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Author Topic: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide  (Read 17516 times)

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Offline maxmarco

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  • Posts: 76
I've been happily in love for six years with the most amazing woman I could have ever dreamt of. We married. No children yet. During this time I accomplished my professional dreams and briefly touched the sky with my hands. One year ago suddenly everything collapsed. Except for my wife, everything else in my life collapsed at the same time. I found myself unemployed, unable to get a job, with no money, and burdened with a huge debt. At the same time my loving wife and I were forced to live apart, in different countries, with the intention to reunite a year later. We have been apart for 6 months during the last year. During this time I have been very close to suicide on multiple occasions. Extremely close. My wife does not know. My financial problems seem insurmountable, and my professional life ruined.
The only thing that kept me from committing suicide is my love for her, and her love for me.

I have always liked to experiment with drugs. The one drug I had not yet tried was heroin. Had always joked I would try it before dying, maybe even kill myself with an overdose when very old rather than dying a natural death in a hospital. Months ago in the midst of a suicidal moment I tried it. I shared a needle. It worried me, but I dismissed it from my mind. What are the odds, right? Next week I am to reunite with my wife permanently. Suddenly concern mounted, and I went to get tested. Results came in two days ago. Elisa test was reactive. It may still be a false positive, but odds are 99.91/97% the reading is accurate.

I am supposed to fly to her in 24 hours. My rational self is torn if to delay the flight for a few days to get the second test and thus confirmation before I see her. Or if to fly right away, tell her immediately about what happened, and get the second test with her. On one hand I feel sharing immediately would be best. Proof of my absolute trust in her. On the other hand sharing immediately would be very selfish. What if it was a false positive, and all I achieve is having her carry part of my burden for three days, and in the process maybe ruin our relationship?

I am scared to death for her. We had intercourse since my infection. I traveled to see her. I may have damaged the purest person on earth. No alcohol. No drugs. No partying. No sex with anyone but me, ever. I am scared to death for us. Part of me thinks she will leave me, and I will have lost our love, the only thing I have left, the only thing I cherish. I wanted to die before knowing about this. Now the pain is so hard ... I don't know if I have the strength. My irrational, weak and egoist self wants to commit suicide right now. My other self wants to find the strength to go see her, tell her about it, and tell her one last time how much I love her. The love of my life, whose trust I shattered and whose health I may have destroyed.
2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

Max

Offline Jeff G

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Welcome to the forum Max . Its clear from your post that you have been struggling with depression for a long time before you were diagnosed with HIV . I am thankful you found the forum and decided to post and I am hoping coming here and talking about these issues can help you move forward in life and maybe a great way of getting the depression issues dealt with .

Im sure many others will welcome you and offer support ... Im wishing you the best .
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Offline Tonny2

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   Hi Max, welcome..if you really love her, you must tell her, I think, love is honesty, and by telling her she can be tested and she might be negative and you will get a heavy weight off your shoulders...I think you might need prefesional help, I, myself, I will be seeing a psychiatrist, cause a have some depression issues, so, try to get help, if indeed there is love between you two, it will be easier for both of you to deal with this...I wish you luck, and here we are for you   =)

Offline maxmarco

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  • Posts: 76
Thanks a lot for your support.

I got WB confirmation today. Don't have the viral count yet, need another test for that.

Stress is and has been so intense my whole body suddenly hurts and itches. The physical pain is not a figment of my imagination. Can't function. Can't stop the tears.

Now I need to travel and somehow tell my wife.

This is hell. Catholics must have had HIV in mind when they invented hell.
2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

Max

Offline Tonny2

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  • Posts: 1,905
 :)    Hi Max

I'm so sorry for what you are goig through, but I think, after you talk to your wife, you will feel better....living with hivit's not hell, I think, what's feels like hell is having been honest with yourwife, please, find the way, she will support you, and you will feel better...I wish you lots of luck    ;p

Offline zach

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  • Posts: 3,423
whoa, max, back up from the brink ok man, we can talk this out, you can get help

it's overwhelming right now, for anybody, but plenty of people have made it through

break things down, handle one issue at a time. first thing, don't opt out. you with me on that? second, the heroin, ignore pretty much everything else and focus on getting clean. then move on. nearly ten years here, stop making me think about it :-)

the hiv, thats gonna be ok, its totally manageable. no matter what your viral load and cd4 count is, don't panic. i promise, it's alright.

it's gonna take alot to tell your wife. no promises there. hope for the best, be strong.

jobs come and go. get clean, get your virus managed, get life back together. get some rest, get up tomorrow. this fight has just started man.

oh yeah, welcome and all that. no gift basket, but we'll be here for you the whole ride, no matter what

I set into a downward spiral
Caught an illness that was literally viral
I heard some words of wisdom the other day
And they went in one ear and out the other one

I awoke from this beatific binge
With prismatic eyes, now lite is tinged
With all the vapors that the vile humans brew
Shining through the blight of you

Offline LostChild89

  • Member
  • Posts: 44
  • The sweetest thing I've ever known...
Max,

I don't know how it must feel being married and having to relay this information to your wife. It is a scary process and may be one you want to do with a counselor first or intermediately.

