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Author Topic: Saying good bye to two LTS close friends who passed, survivors guilt again:  (Read 5483 times)

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Offline jm1953

  • Member
  • Posts: 295
Hello Members,

Just paid tribute to two of my very closest friends in the "In Memorium" thread a few days back.  One passed in December, another a couple of weeks ago.  Both long term survivors who struggled with a long battle and finally lost to complications due to the AIDS virus, or so the doctor's say. 

Today I wrote a Eulogy for my friend who died in London and is now enroute to San Francisco his home of 20 years where he will be laid to rest.  His funeral is Thursday.  His partner has done an amazing job orchestrating transport of the deceased to SF, along with his mother and him flying back, and putting together a funeral and graveside service.

I can't attend unfortunatly as I live out of state, but sent a Eulogy among his partner's request, and a large arrangement of tropical flowers, my friend's favorite as he lived in Hawaii many years.

I'm sad.  I can't deny it.  And with this brings up why them and not me. Hello, survivor's guilt.  Having lost so many in the late 80's and 90's and lucky enough to be saved by the Crixivan trial in 1996, this all brings up alot of memories.  Now I'm beginning to feel it may be starting all over again.

The article recently published in the NY Times about living with AIDS over 50 which I'm sure you have read is a testament that we LTS have been rather forgotten or no longer recognized. Also, the post stating member's concern about our physician's retiring and no one to take their place.  My physcian in Hawaii had over 1,500 patients ranging from the Hawaiian Islands to Guam and the Cook Islands.  My physician here in Seattle has probably over 500.  Both are getting older and want to retire but feel they can't because of the lack of residents wanting to practice internal medicine and HIV.  So many what if's out there.

But back on track, my heart and prayers go out to the family, friends, and partners of both who recently passed.  They are all devastated.  For myself, this has brought up the countless losses I have had with friends and loved ones due to this virus, and can't seem to stop crying.  I miss them so much.

This almost sounds like a post from the late 80's or early 90's. but it hurts and make me wonder about my future.

I know you understand and have probably had these same feelings so I feel I share this with you.  Just appreciate your being here on this forum and understanding.


Positive 29 years. Diagnosed 10/1987.  Current CD 4: 720: Viral load: almost 100.  Current drug regimen, Tivicay, Emtriva, Endurant, Wellbutrin, Clonazepam, Uloric, Losartan Potassium,Allegra, Ambien, Testosterone, Nandrolone, Vicodin, Benedryl, Aspirin, lots of vitamin supplements.

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,785
Jeff, my condolences on your recent losses.  So hard to continue to let go of those we were so close to.

There have been more than a few clients who have passed away in the last year.  I'm having clients that I used to be friends with, and now don't do anything with these people outside of the office, which makes it isolating.  I am supposed to be having lunch with a long time advocate and a client, who is not my client, therefore continue to be friends with.  I'm looking forward to this.  They've both been around since the "old days." 

I was thinking about my poz friends and have realized most are from these forums.  I wish I could attend the AMG's and wish people lived a lot closer together, for socializing reasons.  And it brings up people I miss terribly, all taken too early.

So I can commiserate.  I hope you're able to find some peace and will send healing vibes your way.  It sounds like you've done everything you can to assist the surviving partner and family, with the service.  I'm sure writing the eulogy was difficult, but it's wonderful you were able to do that.  That speaks volumes about the type of friend you were.  And are to other friends you have.  I only wish you peace, and a continued fighting spirit.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline jm1953

  • Member
  • Posts: 295
Thanks BT for your reply and condolences. Sometimes I feel bad posting subjects like these as they aren't very uplifting for the other members to read.  I don't have many friends left who have HIV so I rely more and more on this forum for support, understanding, learning, and sharing.  It sounds like through your work as a case manager you are well in tune with this being on the front lines.  I wish I had someone like you here where I live as a case manager.  We are a city of 3.4 million people and the ASO seems very disorganized.  I have heard from them twice in the five years I have lived here and have reached out to them several times.  It's like we don't talk about HIV here except at the doctor's office.  It is an isolating feeling.  And I don't want to burden my negative friends with all my illness's and problems.  One thing I've learned are people don't want to be around sad people and for good reason I guess.  Thanks again for your support.  I really appreciate it! 
Best to you,

Positive 29 years. Diagnosed 10/1987.  Current CD 4: 720: Viral load: almost 100.  Current drug regimen, Tivicay, Emtriva, Endurant, Wellbutrin, Clonazepam, Uloric, Losartan Potassium,Allegra, Ambien, Testosterone, Nandrolone, Vicodin, Benedryl, Aspirin, lots of vitamin supplements.

