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Author Topic: My story so far about the impact of HIV  (Read 1902 times)

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Offline Bishop117

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My story so far about the impact of HIV
« on: December 05, 2013, 02:47:05 AM »
I would just like to take the time to pause and remember just how I got to this place that I am at in life because of HIV and all it has done and truely taken away from my life.

In August of 2006 I met a beautiful and loving man named Stephen who became my boyfriend rather quickly.  We both loved eachother and we were both into the PnP scene.  We did meth together and loved being with eachother.  However there was one problem to our situation...  I lived in the upper panhandel region of Texas whereas, he lived in Waco Texas.  for a few months we would take turns seeing eachother by travel.  I would go see him then, he would come see me next time etc.  Then things became more progressive as we continued to fall in love.  So much that I moved to waco to move in with him so we could see eachother more than what we were.  During my move across the state his friend Stacy helped me move.  Stacy was an older gentelman that was also gay with a partner of 33 years.  Stacy was HIV+ and his BF Sam was HIV-.  They, over time became my gay "parents" so to speak.  We all got along great after my move and we always did doubledates and crap like that.  Everything was going great for all four of us and I seemed to be happy with my life for the first time in a long time. 

However, with all good things must come the inevitable and cruel end.  As I said earlier me and Stephen were into the PnP scene with meth being the star of that party.  Well as time went on things began to detriorate at a rapid and chaotic pace.  Starting with the use of other drugs that Stephen started doing and not telling me.  Then came the other men he started fucking around with as well as money problems and all that other fun BS that comes with the package.  So after the fall from grace we took I moved out and Sam and Stacy were there to help me after all of it.  They took me in and helped me get back home.  Even after I left Waco we still remained in close contact.  I even took other trips to waco for short periods t o visit them and help Sam take care of Stacy because his health from having HIV was getting very bad and showing no signs of getting better anytime soon.  Sam did everything to take care of his baby Stacy.  I mean EVERYTHING!  They truely loved eachother and their conviction and dedication to one another truely inspired me and the endearing quality they had made me try to seek that kind of love some day. 

In may of 2008 Sam died of sudden heart failure in his sleep holding the man he loved.  This tragic event tore Stacy apart and no one could do anything to really make things better.  He had no next of kin, no family left alive other than him to help him.  Me and a close friend of Stacies tried as hard as we could to fill sams shoes by helping him however it was a losing battle. 

In early July Stacy committed suicid by taking himself off of Dialisis and chose to die a natural death from his ailments.  This truely hurt me and broke me down for a while  However I now understand that he missed his lover and he knew that there wasn't much hope for him despite those left to love him.  I still miss them both to this day.  I helped them with AIDS awareness and even spoke on Stacy's behalf at World AIDS Day Waco and dedicated a poem I wrote to him for all he and Sam did for me. 

I nevr got to go back to Waco to say goodbye nor to b eable to pay my final respects because of being a full time college student and focusing on my degree in Advanced Technology made it hard both physiclly and financially to go do so.

In January of 2007 I meet a new BF and we were together for 6 1/2 years.  Up untill November of 2012 at least.  We had a bad break up cause he left me for 17 year old kids and decided that the new younger models were more his style.  Which both hhur and severly PISSED me off.  Months went by and I cleaned up my act too being clean off of drugs for 4 years.  I cleaned up warrants I had and did the right thing to better my life.  In Late september I started getting a very harsh burning felling in my lower chest that became more and more severe.  I was fatigued all the time,  didn't want ot eat much, lost almost 30 LBS.  in just 2 weeks.  The birning in my chet then became  a whole chest pain and on October 1st of 2013 I was having breathing issues.  Now I have always been an Asthmatic, so I took my breathing treatments and it made it fell better. 

October 3rd I was having even more trouble brathing, Migrains that hurt like hell, sweating, vomiting for no reason at all and my blood pressure was lower than normal.  My sister, who is a nurse, asked me if I wanted to go to the ER and get some help.  Yet, being a stubborn Taurus that I am said no I'll see how I do with sleep  and go from there.  That night at 3 am in the morning I woke up almost completly unable to breathe at all.  I was panting really cause I was so desperate for air.  My chest felt like an alien was inside me about to burst out and say hi!  My head was about to explode.  I was hot as hell and sweating like Niagra falls.  I was in so much pain that I couldn't sit up nor could I turn my body over to reach my phone to call 911 for help.  All I could do was throw the nearest objects on my nightstand at the wall to wake my sister up and come yell at me for being loud.  which it worked and I rode an ambulance all the way to the hospital.  My blood pressure was so low that i didn't even know it could go that low.  My pulse Ox was at 82, Resp. Rate was at 53 and my pulse was dropping fast. 

