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Author Topic: Diving in  (Read 3297 times)

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Offline Justme2012

  • Member
  • Posts: 14
Diving in
« on: March 01, 2013, 06:42:19 PM »
I tested positive back in January, which was a big surprise to me. My viral load was low and my Cd4 was not all that bad.
Never been sick or anything but always highly suspicious about an ex-boyfriend, he turned out to not be faithful and I probably was infected from him.
But, back to now. I was dating someone at the time and had to tell him. He tested negative and after a few weeks has told me that he does not wish to further our relationship sexually. He has been going back and forth because I know, as he has said, is still attracted to me but he's already a hypochondriac as it is and now that he knows he can't help but freak out.
Now, I'm a little wary of dating new people. I already have a hard time connecting with people and now that I'm positive, it's double duty for me. I don't even know where to start. And just when I was starting to figure out this whole dating thing.
Biggest fear, even before I knew my status, is just being alone. I like the affection of people and fear that my status will keep me from being affectionate with people that I want to be close to. Just imagining someone freaking out makes me sad and well depressed.
With all the stress of everything that has happened I have lost weight and am losing confidence. I try to fake it when I go out but worry when I meet people, how the hell am I going to take that first step. Have always felt like my love life has been a challenge and now this.
The thought of being alone forever is really starting to get to me. I have only dated 8 people and I'm in my mid 30s. People tell me I'm attractive but I know that my lack of self confidence shows every now and then. Well it shows more than I want but can't help it.
Anyone out there with advice???
1/19/13 tested poz
1/23/13 Cd4 339 VL 90
1/23/13 start Atripla
2/21/13 Cd4 553 VL undetectable

Offline Jessy

  • Member
  • Posts: 23
Re: Diving in
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2013, 05:06:15 AM »
Hi Justme,
Iam sorry I have to welcome you to this site but having said that you are in the right place :)
Anyway you seem to be coping well with your hiv diagnosis or so  it seems by what you have wtitten and thats a very good thing.I have a few things to say to you: When one loses self confidence,it often because of things that have happened...and more recently your new status,find out what are the contributing factors to how you feel about yourself and work towards making some changes to help build your confidence back.Second,learn to love your self first then you will be loved,I learnt that the hard way.Dont entertain thoughts that you aint good at connecting with people because then it wont work.Hiv is just a disease like any other so if you meet some one who rejects you simply because of your hiv status...good riddance,such people are not worth hanging around with.Just have a positive mental attitude,love yourself and you will meet a special person who will love you just the way you are.
Ps:If you tell your self that you have a hard time connecting with people then it will be hard for you.A mind is a very powerful thing, "Thoughts become things,choose the good ones".I used to be very much like you in that respect.Go gal....good luck :)

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,785
Re: Diving in
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2013, 06:21:20 AM »
Hi justme, and welcome.  I can tell you that you will most likely meet someone who will love you for you.  I've been dealing with this for over 20 years, and was actually married to someone who was negative.  We didn't divorce because of the HIV either. 

If it's getting to the point that you're losing weight due to the depression, I would suggest seeking the assistance of a therapist.  I saw one for years, and it really does help.  It helps to bounce things off an expert that can help you change the way you see things, and yourself.  We as an online support, can only do so much.  To see someone face-to-face is helpful.

Try to find the nearest ASO (Aids service organization) and see if they have any therapists they can recommend who have experience with HIV+ people.  You may also want to ask if they have any support groups and think about attending one.  Then you can meet others dealing with this and see how they have dealt with trying to meet potential partners, telling them their status etc. 

We are here, so if you want to vent more, vent away!  I hope to hear more from you.

I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline fveryspecial

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
  • Live life to the fullest til GOD calls ya home.
Re: Diving in
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2013, 06:27:35 PM »
Hi Justme,
The best thing I can tell you is to find yourself before you can be able to give yourself to anyone else. You have to have confidence and self gratification with yourself that can be show both inside and out. People already gravitate to you in a good way so why don't you take this opportunity to just work on you for a while. Discoveries can be all the blessings you might need to start anew. :)

Appreciate the Moment

The most precious treasure on earth is My heart...When I share it with you, protect it as if it was your own...

Offline pozswm

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
  • Live, love, laugh and learn
Re: Diving in
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2013, 05:04:42 PM »
When you feel you are ready to try dating again - this site I see has personals but I met the love of my life on positivesingles.com or pos.com. That way you may see many people in the same situation as you - and feel compelled to connect with. Remember - you are not any different than you were before - you just have a health issue that needs monitoring :)
BTW - SWM stands for "super"woman not single white male...lol
Just a play on acronyms :)
Diagnosed 1995 infected 8/1993

Offline vivyt

  • Member
  • Posts: 565
Re: Diving in
« Reply #5 on: April 02, 2013, 11:44:16 PM »
Hi Justme,

I totally know how you feel. It is scary to put yourself out there. These ladies here are a great resource and offer loads of support. Hang in there!


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