Offline mitch777

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,087
Dear Jeff,
Sadness is a part of our lives. Just a part, but an important part.
I am grateful that you are willing to share it with us.
This is what these forums are about.

This is a time of need.
We are here for you.
33 years hiv+ with a curtsy.

Offline anniebc

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,174
  • AM member since 2003
Hi Jeff

I'm so sorry to read aout your loss, I have lost a few friends I met here in the forums, and in person at the AMG's, it's never easy saying goodbye to those we loved and to those we have watch over during their struggles.

I hope you find the strength to get over the loss of a your firends.

In sadness
Jan :'(

Edited to add my apologies, I just realized this is the LTS forum, if the Mods need to they can remove my post.
« Last Edit: June 07, 2013, 01:29:28 AM by anniebc »
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline wolfter

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,470
I read this post previously but couldn't bring myself to comment at the time.  So much of it resonates with me.  I understand completely the range of emotions you're dealing with.

Wishing you well as you're dealing with this loss.

Being honest is not wronging others, continuing the dishonesty is.

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,517
  • 32 years positive, 60 years a pain in the butt
Hey Jeff,

Sorry I am late with this, I have had computer issues.

What you are saying is all too true. We are all but forgotten relics. The young people today don't understand us or our lives, and those peers who still live seem to not want to be associated.

But we still have each other and, as long as we do, we are not forgotten.

Let's continue to walk together.


"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline Theyer

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,695
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Take good care off your self during this sad time Jeff. It seems a lot off us cannot just experience the death off a loved one without all the others coming back to say hello. It is a particular sadness , one that I am wary off .

Like Betty I would love to attend a AMG.

All good things to you
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline jm1953

  • Member
  • Posts: 295
Thanks everyone for your support and kindness.  It really means a lot.  I feel better not being alone feeling this way.  You are all great!

Best to you,

Positive 29 years. Diagnosed 10/1987.  Current CD 4: 720: Viral load: almost 100.  Current drug regimen, Tivicay, Emtriva, Endurant, Wellbutrin, Clonazepam, Uloric, Losartan Potassium,Allegra, Ambien, Testosterone, Nandrolone, Vicodin, Benedryl, Aspirin, lots of vitamin supplements.

Offline AlanBama

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,670
  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
I sympathize with you Jeff.   I know exactly how you feel, too. I also have survivor's guilt, along with a host of other issues (both mental and physical).  No one can know what it is like to live so long with this disease, and have the health problems we have, unless you are actually in our shoes, walking around in them.

I am extremely disillusioned with the general state of medical care that I receive now, as compared to 20-25 yrs ago.   If when I was first diagnosed with AIDS I had had to deal with the health care system I have in place now, I would have died for sure, because there is no way I would have had the strength to fight for every single thing.  I have to argue, bitch, complain, and carry on, just to get a prescription written, or to get a phone call returned.  No explanations for lab results, no call-backs regarding tests, etc....it is all just TOO much.   

My thoughts and prayers are with you, my fellow LTS, and I hope that we can continue to keep the faith, and keep on keeping on.

HUGS, Alan

"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline weasel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,873

  I'm very sorry for your loss Jeff .
    Often i find losing friends from AIDS this day and age drives me into a depression also .   It seems so unfair to loose friends now when we
have good drugs to " Fix all " 

     I am reading this thread , after losing three friends to AIDS this summer
and three friends to Cancer . Not a good summer for me .

   I pray you find peace , We  should never feel guilty for being alive .

" Live and let Live "

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,105
At a loss for words.  My condolences Jeff.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Mishma

  • Member
  • Posts: 234
  • HIV drugs are our Allies but hardly our Friends
    • Marquis de Vauban
Saying good bye to two LTS close friends who passed, survivors guilt again:
« Reply #12 on: September 15, 2013, 04:06:05 PM »
Sorry for your loss Jeff.
2016 CD4 25% UD (less than 20). 30+ years positive. Dolutegravir, Acyclovir, Clonazepam, Lisinopril, Quetiapine, Sumatriptan/Naproxen, Restasis, Latanoprost, Asprin, Levothyroxine, Restasis, Triamcinolone.


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