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Author Topic: Blood pressure boiling...:)  (Read 1945 times)

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Offline wolfter

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Blood pressure boiling...:)
« on: September 29, 2013, 05:50:56 AM »
I'm so glad we have a place to vent.  Obviously, FB isn't the correct place.  Not even sure if I mentioned when my biological father died as it wasn't that traumatic.  I always hate reading these types of posts and never thought I'd post one.

Blah, blah, my "real" father left my mother when she was pregnant with my baby sister.  We didn't realize he already he had another family.  He wasn't in our lives growing up and I was the one who tried to make all of us try.

This "man" got away with never paying a dime for his kids.  He let another man take care of his responsibilities.  My father went on to become quite successful and we never reaped any of those benefits.  But during his dying, which took over 3 years, my oldest brother and I were there constantly.

I had someone say to me tonight how great Tom was.  My blood boiled as I thought about it all.  I made him a ceramic chess set years ago and that was the only thing I desired.  I didn't get it.  He left everything to his 3rd wife after my step-mother died.  She gave him the best 5 years of her life so I guess she deserved it.

In my mind, he'll always be a piece of shit.  He managed to provide for his other children, but we didn't even get meaningful tokens.  I have been stewing about that damn chess set for a while, but that just sent it over the top. 
Being honest is not wronging others, continuing the dishonesty is.

Offline intaglio

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Re: Blood pressure boiling...:)
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2013, 06:54:14 AM »
It isn't the chess set. It's the unreciprocated emotional investment that has you steamed. You have every right to feel the way you do. While he was alive, you could hope you'd be "repaid" for the emotions you've expended over his actions. Now that he's passed, you know it'll never happen.

FWIW, after things have cooled and six months or so have passed, let the recipient of the chess set know that if they ever tire of it, you'd like to have it. Plainly tell them you made it and just want to make sure it always has a home.

I had someone say to me tonight how great Tom was. 

Yeah, comments like these can really trigger strong negative emotions. You have to look at people who make these comments as those who have only seen the person's highlight reel, but not their backstory. Grief can also cause amazing bouts of amnesia in mourners, too.  :P

Perhaps if you view this fellow as a simple sperm donor, rather than allowing him the status of relative, it might allow you to process your grief in a more healthy way.

You are mourning, not the loss of a parent, but the loss of so many wasted opportunities and a relationship that never was. My condolences to you.
Reality is frequently inaccurate.

Offline OneTampa

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  • "Butterflies are free."
Re: Blood pressure boiling...:)
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2013, 07:55:20 PM »
Wolfter, I can understand your pain, sadness and anger.  It is difficult to get through.

Intaglio provides spot on advice filled with great insight to the point that it reminds me of one of my father's sayings:

"Ou gen yon move lespri dyaman ak bon konprann!"

Translation: "You have a diamond spirit and wisdom!"

"He is my oldest child. The shy and retiring one over there with the Haitian headdress serving pescaíto frito."

Offline wolfter

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Re: Blood pressure boiling...:)
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2013, 06:34:24 AM »
Thanks.  You are spot on.  Plus a bunch of other mental shit that I have to shovel out.  I fumed all night and called my sister as I was getting off work knowing she would be getting ready for work.

My own mother lurked me on FB and made a comment that made me so upset that it sealed the deal of how I always felt about her.  she doesn't know all the details on the property I (whoops, we) bought.  My brother assisted me so I could buy it outright without needing flood insurance, saving quite a bit a month.  I've shared that with a few people here.

I posted photos of a another project that I completed for a customer (friend) of a beautiful deck that I built.  she never made a comment about that, but couldn't resist pointing out my wrong pronoun. 

As soon as I called my sis, she already knew what I was going to be upset about.  We're all fortunate that we had loving step parents.  She didn't even make a comment about the beautiful project that I completed for someone. 

I'm starting to realize why I'm so fucked up.  :)  I could make a life long list of similar stories, but I don't want to ruin the ending to the story.  I'm grateful that I found a place to finally vent without fear of being too ridiculed.

Being honest is not wronging others, continuing the dishonesty is.

Offline Theyer

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  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: Blood pressure boiling...:)
« Reply #4 on: October 02, 2013, 06:29:46 AM »
Wolfie thats hard envious attack from Mummy dearest.

Thank goodness for the step parents.

Have you ever been in therapy ? I think you might enjoy it.
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline intaglio

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Re: Blood pressure boiling...:)
« Reply #5 on: October 02, 2013, 01:51:54 PM »

Theyer said to Wolfter:

Have you ever been in therapy ? I think you might enjoy it.

Therapy can be a barrel of laughs. Especially when you have to dredge up all the stuff concerning actions of those who will never change their ways. Sadly, you can spend years and $$$ just to find out that time, distance, and restraining orders are the only solution. :/

Wolfter, lock down your FB page. Set things up so your bio-mom can see, but not post. Or filter her comments. You control your FB. Use that to your advantage.

Thankfully you have your sibs. Strong positive relationships are the best antidote to toxic people.
Reality is frequently inaccurate.


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