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Author Topic: HELP...despair  (Read 3156 times)

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Offline Whymeh

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« on: August 30, 2013, 04:31:50 PM »
Im 7 months living with this and at times i feel strong with a determined attitude to not let this affect me but right now i feel suicidal, worthless, tainted, a waste, broke, in debt and just dont feel like trying to fight this anymore, i want out!!!...i am not on meds yet but have talked about it with my doc...this is probably one of my worst days...i feel like nobody gives a shit or knows what going on..

Offline Jeff G

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Re: HELP...despair
« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2013, 04:38:43 PM »
HI Way . I glad you came here to voice your pain and frustration . I remember a time not long ago I was feeling pretty much like you just described , so it may feel like no one knows or cares but I promise you some of us do know and we care deeply because of it .

What is it going to take for you to feel better about your situation ?

I urge you to talk to your doctors or any other source of support you may have about this , in the mean time we are here and we hear you loud and clear .
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Offline moxieinme

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Re: HELP...despair
« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2013, 04:49:24 PM »
Hi Whymeh,

I know it's hard. You already took a good step by reaching out here. Jeff is right about asking your docs for other sources of support.

What you're feeling is normal, but of course that doesn't make it any easier. It's a roller coaster sometimes, but remember you do get back to the ups. Give it time, too. The longer you have to come to know yourself and your HIV the more grounded about it you'll become.

But keep posting. You'll hear back from many voices all supporting you.

Sending love and best wishes. It *will* be better.
Salvage therapy wrangler, riding the poz bronco and dodging bullets for over 24 years.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
CD4 at diagnosis 1989 = 330
Began treatment (AZT) 1989
Lowest labs 1998: CD4=74, 7%, VL=750,000
First sustained undetectable VL in 20 years (2009); CD4=315
Current labs (12/13): CD4=637, 27%, VL=<20
Current meds: Prezista, Isentress, Intellence, Norvir

Offline mecch

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Re: HELP...despair
« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2013, 04:54:14 PM »
Well, we don't know all your particulars but it can be said that there are enough of us here who have been in dark passages of our lives, so can empathise with your present state of mind.
Try not to go too far in the feeling of being "worthless", "tainted" and a "waste" for having HIV now, or for having contracted it.  Really, that's all a mindset, there is nothing objective about those valuations...  And many of us have had to move through the same sentiments and it is possible.
It is also possible that there are other things in your life that you are dumping and mixing together with your HIV+ status, but really don't have a lot of business being mixed in...  Its a global depression, in other words...  But the solution for being broke and in debt, while a huge challenge, probably isn't much related to being HIV+, at least for someone in Ireland who has the advantage of affordable health care.
Have you discussed your current state of mind with your doctor?  You don't even need to see a therapist, you need a doctor to know how you are feeling and to help you make steps to meeting the mental health challenges. This might be a referral to a therapist but there is also the option of support groups and there are also medicines you can take immediately if you are in a very dark place - anti-anxiety pills, sleeping pills if you aren't sleeping well, anti-depressants.  All these things, used wisely, can be immensely helpful in a very dark place. Smoothing out the edges.  Cutting the darkness and suicidal thoughts.  Give you the moments of calm where you can even begin to start regrouping...   What do you think?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: HELP...despair
« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2013, 05:41:07 PM »
I know where you're coming from I have dealt with a lot of bullshit & hard times this year myself. Student loan debt, medical bills, etc, medical crises, it seems 2013 has indeed been unlucky 13 for me this year, but I'm still here! Don't despair, try to talk to someone you trust. Don't try and deal with it alone, trust me, that's not the way to go! A friend of mine committed suicide this year & he never even told anyone what he was going through. I am a private person too, and don't like to tell others my problems, but it's important you confide in your doctor or someone who can help you that you trust. They will help you! Whether it is getting therapy, medication, or whatever you need, things will get better. I am currently seeing a psychiatrist (which was a very big step for me) and soon starting counseling. Tell your doctor if you are depressed, he/she can give you medication that can really help you feel better in the short term, and maybe get you some qualified therapy in the longer term.

Confiding in someone you trust can really help a lot. As bad as it seems, it will get better. Best wishes!
"I survived because I was tougher than anybody else".--Bette Davis




Offline BT65

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Re: HELP...despair
« Reply #5 on: August 31, 2013, 09:44:03 AM »
I totally get where you're coming from, Whymeh.  All of those negative feelings seem to lead to one thing-extreme stress.  Which is the hardest of all emotions to deal with, I believe. 

I've been under a lot of stress myself lately, but my thing is I always want to fall back on addictive behaviors.  Which has made it impossible to give up smoking at the moment (cigarettes).

One of the things that helps me the most is reaching out to my few friends.  I don't have a wide circle of friends, but the ones I do have I trust with feelings and know they will understand.  Even if it's just here that you feel you can share, please continue to share.  Sometimes life seems impossible, and like it cannot get any worse.  But if you just to through the motions from day to day, if that's all you can do, one day things will get a little better, and so on.  Please consider therapy if you need a professional to bounce things off of and get ideas on how to cope, beyond what we can offer you here.  And hang in there. 

I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline Whymeh

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Re: HELP...despair
« Reply #6 on: September 01, 2013, 01:29:39 PM »
Hey guys thanks for all the kind words of inspiration. I really appreciate the help this forum has at the drop of a hat!

I am normally one for taking on and handling anything and just getting on with life the best i can but it kinda feels like when i have my bad days i turn it all on being poz beacause thats the baggage i have no idea on how to handle. I have caught myself turning into "poor me" and i sure as hell wont go down that road so Yeah step by step i am gradually building my strength and hope that i will get back up and  get back into the game of life.

Namaste  :)

Offline Azrael2012

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Re: HELP...despair
« Reply #7 on: September 03, 2013, 11:35:30 PM »
Hey Whymeh

Its not uncommon to feel despair especially when under a lot of stress end especially following diagnosis.

You aren't alone here, and by reaching out you will gain support here.
We have all at one time or another either pre or post diagnosis had the feelings you have shared here. I guess its how you deal with them, and especially by not allowing them to consume you is what will help you continue.
Just take each day as it comes along and if you need to rant, do it here, Im sure theres enough of us online at any given moment to either rant with ya or just listen.
Nobody will be patronising...hey ya may end up having a nice smart-assed comment to cheer ya up!

Chin up....its makes it easier for one of us to deck ya with a funny one liner!  ;)
Its 4:32 am over here and Ive taken my meds ages ago....Im WIDE AWAKE and still waitin on them to kick in  :-\


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