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Author Topic: Dating an HIV- Partner  (Read 8249 times)

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Offline spicy1

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Dating an HIV- Partner
« on: June 06, 2006, 02:00:07 PM »
Hi guys

I need some advice from anyone thats +ve and is in a relationship with a partner thats -ve? i just started dating this guy and was quite honest about my status, he was quite calm about my status and is willing to give the relationship a try but he's quite confused about how to handle me without putting himself at risk when it comes to sexual intercourse anyone in the same situation that can give some advce:)


Offline MoltenStorm

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Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #1 on: June 06, 2006, 05:20:11 PM »
My $1.50 would be to give him time. Sex is sometimes a sticky subject. Explain to him that with safe sex, he should be fine. Condom with intercourse. No oral while bleeding or either of you having sores in the mouth. A good rule of thumb is to not do any of that after brushing your teeth or drinking overly hot liquid for at least an hour (just as a precaution). Oral is minimal risk, but rather be safe than sorry. There's aways oral with a flavored condom. Also, don't push sex. I had to learn that one the hard way. Focus on getting to know him, and let the sex happen on its own.

That would be my advice.
"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, adaptation in A Walk To Remember

CD4: 555 / 29% / Undetectable - 7 Nov 2006
CD4: 555 / 29% / Undetectable - 5 Feb 2007

Offline otherplaces

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Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2006, 06:17:14 PM »

As someone who got this via unprotected oral sex I would say proceed with caution in that department. The literature says it's a 1 in 10,000 chance. Either I'm horribly unlucky or these statistics aren't wholly accurate. I think your VL level makes a difference also.


Offline jkinatl2

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Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #3 on: June 06, 2006, 06:42:00 PM »
Three long-term serodiscordant studies which followed couples for ten, five, and three years found zero new infections so long as condoms were worn for vaginal and anal sex.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline cubbybear

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Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #4 on: June 06, 2006, 06:43:24 PM »
I've been with a negative guy for about 4 years.  Just read the lessons on transmission, or at least get your buddy to read up on it.  Safer sex helps in preventing transmission.
There's a bear in there!
Positive since 2000
Diagnosed 17/9/2005 CD4 35 VL 293,000
Meds 23/9/2005 Sustiva/Truvada
Currently CD4 232 VL Undetectable

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #5 on: June 06, 2006, 06:52:41 PM »
I'm glad you've brought this up. Along with the other excellent info and responses you've received, I would urge you two to keep your conversations about sex and your feelings around this issue as open, direct and simple as possible. That will strengthen and deepen the intimacy of your relationship and just might make sex more enjoyable too.

Keep us posted on how it's going.

Andy Velez

Offline spicy1

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Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2006, 11:40:27 AM »
Thanks guys for the advice, makes me feel more comfortable to hear that others have maintained relationships with patners that are -ve. It gets abit confusing especially with the ladies as we tend to discharge rather messily if you know what i mean so it kinda gets confusing especially when fore play involves being fingered and the other party is unsure whether to or not but i guess its all about not having cuts on the finger and washing hands after intercourse. What about french kissing is it still risky if you dont have any form of bleeding in the mouth? have any of your partners had babies and did pregnancy affect the CD4 count negatively in anyway even with meds?

Offline franfrog

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Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #7 on: June 07, 2006, 12:36:54 PM »
Hi spicey.  My husband is negative as I am poz.  We unfortunatly did not know going into this relationship but after finding out, it has been fine.  We are very open about discussing what we can and/or can't do.  Although at times I can feel very uncomfortable about putting him in any sort of risk, we know what is safe.  We practice the safe sex and just got his conclusive test about a week ago, which is about 11 months after my diagnosis, that he is still neg.  Thank god. 
Also, looking back at when and how I did end up contracting HIV, I did have a child without even knowing I was poz.  Must have been right after I contracted or that is when I contracted it.  My daughter is now going to be 9, happy and healthy.  It is possible to have a child, follow up closely with your doctor and make sure you can handle it before you attempt it.  Good luck in your new relationship.
7/05 diagnosis cd4- 52 vl -?
08/05 cd4-299 vl-1900
10/05 cd4-249 vl-349
12/05 cd4-349 vl-52
03/06 cd4-454 vl-<50
06/06 cd4-508 vl-<50

Offline CowboyPOZ

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Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #8 on: June 07, 2006, 01:17:15 PM »
My partner and I will celebrate our 1 year anniversary next week. It has been a long road but worth every second. I am not saying you will not hit a speed bump in the road of love because you will. Just make sure you have him read the lessons section of the website. I have to remind my partner he is not a medical doctor at times. When the time is right and if your comfortable take him with you to a doctors appointment. I never imagined some of the questions he came up with when he went with me. In many ways your relationship will be stronger because of the virus, but in some ways it will be strange for some time. I still fear giving him the virus quite a bit but we talk and he is always the first to suggest some new way to have fun without putting him at risk. One hell of a man.
I hope this helps and if you have any questions just ask.

Okie Cowboy Guy
 :o ;D

Offline Biggums

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Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #9 on: June 07, 2006, 01:32:11 PM »
Hi Spicey,

I am neg and my honey is poz.  Our biggest prob is that despite precautions he at time is worried about infecting me.  I just have to talk to him about his feelings and fears and let him know it's OK.  Giving him space during those times and not forcing anything seems to do best for us.  Good luck to you in this, it isn't always easy but love never is.
44 year old gay man .......just broke up with the only man I've ever really loved.