However, the initial shock is the hard part. I've only been diagnosed poz since February but I'm already looking at life through a different lens. This isn't the 80's, the 90's or 2000's for that matter. We are living long, normal lives. And with the proper assistance, you will too. What was once the 'inevitable killer' is now 'a manageable hassle' and with meds like Triumeq hitting the floor, the power of life will continue to grow.

As far as the depression, I have been very open about my bipolar depression. It is subsequently the disorder that lead me to my HIV status. Get help for that ASAP. Depression, in my opinion, can kill you faster that HIV can. This is because it attacks your spirit. Let nothing take your joy.

-Lost
Exposure June 2012
1st Poz Test 2/3/14
Diagnosed 2/12/14

2/13/14 CD4 1066 VL 765 35%
6/20/14 CD4 852  VL 15552 34%
9/24/14 CD4 787 VL 1764 34%
10/22/14 Started Triumeq
12/18/14 CD4 1114 VL UD 40%
06/26/17 CD4 1398 VL UD 45%

Offline maxmarco

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  • Posts: 76
Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #7 on: September 03, 2014, 01:36:05 AM »
Hello All,

Thank you very very very much for your words. So much.

I am still here. Its been 18 days since initial diagnosis. I haven't shared this with anyone but you. Today I almost opened up with a close friend whom I thought could at least partially understand, and hopefully keep it private. Almost. He was so happy. About to go on the most exciting trip of his life with his partner. I couldn't bring myself to do it. What for? To ruin his magical vacation? Its not easy to socialize these days. I am lying to the world, trying to hide, sharing nothing, trying to keep conversations short and superficial. All very contrary to my nature.

My face is distorted in tears while I write.

I haven't seen my wife yet. I haven't told her. Must tell her in person. We still are many thousand miles away. I had decided to delay my flight for a few days to get the confirmatory test before seeing her. I got confirmed. Right right then we received news from the consulate saying my immigrant visa request was placed in the expedited channel, and thus should be processed quicker, which would require my immediate input onsite. So I delayed the flight again. I'm sure this is unclear. Sorry. The situation is we are now living in different countries while I process my immigrant visa. Because the visa was taking so long I had decided to go and see her and move in into our new flat, and once the consulate would give me an interview date, fly back to my country for 10-14 days, get the visa, and go rejoin her. So here I am, stranded in my country, waiting for the visa interview date. I estimate I will get the visa within two weeks; it can be any day during the following month thanks to the expedited factor.

I'm not a religious person, not even remotely, but last weekend I traveled to visit a woman who is supposed to see the Virgin Mary and perform miracles. I'm already screwed. I went to pray for my wife. It was a powerful experience. Cleansing. But today my wife is showing clear signs of HIV. She's always had a very weak immune system, getting sick and having allergic reactions to everything. But today she got a very bad itchy eczema like red rash on her neck. And now I recall a few months back she had a vaginal yeast infection. Horrible. It seems I infected her. I killed my baby. If I can't forgive myself, how can I expect her to forgive me?

My last hope is that I have a low progressing strain, that I indeed caught it recently, and that she got it on our last encounter. That would give her more time. I read that a small minority develop full-blown AIDS in 1-3 years. And I suddenly remembered she had sort of a similar eczema rash in her back a year ago, so maybe she's been infected for a while. That got me thinking about my past risk situations. Back in February, I did IV H with someone I had never met before. She was the expert. She injected me, twice. I was high before the first injection, and did not pay any attention to the syringe and needle. That's why I assumed I must have gotten it from her. Then I realized this was just an assumption. I had two other risky encounters. In early 2013 I got into a fight in Thailand with a few bouncers of a ping-pong bar who beat the shit out of me, split my head open, and had me bleeding profusely. I ended up in a hospital bed. I don't recall if I caused any of them to bleed, but they could have easily opened up wounds in their hands and shoulders when hitting me. A head is quite a hard surface to split open. Finally in 2007 I had vaginal and anal unprotected sex with a random woman I had picked up on casual dating site. A few months after this I had an important rash and pains all over my body. That freaked me out, and I went to test myself. Think it was an ELISA test. Test came back negative. All pains vanished overnight. But it could have been a false negative, or maybe I did not wait long enough for the test. I believe I waited over 2-3 months, but now I'm not 100% anymore, and I also read comments that to be 100% one should wait 6 months.

My wife is everything to me. Ironically enough, now I realize how foolish I was to consider suicide due to financial and professional ruin. I want to spend every moment left on our lives together. I want to explore and travel, with her. I want to go back to every place I've been to, with her. I want to give her a family and everything she wants. I want to see her happy. Oh dear God ...

.... still waiting for my CD4 and VDLR count.

Sorry for such a long post ... I know your time is precious ... Tonny, Jeff, Zach, Lost and all ... Thanks a lot!!
2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

Max

Offline maxmarco

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  • Posts: 76
Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #8 on: September 03, 2014, 01:39:13 AM »
Lost, I'm amazed at your high CD4 count so long after your exposure! That's awesome!
2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

Max

Offline Tonny2

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  • Posts: 1,905
Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #9 on: September 03, 2014, 01:51:34 PM »
Hello All,

Thank you very very very much for your words. So much.

