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Author Topic: Trying not the be Gregor Samsa  (Read 2211 times)

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Offline Lucek

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Trying not the be Gregor Samsa
« on: September 15, 2013, 09:00:45 PM »
This is my first time here. The first time, also, I talk about being HIV+ with people which are not my closes ones, the first time I talk about it with people who are also positive.
That's how my kafkaesque narrative goes:
I'm 27. I'm a doctor.
But I don't believe I'm like most of my colleagues. Since my teenagehood I've been queer, being with men and women, both cis and trans. Had lots of sexual partners and didn't always use condoms. Also, I've done most of the drugs I could get my hands on - though only once injected something, and all by myself.
As time went by, I eventually settled down, studied medicine and except for a sometimes exagerated amount of alcohol and some pot here and there, I was out of drugs. I even got into a steady relationship, which could last.
But then things happened, I got frustered with lots of things and a bit depressed. The alcohol consumption increased. I got back into doing an eventual line of coke. I got closer to a friend who was also going through a harsh phase. We started drinking together and talking about life.
I was confused and depressed, but I really loved the girl I was with. But this friend... Well, things quickly evolved into a emotional and sexual kind of consolation. I ended up lying for both of the girls, and causing tons of regret and tears.
In the end, I was forgiven by the girl I was with at first, and broke with the other girl. There were loads of bitter regret and ressentment, but it looked like things would be alright.
But then it happened: the girl I had the affair with sent me a SMS telling me her doctor asked her some tests, HIV among them. Which came positive. And, even being a doctor myself and knew lots of things about HIV and such, I adopted the worst stance I could: 'It will never happen to me. It can happen to anyone, but to people arround me.' So we did not use condoms. Our only practical worry was pregnancy - and she always took her contraceptives right.
I ran into the lab, to get myself tested. It was positive. I went on to tell my girl and get her tested. Her test was negative.
My girlfriend gave me her forgiveness and support. My parents and closest friends were also supportive. And, even this being very important, and I having a clear notion that HIV infection doesn't mean being sick or dying of it (as long as I take adequate care, of course) sometimes it is still something very heavy. Sometimes all I wanna do is cry. Sometimes I feel I am trapped in a kafkaesque nightmare, as if I had waken up changed into something people arround me could not understand.
 Filled with feelings of regret, overhelmed with guilt and trying not to think of myself as some sort of Gregor Samsa. And I thought to myself that perhaps getting in touch with other people who might share the same kinds of fear and regrets, who have to live with the same that I do will help me. So here I am.

Offline pittman

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  • Posts: 281
Re: Trying not the be Gregor Samsa
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2013, 09:41:01 PM »
Sorry to hear of your diagnosis. As you mentioned you are a doctor, you will hopefully know and understand the successful treatments and options that most can take advantage of these days. You should have every reason to believe that you will be just fine on that front. It sounds like you may have been diagnosed before significant time had passed, and if so, you can be greatful for the advantage that early treatment can offer you.

As human being, the emotional side will probably take much longer to catch up to your education and rational medical perspective. Expect it to take time to really accept that you can and will be ok o other fronts.  The fears, guilt, and sadness and can be tough, and I can assure you that in that you are by no means alone in feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under you. 

We each have to deal with the impact HIV has on us on that emotional level. It is personal, profound, and digs at our insecurities. 

What I can tell you is that you adjust, adapt, and move on. You will start to see more about what is normal, and less about what you feared would be lost. The best is when it becomes an opportunity to grow and learn. In one of your other posts you mentioned already that you wondered about exploring different areas of medicine. I take that as a very good sign that ultimately you will manage through this and potentially become a better person from it. In general, I feel that people who learn from their experiences do become better people. 

Expect the next few months or more to be tough, but also expect that it will get easier and better with time. 


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