I spent 9 days in the hospital and 4 of those days was me in Critical condition.  My lungs were on the verge of colapsing because of PCP.  I also then found out the next morning high as a kite on morphine and Luratabs by my doctor to break the news to me that I tested positive for HIV and that my CD4 was at 43.  To sweeten the pot of awesome infections I had xrays and CT Scans done as well as having my pupils dialated and blinded by bright cameras to discover that I also had CMV in the left and right eyes. 

After extensive treatment and everything they did to me during my hospital stay I was better.  However even thoug hI am on pills for the CMV the damage will cause me to lose my sight in my left eye.  My right eye should be ok.  My CD4 dropped however at my first TAC clinic from 43 to 22 even on meds.  but  I still try in this darkest hour of my life to  find some tiny strand of hope to hold on to.

On november 2nd I was hospitalized again for 3 days because i contracted Hep. B and I had a severe reaction to the Sulfa drugs they had me on to treay the PCP while out of the hospital.  I also learned that I am a non-respnder to the HBV Vaccine and the Twinrec vaccine.  Which means I am screwed on getting rid of the chronic Hep b. 

I now find myself walking a similar path to what Stacy had t o go through and I feel in some form that I have let them down because of all this mess going on.  I have nightmares about dying.  nightmares about suicide, even though I dont actually want to commit suicied.  they just haunt me.  I feel like there is a clock over my head counting down and I can't get all of these negative daughnting thoughts out of my head.
The brightest day always ends in the blackest night.

Offline Ann

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Re: My story so far about the impact of HIV
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2013, 06:32:47 AM »
You are not necessarily going to have the same (or similar) experience as Stacy did - it sounds as though he was what we term a "Long Term Survivor", meaning someone who was diagnosed before the advent of HAART in 1996. This usually means they have taken some of the earlier hiv meds, which all too often cause permanent damage that an LTS has to deal with to this day.

The new meds are different and while I appreciate you're going through a tough time now, many of your problems should reverse as the meds get your virus under control. Including your sight problems.

If you end up with chronic hep B, one of the hiv meds can control that as well. It's emtricitabine, one of the meds in Truvada. I see from one of your earlier posts that you're already on Truvada, so hep B is already covered for you.

My heart goes out to you, but I have to say I'm surprised you weren't tested ages ago when you "helped them [Sam and Stacy] with AIDS awareness and even spoke on Stacy's behalf at World AIDS Day". Did Sam and Stacy never encourage you to test regularly? A large part of "AIDS Awareness" is getting people to test, and test regularly.

Hang in there. Believe it or not, things will get better, although it may take time, patience and a dedication to your health and taking all your meds, every day, as prescribed. We've come a long way treatment-wise since the 1990s.

In fact, I would like to encourage you to change your signature line from "The brightest day always ends in the blackest night." to: "It's always darkest before the DAWN." I have every confidence that you will get better, and a positive, "I CAN do this!" attitude will help.

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Bishop117

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Re: My story so far about the impact of HIV
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2013, 05:21:20 PM »
i did get HIV tested and I can confirm through medical records that on November of 2011 I had an HIV negative result.  I should have got tested again after that but life got crazy and I did not do it.  that is on me but it is what it is.  as for the hep b I do have chronic hep b.  I had it for a while and didn't know it nor did it show up on labs until the 2nd.  I was told my my new doctor that I am a nonreaponder tho the hbv vaccine because my shot records show I had it before.  I did not however know that the truvada treats the hep b.  so that's a huge relief for me on that end.  I also got the twinrec vaccine for hep a and b.  because I never got my hep a when I was younger for some odd reason.
The brightest day always ends in the blackest night.

Offline Theyer

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Re: My story so far about the impact of HIV
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2013, 02:09:21 PM »
Hi Bishop, I,ve not a lot to say apart from you told a sad ,tragic story that I am sure all off us will find something in it that rings bells. My heart like Ann,s was is touched. My guess is there will be rich relationships for you in the future , so strength to you ,all the best , and keep posting .

"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn


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