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Author Topic: Straight male living with HIV...how to cope with the pain  (Read 2552 times)

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Offline ArobSkillz

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Straight male living with HIV...how to cope with the pain
« on: July 10, 2013, 09:26:30 AM »
Hello im new to the website...new to everything it seems still. Im 23 and never thought that this would happen to me in a million years. I know that feelings of depression should be discussed with a counselor but i just am so afraid of letting too many people know about this. I cry almost every single day because someone i met this past year doesnt want anything to do with me because of what i have...it scares her. I had HIV for 2 years un-medicated untill i contracted genital herpes and because of the sores went in to get tested. The results shocked me it seems into an emotional coma. I told the few girls that i had sex with about what was going on because i didnt want them to go unchecked. Its just so difficult to talk to anyone because im so depressed and feel useless to the world. I smoke cigarettes to relieve stress and even though i know its killing me...i continue to puff away. Any advice from someone whos been through this or even support from someone feeling the same way as i am would be much appreciated.

Offline wolfter

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Re: Straight male living with HIV...how to cope with the pain
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2013, 09:35:59 AM »
Sorry you needed to find us, but welcome to the forums.  What you're experiencing is a normal reaction and is understandable.  clichés be damned, but it will get better.

One of the most difficult, yet most important aspects of this virus is accepting that it is just a virus.  It doesn't define you nor does it have a morality aspect assigned to it. 

Being honest is not wronging others, continuing the dishonesty is.

Offline ArobSkillz

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Re: Straight male living with HIV...how to cope with the pain
« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2013, 10:14:42 AM »
Thank you for the encouragement Wolfie it really does mean alot..i just have this fear that im going to die alone because of this. Thats really the main thing that im having trouble wrapping my head around most days...that i may never find a partner because of this "barrier" ive contracted. Plus the notion that i lost the chance with an amazing person already doesnt help.

Offline SteveS

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Re: Straight male living with HIV...how to cope with the pain
« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2013, 10:41:45 AM »
Arob -

I am sorry you are going through this. I was only diagnosed two months ago, so I very much understand and feel the pain and shock you are feeling.

Can I ask you a question? The first thing you must focus on is your health. You are not clear in your post - are you now on meds? Do you have a good Dr? That must be where you start.

I can tell you this - FOR SURE you will begin to feel better emotionally and psychologically. I am not saying it is easy - but I have only had this for two months and I feel MUCH better than I did the first two weeks. The fact is that the medicines they have today are amazing; and, there are very promising signs of even a cure somewhere in the future. You are very young and will be able to benefit from all of that.

You should be more concerned right now with the smoking and other things that ARE in your power to give you better health. You deserve a good life so give yourself a chance.

Offline ArobSkillz

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Re: Straight male living with HIV...how to cope with the pain
« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2013, 10:47:51 AM »
Yes Steve thank you i have been taking Stribild for a few months now. My viral load is undetectable and everything seems to be normal. I self medicated even before this diagnosis for depression with Marijuana and recently stop entirely. Due to that i am having all of these suppressed emotions i bottled up come to the surface. I know it will get better with time and i just need to be patient i guess. I am seeing a seemingly good Doctor at an Infectious Disease clinic and he has helped reduce some of my anxiety/stress over things.

Offline Jmarksto

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Re: Straight male living with HIV...how to cope with the pain
« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2013, 10:50:13 AM »
Hi Arob; 

As wolfter said, sorry you need to be here but welcome.  I also agree with wolfter that your reaction is understandable, although I would add that there are some things to help yourself.

One thing that helped me was seeing a counselor that dealt with HIV positive clients -- this was a huge help for me and I would recommend it. While we all want to love and be loved, it may help to focus on other aspects of your life that you can improve while you take the time to meet someone who will love you for who you are.  These other things to focus on may be seeing the counselor, identifying how to manage stress in a positive way, etc.

I know these aren't magic answers, but they may help put you in a better place over time.