I am still here. Its been 18 days since initial diagnosis. I haven't shared this with anyone but you. Today I almost opened up with a close friend whom I thought could at least partially understand, and hopefully keep it private.

   Hi Max, I'm lost about your situation, where you are, and where you are going to go, but this is not important,...I seems to me that you feel less pressure, all this time away from wour wife, will help you, I think, and you are right, it is not a subject to discuss by phone...you seem a good guy, worry about your wife, but I think she must know your situation, you know your wife, you mske hsve sn idea how she might react, I hope you get a partner in her to battle this together....about your drugs use, are you still doing it?, are you putting yourself and others at risk, you getting hepC and passing hiv on)?...Y hope whatever is keeping you away from seeing your wife get resolved soon, so you can relax and start, with your wife, to deal with whatever comes ahead...good luck, I will keep you in my thoughts, like you, I'm not a religious guy, but I will send you good energy..     ojo

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #10 on: September 03, 2014, 02:31:24 PM »
The details on your story are a bit hazy.
Why do you say you killed your child?   :-\ :-[

Nobody can diagnose someone else based on symptoms.  That includes you diagnosing your wife at this time. She will need a test.

I don't follow you about "slow progressing" strains.  Generally it is someone's immune systems genetics about how slow or fast. Not the particular virus strain that determines this universally.   Its your own genetics. Or your wife's - if INDEED she is HIV+.
And this isn't going to matter - fast or slow.
Its doesn't matter to you because now you know you are HIV+ so you will do everything in your power to get into regular care and monitoring and start treatment when recommended and set up all the access / resources to get the treatment and stay on it.  The strain of your virus won't matter. NOR will it matter if you would have been a slow or fast progressor.  Doesn't matter because that story is over now for you. You follow doctors orders and deal with where you are from this point on.  You can't do anything about the past.

Same for your wife.  She gets tested. If she is HIV+, then the doctors will recommend when she needs treatment and that is what she will do - get treated.

Even people who are in a pretty dire medical crisis can get better once they start treatment.   If things are not too bad for you, you'll be feeling a lot better about your health pretty quickly.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #11 on: September 03, 2014, 02:39:09 PM »
You know its fine and dandy to pray but only if you do that IN ADDITION to calling your wife and telling her to go get an HIV test.
I suppose you could wait a few days but please don't let this notification drag on.  Its not doing you or her any good and may be doing damage.

Being HIV+ does not make one "unpure".   Its an unthinking virus, more often than not an STD.  Billions of people screw around the world and most of the time we do NOT get STDS and then we don't go around thinking that our love making  or screwing is a dirty shameful thing. At least not most people.

Its only when we get an STD that suddenly it becomes so easy to say - STDs are dirty shameful - because of sex???   Or sex is dirty shameful - because might get an STD? 
It all falls apart.

If something about sex, or STDS, is judged immoral or dirty in your faith, fine. But try to compartmentalise that or it will destroy your healthy outlook for the future.

Are you saying you think you got HIV from sex, or from drugs?  Or a bloody fight?  Hmm - You are cycling through possible routes of transmission.  Some of them are kind of unlikely but whatever.  Is one way to get HIV better for you, than another way? I'm guessing not.

I wouldn't want to have got HIV from sharing a needle once.  Nor from sharing 2000 times.  I agree, getting burned from a 1-time thing, thats some pretty bad luck. But, it is what it is.

I'm guessing, when it comes down to it, you will eventually figure out like many of us do, that you had some bad luck, and move on. 

As I said, your wife is an adult and has the right to make up her own mind about anything and everything and I don't think you should hesitate very long giving her the information she has a right to.
« Last Edit: September 03, 2014, 03:10:17 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #12 on: September 03, 2014, 05:11:33 PM »
P.S. - ask around, ask people with HIV, ask social service agencies - find out exactly how many combos are available in your country.  It might be a question of the squeaky but polite and insistent wheel finding some access to drugs not generally available.

Seems to me there should be some generics with preferable molecules.

And I know even the latest drugs sometimes have radically different pricing depending on the country.  ("tiered pricing")

But maybe you have already checked this all out and the drug you are on is the one and only choice?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline maxmarco

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  • Posts: 76
Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #13 on: September 05, 2014, 11:48:29 AM »
Thanks mecch! Hazy, yes, guess that's what happens when writting in the midst of an extreme breakdown.

To make it clearer, I'm now in my country of origin waiting for a consular interview to get a gcard. The interview takes place in my country. Its actually good I delayed my trip to the US to first get WB confirmation, because just a couple of days after the scheduled flight I did not take I was unexpectedly contacted by the Consulate asking me to get some missing docs. Before I thought I had everything already cooked, and the plan was to fly to the US, spend about a month there, and fly back right for the interview and get the gcard. Now I'm here getting everything ready, and the interview should be in 1-2 weeks. Then I can fly to the US and see my wife.

I must tell her in person.


