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Author Topic: When does this depression end?  (Read 2562 times)

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Offline hgtv

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  • Posts: 3
When does this depression end?
« on: July 29, 2013, 07:41:32 AM »
I tested positive two weeks ago. I am 45yo and a health professional. It all happened really fast. I immediately started meds and I'm getting in the routine of taking a daily pill at night.

I know that I will be ok, that my immune system can be managed and I will lead a healthy normal life.

I just don't understand why I feel so sad. I guess my partner - who is negative - is unsure about how he feels about dating a positive guy. We've only been together for 2 years and he is much younger than I am. I've asked him to wait a year before he makes any decisions and he agreed.

I just feel really really stupid. Never had an STD in my life and this is my first. I am also unsure how I got infected. I feel alone and have told no one except my partner - who  of course had to get tested and he is fine .. so far. He has to repeat his test in a few months.

I just cant stop crying. Nothing seems entertaining or funny anymore. I keep reliving that day when I was told, you're positive. Does that day ever disappear? Would I ever be able to really smile again?

Every time I see an ad for safer sex or HIV prevention or see a hospital or a doctor's office or see pills.. i get anxious. I am also get anxious every night when I have to take my pill.. i worry that I might forget.. even thought I have measures in place to make sure I remember.

When does this depression end?

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: When does this depression end?
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2013, 07:58:35 AM »
Hi hg, welcome to the forums.

Stop being so hard on yourself. You're only two weeks into this and already you're beating yourself up because you feel depressed? Don't. Allow yourself to feel your feelings - they're entirely normal at this stage.

If your life with hiv were an ocean, you've only just barely dipped your big toe into the waters. You need time to adjust to the water's temperature.

You may find it beneficial to have your partner attend some of your initial doctor appointments with you. For one, he's learning about this too, and it's something you can do side-by-side.

For another, it can be useful to have a second set of ears listening to what you're being told, particularly now when it's all so new and stressful.

Writing down any questions you may have for your doctor and also writing down the answers is very helpful too (pro-tip; get a small dedicated notebook, and leave space for the answers). It's far too easy to forget things you wanted to ask about, and even easier to forget the answers once you get in that exam room.

Maybe your partner can be in charge of taking notes while you concentrate on your interaction with the doctor.

Please know that this does get better in time but you have to allow yourself that time to heal and adjust.

Hang in there. You're going to be ok.

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline hgtv

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Re: When does this depression end?
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2013, 09:57:51 AM »
Thanks Ann,

I guess I know what you're saying is true. It's just that sometimes, without warning, I spiral downwards and I probably just need someone to tell me "you're going to be ok"

I'll hang in there and I'll take your advice to heart :)

Offline a2z

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  • Posts: 208
Re: When does this depression end?
« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2013, 06:49:08 AM »
Have you gotten counseling yet?    I think having a licensed counselor to talk to is key in managing depression.
Dates are blood draw dates:
3/12/15: CD4 941, 36.4%, VL UD
9/4/14: CD4 948, 37.9%, VL 150
5/23/14: CD4 895 --.-% VL UD - Truvada/Isentress
09/21/09: CD4 898 27.0% VL 120 - back on track, same meds.High level enzymes, but less so
06/15/09: CD4 478 21.8% VL 1150 - high liver enzymes... looks like I may not be resistant
05/22/09: Fixed insurance, resumed medicine
04/17/09: Ran out of medicine, could not resolve insurance problems
04/01/09: CD4 773 28% VL 120 - high liver enzymes
12/01/08: CD4 514 23% VL 630
10/17/08 started Reyataz, Norvir and Truvada. -- possibly minor neuropathy, but otherwise okay.
9/10/08: CD4 345 17%, VL > 78K
8/18/08: CD4 312 18%, VL > 60K (considering meds)
12/19/07: CD4 550 28% VL > 100K (no meds yet)
Diagnosed 10/23/07

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: When does this depression end?
« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2013, 09:24:50 AM »
This may sound ridiculous but along with Ann's sage words, I recommend getting out of the house when you're blue. Have a cup of decaf coffee or tea. Take a walk and look around at the world. It's terribly easy now (and at other times too) to get stuck in your head.

You're under care for your health. You know that's basically covered. As Ann said, this is all very new to you. Allow some time. There is such a mantle of stigma and fear that has been dropped on to living with HIV. I won't attempt to minimize the importance of HIV, but rather to just remind you that your life is and will continue to be about much more than HIV. Right now it's outsized in your mind but that will change.

So keep putting one step in front of the other and give yourself some time to sort a myriad of feelings and thoughts out. If it feels like it might be helpful see a counselor or therapist with whom you can say everything uncensored.

You're on your way to being ok even if it doesn't feel that way sometimes. And you're always welcome to come here to talk about anything that's on your mind. You'll find support and a lot of experience available to you.

Have a good one today.
Andy Velez

Offline hgtv

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Re: When does this depression end?
« Reply #5 on: July 31, 2013, 06:32:03 AM »
Thanks a2z. I have used some online counselling services. I am not sure I can manage talking face to face with anyone yet. The counselling helps. Its always a downward spiral that comes without warning.

Thanks Andy. The first day I tried getting out of the house didn't work out too well. I tried being in the 'present moment" and enjoy everything about myself at that moment" and that day was just awful. I looked at the trees and nature around me and wept and wept.

I did it a few more times since and it does get better with time.. even thought my time has been short. But wow, I've never experienced grief this severe. I cant rationalize it in my head either. I think it has to do with my acceptance of failing to be careful and my not having forgiven myself as yet.

But I'm trying.


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