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Author Topic: Need advice/help asap  (Read 2896 times)

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Offline tippytu

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  • Posts: 125
Need advice/help asap
« on: May 16, 2014, 01:58:08 PM »
My ex husband who knows about me being hiv + is threatening to tell my work & all my family & friends because I am pressing child support on him.. What can I do? Or should I do? I am sooo stressed now

Offline zach

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Re: Need advice/help asap
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2014, 03:32:06 PM »
circle wagons, quick and tight. go to a police station, ask about what the local laws are that may come into play.... cease and desist, restraining order, i'd even run threat up the pole and see if it flies

where are pressing him? if there is a pending support case, immediately contact the sitting judge. they don't like when parties play outside of court

odds are though, it goes down, you won't stop him or punish him for it. by all means protect yourself, but also start to put yourself in the headspace of what you're going to do when those people find out.

maybe even cut him off (don't take this advice) tell everyone before he does, own it
I set into a downward spiral
Caught an illness that was literally viral
I heard some words of wisdom the other day
And they went in one ear and out the other one

I awoke from this beatific binge
With prismatic eyes, now lite is tinged
With all the vapors that the vile humans brew
Shining through the blight of you

Offline Dan0

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Re: Need advice/help asap
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2014, 04:32:07 PM »
Is this the only leverage that he has?  If not for your fear that he is going to tell the world, is there anything else that he could have up his sleeve or is this his trump card? 

If it is, then he is probably already thinking that when this is spent, the only thing standing between him and a very upset ex-spouse is....well.....NOTHING.  Is he really willing to stake his day in court on petty vengence? I'm going to guess not, but you obviously know him better. 

I think we have all lived with the fear of someone being told or our being 'outed' to the population.  We live in fear and panic and then when it happens (although not on a grand of scale as you describe), it's almost liberating (almost).  Still annoying as hell that it was done in such a manner but once the bell is run it can't be unrung. If you have a lawyer, I would give him a head's up.  If not, like Zach said, own it.  There isn't a lot of reason that can be talked into an unreasonable person.
"Honey, you should never ask advice from a drunk drag queen who has a show to do." - JG

06/2002 DX
10/2006 Atripla UD
10/2013 Stribild Still UD
04/2016 Genvoya UD

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Need advice/help asap
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2014, 04:53:13 PM »
Its saddens me that this kind of blackmail using the ugly stigma of HIV as a tool to get what he wants can cause you so much pain .

In a perfect world we wouldn't have this to deal with but we are still not there yet in some community's where we live and its true for some of us that disclosure can do real harm  . If you are in danger of loosing a job or being harmed I can understand how terrifying this is for you ... but it angers me that stigma can be used in this manner . If all you have to lose is a secret I would tell him that he holds no power over you and let him show what he is to the world ... despicable .

If he follows through it will not reflect well on him in court because as the saying goes, god don't like ugly and in this case a judge will not either . 

I know telling the truth about someone is not against the law but I am not sure if using a private matter like this as leverage to get out of child support is a crime ... if not it should be . If its legal to record him threatening you I would do it . In some states in not legal to record conversation's without consent .

I'm wishing you the best .   
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Offline tippytu

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Re: Need advice/help asap
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2014, 05:10:50 PM »
Yes this getting out will affect my job! I work in healthcare! I also live in a very small town..

He isn't threatening to tell the judge he's just threatening to tell my job, my friends, my family..yes this is the only leverage he has on me..

He is currently living with & dating a very close (well she is no longer) relative of mine...he continues to make my life miserable even after I've divorced him...I just can't take this stress it is killing me

Offline Joe K

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Re: Need advice/help asap
« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2014, 06:55:20 PM »
If you can talk with someone from a legal aid group.  If nothing else, tell the judge what he is threatening to do, because it is extortion.  He is threatening to release personal information regarding you, unless you stop the child support proceedings and that's extortion.  I would contact the Clerk of the Court immediately and tell them what he has threatened to do.  I don't think you need a lawyer in family court and certainly not to present further information to the judges clerk.


Offline Denver Toad

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Re: Need advice/help asap
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2014, 08:10:21 PM »
"The regrets of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow can kill you."
Liza Minnelli     

Years ago I was in the same shoes as you are in now. Dealing with an ex that had me by the throat with a secret I was determined to keep. The harder I worked keeping my HIV secret the greater the stranglehold I gave her over me. While I didn't live/work in a small town my circle of friends/family/work was just as important to me as yours is. The secret of my HIV infection was the only thing she had left with which to control me, use me, abuse me, and threaten me with. My regrets of yesterday; how I became infected and the drug usage that had facilitated the lifestyle when I became infected. My fear of tomorrow; I was terrified I would be judged, ostracized, laughed at and rejected if my secret was exposed. Keeping things secret became more work then the thing I was trying to keep secret. Depression, overwhelming sadness, loneliness, the belief I was victimized, and a thoroughly shitty self image were the hallmarks of my existence. It wasn't until I began to get over of my fear of being revealed did I begin to eliminate the power the secret held over me.