Again welcome,

03/15/12 Negative
06/15/12 Positive
07/11/12 CD4 790          VL 4,000
08/06/12 CD4 816/38%   VL 49,300
08/20/12 Started Complera
11/06/12 CD4   819/41% VL 38
02/11/13 CD4   935/41% VL UD
06/06/13 CD4   816/41% VL UD
10/28/13 CD4 1131/45% VL 25
02/25/14 CD4   792/37% VL UD
07/09/14 CD4 1004/39% VL UD
11/03/14 CD4   711/34% VL UD
03/13/15 CD4   833/36% VL UD
04/??/15 Truvada & Tivicay
06/01/15 CD4 1100/50% VL UD
10/16/15 CD4   826/43% VL UD

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Straight male living with HIV...how to cope with the pain
« Reply #6 on: July 10, 2013, 11:57:31 AM »
Try not to waste too much time crying over someone who "doesn't want anything to do" with you because of HIV.  That's her right. And you don't want to be with anyone who is so "fair-weather".
It doesn't make much sense avoiding mental health attention, with the reasoning you don't want people to know what is bothering you.  It's only going to be the social worker/pyschologist/shrink, and that is their job....
All HIV+ people face the same fears about being alone vis-a-vis "nobody will want me" but really its not true.  It does cut down on the pool of prospects, but there are godzillions of people in this world and they are not all narrow minded fair-weather types... 
You're doing a lot of things right, getting treatment, taking it seriously, etc.  But really its only going to be one compartment of your life, and you are so young, you have a lot of things to look forward to, a lot of things to build and enjoy and live..
The best thing would be finding an equilibrium where you are OK yourself with your status, and going about all your plans for life, and sooner or later the right person will come along and love you for the entire package...
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mitch777

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Re: Straight male living with HIV...how to cope with the pain
« Reply #7 on: July 10, 2013, 12:44:38 PM »
Hi Arob and welcome!

Great advice as usual from the other members. :)
I would just add that my husband and I have been together since 1994. He is HIV negative. It wasn't an issue to him. He just fell in love with the adorable guy that I am. ::)
I found out I was poz at the age of 23 in 1982. There were no life saving meds even at the time we met. Again, it didn't matter to him. As Mecch said, there are godzillions of people out there that will love another for who the person is.
In the mean time, you said your doctor helps in reducing some of your stress and anxiety. Well... counseling helps especially with the psychological and emotional aspects of anxiety and stress. I think you will even find the stress involved in making the first appointment will melt away after your first visit. Seeking help from a professional is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
Anyway, I'm glad you found this forum and hope to hear more from you.
It takes awhile for most (including me) after being diagnosed to wrap your head around it all. Try to give yourself a break and allow yourself time to adjust.
I've been "adjusting" for almost 31 years with the virus and 54 years being human. :)
33 years hiv+ with a curtsy.

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: Straight male living with HIV...how to cope with the pain
« Reply #8 on: July 10, 2013, 12:50:18 PM »


       It can be rough in the beginning, but trust it does get better.   You'll see with time that none of this is going to get in the way of possibilities of a bright future, only you can hold yourself back.

       Other than medical care, I see you're already on medication, the biggest obstacle to get over right now is the emotional rut one can fall into.  Be good to yourself, you've done nothing wrong.  Talking to a counselor as Jmarksto(and mecch) indicated might be helpful.

I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline vahope

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Re: Straight male living with HIV...how to cope with the pain
« Reply #9 on: July 10, 2013, 04:52:16 PM »
Im new to this as well and so far pple here give good advice...I jus stated my med and jus takin one day at a time

Offline 1in1000000

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Re: Straight male living with HIV...how to cope with the pain
« Reply #10 on: July 10, 2013, 06:16:58 PM »
Hi ArobSkillz.

Thank you for sharing.
It is very important to be heard.
You are not alone with this.
There are a lot of people who went through this pain.


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