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Author Topic: Concern about a past partner's inaction  (Read 1856 times)

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Offline Cpt.Mauzer

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Concern about a past partner's inaction
« on: July 22, 2013, 03:42:30 PM »
I was diagnosed in June and told my casual sex partner who I had been with frequently for the past year that he needs to get tested (we had unprotected sex very very often).  He completely flipped out and refuses to talk to me (which is his choice, I'm fine with it).  My concern is, he has been in a long term sexually active relationship with a female who we both work with.  I'm concerned for this female's health as I have no idea if my coworker has even gone to get tested. 

Seeing as he very well might have been tested and is handling it on his own (and hell, could even be negative), I don't want to overstep my bounds...but the fact that he won't talk to me about it is concerning. 

It's a very messy situation...if i approach this girl and talk to her about what's going on, I am A) outing my male coworker who is ashamed of his sexuality B) wrecking their relationship and C) causing workplace drama for the two of them (I'm leaving in a month so for myself this point is much more irrelevant).

I guess what I'm asking is...where should my responsibility as an HIV positive person end and when should I just walk away and assume people have gotten things taken care of?

Edit* I should note that the possibility of my partner being negative seems highly unlikely seeing as we had been meeting up  1-2 times a month or more up to and including the week I found out (a couple nights before my doctor told me).
« Last Edit: July 22, 2013, 03:45:16 PM by Cpt.Mauzer »
6-7-13 Detected
6-10-13 74949 VL CD4 458 (32%)
6-27-13 Started Stribild
7-29-13 VL 29 CD4 731 (31%)

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Concern about a past partner's inaction
« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2013, 03:51:21 PM »
It's not your responsibility to get involved past telling that partner to get tested.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline mecch

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Re: Concern about a past partner's inaction
« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2013, 06:14:22 PM »
The only in I could see, is if she knows you are HIV+, and if sex is something you have discussed with this person previously.  If both of those are true, you can always drop it into a conversation, completely disguised, just as,

"Oh I had a awkward weekend, I ran into an old lover this weekend and one thing let to another and he found out about my HIV status and I told him he should get tested, because we used to have unsafe sex.  He was sort of annoyed I told him, irritated, so I just said, look, we all know its better to know our status and protect ourselves, I mean, if there's one thing I've learned being HIV+, is that everyone is responsible for their own risks, and knowing their own status, cause there just too many surprises when we just assume things. I'm glad I know, and everything is under controll.  Just spreading the word to be smart, but people are so touchy..."

And I suppose the chances of you being in the kind of colleague relationship with this person where you could say something like that are 1 in a million.   :D

So what Miss P said.

ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline tednlou2

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Re: Concern about a past partner's inaction
« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2013, 11:34:49 PM »
I agree that it is only your business to tell the person you have been having sex. 

I think the only time I would consider getting involved is if the guy began a sexual relationship with a good friend, and I knew he was poz with a detectable vl,  and I learned he was pressuring for bareback sex, while claiming to have tested neg.  I know everyone is responsible for their own health and choices, but in that situation I would probably feel I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't say something.  Barring that, I would feel I should stay out of it.  If he lied but insisted on condoms, I would stay out of it.  I would only consider getting involved, if I knew he was being irresponsible and intentionally putting a dear friend at risk. 

Given the situation you describe, I would feel I should stay out of it. 

Offline Ann

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Re: Concern about a past partner's inaction
« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2013, 07:40:02 AM »
You could also have her contacted anonymously via your local health department. If I were you, I'd discuss this with my doctor and explain to him or her what you've explained to us. The doctor could forward your friend's contact details on to the health department who would then send a letter telling her she needs to be tested - but not who caused the need for the test.

You could even send an anonymous letter to her yourself. I'm not talking email, I'm talking about a letter sent to her home. I'm also not talking about naming him.  I understand you may be worrying about wrecking their relationship, but won't death through PCP do that in an even worse way?

While I agree that it's not strictly your responsibility to get your friend/coworker to test, I know I wouldn't feel right until I'd exhausted every possibly means to make sure she's tested.

I so wish more adults understood the need for regular sexual heath check ups. So much heartbreak could be avoided. Nobody likes going to the dentist regularly either, but people still do it. Why do we have to be so backward, prudish and squeamish when it comes to our sexual health?
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Cpt.Mauzer

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Re: Concern about a past partner's inaction
« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2013, 02:42:31 PM »
Thanks for the advice everyone.  I think I'm just going to lay low unless I hear something definitive.  I don't feel particularly right doing it, but at this point I have very few bridges left in my life and i'd rather not burn the last of them by stirring up the drama.  :-\
6-7-13 Detected
6-10-13 74949 VL CD4 458 (32%)
6-27-13 Started Stribild
7-29-13 VL 29 CD4 731 (31%)


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