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Author Topic: At a crossroads too, but Moving on...  (Read 3008 times)

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Offline Trish

  • Member
  • Posts: 332
At a crossroads too, but Moving on...
« on: November 19, 2006, 11:11:00 AM »
Whether or not anyone reads this, I just felt the need to post one more time.  I need to let you all know where I stand and what I think.  I do not expect anyone to respond.  Hell, I imagine that many of you will not even bother to read it anyway, and that’s okay.  I just had to write out my thoughts and post them.  Here it is… my thoughts, which are vast.  And this is a long post, just as long as the first one I posted in March of 2005.

As I stated in the “Timeouts thread” -- I am all for timeouts, however, being issued a one week timeout was unjust to me, just as it was to Killfoile and KCmetroman.  Why for a 1st offense were we handed one week timeouts and not 2 days as clearly stated in the rules for a 1st offense? At the very least the moderators should follow the rules as THEY have written them.  Just saying...No big deal, what’s done is done.

I realize that I am guilty of having used some harsh, abusive language and resorted to some flame baiting.  I was wrong.  I should have received a timeout months ago.  I do not argue this point.  It was unfortunate that I allowed my anger to get the best of me.  I unleashed that anger toward those who gave me a WORLD of crap about AMG.  As many of you know, I am not afraid to speak my mind, however, things have changed and you will see this more clearly as you read on. 

When I made my suggestion for AMG I was aware that I was walking into rough and un-chartered waters, however, it never occurred to me that I would be perceived as a homophobe.  When the nasty name calling ensued that is when I lashed out.  I was angry, hurt and confused.  I felt cornered and reacted as such.  I was raised to defend myself and that is exactly what I did.  Had the name calling not happened, I never would have resorted to such a low level.  True, I should have ignored those who purposely hurt me, but I didn’t.  I am a human being after all, and do have feelings just like everyone else here.  It was just my nature to defend myself, as I’m sure many of you would have done the same.  Was I wrong to lash out?  Perhaps so, but I wasn’t going to lie down and take the shit.

Not only was John & I bashed during the whole AMG fiasco, we were followed around by those who do not like us, or those who did not like what we had said about AMG.  They took to bashing us in every other thread we tried to contribute to.  I was also accused of threatening Lis should she have attended AMG.  Absolutely not true!!! Lis knows this was a false accusation… I just wish she would have spoken up.  I never reported anyone along the way as I should have.  It wasn’t until Lis so eloquently called me a “Hooker” and Steve (fearless) called me an “old scrag” that I decided to contact the moderators.  Yes, I should have reported some people in the past as well as ignored a few people, but instead I fell to their level and fought back.  I am a reactor and there is only so much abuse a person can take.  I do feel I was justified in fighting for my honor… I will not apologize for defending myself.  I do, however, apologize to the moderators for contributing to the fracas, as well as apologize to everyone who had to witness such childish behavior.  It wasn’t fair to anyone.

It has become apparent that many of you feel, & believe, that John and I should leave this place for good (or be banned permanently) for the good of everyone on these forums…it has been stated so, especially by Steve.  Steve, I have never resorted to calling you names, as you have taken to belittling me and calling me an “old scrag” among some other abusive words.  Perhaps it was your motive to make us feel uncomfortable and want to leave on our on accord.  I just don’t know, but it feels that way.

As to my participation on these forums, I cannot bring myself to post here, except for this one.  I feel soured by many people on these forums, just as I’m aware that I have soured you, which was never my intention and you know that.  Due to this fact, I truly do not feel welcome here anymore.  It is not a place I feel safe, nor comfortable.  For the life of me I cannot stay in a place that does not want to give me support or friendship.  I am very hurt that some people have callously taken to calling me names, labeling me a homophobe and have decided to drop me from their email lists as well as no longer send text messages just because I went out a limb to voice an opinion about AMG… I thought these people were my friends, but it is clear that they’re hearts were never in it from the get-go.  A lesson learned I suppose.  Whatever….

I have moved on though… I am advocating in my local community by serving on our local Planning Council, as well as on the State level.  I am also looking to become a peer educator/counselor (submitted my application recently.)  I have also joined a new website where people don’t judge you based on your ideas or thoughts.  It is a place that I feel safe and comfortable.  It is a place where I can be myself, speak what’s on my mind and not be fearful of being bashed and hurt. 

