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Author Topic: Boyfriend tested positive  (Read 3126 times)

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Offline Just1

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  • Posts: 3
Boyfriend tested positive
« on: January 06, 2016, 01:41:10 pm »
Hello everybody,

I'm new to the forums and my current situation is also new for me, so I have some questions/concerns.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. About two weeks ago my boyfriend tested positive for HIV after I told him to get himself tested because I had chlamydia (he also tested positive for chlamydia). He thinks he got it from his ex-boyfriend (with whom he broke up three years ago), because they had unprotected sex and he didn't have sex with anyone between that relationship and ours. He also thinks that the chlamydia came from him, mostly because his ex was unfaithful.

So, we made some appointments at the hospital where they ran a couple of tests and now we're waiting for the results. Since we don't know his viral load and because I'm a little scared, I've been holding off on sex (except for hand jobs). I told my boyfriend I want to wait for his results. He told my he understands me, but also said that it really isn't helping for him and that I make him feel like I'm scared of him. Furthermore he told me that he doesn't understand what has changed since he probably has been positive since the beginning of our relationship and I tested negative till now. This all has put a bit of stress on our relationship lately.

So, what do you think? Am I wrong for holding off on the sex? And what is your advice for the future?

Offline Jmarksto

  • Member
  • Posts: 667
Re: Boyfriend tested positive
« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2016, 01:23:52 am »
Hey Just1,

Welcome to the forums, you found a great place to voice your questions/concerns. With the limited information that you have provided, I think that an HIV diagnosis can effect each of us very differently - I don't think you are wrong for being cautious and I don't think he is wrong (unless he is advocating for unprotected anal or vaginal.....I didn't see gender specifics) for feeling like you are scared.  It is good you two are talking about it.  In terms of advice for the future...take your time, get educated on what is safe, keep an open dialogue with each other, and perhaps talk to a counselor.

I wish you and your boyfriend well.
03/15/12 Negative
06/15/12 Positive
07/11/12 CD4 790          VL 4,000
08/06/12 CD4 816/38%   VL 49,300
08/20/12 Started Complera
11/06/12 CD4   819/41% VL 38
02/11/13 CD4   935/41% VL UD
06/06/13 CD4   816/41% VL UD
10/28/13 CD4 1131/45% VL 25
02/25/14 CD4   792/37% VL UD
07/09/14 CD4 1004/39% VL UD
11/03/14 CD4   711/34% VL UD
03/13/15 CD4   833/36% VL UD
04/??/15 Truvada & Tivicay
06/01/15 CD4 1100/50% VL UD
10/16/15 CD4   826/43% VL UD
??/??/2017 Descov & Tivicay
2017 VL UD, CD4 stable around 850
2018 VL UD, CD4 stable around 850

Offline Just1

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Re: Boyfriend tested positive
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2016, 03:21:27 am »
Thanks for your reply and advice.

I forgot to mention we are both male and he's not advocating for unprotected anal sex. We have always used condoms for anal sex.

We got a lot of good information at the STD clinic and at the hospital. I've also read a lot about it. I think we both know what is considered safe and what is not.

I also know that the risks are really minimal if we do things right, but in the back of my head I'm still afraid of what might happen and I don't know if it will get better over time.

Offline Gruff

  • Member
  • Posts: 50
Re: Boyfriend tested positive
« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2016, 07:47:00 am »
There is a psychological wall you have to climb and jump over.

When I was negative, I admit I somewhat terrified of sex with a poz guy, and even though there's plenty of information out there (albeit conflicting), I always had that fear in the back of my mind.  I was where you are now.

7.5 years ago I became positive.  I absorbed info like a sponge.  I got on meds, and squashed my viral load to undetectable, where its been for 7 years.  I know that I can not transmit the virus - even when topping during unprotected anal sex. I get frustrated that so many guys are so fearful of sex with me.  In other words - I am now on 'the other side.'

5 years ago I met my current partner.  He is negative.  We bareback - we've never used condoms.  I'm still poz (obviously!) and undetectable....and he's still negative.  We have found many guys in a 'serodiscordant' relationship, and it works.

Encourage your bf to take his meds regularly, to squash his viral load, and to stay undetectable...and enjoy each other without fear.  Otherwise, it's never going to work.  As I said, the key is getting over that wall of fear.  The perspectives when that wall exist are tough to overcome...talk, talk, tall.  Come to grips with the reality of the possibility - or impossibility - of his transmission, and understand the constant stigma he feels as other guys see him as 'damaged goods.' 
12/28/2015  VL ud  CD4 462  40%
06/08/2015  VL ud  CD4 647  39%
10/21/2014  VL ud  CD4 378  44%
06/12/2014  VL ud  CD4 725  37%
03/14/2014  VL 29  CD4 597  35%
11/14/2013  VL ud  CD4 595  37%
08/12/2013  VL ud  CD4 557  33%
04/22/2013  VL 43  CD4 430  31%
01/16/2013  VL ud  CD4 524   34%
09/28/2012  VL 59  CD4 471  31%
06/05/2012  VL ud  CD4 650  32%
02/27/2012  VL ud  CD4 503  28%
11/25/2011  VL ud  CD4 765  32%
06/17/2011  VL ud  CD4 660  29%
11/03/2010  VL ud  CD4 654  31%
07/15/2010  VL ud  CD4 507  27%
03/25/2010  VL ud  CD4 741  23%
11/19/2009  VL 59  CD4 704  24%
08/17/2009  VL 89  CD4 493  18%
05/06/2009  VL 105 CD4 545  17%
01/26/2009  VL ud  CD4 585  16%
11/26/2008  VL 247 CD4 338  13%
06/28/2008  VL 3,308,049  CD4 444

Offline Just1

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Re: Boyfriend tested positive
« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2016, 11:21:14 am »
Thank you Gruff for sharing your experiences.

I know it's a psychological wall I have to overcome. I just don't know how long it will take and I hope my boyfriend gives me the time and space for it, because I know it's really frustrating for him.

Offline Jeff G

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  • Posts: 17,064
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Boyfriend tested positive
« Reply #5 on: January 07, 2016, 11:29:10 am »
Welcome to the forums. As long as you use condoms for anal or vaginal sex correctly and consistently you will avoid HIV . If you want added peace of mind you can discuss PrEP with your doctor. You can read about PrEP hereÖ http://www.poz.com/factsheets/fs_2014_09_prep.pdf  and here, http://www.aidsmeds.com/articles/Transmission_17146.shtml

Once your partner is on meds and stable undetectable it cuts the risk to near zero so you have every right to expect a full and satisfying sex life with your partner. Iím wishing you the best.
HIV 101 - Basics
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You can read more about Transmission and Risks here:
HIV Transmission and Risks
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You can read more about PEP and PrEP here
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