Tippy it's a difficult truth, but one you need to come to grips with, that all your ex needs to do is share with one person and your secret is out there. If he's as conniving as you make him out to be there's nothing at all you can do to stop him. You can't control your ex, or his actions, no matter how dearly you may wish otherwise.

What you can control is how you manage disclosure. Empower yourself rather then give your ex the power of a secret over you. At the moment you can get ahead of him. You can selectively take away his leverage. Share with a family member you trust. Speak with your supervisor. Choose a friend you can share with. It's not easy to share with another for the first time or two. As difficult as it may be, selective sharing is less work than keeping a secret under the duress of exposure.

Beat your ex at his own game. If he does go viral on you, sorry I couldn't resist, he could end up looking petty and vindictive.

Hang in there Tippy, keep us appraised with the latest. There's a wealth of experience here and I'll guarantee someone has walked the same path as you.

The regrets of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow can kill you. Well said Liza...

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

Offline pittman

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Re: Need advice/help asap
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2014, 11:36:32 PM »
I am unaware of any law that would prevent him from telling others. HIPPA is for those providing you medical care and related services.

However, him saying that he would tell unless you withdraw requests for child support is in fact against the law, as it is blackmail/extortion. If you have that in writing/email/txt from him, have witnesses, or have a legally obtained recording, then it will not go well for him before a judge. If your have not already, you need to disclose to your own lawyer and let him/her know what is going on so that they can advise you. They are a professional acting in your interest. You need to get them all the facts.

Offline tippytu

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Re: Need advice/help asap
« Reply #8 on: May 17, 2014, 12:05:41 AM »
I don't have a lawyer. I have never used a lawyer in my entire life. All our child support issues have been handled by the state..I have told 2 family members (one of which is now dating my ex!) & I've told a few close friends

I can't just talk toy supervisor it's a healthcare job & I'm not sure it would go over well

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Need advice/help asap
« Reply #9 on: May 17, 2014, 12:48:47 AM »
Catch him in the blackmail, if possible.
Furthermore, tell him to his face that he is a cad for not wanting to support and love his child, and a big baby for trying to blackmail you. He is confusing his anger or bitterness about you, with his obligations as a father.
Tell him he should be a man and assume his responsibilities for his child.  Tell him besides that, you want nothing to do with him and he can do what he wants. If he is going to "ruin your life" don't let him have the negative energy satisfaction.  Blackmail is evil energy from a person in a very horrible place in life. Its so low. Dont give him ANY power over you no matter what he does.  Catch him in the blackmail. Let the court /state pronounce his responsibility to his kid. if he outs you about HIV, tell all the people he tells, what a mega black hole of energy he is, and that you pity him and have cut off his power to hurt you.  Your job must be protected, no? 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline emeraldize

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Re: Need advice/help asap
« Reply #10 on: May 17, 2014, 06:01:48 AM »

I side strongly with Joe's advice. And, do NOT go to the police. That will get you nowhere but "out" with an agency that cannot serve you in this matter.

I'll see if I can find a guy's name I had years ago who was not only a lawyer but well-versed in HIV-related law.  I believe he did pro bono work.

Hang tough and quiet for a while. You are dealing with a bully.


Offline emeraldize

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Re: Need advice/help asap
« Reply #11 on: May 17, 2014, 07:01:48 AM »
Just an additional bit of info. I've written to this man to see if he's still involved in such work or whom he might recommend for some legal advice for you. I'll send you a PM if I am successful. It might take a couple days for a reply.

Offline harleymc

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Re: Need advice/help asap
« Reply #12 on: May 22, 2014, 09:32:11 PM »
Tippy your ex is an idiot. If he runs around telling randoms that his ex wife is HIV positive it will be assumes that he is the one who infected you. He'll soon learn what stigma is. Also he family court won't be too impressed with his behavior.

Health care has protocols for what HIV+ people can and can't do. You'll be OK at work too, unless you were doing something you are not permitted by law or regulation to do.

Get over your lawyer-phobia, there are plenty who do pro-bono (volunteer) cases, give yourself the certainty their advice brings.


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