2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

Max

Offline maxmarco

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  • Posts: 76
Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #14 on: September 05, 2014, 11:53:22 AM »
The wait magnifies my concern. Specially given that I won't know my CD4/VLDR count for another week. The lower my CD4 count, the lower my wife's count (if she indeed is HIV+), and the more at risk she would be because of the wait. That's why I wonder if I could have got it in earlier exposures, even if the odds are even smaller. The earlier I got it, the more advance my HIV will be, and the more at risk she would be. Until I have more information (about my count and her condition) the when and how make a huge difference to me. Because it is all I have in the meantime.
2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

Max

Offline mecch

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  • Posts: 13,385
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #15 on: September 05, 2014, 12:03:20 PM »
The lower my CD4 count, the lower my wife's count (if she indeed is HIV+), and the more at risk she would be because of the wait.
I explained to you above - this is false.
Your experience with your virus has nothing to say about another person with the same strain.
If she is even HIV+.

You are having ruminative thoughts.

The solution to your anxiety about the wait, and whether she is or isn't, is NOT a bunch of conjecture.
I suppose I understand waiting another week but if this drags on it is a lack of respect for the other person involved. Why do you get to keep all this power and control. 
« Last Edit: September 05, 2014, 12:07:02 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline maxmarco

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  • Posts: 76
Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #16 on: September 05, 2014, 12:16:14 PM »
Its incredible how pains and itching popped up across my body after the preliminary diagnosis. It was almost immediate. One of the pains I found particularly interesting, right on the corner of my head at the edge of my back hairline. Noticeable pain started, and the area became tender to the touch. Yesterday I discovered there is a lymph node right there. Interestingly, the tonsil on that side is visibly inflamed. Next week I will have a doctor look at my tonsil. There is not much more I can do given  that I'll be going away soon.

Being a fast or slow progressor matters. For my wife, if she indeed is +, because of the wait. If she catches something bad in the meantime while waiting for me, or because of the delay, that would be the final blow. And for me, because I don't have insurance in the US. I have access to insurance through my wife's job, but I find it is not subsidized by her employer at all, and it is very expensive. I was not goint to take it. Now given my condition, I need to reanalyze it and look for alternatives. In addition, I'm bankrupt. Temporarily I believe. So it matters for me.

Ironically, HIV treatment in my country is free. But this is irrelevant. If I lose her its goodbye for me.
2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

Max

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #17 on: September 05, 2014, 12:23:12 PM »
How many times must I explain that you are not qualified to make conjectures about how your wife's genetics might deal with an HIV infection.
It probably has nothing to do with how your own body is dealing with it.
Get it?

What I see from a distance, and not knowing much really, is not particularly flattering but its just my opinion so take it or leave it if it is constructive.

Seems to me that you felt self entitled enough to take a few lifestyle and sexual risks, and then continue to sleep with your wife without protection. 

Therefore you were entitled enough to put her at risk as well. 

Now your lack of respect has come back, to put a bump into the relationship.  But you are still trying to control the situation.  IMO, you lost control when you took the actions, above. 

Now she deserves the information and she gets to decide what to do next. 

You might well be in a better position to stay where you are.  If the risk is that she puts some distance between when you inform her of the events above.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #18 on: September 05, 2014, 12:33:33 PM »
In my experience, many couples survive an HIV diagnosis and betrayal. But lets not be pollyanna about this. Some do not.

In my experience, when one party in a relation screws up, a sign of good intentions is to explain the screw up and give the other party the freedom and courtesy to feel and react from his/her own gut.   

Now I understand the need to want to be there and deal with this together, you are also putting extreme pressure on your wife because of the logistics of insurance, finances, citizenry, residency, god knows what else.   So it seems a little bit like presenting bad news and saying you have to deal with it because otherwise, suicide...
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #19 on: September 05, 2014, 12:39:31 PM »
Now I apologise if i have misunderstood the situation, and also misread your intentions.

I may be projecting.  Sorry!

I had a partner put me in a situation somewhat similar.  It led me to a break down, and it was only later on, when the couple was destroyed, that I came to understand that I had been blackmailed by my (ex)partner who wanted to control the whole shitty experience.   And furthermore, using an HIV diagnosis to blackmail me and manipulate me to get things and situations he needed. Including intimations of ruin, and suicide, or death by HIV.

I hope that is not what you are doing and I am completely mistaken.  Because if there is a kernel of truth in what I am saying, its a very bad thing to lay on someone you love.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline maxmarco

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #20 on: September 05, 2014, 12:52:43 PM »
Its just all I can do while I wait. Conjectures. Study probabilities. To determine if I should hop on a plane tomorrow if waiting a few days may be risky. Sexual risks were before being together. I tested negative after my last risky encounter. Oh I wished I would have fucked half the world, or have done all the intravenous drugs in the world, at least then this shit would make sense. Doing H and hiding it from her, regardless of the mental state I was in, that's unforgivable. Giving her HIV, if I indeed did so, that's unforgivable. I can't think of anything worse somebody could do to someone else short of murder. And doing that to the person you love, that's unforgivable. I must tell her in person. I need to be there to support her, or to let her tear me apart. Otherwise the minimal chance of not losing her will be gone. And then there will be nothing left. Nothing. I have already prepared all my finances and accounts for suicide. Only those who have truly and unconditionally loved someone could understand.
2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

Max

Offline mecch

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #21 on: September 05, 2014, 12:53:13 PM »
In most countries these days, there is medical care enough that an HIV diagnosis is not a death sentence... 
If your relationship survives and you are in the states legally, there will be work arounds - a way to find coverage for you if you cannot get coverage from your wife.
If your relationship does not survive, as you say, there is medical care in your country.

