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Author Topic: First time since we found out  (Read 6988 times)

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Offline Teresa

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First time since we found out
« on: June 07, 2006, 09:15:00 PM »
Tonight was the first time hubby initiated sex since we found out he was postitive. It was awkward to say the least. We have used condoms for birth control so we know how to use them (and since im neg im sure we use them correctly). He was nervous..i was nervous. We started but didnt finish. He was having trouble keeping an erection. I asked him if he was ok...he had tears in his eyes and said, I have aids, it would kill me if i gave it to you. Im scared. I told him i was scared too but we would get through it together.
I have read the Lessons here numerous times and ive had him read them too.

Does anyone have any suggestions for us? Is this about what everyone experiences the first time after u find out your HIV+?

Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)

Offline Londonguy

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Re: First time since we found out
« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2006, 09:33:02 PM »
That sounds really intense.  I didn't experience anything like that the first time I had sex since being diagnosed, but then I wasn't in a remotely similar position.

I'm sorry I can't offer much advice but I dearly hope that things improve for you and I'm sure some people here will be able to help you.

Offline RAB

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Re: First time since we found out
« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2006, 09:40:33 PM »

This is tough.

The first thing I think is important for you to understand is that your husbands inability to "perform" (I hate the phrase BTW)  has nothing to do with his love for you, it has nothing to do with his desire for you, it has nothing to do with who and what you are as a woman.

The fact he initiated sex is actually a good sign.  It is a strong indication that the love, desire, and need for physical contact is still important.  It's still burning inside of him.  It means he loves and desires you just as much as he did pre-diagnosis.

I guess what I am trying to emphasize is this doesn't have anything to do with who and what you are as a woman.

O.K. setting that aside for the moment.  I'm not surprised that he is having difficulty.  Every essence of his being, every thing he has understood to this point has literally been turned upside down.  He's feel unworthy, uncertain, most important he's feeling exactly what he stated a fear he might infect you.  As a man I can't imagine being able to maintain an erection under that kind of pressure.  Which in turn leads to an entirely different situation.  One where he's questioning his very masculinity.

My advice is to take it slow.  Be patient.  Talk openly and honestly.  Let him work through this.  Express your continued love and commitment. 

It also might not be a bad idea to consider seeking help from a professional.

Your husband obviously loves you and desires you as much as he always did. 

You obviously love your husband and are willing to stand by him.

Express that to him.  Be gentle with him.  Let him know that you understand and have no immediate expectations, that you are with him through this in the long term.

I wish you both the best.   


Offline Oceanbeach

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Re: First time since we found out
« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2006, 10:15:10 PM »
Dear Teresa,

I was single when I was diagnosed and remain single 12 years later.  My 10 year anniversary of my AIDS diagnosis will be in a few weeks. I chose not to have sex of any kind for the first couple of months.  I found this relatively interesting because prior to my initial diagnosis, I was extremely sexually active (3 to 5 times a night, 3 to 5 nights per week).  My room mate and I used to compete to see who could pick up the hottest man and the games were heavy, competition was tough.

At the beginning of my HIV diagnosis, I completely lost interest in sex and that lasted for a month or two.  It had nothing to do with anything but me and my lack of interest.  Over time, I started getting interested again.  I lived in an L.A. beach house, dated lawyers, actors, a few doctors.  Life does begin again and being designated as a "status date," I had to be me.

The AIDS diagnosis was different because it seemed more devastating and my phone quit ringing.  For the first time in my life, my dance card was not full.  I felt it was important that I get involved in a "permanent relationship."  It became open season on me in the beach house and I became involved in two abusive relationships which lasted 4 years.  I moved 536 miles away and in the last 6 years, I don't want anyone to touch me.  There is a really nice RN that says he loves me and can't understand why I need the 3 feet distance.  There is a nice doctor on some of the committees I participate in, he is pleasant, appears to really like me but, I prefer to be left alone.  I look good on an arm but prefer to be a magnet for impotent men.  There is a man who uses the term erectile dysfunction and we get along just fine.  We have a nice dinner at a local cafe and he drops me off at my door.

I believe the point I am trying to make is... it is not you as a woman and a wife that is the problem in your sex life.  It is the disease, it is stronger than most of us, shapes our opinions and if allowed will control our futures.  Give it some time and life will be better, your husbands initiating sex for the first time since his diagnosis in just over a month is a very good sign.  Have the best day


Offline AlanBama

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  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: First time since we found out
« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2006, 11:08:03 PM »

My heart goes out to you and your husband.   Just give him time and lots of love, that's the best thing you can do.   


