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Author Topic: Boyfriend of just told me he is Hiv+ emotional roller coaster  (Read 3266 times)

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Offline buzzing22

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  • Posts: 3
My boyfriend of two months told me two days ago he is Hiv+ at first I thought he was jk.. I was shocked I couldnt believe it ,he told me he was born with it ,I was told through text btw, I know he expected me to break up with him but I told him Im still here,I called him and started asking a million questions I think I was still in shock. when we hung up and It started to really sink in I broke down I was feeling so many different emotions I was mad he waited two months to tell me, ( even though we havent been intimate). I was sad because im 30 hes 24 I have no kids and I really want some... How can we have kids without me also getting infected, I didnt think it was fair that this person I have been falling inlove with has this "thing" I been terrified of ...ive cried myself to sleep in the past because I had convinced myself I had it . I cried all day and all night I even woke up crying I didnt know what to do but I knew I had to see him and talk in person. Before I saw him I prayed and asked god to please guide me in what I should do I really cared about him but I wasnt sure I can handle this, I was grateful he cared enough to tell me before we became intimate, but at the same time I couldnt see myself ever being intimate with him couldnt put myself at risk ever. As soon as I saw him I broke down I told him everything I was feeling he apologized a million times I just hugged him and cried in that moment I relized I didnt want to let him go, him having HIV doesnt change who he is and how he makes me feel, he treats me so good and he makes me super happy I shouldnt let that stop whatever is happening between us. So now I have so many questions I want to go with him to his doctor I want to know everything and anything I can know about HIV im not turning my back on him but I cant lie im very scared of our future..having sex, having kids,my family, his health so many things im trying to stay positive and not think about those things since we are still early in our relationship but its def in the back of my mind.

I just want to say Im really glad I found this site I felt more at ease after reading a few post.

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Boyfriend of just told me he is Hiv+ emotional roller coaster
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2015, 03:03:59 pm »
Hiya.
Hearing that a loved one is HIV+ can be a shock.
Be generous to yourself and to him.
There is NO rule or best time for an HIV+ person to tell a partner this news. Your couple hasn't been intimate, and now he has told you. It wasn't easy for him (thus the text message  :( ) and its not easy for you to hear. Lots of challenges ahead, lots of learning, but is there really a need for anger or hurt?  I personally dont think so.

HIV+ + HIV- couple is called "serodiscordant" couple.   HIV treatment is VERY advanced and very reliable and tested and sure.  Serodiscordant couples can have sex without risk of transmission. 
(condoms. PrEP.  consistently undetectable viral loads. there are different ways people combine these three things - you DON'T need all 3!)

Also, for several years now, its been proven that serodiscordant couples can have children, "the natural way" (sex without condoms - see above - undetectable viral loads) with no risk to the negative partner and the child. 

YOUR doctor can explain that, and you can stick around this forum and read about it.

Your bf may, or MAY NOT, wish to have you visit HIS doctor with him.  That's why I say you can discuss these things with your doctor.  Or any ASO - aids service organisation.

If you decide to be intimate, and then you decide to have children - this is all in the future, and you have plenty of time to learn everything you need to know, so don't rush yourself.  Take a breath.
« Last Edit: March 23, 2015, 03:13:36 pm by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Rachael_1

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  • Posts: 20
Re: Boyfriend of just told me he is Hiv+ emotional roller coaster
« Reply #2 on: March 24, 2015, 08:42:07 am »
I found out my husband was positive a few months ago, I know how hard it is to find out and how many conflicting feelings you must be feeling.
It is a huge shock and you will probably feel overwhelmed with the information available online. Text message wasn't the best way to tell you, but maybe he was just scared of your reaction, he himself has a lot to deal with emotionally. The onus of protection is on both of you, both of you need to be informed on how to keep you safe, at least until he knows his viral load, is checked for other STDs (you also, get tested for STDs).
You can definitely have a family, become pregnant and live the life you imagined, this doesn't change that. Give yourself time to absorb, to understand and to accept. I found out over 5 months ago and some days I still cry about it. I still feel mad that he is sick and I still feel scared at times he will become ill. I feel no fear of intimacy though, we use condoms and he is on meds (not undetectable yet), the odds are still in my favor for not getting HIV.
As soon as he is "safe" has been constantly undetectable we will be trying for a baby as we planned before his diagnosis. In reality, besides his appointments we live life as usual.
Talk about HIV with you BF, dont let it become the dark tabu between you. But be careful not to make it "theme of the day" also.
BIG hug, it will get easier!
XXX


Offline buzzing22

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Re: Boyfriend of just told me he is Hiv+ emotional roller coaster
« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2015, 12:52:12 pm »
Hiya.
Hearing that a loved one is HIV+ can be a shock.
Be generous to yourself and to him.
There is NO rule or best time for an HIV+ person to tell a partner this news. Your couple hasn't been intimate, and now he has told you. It wasn't easy for him (thus the text message  :( ) and its not easy for you to hear. Lots of challenges ahead, lots of learning, but is there really a need for anger or hurt?  I personally dont think so.

HIV+ + HIV- couple is called "serodiscordant" couple.   HIV treatment is VERY advanced and very reliable and tested and sure.  Serodiscordant couples can have sex without risk of transmission. 
(condoms. PrEP.  consistently undetectable viral loads. there are different ways people combine these three things - you DON'T need all 3!)

Also, for several years now, its been proven that serodiscordant couples can have children, "the natural way" (sex without condoms - see above - undetectable viral loads) with no risk to the negative partner and the child. 

YOUR doctor can explain that, and you can stick around this forum and read about it.

Your bf may, or MAY NOT, wish to have you visit HIS doctor with him.  That's why I say you can discuss these things with your doctor.  Or any ASO - aids service organisation.

If you decide to be intimate, and then you decide to have children - this is all in the future, and you have plenty of time to learn everything you need to know, so don't rush yourself.  Take a breath.

Thank you so much after researching the things you mentioned and talking to him more I do feel more comfortable and not as scared. At the moment of finding out I was angry because I didnt think it was fair that he had to go through this,that he has to carry this his whole life and that I could loose him which also made me sad.. But after calming down and talking to him and he assured me his health is good and hes undetected I was relieved.   He was actually happy and excited that I wanted to see his doctor I said his doctor because I felt he would be more comfortable me talking to his doctor than me talking to mine bout it. All this very new to me but we are trying to take it one day at a time like you said we have plenty of time.. When the time comes i will be ready to cross that bridge.  Again thanks I really appreciate it


Offline mecch

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  • Posts: 13,455
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Boyfriend of just told me he is Hiv+ emotional roller coaster
« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2015, 05:56:57 pm »
Good for you! And you're welcome.
Don't you think its a pity that the world can't educate people in a non-judgemental way about virus like HIV, prevention, treatment, prognosis.  Gee we have been knowingly living with this one for over 30 years and too many people are still in the dark.  :-[ Its great to hear you are willing to figure this all out. Good luck and best wishes.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

 


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