Similarly, people go on after heartbreak.  In a worst case scenario, if your wife decides she can't continue with you, then it will be heartbreak and horrible but it does require suicide as the answer.  Also, its a lousy trip to put on someone you love, yet as a result of their decision to move on. 

God forbid you suffer a heartbreak but the response would be rallying family or friends, or getting into some sort of network of support, and of course time.  Perhaps the faith based community, as well, for the support and contact one needs when one is heartbroken.   Spirituality.  Physical exercise and fresh air.  Anti-depressants.  Anti-anxiety. Etc.  One has tools and options besides suicide.

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #22 on: September 05, 2014, 12:55:15 PM »
I have already prepared all my finances and accounts for suicide. Only those who have truly and unconditionally loved someone could understand.

This is manipulative and condescending to others.
We have all truly and unconditionally loved someone - at least most of us - and most of us have survived hideous breakups and heartbreak. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #23 on: September 05, 2014, 01:02:56 PM »
It seems you have a personality that can go with melodrama and so be it.
Just my input is, in situations like these, its best to muster up as much sang froid - composure - and rationality and practicality as possible.
Its only human in such situations that the emotions will overwhelm, but its best to try, really try, to be as calm, collected and matter-of-fact as possible.  Taking things day by day and sensibly.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline maxmarco

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #24 on: September 05, 2014, 01:22:24 PM »
You misinterpreted. My wife and I we keep separate finances. She is self-sufficient, won't need financial help, can't offer financial help, and I do not want her financial help. The only way my situation can affect her financially is if I don't pay my half of the rent. And the only way for me to get out of the financial shit-hole I put myself in is in myself. I may succeed, or not. Both are possibilities. There is a very significant reason why I had been close to suicide in the last year. Suicide is a personal choice that can be taken rationally. Even more so given that sometimes death can have significant financial benefits for other parties, which is my case. Guess you are right - I should not tell her about it if she wants to leave me. Just disappear and do it. Most people have not truly and unconditionally loved someone. Saying so is not condescending. If that offends then I apologize.
2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

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Offline zach

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #25 on: September 05, 2014, 01:47:53 PM »
settle down, mecch has given phenomenal advice, just take a step back and slow down

good luck telling your wife, thats the hardest thing you got going right now. then she gets tested, and thats when you pray to the virgin mary if it makes you feel better

she may well be negative, cross that bridge when you get there
I set into a downward spiral
Caught an illness that was literally viral
I heard some words of wisdom the other day
And they went in one ear and out the other one

I awoke from this beatific binge
With prismatic eyes, now lite is tinged
With all the vapors that the vile humans brew
Shining through the blight of you

Offline maxmarco

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #26 on: September 05, 2014, 01:51:24 PM »
You are right. Thank you mecch. And thank you all. Must be quite dense reading through my story.
2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

Max

Offline zach

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #27 on: September 05, 2014, 02:05:14 PM »
no no its ok, really. you're just in the middle of a storm right now, things will look different later... don't go doing anything rash and permanent, everything can be dealt with
I set into a downward spiral
Caught an illness that was literally viral
I heard some words of wisdom the other day
And they went in one ear and out the other one

I awoke from this beatific binge
With prismatic eyes, now lite is tinged
With all the vapors that the vile humans brew
Shining through the blight of you

Offline maxmarco

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #28 on: September 05, 2014, 02:36:25 PM »
Just been informed: visa interview in 12 days. So I will see her in 14 days. I pray and hope the 34 days delay between ELISA and telling her will have no effect in her health.

2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

Max

Offline mecch

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #29 on: September 05, 2014, 04:34:28 PM »
P.S. - ask around, ask people with HIV, ask social service agencies - find out exactly how many combos are available in your country.  It might be a question of the squeaky but polite and insistent wheel finding some access to drugs not generally available.

Seems to me there should be some generics with preferable molecules.

And I know even the latest drugs sometimes have radically different pricing depending on the country.  ("tiered pricing")

But maybe you have already checked this all out and the drug you are on is the one and only choice?


First - sorry Max - this post of mine wasn't even to you and I posted in mistakingly in this thread. Sorry!

Second - screwing up with unsafe drug use is forgivable.  Nothing is really unforgivable - it just's up to the 2 people involved.

Waiting a month from knowing yourself to tell her isn't going to mean anything for her health. You don't even know if she is HIV+.

