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Author Topic: HIV & Sex Life...what do I do?  (Read 1210 times)

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Offline almar68

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  • Posts: 5
HIV & Sex Life...what do I do?
« on: August 07, 2014, 08:04:12 AM »
Hey to all,

I live in greece and tested poz in the beginning of June.  My only support -other than my drs here - is a gf in the states.  I would not dare tell any of the people I know here - discrimination is huge. 

Asides from the other issues, how about the sex question?  Do I go celibate?  What do I do when I meet someone - say through a dating-app?  Do we have sex?  Telling them of my status is out of the question....


Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: HIV & Sex Life...what do I do?
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2014, 08:30:21 AM »
1) Is it legal or illegal in Greece to have sex with no disclosure?

2) Do onto others as you would....  etc.  When you were HIV-, would you have preferred a disclosure from an HIV+ partner before sex?   What is your personal ethics on this topic, now?

Why is telling someone with whom you want to do something really intimate, "out of the question?"  Interrogate that a little bit for yourself.

Is the "gf" a lover - someone you have sex with?  If so, you managed to disclose to her.  So?  What makes other people less eligible for a disclosure?  Stigma?  That's kind of lame, in my opinion.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline almar68

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Re: HIV & Sex Life...what do I do?
« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2014, 08:51:09 AM »
Hi Mecch,

thanks for your reply.

My gf is just a female friend - sort of like a sister and she is my rock in this whole new aspect of my life.

1) With respect to legal or illegal - i am not quite sure about it in greece / or european law - will I guess have to look into it.

2) for decades I have volunteered and assisted in HIV prevention and helped people living with AIDS...which goes to tell you how stupid I felt when in a weakness period in my life (got dumped by my partner after 13 years) - I became careless.  So, my point being, I knew the struggles of HIV+ men, and hence I took protections myself - did not wait to be told.  Other STDs aside, the reason we practice safe sex, wear condoms, is because we automatically have to assume that the other person is poz, hence we take all possible measures.  So, I did not require that I be told.  I even had a brief relationship at a time with an HIV+ guy on medications - and was ok after that.

And dont be ready to judge "stigma" as "lame" when you yourself do not live in a place where you can severely be stigmatized, beaten up and left alone.  I hear even some of the people I know talking about those aids people and "keep them away" - and I mean people in the gay community.  Even being gay is problematic and still face loosing my job due to it.

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: HIV & Sex Life...what do I do?
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2014, 09:07:50 AM »
Lets clarify that I don't think you are lame but rather the rationalisation is weak - lame. Also I'm not denying stigma exists.
The 1) question I asked - legality - you need to find the answer and take it into account in your modus operandi.
The 2) questions were turning your thread back on you - encouraging you to figure out your ethics about disclosure. 
There are plenty of gay men -- HIV+ and HIV- -- who do not ask such a question before one-off hook-ups.  As you know!
I personally am not giving anyone grief or judgement on that, rest assured.
The glitch for me is - over my life, one-offs have turned into lovers, in my experience. My personal ethics is that a lover must know and usually it works out best if they know pretty early on.  Like you I had HIV+ lovers when I was HIV- and I'm glad they told me. Also happened that a lover lied about his HIV status point blank, to my face, and my trust was ruined in this person when the lie was revealed.
Since you are new to being HIV+, it will probably take time to come to a personal ethics on this that you feel good about and also you'll have to deal with some disclosures and see how they go.  You might be seeing it as worst case scenario. Also you are dumping not necessarily related fears into this.   Its rational to be worried about gossip but at the end of the day you do have HIV and you are going to have to tell a sex partner or 2 or 3 eventually. It is what it is.
I live in Switzerland and told everyone socially although I did have worries that could bleed into my professional life, after years I see it did not, or it did and people just kept their traps shut because its two different worlds.

If you have hateful people in your gay community, what a pity. Avoid those losers.

Don't let society cow you.  It will not help - cause you have to rid yourself of your personal stigma. 

If it's "out of the question" for you to disclose to partners and you want a sex life that means you will be eventually faced with a disclosure when you want to turn a fuckbud into  lover, right? So there it is.  You can't wish it away.

And anyway, not EVERY one off was question free in my experience. So what am I going to do if a trick asks me, "are you negative?".  Lie, with my pants down? Its lame.
« Last Edit: August 07, 2014, 09:16:01 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx


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