You can love completely without complete understanding.

Offline doyourowndamndishes

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Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #10 on: June 07, 2006, 01:50:43 PM »
Hi Spicy,

My last boyfriend of 5 years was neg where as I'm poz.  It was never an issue but yes, follow safer sex guidelines.  I don't want to echo all the great advice you have received so far but I concur with it all.  Other points to remember, it's a good idea to wait a few hours not only after brushing your teeth but flossing as well.  Flossing has a greater chance of cutting the gums than a tooth brush.  If, down the road, you find that the two of you are in a rut when it comes to your sexual intimacy, you may want to consider contacting your local ASO.  Many of these offer seminars, courses, support groups on just how to spice up your sex life while still playing safe.  Not only does a great sex life require some imagination, it also requires honest communication between the two of you. 


"All that we are is theresult of what we have thought." -Buddha

Offline spicy1

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Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #11 on: June 07, 2006, 02:46:39 PM »
gees guys thanks for the advice i do feel alot more enlightened ;) im glad i joined the poz forum its nice to know that there is a great network of support

Offline PeteNYNJ

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Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #12 on: June 07, 2006, 03:00:29 PM »
I just started dating a negative guy and I seem to be more worried about transmission then he is.  I agree with what everyone is saying - safe sex and honest conversation.  Remember - he is responsible for his own health.  You can do all you can to make sure he is careful, but his choices on what he will or wont do are his own.

Offline Shawn Decker

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Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #13 on: June 07, 2006, 05:59:01 PM »

I'm a poz guy, and my wife is HIV negative.  We've been together for 7 years, and can relate to what a lot of you have posted.  I know the risk of transmission is slightly different in terms of male-to-female and vice versa, but I'd say do the research together.  If one of you has a question, go online together and search for an answer (checking multiple sites, beware of some organizations' agendas). 

Or post here!  Looks like a great community of people who understand what it is like.

As for french kissing, I imagine transmission in that area is all the same.  We've had 7 years of it, without incident.  I think anything oral is riskier after brushing, so that's the common mistake to keep note of.  Oh, and the flavored condoms.  They rule.

Offline travisfranklin

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Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #14 on: June 07, 2006, 07:32:52 PM »
Hi there,
 Well I am in a current relationship of 5 months this month (June) and I must say it is kind of hard to be with someone who is neg, Its a struggle but I think someday he will just get over the fact is that I am poz. He freaks out everytime when something comes up with it, but I love him a lot and honestly there is more to our relationship that sex, granted yes it is very nice, but things will be better it just takes some time for the neg person to understand (well try to understand) what its like, the best advice I can give is just bare with them as they are adjusting to you and hopefully they will bare with you also!
Have a Great Day!
Travis :)

Offline mike

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Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #15 on: June 07, 2006, 07:41:05 PM »
the best advice I can give is just bare with them as they are adjusting to you and hopefully they will bare with you also!

that's an intentional mis-spelling/pun right ?  ;)

Offline Van Pelt

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  • Posts: 4
Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #16 on: June 07, 2006, 10:21:15 PM »
My -ve bf and I recently celebrated our 4 year anniversary...and not to get too much into detail, I cannot complain about my sex life. It is true, we avoid intercourse, and are cautious when it comes to oral sex, but we still participate in intimacy and such.

Having a -ve partner is not always easy. They can never fully understand what you're going through...but at the same time, they'll be going through things, too, that you won't understand. My bf has always had the issue of not wanting to watch me die. He's also on me about going to the doctor's everytime a cough comes from my mouth.

Our relationship has it's problems because of this factor - but, in truth, what relationship doesn't? Still, we've survived on 4 years, and I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon.

Offline muffle

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Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #17 on: June 08, 2006, 02:28:24 AM »
Just be careful and get informed from experts about this.

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #18 on: June 08, 2006, 02:30:42 AM »
Just be careful and get informed from experts about this.


Are you an HIV positive person or do you have a loved one who is HIV+? If so maybe you'd like to post an introductory thread and tell us about yourself.



Offline Ann

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Re: Dating an HIV- Partner
« Reply #19 on: June 08, 2006, 06:18:40 AM »
Hi Spicy, welcome to the forums.

I'm also in a relationship with a negative man. We've been together for just about seven years now and he remains hiv negative.

Fingering and kissing are not ways that hiv is transmitted. As Jonathan pointed out earlier, it is exceedingly rare for anyone to become positive from any sort of oral activity. You don't need to worry about giving him a blowjob - there is no risk for him there. Saliva isn't infectious and your mouth would have to be very damaged and bleeding heavily for you to pose any sort of risk to him - and you're hardly likely to be kissing or giving blowjobs with lots of blood or sores in your mouth.

As far as intercourse goes, hiv is a fragile, difficult (but not impossible) virus to transmit and more so from a woman to a man. Make sure you two use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse and you'll be fine. Check out the condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use those condoms with confidence. Also, check out the links in the left-hand column of either of those pages for information on the female condom. If your partner is at all worried about giving you oral, the female condom can do double duty here as a barrier for oral sex and then you also have a condom in place for when you progress from oral to intercourse.

You might also like to read through the Lessons and in relation to this particular line of questions, check out the HIV Transmission Lesson

Good luck... and have fun. Just make sure you're using condoms for intercourse because condoms have been proven to be excellent for preventing the transmission of hiv.

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts


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