Dilemma Partner hide poz status for five years

[Tony Johnson]

I discovered this week by accident that my partner since 2009 was hiv+,   I asked at the beginning of our relationship if he had anything and he said he didn't. We never used condoms at any point during our relationship.  After confronting my partner he divulged that he was hiv+ since 1993, he said that he avoided telling me because on two prior occasions when he revealed his status the people  were no longer interested in continuing a relationship.  He felt that i would leave him if he divulged his status.  I told him that five years is a long time to withold this information, he stated there was never a right time to say anything, and that he was undetectable and i was not in danger.  We are in the process of relocating from New York to Chicago and have already moved  some things to Chicago.  I took a rapid test and the results came back negative.  I can handle  his poz status, but the deception and dishonesty is hard for me to process.  I've never seen him take medication in 5 years at all.  He stated that hiding his status took an emotional toll on him.  Im wondering if it is possible to over come this level of deception and continue a relationship or should i  just move on.  I love him but, I feel like I've lived with a stranger for five years.  Any advice would be appreciated

[mecch]

A moderator will move your post to the right section - "Someone I Care About has HIV".

I suppose you realise you are going to have to search within yourself for the answer.

I can say that in the 90s, and when I was HIV-, I discovered a bf had been lying and hiding his status. There were deliberate lies, and sustained hiding.  We had safe sex, and I did not get HIV from him and theoretically there was no risk because we had safe sex.  Still, I couldn't get over the deception and left him. Thats the answer I found in myself.

IMO, and look I don't know you and I don't know your bf, right, IMO, his justifications and rationalisations for his lie and deception are selfish and self-serving. Particularly lame is the "there was never a right time".   

I believe most humans act rather often in self-interest and I suppose we have all at some time put our own interests above others, even our beloved, or our family.

It might just come down to you deciding how much you can tolerate, or forgive, or not.

[eric48]

Technically speaking, someone used that expression which I pretty much like:

 is "undetectable" then the new "negative"?

http://www.thebody.com/content/74641/when-push-comes-to-shove--how-far-would-you-go-to-.html

Your Bf has done the right thing  (be on treatment and UD) to protect your health
He may have done the right thing to protect your relationship, I don't know...

That virus is a pretty hard thing to manage (socially, emotionally, ...)

For many people (unfortunatly not all...) it is also very invisible and intangible, after many years of treatment, it has become invisible. Maybe even an OraQuick may come back neg (there is an explanation about this in the Oraquick label) for him

He stated that hiding his status took an emotional toll on him.

This is most likely true and, strangely enough, you may want to give him credit for that

I hope you will find a win win arrangement

Eric

[mecch]

Eric, why are you so hung up on undetectability as the new negative!!

The very latest research says that in fact there still is a very small risk of transmission in sero-discordant couples. 

The Swiss Statement, I believe, has been nullified.

Secondly, where on earth did you get the idea that an undetectable HIV+ person will evade an HIV test, and what has it got to do with the poster's dilemma, anyway. nothing!

How can you rationalise a LIE as doing the "right thing".   

Whatever. 

[mecch]

I don't understand the reasoning where an HIV+ person tells an HIV- person who is upset about a big deception in a long-term couple, that "undetectable" is just like being negative.... 

Geez when your beloved asks you an important question like that, you respond honestly.

HIV- people have the right to make up their own minds what to do based on complete and honest information....

Is there a debate about this?  I think not.

[Joe K]

Technically speaking, someone used that expression which I pretty much like:

 is "undetectable" then the new "negative"?

http://www.thebody.com/content/74641/when-push-comes-to-shove--how-far-would-you-go-to-.html

Your Bf has done the right thing  (be on treatment and UD) to protect your health
He may have done the right thing to protect your relationship, I don't know...

That virus is a pretty hard thing to manage (socially, emotionally, ...)

For many people (unfortunatly not all...) it is also very invisible and intangible, after many years of treatment, it has become invisible. Maybe even an OraQuick may come back neg (there is an explanation about this in the Oraquick label) for him

He stated that hiding his status took an emotional toll on him.

This is most likely true and, strangely enough, you may want to give him credit for that

I hope you will find a win win arrangement

Eric

Eric,

This is possibly one of the worst replies I have ever read on this forum.  Not only are you not helping the OP, but you are making statements that are simply not true.  Undetectable is NOT the new negative, as there is still a chance of passing the virus.  Also, lying to your partner, regarding your status, is still lying and is not the right thing to do.  Lastly, no matter what you may think, once you are positive, you will test positive for the rest of your life.

A few of your posts have already been removed, due to your inaccurate statements to other members.  From now one, I am going to ask that you make it clear, that your comments reflect your OPINIONS only and not to present your comments as being based on any reliable science.

I will be watching you, because you are not adding to the forums, rather you are misleading members with information that can be downright dangerous.

Joe

[phoenix]

 Tony     For me trust lost is not easily found again. For me being open and honest with my partner and him with me is the cornerstone of our relationship.    What ever you decide to do, forgive him if only for your sake.  Only you know how much your willing to put up with.  Wishing you all the best.