My reactions were just based on this whole drama around your being suicidal and how that is something that seems to complicate your relationship.  Seems to be about more things than one HIV diagnosis and another HIV transmission fear.  Seems to be about finances and unemployment and something about immigration status too, but thats not so clear.

Try not to have ruminative thoughts over the next 2 weeks - i know, easy to say but hey.   

I think it would be just as well to announce over the phone what you are going through.  Then you don't have 2 weeks of hell.  And she can even go get a test and start processing this event over the 2 weeks as well.  You could have the news on her health and her reaction to your diagnosis, before you even arrive. So it might be a happy reunion, no matter what.  Depnding a lot on her situation and also how she reacts.  But thats me and Im not you so you have to stand in your truth.

« Last Edit: September 05, 2014, 04:36:30 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline maxmarco

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #30 on: September 05, 2014, 05:40:45 PM »
If you ever lose all your money and more in bad investments while having huge loans and while being unemployed, job that paid extremely well but from which you were wrongfully terminated without your well earned big bonus and without redundancy compensation but cannot sue, while at the same time having looked for jobs like mad (hundreds of very well prepared applications) and getting absolutely nothing aside of feedback about being over qualified or not specialized enough in this or that, and further to that you ask for help to senior powerful people in your network and all you receive is advice about you better consider starting your own business because you are overqualified and closer to forty ... and further to that you are forced to be apart from your partner .... if that day ever comes, maybe you too will consider suicide very seriously.

The only thing that kept me from it is knowing my wife is there, waiting for me.

And then this shit happened.

Yes this is about much more than just HIV. Being diagnosed + made me realize how much I still want to live and share with my wife, and how foolish I was to consider suicide due to my financial situation.

With my wife, not alone.
2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

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Offline mecch

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #31 on: September 05, 2014, 05:56:21 PM »
Well I wish you all the best for the couple - I hope the outcome is good for you and your wife with this HIV business.
As for the job, it might be a good idea to stop hitting your head against a brick wall and look for a job that you can get, even if it means a change of field.  Its horrible to go through such a long experience of being considered unemployable so it can help to be doing something everyday that returns good energy to the self-esteem. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #32 on: September 05, 2014, 05:59:46 PM »
I changed occupations a few times in my life. When I moved to switzerland my old occupation doesn't really exist in this country so I changed and never looked back. At least for me its better to be working than not working. I go nuts not working. Also usually industrious types - and you sound like one - they usually make a good show of it and are noticed quickly in a new field. So as I said, it returns a lot of good energy and you feel productive and appreciated.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #33 on: September 05, 2014, 06:00:41 PM »
If you ever lose all your money and more in bad investments while having huge loans and while being unemployed, job that paid extremely well but from which you were wrongfully terminated without your well earned big bonus and without redundancy compensation but cannot sue, while at the same time having looked for jobs like mad (hundreds of very well prepared applications) and getting absolutely nothing aside of feedback about being over qualified or not specialized enough in this or that, and further to that you ask for help to senior powerful people in your network and all you receive is advice about you better consider starting your own business because you are overqualified and closer to forty ... and further to that you are forced to be apart from your partner .... if that day ever comes, maybe you too will consider suicide very seriously.

The only thing that kept me from it is knowing my wife is there, waiting for me.

And then this shit happened.

Yes this is about much more than just HIV. Being diagnosed + made me realize how much I still want to live and share with my wife, and how foolish I was to consider suicide due to my financial situation.

With my wife, not alone.

Im hoping you stick around and do the work so that time can heal you ... I don't want to get in a pissing match about who has had it worse but if we did and if you consider what some of our members are going through right now you and I have it pretty good . I lost the things you say you lost and I made it through that time when HIV was not a treatable condition . If I can do it you can too because I am not special .

We are here for you and will offer support and we understand you are still coming to terms with you infection but you need to stiffen your resolve to take the hard times with good and push on in life or you will not fare well in life much less living it with HIV . 

This is the way it works ... we help and support you and then you get it together and pay it forward by doing the same for the next man or woman who come crashing in here . You need to plan on sticking around and making a difference for others during their time of crisis .
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Offline maxmarco

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #34 on: September 05, 2014, 08:51:46 PM »
Yes, who's had it worse, it doesn't matter. I'm sure many many more have had it worse. Even more in the earlier days when there was not even hope to live a healthy live anymore, no hope to live for much longer, and absolute uncertainty regarding medication. I'm sure many lost absolutely everything. That doesn't help make me feel good. Comparisons don't help. Lessons from the past help, but comparisons don't. If I get over this, then yes I'll feel for those who suffered more than me, and I'll try to help those in need. I'll give everything to help. And If I don't, then fuck it. I'll help by disappearing. We all have different lives, different backgrounds, experiences, expectations ... different limits. But we do have one thing in common: at the end we all end as dust anyway. We are on earth to make the best of our lives. Not simply to live.
2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

Max

Offline zach

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #35 on: September 05, 2014, 10:26:21 PM »
marco, thats some serious stress

i buried my youngest child, lets not play who sank lower brother. i've been down
I set into a downward spiral
Caught an illness that was literally viral
I heard some words of wisdom the other day
And they went in one ear and out the other one

I awoke from this beatific binge
With prismatic eyes, now lite is tinged
With all the vapors that the vile humans brew
Shining through the blight of you

Offline maxmarco

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #36 on: September 06, 2014, 04:24:13 PM »
It was not my intention to compare. I just got upset when accused of manipulative due to my suicidal intention. If I lose her I will have nothing left for to live, and both my wife and her family will be financially much better off if I die, for reasons I would rather not explain here. The first is subjective, the second a fact. So it could by that my intention if disclosed may affect her decision, I hadn't looked at it from that angle, but the raison d'etre was and is not to manipulate.

