wish him well and a speedy recovery.

Now I removed your post from the living with section of the forum, this area is only for people who are living with HIV. Please only post in the sections "Someone I care about" or "off topic" for any non-HIV related matters.

Quote
I don't want to leave him, but I feel betrayed.
Not to be rude, but "no shit" I bet you feel betrayed, i would be livid.

I am really sorry to hear what you going through, the feeling of betrayal, the lies and the deceit. Finding out he was married for all these years, phfff I can't even begin to understand how upset and hurt you must be.

I think, that if you want to stay with him, realistically know that it is not going to be easy to build back up the trust again between you, and it will take time & work to do this.

That said my honest opinion is at the end of the day you should really think about what you want and ultimately choose and do what is right/best for you, whatever that might be. 

Jim.
« Last Edit: July 25, 2016, 06:08:58 pm by JimDublin »
HIV 101 - Everything you need to know
HIV 101
Transmission and Risks:
HIV Transmission and Risks
Read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
Read about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
HIV TasP
You can read about HIV prevention here:
HIV prevention
Read about PEP and PrEP here
PEP and PrEP

 


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