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Author Topic: Freaking out and scared.  (Read 4730 times)

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Offline positivelyscared313

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Freaking out and scared.
« on: November 08, 2013, 07:02:39 AM »
I found out I was Poz on 23 Oct 2013. I went to the doctor due to a soar throat, swollen gland in neck. I requested a full STD test including HIV because  the guy I dated previously called and told me he had a "skin Infection" and I should get checked out. seemed fishy to me, ya know. I thought I'd come out syphilis- then BOOM...
I took it well as possible. No tears, screaming or punching. The next day, I went to an ID clinic. Of course they said all the things they would typically say to an infected person. I'm thinking man just tell me how long do I have...
I know that there have been some great accomplishments in treatment, but in my mind, I see scenes from Philadelphia, pics of Rock Hudson. I remember the ridicule...years ago, a friend had a friend w/ HIV. I can remember her bleaching the toilets, giving her disposable cups and flatware. This was back in the nineties. I don't want that. I have decided not to tell any of my family or friends. If they knew, they will slowly distance themselves from me. My in laws would try to take my child(10 y/o) away- as if I am putting her at risk.
I am just so pissed. pissed at myself- pissed for letting someone have this control over me. The person who infected me will not admit they are infected. I said I would wait for the Health department to contact me (ID said they would be calling me) so I can give them their name. I just don't want anyone else to get infected. It is not fair. This may not prevent him form doing this to anyone else- but at least he'd be on record.
I cannot worry about that now...I rcvd a call from the ID nurse who said I have a very healthy immune system- did not give any numbers. I want to know. She has not returned my calls re: my FMLA paperwork- that she suggested I get in case I need to go to an appointment and needed the day off. I just do not know what to do.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I see the letters H I V traveling through my veins. When I see blood, I see Infectious, death. I wonder If people can tell I have HIV  by looking at me. I constantly ask myself- can they tell.
I felt so fatigued for the last couple of weeks. I was unable to eat. I still find it a little hard. I have to force myself to eat. I still take my vitamins- multi, d, c, and fish oil. I stopped Echinacea because I read that it can cause the virus to multiply(?). I find myself crying off and on, thinking how I will never be in another relationship again. I will never have another life partner. Who is going to want to mess with me- to deal with this? Most of all, I am angry at myself, I knew better, and now it is possible I may not see my daughter walk across the stage to get her diploma-degree-marriage. I have dealt her the short end of the stick. I suck. if it was not for her, I would be dead. I would have killed myself after finding out I was poz- eventually. If she wasn't here........
Sorry if too long. Thank you for allowing me to rant/vent. I found this site the day I rcvd the news- it has been very helpful knowing there are people who have lived and continue living with this disease.
Thanks for sharing.
More to come...

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Freaking out and scared.
« Reply #1 on: November 08, 2013, 07:22:16 AM »
Hi PS, welcome to the forums.

I have to ask - are you a woman? The women's forum is for women only. Sometimes guys don't realise that.

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline positivelyscared313

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Re: Freaking out and scared.
« Reply #2 on: November 08, 2013, 08:59:43 AM »
Yes, I am a woman

Offline Sweet_C

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Re: Freaking out and scared.
« Reply #3 on: November 08, 2013, 08:30:18 PM »
positivelyscared ((((HUGS))))  I"m so sorry you find yourself here.  I was touched by your story because you found out in a similar way as I did.  I have been living with HIV for over 5 years now.  I found out because I suspected I might have gotten herpes from my partner.  I got the HIV test just because but never dreamed in a million years that it would come back positive.  I remember when the doc's office told me to come in right away and I was trying to think of why they would be doing that.

I had many of the same thoughts that you had.  I too remember seeing myself as this infected person with only a few years left to live.  I was diagnosed the day before before my birthday and I had to go to work the next day.  My coworkers had a cake with candles and I can remember feeling like I was spreading HIV on the cake. 

I can tell you that things will get much better for you.  Five years later, and I can go for days and sometimes forget I have it.  You seem to have caught your infection early so there is no reason why HIV would keep you from seeing your daughter graduate.  If you take your meds the way you're supposed to and don't have any other health problems, you should have a normal lifespan.  The prognosis is wonderful for people diagnosed with HIV these days.  I am positive that HIV won't be what kills when when I eventually die.  The meds don't give the majority of people any side effects and many people are able to take one pill once a day.

Five years ago, I thought my life was over, but it turned out it was just beginning.  After I got diagnosed, I got married, had a baby, and am now pregnant with my second.  HIV for me has not been a death sentence and has not stopped me from doing any of the things I had planned for myself.  It has gone from being the worst thing ever to just another one of those things I have to deal with.

