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Author Topic: WOW, how do I deal???  (Read 2102 times)

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Offline CancerFreeButNowHIV

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  • Posts: 9
WOW, how do I deal???
« on: August 16, 2014, 03:45:23 AM »

Got my test results today... CD4 400 VL 8000 Doc said he believes I was infected about 2 years ago, May or June 2012. I was in Thailand and had started a relationship with another Teacher, he is from Africa. We used condoms, but I can't honestly say it was 100% of the time. I went to Thailand to regroup, heal and find self love again after my double mastectomy. Looking back and finding posts about my journey in Thailand, I found a period of time in July through August that I was VERY sick. My Dr. said this is when he believe I was seroconversion... Numerous visits to the clinic and hospital, TONS of antibiotics and 8 penicillin injections in a 10 day period. The doctors were puzzled and could not figure out why I was not responding to the meds... eventually I was feeling better and I chalked it all up to being in a foreign country that has very poor sanitation, our school didn't even have running water and the kids were all sick all the time too...

I haven't talked to my former boyfriend in over a year, now knowing he is most likely how I was infected. I need to try to contact him and tell him, but I don't know what to say or how to tell him... I am so scared. I had been a regular blood donor and was definitely negative when I went to Thailand. The only 2 options for infection would be from him or from a tattoo I got around the same time in June 2012. But the likely hood of it being from the tattoo is very remote.

I can't seem to get my emotions in check... I cry uncontrollably, I am so angry, I feel so embarrassed and ashamed, I feel hopeless, and very alone. I think that is what scares me most... being alone for the rest of my life because I can't imagine having to tell someone that I am HIV+

I've only been home a few weeks and I am desperately searching for a new job... but I find myself distracted during interviews... what if they find out? Who would hire or keep a HIV Teacher? My mind is going a million miles a min, I am exhausted but can't sleep. I am scared to shave my legs, I went and bought extra soft toothbrushes for fear of brushing my teeth to hard and causing my gums to bleed. If I have an itch I think about this virus running through my body... I KNOW THIS IS ALL SILLY, BUT IT IS ALL CONSUMING AND I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD.

I've looked for support groups for straight HIV+ women in my area, but can not find anything... I asked my church what type of health support groups do they offer, nothing. I have no one to relate to and  all the info seems to only be geared for gay men... 

I don't know what to do, where to go, or how to deal with all this... If I don't get a job ASAP then what? How will I get the meds I need?

I am overwhelmed, lost and alone.

Offline CancerFreeButNowHIV

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  • Posts: 9
Re: WOW, how do I deal???
« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2014, 03:49:57 AM »
Sorry... I did not mean to post this twice.

Offline DrewEm

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  • Posts: 67
Re: WOW, how do I deal???
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2014, 03:16:18 AM »
   Sadly, many still view HIV/AIDS as a "gay male" problem even though statistically women, and women of color especially, are the largest growing infected group. I wish I could offer some better assistance than the oft heard "we're here." Myself, I'm not a good relationship guy - I'm highly independent and I rarely expose my emotions. But, unlike me, there are others here who can sympathize, you may even draw out some lurkers to post. Via sharing we all gain perspective and strength.


Offline Poppy33

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  • Posts: 73
Re: WOW, how do I deal???
« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2014, 08:22:51 AM »
On how I been where u are. Trust & believe it gets better.


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