I would like to talk/chat to people who have lost it all. It could help me in my decision.
2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

Max

Offline mecch

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #37 on: September 06, 2014, 05:03:32 PM »
Is it debt that can't be erased by bankruptcy?  Have you spoken to lawyers about that issue?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline maxmarco

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #38 on: September 06, 2014, 09:22:47 PM »
Unfortunately it can't. One hundred percent sure.
2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

Max

Offline zach

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #39 on: September 06, 2014, 11:35:06 PM »
what is it you want us to say here marco? we're not going to condone suicide, are you fkn nuts man, no matter how bad your situation is, it can be worked out. possible to get yourself checked in for a psych eval for a few days. you're obviously ideating, you need people near you
I set into a downward spiral
Caught an illness that was literally viral
I heard some words of wisdom the other day
And they went in one ear and out the other one

I awoke from this beatific binge
With prismatic eyes, now lite is tinged
With all the vapors that the vile humans brew
Shining through the blight of you

Offline maxmarco

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #40 on: September 07, 2014, 12:39:19 AM »
Nothing my friend, nothing, I guess it just helps me to share.

You are the only ones I have shared with so far.
2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

Max

Offline mecch

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #41 on: September 07, 2014, 03:27:42 AM »
There are members here who have lost everything I am sure they can give you some perspective.

I think in the US the only debts that are exempt from bankruptcy are income taxes and student debt...

I will suggest this - sometimes in life we really need experts to give us the truth about a situation and then recommend ways to deal with a situation and "next steps".   So, finances, taxes, medical issues, legal, but also emotional and psychological and for some people spiritual. 

When I was overwhelmed the first time I was in a nasty office politics situation, in my early 20's, i felt like I was in a hurricane, being whacked about. My sister had experience in these matters and some older friends and they explained what was happening.  One time in my 30's I was caught up in a nasty working environment and the saviour was a "mediator" on call for anyone.  I consulted her and she really explained everything to me quite professionally and with an cool, expert outsiders perspective. She told me some things that I didnt want to be true and worse said they weren't going to change, even though they weren't fair, so my only options were adapting and protecting myself or quitting.

No one person has the wisdom and insight and cunning to deal with all the challenges life brings - that's why there are experts.

The problem is of course, not everyone has access to experts, or not all the time, or not the experts needed...  Its very unjust. 

Also, sometimes an expert is going to tell someone some bad news.  You know what I mean. where the outcomes and options and next steps are all pretty unfavourable and or anxiety making.  Ah life. 
« Last Edit: September 07, 2014, 03:30:43 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #42 on: September 07, 2014, 09:51:51 AM »
You can also go to the memorial thread for a list of people who have lost everything .
HIV 101 - Basics
HIV 101
You can read more about Transmission and Risks here:
HIV Transmission and Risks
You can read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
You can read more about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
HIV TasP
You can read more about HIV prevention here:
HIV prevention
You can read more about PEP and PrEP here
PEP and PrEP

Offline maxmarco

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #43 on: September 07, 2014, 10:44:42 AM »
Been reading the Introduce Yourself thread. So much pain and suffering. Powerful stories, many inspiring ones, some beyond sad. And such significant variance in the medical impact of HIV.

I see some are asymptomatic for 10 years.
Some are fine without meds for 20 years.
Some are healthy after 30 years.
While others go into AIDS in a year and a half.
or have a very low CD4 count months after infection.

I sense that few live healthy lives, that what its said about HIV being more of a chronic disease may be a feel good upbeat thing to say but not really true. I can see how it is so much better nowadays than 20-30 years ago but it still seems to be very tough. Unless one gets to be one of the few lucky ones.

My initial assessment may be wrong. I certainly hope so.
I have more reading to do ... insurance, meds, experiences of those newly diagnosed.
I decided I'm going to inform myself as well as possible in the next 10 days.
I don't want to share "it will be fine" if chances are it won't.
No sweetening the truth to my wife.

Something I wonder is if its possible to have HIV related health while having a high CD4 count and while not taking any meds. I do see that one can high a high CD4 count and health problems while on meds. Some side effects are serious enough to be a disease. I also wonder why is it so many people didn't start meds until being diagnosed with something serious already in the new millennium (when meds where supposed to be already good).
2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

Max

Offline mecch

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #44 on: September 07, 2014, 03:39:01 PM »
People start late because a few reasons - 1) they are diagnosed long after infection or 2) they are afraid of antivirals (like you seem to be) or 3) they are not in a psychological or financial place to adhere or 4) they are self destructive.