Just take things day by day and know that a year from now you will be probably be a whole lot more optimistic than you are now.  A good counselor can help too.  I did not see one when I was first infected but I wish I had.
« Last Edit: November 08, 2013, 08:32:59 PM by Sweet_C »
Tested positive on September 11, 2008

Offline BT65

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Re: Freaking out and scared.
« Reply #4 on: November 09, 2013, 04:25:52 AM »
Hi Positively,
Your fears are very real, but should be temporary the more you learn and the longer you live with this.  As you can tell from my pic signature, I've been diagnosed for over 20 years.  Caught it from my first husband.  He died when I was in treatment for alcohol/drug issues.  I was very scared when I was diagnosed, because people were not living, they were dying all around me.  Now it is much different with the advances in treatment.
I work for an Aids service organization and we have lost a few clients in this past year.  But, it was because they stopped taking their medication for whatever reason.  Times today are not what they were 20 years ago. 

I have watched my daughter grow into a lovely  young woman, and have 3 grandchildren.  So, I have seen all that happen, and when I was diagnosed my daughter was still a toddler.  So there is that possibility that if you continue to get medical monitoring, you will see your daughter graduate, go on with a career, etc. 

Everything you're feeling is perfectly normal when first diagnosed.  If it gets too intense, I would strongly suggest therapy.  I don't know where you are located, but you may wish to find your nearest Aids service organization, and find out who the counselors in the area are, who have dealt with HIV issues.  Don't put that off.  It is important to talk out and get help with learning how to deal with this effectively.

We are here.  We will listen.  Please continue to post, and take care of yourself.

I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Condom and Lube Info http://www.aidsmap.com/Condoms/page/1044833/
Please check out our lessons on PEP and PrEP. http://www.poz.com/factsheets/fs_2014_09_prep.pdf


Offline srmn98

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Re: Freaking out and scared.
« Reply #5 on: November 09, 2013, 10:43:22 PM »
Hello PS,
I understand how you feel, and had many similar feelings when diagnosed, and a somewhat similar situation. Since my diagnosis in 2006, I have met the love of my life (who is HIV negative) and gotten married. We now have two beautiful HIV negative children together. I would have never believed that my life would actually be OK again after diagnosis, but it's good. I made the choice to have babies, even with HIV. While nothing in life is certain, I plan on being around for them for many years. Your nurse says you have a "very healthy immune system ..." no reason not to believe that nurse. You're going to be OK, it will get easier. S

Offline positivelyscared313

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Re: Freaking out and scared.
« Reply #6 on: December 11, 2013, 06:16:15 PM »
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. Much appreciated.

I have had my ups and downs since being diagnosed almost 2 months ago.
I am still grappling with having this disease. I hear "chronic disease" I feel "death sentence. This feeling comes and goes...
I attended a support group a few weeks ago, it was just too daunting for me- people crying, talking about cancers, dying...Needles to say I have not gone back. I do not want the reminders of what I may experience battling this disease. Truth is, there isn't many support groups in my area. Many are geared toward gay males, I have been told that by one group.

Today I got my first lab results taken back in October:
CD4 555
VL 27875
CD8 70
My ID doc tells me they only worry about CD4 and VL. She said my CD4 is healthy.
She has not started me on any meds, and is recommending me for a women's clinical trial (aria study) combo of 3 pills in one- dolutegravir, abacavir, and lamivudine or 3 pill treatment of atazanavir, ritonavir, and Truvada.
I am willing to do it because my copay's are going to kill me before the disease does! And it may just help some other women dealing with this. I'll admit , I am a little scared though. I have a swollen lymph node under my left ear. It is not hard, so she isn't too worried (??) but says in about 6 wks, if there are not any changes, she will send me to have a biopsy.
I wonder if I should just say screw the study, and try to get on some type of meds asap. Should I expect the node to get smaller w/o medication? Am I risking lower CD4 higher VL by not being on the meds immediately, or should I just follow my doctors advice w/o question, I mean, she is the expert, right?

Offline BT65

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Re: Freaking out and scared.
« Reply #7 on: December 12, 2013, 04:09:22 AM »
Hi Positively,
Your numbers are not all that bad right now, but of course now it's recommended to start treatment earlier.  So, it's really up to you.  I believe it's been shown people who start treatment earlier do better with the virus.  And the meds today are really effective without many (or no) side effects.  So, if you go without meds will your Cd4's decrease and viral load increase?  Most likely, though the speed of that process is really individualized and is anyone's guess about when that will take place.

Where I live there are no support groups.  There were when I was diagnosed over 20 years ago, and then a few years back, but they fell apart.  However, don't underestimate groups attended mostly by gay men.  I've been in support groups that were mainly gay men and they are wonderfully supportive, and great friends.  I understand you probably want more women to discuss things with, but just keep that in mind. 

You're doing just fine.  And things will smooth out in time.  Just keep talking!

I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Condom and Lube Info http://www.aidsmap.com/Condoms/page/1044833/
Please check out our lessons on PEP and PrEP. http://www.poz.com/factsheets/fs_2014_09_prep.pdf



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