Some of you have registered at this new site recently.  One person in particular has joined and had the audacity to cause trouble for me & John.  I felt like hunted prey.  He couldn’t just leave us alone.  No, instead he took to purposely abuse us.  I was appalled and very hurt by this individual who happened to be one of the people I held in high regard on AM.  I highly respected him, and I cared for him very much… still do, I just see him in a different light these days.  I never imagined he would have stooped so low.  And of course I reacted with some choice words.  He has been banned from that site because mean spirited, hurtful behavior will not be tolerated. Anyone is welcome to join this new website but those who do, please DO NOT do so just if you are looking to cause problems.  We’re not about that.  We’d like to keep it a safe place for everyone.  So please think before you post if ever you do decide to join.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

So, here I am… moving on & leaving this place.  I have no regrets having been apart of AM.  It was here for me when I needed it most.  I made many friends along the way and some are still my friends…these are the bonds I will cherish forever.  These are the people I can share my thoughts and feelings with without the fear of being ridiculed or bashed.  Although I am sad that I have lost some friends here, I am grateful for all the support I have received in the past.  But, the time has come that I steer clear of a place that does not welcome me anymore.  I am afraid to post anything because there are those I feel & fear will knock me down at any given moment.  I do not need to be hunted down at nearly every turn.  This is not my idea of a place that is supportive.  It is not safe for me here.  I am reluctant to post my thoughts or contribute in any fashion.  I am in the minority at AM.  And it is because of all of the above that I must remove myself from something that is unhealthy for my wellbeing.  I am looking out for my best interests.

I never really thought a day would come that I would say goodbye to AM, but that time has clearly arrived.  I am comfortable with my decision and I do not expect anyone to sway me to stay (which I doubt anyone will do, considering all that has taken place.) 

I do wish you all good health, ALL OF YOU, from the bottom of my heart, truly I do.  No matter what differences we have had in the past, I do wish everyone well, and hope that better days will be ahead for all of us.  I just need to a place that is safe.  AM is not safe for me, not anymore.

Take care.


A note to the new members... please keep in mind that what I have said here has no bearing on the support that YOU can get here.  There are some wonderful people here, who are very supportive and have valuable knowledge & information.  Take advantage of it.  Do no allow my post to keep you from gaining the support & friendship you need.  What happened to me on this site is just something that happened to me.  Disagreements happened and this post should not persuade you to stay away.  I hope you take advantage of the support you can find here.  I truly do.
"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is buit."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Offline NycJoe

  • Member
  • Posts: 251
Re: At a crossroads too, but Moving on...
« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2006, 11:39:12 AM »
If people on this site are truly the kind forgiving people they portray themselves to be, then they would say let bygones be bygones and lets move forward.  Let's see if they practice what they preach..good luck.  You are not the enemy.  HIV is.  Let's not forget that...Joe

Offline Blixer

  • Member
  • Posts: 712
Re: At a crossroads too, but Moving on...
« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2006, 12:43:26 PM »
I totally missed the whole series of events that went on with this and only caught the time out thread.  I just want to say that I remember the support you gave me when I first came to this site and I appreciated that.  Maybe the time out was not applied correctly, but one thing I think it accomplished is that it got the attention of all of us and caused us all to think about our actions and reactions.  I understand you feel it was applied iin an inconsistant manner and I hope those in charge have reviewed that issue.  I also think it is awful that you have felt like "hunted prey."  I would agree with Joe that I hope we can all get beyond this and let bygones be bygones.  We are all in this together. We have all be brought face to face with our mortality.  We are all fighting the same ultimate thing here.  We should not be fighting each other.  I would hope that we could all disagree on points but not let that cause us to do hurtful things.  I do know that I used to frequent another site and I felt I had to leave it because it was unmoderated and things just got way out of hand there.  It wasn't from those who shared this challenge of being HIV infected, but from some on the outside that came in to do some bashing.  I still check that site every now and then and the forums that have pretty much died as being anything helpful.  I hope that doesn't happen here and I hope everyone can evaluate their actions and reactions here, let the past be the past, and get on with helping each other on this journey and challenge we are all facing.  Those are my thoughts for what they are worth.
Diagnosed 1/9/06
8/27/2007 CD4 598, 29%, VL 58 (72 wks)
11/19/2007 CD4 609, 30%, VL < 50 (84 wks)
2/11/2008 CD4 439, 27%, VL <50 (96 wks)
5/5/2008 CD4 535, 28%, VL <50 (108 wks)
10/20/2008 CD4 680, 28%, VL <50 (132 wks)
Changed to Atripla in 2012
1/14/2013 CD4 855, 35%, VL <40