"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline TavoJavi

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  • Posts: 8
Re: First time since we found out
« Reply #5 on: June 08, 2006, 01:08:36 AM »
Teresa, what a nice name and what a nice person you may be.
Have you heard about the female condoms? Probably this is one of the best options you can make use of to feel more secure and more confident having sex. Ask to your doctor or ask for some advise to indicated person.
You will find the way to fulfill your hearts and your feelings.

Offline water duck

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Re: First time since we found out
« Reply #6 on: June 08, 2006, 03:10:42 AM »
Teresa, on the surface your thread may sounded pessmistic, but actually there are lots of reasons for rejoicing as you are on the road towards healing.
KEEP AT IT HONEY it will get better. IT IS normal.


Offline penguin

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Re: First time since we found out
« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2006, 07:14:46 AM »
hi teresa,

just keep talking to each other...
sex is only one way to show someone how much you love them...if it's not feeling right at the moment, don't give up, just find another way to show each other how strong your relationship is.

kate x

Offline Optimistic

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  • An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctors Away!
Re: First time since we found out
« Reply #8 on: June 08, 2006, 07:20:38 AM »
my heart goes out to you Teresa....communication is really important, keep it up.  I can feel the love you and your hubby have for each other, don't ever let that feeling fade.  This may be tough, but it is not the end of the world.  Be strong and you guys will get through this.  I'm rooting for ya.

12/06 (Atripla): cd4 - 260; cd% - 33%; vl - 169
1/07 (Atripla): cd4 - 267; cd% - 38.1%; vl - 132
4/07 (Atripla): cd4 - 373; cd% - 33.9%; vl - <50
7/07 (Atripla); cd4 - 287; cd% - 35.8%; vl - <50
9/07 (Atripla); cd4 - 356; cd% - 39.5%; vl - <50
12/07 (Atripla); cd4 - 517

Offline Markmt

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Re: First time since we found out
« Reply #9 on: June 08, 2006, 07:50:03 AM »
Teresa what you are going through is perfectly normal. My partner is negative so I can understnad the fears you are both going through.You just have to feel both secure and confindent in what you are doing before you can enjoy sex.  Make sure you got strong right sized condoms to feel more at ease. Foreplay (safe sex) is very pleasureable too to start with untill you go into penetravitve sex. I think once you get it right it will get easier by time.

take care,

"Live to love and love to live."

Leo Buscaglia

Offline MoltenStorm

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  • Poz & Fabulous
Re: First time since we found out
« Reply #10 on: June 08, 2006, 09:12:35 AM »
Wow Teresa

I was touched by your post. (Part of me's jealous. I'm all like, "I want a guy who feels that way about me!") But aside from the jealous note, he really loves you, and part of him wants to protect you at all costs. The other part may be shame or a form of self-punishment. He may feel since he has this virus that he's "not worthy" or "doesn't deserve" to feel connected with you in *that* way.

Like everyone else has said, be patient with him, hun. A lot of people say that women are the emotional/fragile of the sexes. Ironically, it's men. We're very emotionally fragile creatures for the most part. Give him lots of verbal and tactile support, and definitely let him know that you're going to be there for him and you two are in this together.

Counseling could also be a very good idea too. I don't know how your hubby feels about it, but it's a very helpful option.

I wish you the best, sweetheart, and I hope he's able to work through that fear.
"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, adaptation in A Walk To Remember

CD4: 555 / 29% / Undetectable - 7 Nov 2006
CD4: 555 / 29% / Undetectable - 5 Feb 2007

Offline Christine

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Re: First time since we found out
« Reply #11 on: June 08, 2006, 11:27:31 AM »
It was awkward for us the first time after diagnosis, for a few months actually. It sort of felt like the first time...where does this hand go? Shift leg here, be careful, wash your hands- neurotic thoughts that really made no sense, but were still there...

I think all that is very normal. Go very slow. There are no rules saying you have to have intercourse with every event. If it would be easier, do a cuddle only night, then make-out night, then progress as you are comfortable. You both logically know the risk of transmission with safe-sex practices. It will take some time for logic and your heart to be in sink with each other.

In my opinion, the most important thing is to keep talking. Tell your husband how you are feeling, and let him tell you everything he is feeling. There will be some thoughts and fears that might be hard to share and hear, but for right now, it is very significant to get everything out of your heart. With time, those fears will lessen, and your passion will return.