"I sense that few live healthy lives, that what its said about HIV being more of a "chronic disease may be a feel good upbeat thing to say but not really true. I can see how it is so much better nowadays than 20-30 years ago but it still seems to be very tough. Unless one gets to be one of the few lucky ones.

My initial assessment may be wrong. I certainly hope so.
"

Yes, you are wrong. 

For example there is evidence coming out of Britain that HIV+ people may have a longer life span than HIV- people, all said and done.

Also you can get a warped perception in this forum because this forum does not represent the full population of people living with HIV -- and many people experience it as but a blip either psychologically, health-wise, or both, and never feel the need for a forum support group.

You are having ruminative thoughts and furthermore, you have a fairly typical newly diagnosed person's fear of side effects that is not based on facts.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #45 on: September 07, 2014, 03:50:20 PM »
I don't think it will be helpful to your wife, or to your couple, to pesent worse case scenario HIV horror stories that may have no connexion to how you could experience living with HIV going forward.  HIV being a manageable disease is in no way a "sugar coated" fairy tale.

Though it may not be true, I have observed you have a perception of life and situations that is prone to the dramatic.

I highly advise you to be as composed as possible and take info from here and from you eventual HIV specialist about how its not so terribly difficult to live well with HIV.

Society doesnt like the virus or the people with it but now that you have it you are going to have to calm down eventually.
« Last Edit: September 07, 2014, 04:09:53 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline maxmarco

  • Member
  • Posts: 76
Re: Suicidal A*****e tested + after IV usage, dead worried for my wife
« Reply #46 on: September 07, 2014, 07:46:05 PM »
Yes, you've said that already. I have a tendency towards scenario analysis and projecting very far out, and I try to measure everything in terms of probabilities. I strive for objectivity. Everything is possible in my book, and death is at the end of everything. You may call that melodramatic.

The sad irony is for someone who believes everything is possible, I should have tested after injecting, I should have tested after getting into a bloody fight with bouncers who live among prostitutes, and I should have tested six months after my last risky sexual encounter (I had had clear symptoms after all). No matter how low the probabilities. But it didn't even cross my mind.

Everything is possible, but changing the irreversible. If I infected my wife, that's irreversible. And whatever the outcome, I am an a**hole. I think people who give HIV to their partners deserve a death sentence, or jail at least. I can think of very few valid excuses for "I didn't know". You may call that melodramatic as well. But it would be another way to terminate with the HIV epidemic. Somebody could even make a movie about this. It would horrify half the world, and would attract a lot of attention.

I have no fear of antivirals, not yet at least. I don't know enough about them. All I know about meds I've learned in the last few days (not even weeks) on this site. Was not even aware of HIV medication having side-effects.

Now time fore more research and less useless philosophical babbling from my side!

Thanks
2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

Max

Offline Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 17,062
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #47 on: September 07, 2014, 08:01:27 PM »
Yes, you've said that already. I have a tendency towards scenario analysis and projecting very far out, and I try to measure everything in terms of probabilities. I strive for objectivity. Everything is possible in my book, and death is at the end of everything. You may call that melodramatic.

The sad irony is for someone who believes everything is possible, I should have tested after injecting, I should have tested after getting into a bloody fight with bouncers who live among prostitutes, and I should have tested six months after my last risky sexual encounter (I had had clear symptoms after all). No matter how low the probabilities. But it didn't even cross my mind.

Everything is possible, but changing the irreversible. If I infected my wife, that's irreversible. And whatever the outcome, I am an a**hole. I think people who give HIV to their partners deserve a death sentence, or jail at least. I can think of very few valid excuses for "I didn't know". You may call that melodramatic as well. But it would be another way to terminate with the HIV epidemic. Somebody could even make a movie about this. It would horrify half the world, and would attract a lot of attention.

I have no fear of antivirals, not yet at least. I don't know enough about them. All I know about meds I've learned in the last few days (not even weeks) on this site. Was not even aware of HIV medication having side-effects.

Now time fore more research and less useless philosophical babbling from my side!

Thanks

You are coming very close to flame bait with more than a few of your statements here . I am going to ask you to self moderate or I will be happy to do it for you .
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Offline maxmarco

  • Member
  • Posts: 76
Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #48 on: September 07, 2014, 08:04:36 PM »
My apologies. I understand. Should I edit out?
2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

Max

Offline maxmarco

  • Member
  • Posts: 76
Re: Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide
« Reply #49 on: September 07, 2014, 08:07:46 PM »
Well can't edit out as you quoted me. Feel free to edit out for me. Not sure which part but I guess its my death sentence comments. Sorry for the hassle. Will try to restrain myself from now on.
2007-2014   Infection
2014-08-15   Diagnose
2014-08-27   CD4 85 (11%), VL 21600
2014-09-14   Bactrim and Azithromycin
2014-09-24   CD4 350 (25%), VL 32000
2014-09-26   Stribild
2014-09-29   Identify Bactrim Allergy
2014-10-02   Receive 9/24 results, stop antitbiotics
2014-10-25   CD4 580, VL 40

Max

 


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