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: At a crossroads too, but Moving on...
« Reply #3 on: November 19, 2006, 01:22:21 PM »
Hi Trish,

I couldn't read your whole post (as you say it was long), but from what I could read of it there seems something happened here that is painful enough for you to move on.

So I'll just wish you well, the experience of forgiveness, and good health.

Here's hoping the future is brighter for you.

Take care,




Offline ndrew

  • Member
  • Posts: 695
  • ....-.-.-.-.-.....
Re: At a crossroads too, but Moving on...
« Reply #4 on: November 19, 2006, 01:36:53 PM »

I read much of the original thread a while back.  I am troubled by gay/heterosexual relations, that under tension can become ugly crap tossed back and forth.  The reality is that everyday I am confronted by a particular culture that is often antagonistic to the wonderful difference of who I am.  For example, certain leaders/parties who align themselves to negative notions of christianity/religion and use my being queer as a fear platform for their politics.  This is a sore spot.  But I am hearing that HIV/AIDS effects everyone... and here we are gays, straights, bi, men, women and transgender, etc...

I don't know if there can be any common understanding beyond the virus.  I don't sometimes feel forgiving either and often get pissed, yet I have seen people get backed into a corner and have a hard time articulating comments.  I don't think it is helpful to demonize them.


Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 31,724
Re: At a crossroads too, but Moving on...
« Reply #5 on: November 19, 2006, 03:58:54 PM »
Trish, with all due respect, much of what you've written here are thoughts and feelings which you have expressed in previous threads.

I want to make it clear that you have not been banned nor was such an action under consideration at this point. If you leave the site that's strictly your choice. Personally I wish you well and that you're able to find circumstances that are helpful to you on another site.

I don't see it as being productive to have this thread turn into yet another back and forth over things which have been discussed many times. In fact, quite the contrary. I see it as only potentially re-kindling some things best left alone. 

With that in mind I am locking this thread. It will be available to be read but not for further responses.

Wishing you well, Trish.

Andy Velez

Offline Trish

  • Member
  • Posts: 332
A clarification and an apology.
« Reply #6 on: November 20, 2006, 01:16:26 PM »
Peter, and everyone else,

Please understand that I never intended my last post to be offensive to anyone, nor did I post it to start a war.  Also, it was not done to get the "last word" in.  Please trust me on this... I only stated what had happened to me with actual events and how I felt about it.  It was in an effort to move on with my life.  I did so for myself.  I simply felt the need to explain my position, that's all.  It was a way for me to put this all behind me.  I hope everyone else can do the same.

If anyone was offended by what I wrote, I apologize for that.  I truly did not intend for it to become a debate.  And I certainly didn't think that what I related to in my post was doing something wrong... I never imagined the paranoia that would come from it.  But again, I apologize.

I am moving on and so should everyone else.  I am letting bygones be bygones.  I hold no ill-will toward anyone.

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving and a very happy Holiday season, as well as good health.

"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is buit."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Offline allopathicholistic

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Re: A clarification and an apology.
« Reply #7 on: November 20, 2006, 01:19:43 PM »
I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving and a very happy Holiday season, as well as good health.


Thank you. Same to you, even though I didn't "get to know you" really


Offline Tim Horn

  • Member
  • Posts: 799
Re: At a crossroads too, but Moving on...
« Reply #8 on: November 20, 2006, 01:45:55 PM »

I have merged your most recent message, started in a new thread, into this locked thread.  As we've said to others who start new threads to continue a conversation continued in a locked topic, there really wasn't a need for you to do so. 

Please, Trish... what you've written above says it all.  If you really are ready to move on, whether its within or beyond these Forums, I'm asking you not to start any new threads on this subject.   

Tim Horn
« Last Edit: November 20, 2006, 01:54:32 PM by Tim Horn »


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