I think to, as we age, the passion and love in a long term relationship evolves. Sex at 20, is not the same thing as sex at 40. Appreciate and understand that those dynamics are going on also. We HIV'ers just have all the normal evolution with that extra "fun" stuff to deal with.
Poz since '93. Currently on Procrit, Azithromax, Pentamidine, Valcyte, Levothyroxine, Zoloft, Epzicom, Prezista, Viread, Norvir, and GS-9137 study drug. As needed: Trazodone, Atavan, Diflucan, Zofran, Hydrocodone, Octreotide

5/30/07 t-cells 9; vl 275,000

Offline Moffie65

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  • Posts: 1,755
  • Living POZ since 1983
Re: First time since we found out
« Reply #12 on: June 08, 2006, 11:41:03 AM »

I wasn't going to answer you on this post, because I am not a straight man, nor am I a straight woman; but in the end, some of my experiences might be of service here.


First off, you guys are supposed to be married.  As a Gay man, I don't know what this is like, as I live in a country that has/is doing it's damnedest to make me and all of us God/ess designed as Gays "non-people".  As a married couple; there is every expectation that you will be together for a very long time, or until "death do you part".  I bring this up, because one failed attempt at sexual play after this short of a time is not to be unexpected.  There will be many more "failed" attempts at sex, this is just the way it is. 

I need you to think about his feelings here for just a second.  I know what he is going through as I have been there, and felt those feelings.  He doesn't want to be responsible for infecting you, he doesn't feel all that good, there are loads of details that are racing through his head at that specific time, and there is little wonder that he was incapable of enjoying sexual contact.

For practical purposes, I would suggest  that you both FORGET sexual contact for the time being.  Re-order your lives by going the "simple" route for now.  Douse him with little affectionate things that make him feel good and comfortable.  If he likes to see you mincing about the home in your panties, close the house up and serve him beer naked.  What the hell, this is both your lives, and anything you guys can do to come to some comfort in your own skin, will help in his emotional healing.  Remember, he is now dealing with a DEADLY Disease, and in his mind, he and his body are toxic as hell to you. 

Finally, go to a good "toy store" and find a Cockring that will fit him well, and not be irritating.  You might have to spend a little cash here, but he will thank you so very much.  Please make sure to stay away from the pills, there is not really good science behind them yet, and for him to use them without being HIV+ for some time and under care for a longer time; would not be advisible.

Try to focus on simplistic things that will remove his discomfort and keep him focused on the many many things that you guys CAN do safely.  Remember, safe sex is not boring, only uncommon.

In Love and Support.
« Last Edit: June 08, 2006, 11:44:43 AM by Moffie65 »
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline jon

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  • Posts: 18
Re: First time since we found out
« Reply #13 on: June 08, 2006, 02:05:26 PM »
I'm in the same boat as Your Hubby.  Having HIV is one thing.  Giving it to someone You love is something else.  It scares the hell out of me every time My Wife and I have sex.  A good friend of mine went thru the same thing and got past it.  It may take some time, but with good communication it should work itself out in the end.  Give it some time. 
You'll have to kill Me before I die!!!

Offline southmetro

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Re: First time since we found out
« Reply #14 on: June 08, 2006, 05:13:42 PM »
Sorry to hear about your situation.

I found out I was positive only about 30 minutes after having unprotected sex with my wife. I'm not sure how many times we had sex between when I got sick a few months before (when I most likely became pos.) and finding out from a phone call a few days after giving blood.

It was also only about 10 days before we went to mexico for a week on the beach. We never used condoms as I was "fixed" after out two kids more than 13 years earlier.

We now use condoms for intercouse and oral sex ( she bought them for the first time for the vacation) and we did have one come off about 6 months into this whole thing andhad the contents spill out on the outside about 6 months after that. Why tell you all this? Well even with my VL in the 250,000 range and even over 300,00, she didn't get it. There is no such thing as no risk.... but it isn't automatic that you will get it from an accident.
She was tested every 6 months for 18 months then once a year, (last time just about 2 months ago) she remains neg. I hope you will too! Good luck!

Pos 2/2004       
Date       CD4  % VL
02/05/04 411 27 277K
04/05/04 507 31 327K
05/03/04 528 32 81.5K
07/05/04 497 27 272K
10/06/04 401 30 109K
01/06/05 493 22 128K
03/07/05 607 27 217K
08/08/05 397 24 123K
11/28/05 345 25 47.8K
01/19/06 419 23 18.1K
03/06/06 371 28 70.8K
Started meds 04/28/06 Sustiva & Truvada
05/01/06 391 20 8090
05/31/06 450 20 131
06/08/06 VL 88
07/31/06 415 26 <50
09/21/06 574 30
11/16/06 498 32
02/12/07 609 35
05/16/07 532 28
08/13/07 652 34


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