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Author Topic: First time curiosity lead to biggest regret of my life.  (Read 2578 times)

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Offline NeverAgain1

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First time curiosity lead to biggest regret of my life.
« on: July 28, 2013, 10:23:49 PM »
I'm scared and anxious. I've been crying since Friday.

I went to meet a Transgendered Asian MTF to scratch something off my bucket list, and ended up trying bottoming.

I don't know this person's status, and I did see they had a condom on after they tried to fuck me from behind. The whole anal intercourse took 30 seconds to a minute since I couldn't handle it. I don't know if they had a condom on during that time though and my mind is using that as evidence of being barebacked by an HIV+ individual.

We stopped the sex, and I didn't want to continue at which point I was kicked out into the hallway naked. It was a bad experience in the end, but during it it seemed fine. I performed oral on this individual as well.

When I got home and wiped my ass from all the lube, I defecated and noticed blood on the napkin. I have hemmorhoids and attributed the blood to irritation from the penetration. There was no pre-cum on the penis because I had performed a bit of oral prior to receiving anal.

The CDC rates the exposure chance of being .5% or 50 in 10,000 exposures. I assume this is due to the presence of ejaculate, which was not there during my time..

Given that I am unsure if I received protected or unprotected anal, but I am certain that there was no ejaculates (just a little anal bleeding on my end) what are the chances of me making it out okay given that I went to the ER and administered PEP about 28-32 hours after. I didn't know about PEPs until the next day..

I started on Truvada and Isentress and plan to take them every day consistently. I will not screw around with the dosage.

I fucked up, having not ejaculated in a few weeks and becoming desperate/curious. I'm sick of myself and hating everything about what happened. I wish I could take it back but the only thing that can calm me now is knowing from the community here whether realistically I will end up becoming HIV+.

I calculated the percentage based on 13% HIV+ rate among Transgendered Asians, a .5% chance of infection from exposure based on the CDC list (asuming that they calculated it without ejaculate being necessary for risk) and the PEP success rate.

.13 x .005 x .20 (PEP Failure) for a .00013 or 0.013% chance of contracting HIV.

Is this accurate or am I just deluding myself while beating myself up?

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: First time curiosity lead to biggest regret of my life.
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2013, 10:44:36 PM »
Wait, you had protected sex and STILL got PEP? You mention specifically that you visually notied a condom for less than a minutes' worth of anal sex. In all likelihood, the person topping you barely had time to start, much less pause and take off a condom (and to what end, pardon the pun? YOU were bleeding, and therefore a much greater risk to the transgenered person).

You didn't and don't need PEP if that was the case, no matter how much you bled.

But let's go down that rabbit hole and pretend that you ended up with some vengeful person who wanted to infect you, who whipped off the condom as soon as you weren't looking, and had a high viral load. Because that's what you seem to have assumed, right? Of course, without ejaculate your risk is very small even in this awful scenario (which likely did not happen).

And you can disregard the CDC's statistics. They were only designed to work on a macro level and have zero relevance to the individual. There are way too many personal, unique variables in each and every sexual act to place anything but a huge ballpark estimate on it. Your risk? Vanishingly small, if there was a risk at all.

PEP, started in a timely fashion, is almost always efective in preventing HIV infection. It does, however, ratchet back the testing window by a month. So testing while on PEP will be useless. The first test that you can rely on is the one you take six weeks after you finish PEP (which will be ten weeks past your encounter). And of course, the Gold Standard remains three months PAST your last dose of PEP.

Other than that, you can choose to take the meds and wait. That's all you can do here.

I have really had a hard time replying to this with an even emotional attack. When a person is treated like a bullet-point on a "bucket list," one mus. t prepare for being thrown out, naked, into a hallway when the object of the list discerns this. People are people, and deserve respect. I urge you to consider this while perusing the rest of your list.

I gave disregarded your mathematics for the reasons I gave regarding statistical application from the macro to the micro. I do, however, sincerely believe that you will emerge from this experience HIV negative. And perhaps a bit wiser and more empathic.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline NeverAgain1

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Re: First time curiosity lead to biggest regret of my life.
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2013, 10:53:32 PM »
Thank you for the quick reply. I wasn't looking at the person as a bucket list, but rather me finally putting an end to the question, "am I bi?" I don't mean to have come off like a jerk to you. In fact I was respectful to the other person as well.

Honestly, I didn't observe the condom on while she was behind me but after when we moved to the chair to change positions. My mind is an evil mistress, and  I have no idea if this person was malicious or not. Clearly at the end they were but for now I have a couple of unaccounted minutes.

I was super worried because I really don't know what happened in those moments. It's the first time I let my guard down in my life especially with a stranger from the internet. Combined with the anxiety I am feeling, I just want to cry and give up on life since I can't focus on anything except HIV.

I will go to the doctor tomorrow to follow up with the ER visit and grab Xanax for the anxiety. Is there a cross issue with benzos and ARVs?

Edit: Could you please for my worrying soul let me know how you deduced the odds of infection being vanishingly small?

Edit 2: I am freaking out right now. I went upstairs to get fruit and the AC was on. Since I've been sweating all day, I then had the craziest chills. I'm also feeling a little itchy. Are these side effects of the PEP? Feels like an onset of flu-like symptoms..
« Last Edit: July 28, 2013, 10:57:09 PM by NeverAgain1 »

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: First time curiosity lead to biggest regret of my life.
« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2013, 11:03:31 PM »
Please look to the meds portion of the LESSONS section here to learn about Truvada and Isentress:


Your odds are close to zero if the condom was intact and used. Science frowns on zero, mind you. Regardless, a condom used correctly provides effective protection against HIV.

Your odds even in the worst case monster viral load scenario are still vanishingly small, as you instigated PEP.

You are not going to test positive over this situation if you take PEP. It is quite likely that you were never at risk and never needed to test in the first place.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline NeverAgain1

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Re: First time curiosity lead to biggest regret of my life.
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2013, 12:29:39 AM »
Thanks, that puts me a bit at ease. It's going to be a long 4 months of my life, and I can't tell anyone about it. I'm dealing with some shitty side effects but as long as I know they're from the drugs working, I won't mind them.

I'll see my doctor tomorrow and try to transfer to a specialist. I'm going to need a lot of daily reminders somehow that everything is going to be alright :(

Thanks again. I hope you still don't think of me as seeing people as objects; this whole encounter has humbled me in a sense. If I get over this, there's much I have taken from this.


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