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Author Topic: It Doesn't Feel Real, Yet...  (Read 5826 times)

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Offline HHJ1976

  • Member
  • Posts: 7
It Doesn't Feel Real, Yet...
« on: October 11, 2006, 09:44:00 PM »
Well, let's see here...  Where to begin. 

My last OB/GYN visit was in May of 2005, and they did an entire network of blood, and I was fine.  They had tested for HIV, and everything was a-okay.

I'm not going to try to blame the dude who got me into this mess, because honestly, it takes two.  I had the results confirmed positive from the Western Blot yesterday, and I spent most of my day today calling anyone that I slept with since my last test, even if we did use condoms.  I may end up dead, now, from one of those people, but they need to know.

I haven't gone in for my CD4 and viral load counts.  That's my belated birthday present for next week.  I don't feel sick, and I haven't felt sick since I probably got infected.  Shoot, to be honest, I NEVER get sick.

I'm not scared, yet, and I'm not mad.  To be honest, it doesn't even feel real.  It feels like I'm in someone else's bad dream, and that I'll wake up any moment.

I think that the only thing that I am truly concerned about at this point is that when the doctor confirmed that I was positive, he also confirmed that I am pregnant.  My husband and I desperately want a child, but the doctor told me at the counseling session that I will have to take AZT (whatever the hell kind of med that is...  I still have to read up on it.  Aside from the fact that it was one of the first AIDS drugs used, I don't know much about side effects, and such.  I promise I'll read on it to keep from sounding ignorant in the future.  I don't understand any of this stuff, other than the fact that I'm not going to live until I'm eighty, most likely) throughout my pregnancy, and that the baby will have to take it after it's born.

I think that if this day could get any better, I might just puke.   :(
« Last Edit: October 11, 2006, 10:00:31 PM by HHJ1976 »

Offline Life

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,389
  • Member 2005
Re: It Doesn't Feel Real, Yet...
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2006, 10:41:19 PM »
Ah dont puke, youll just have to clean it up....  Hang in there... Your in the right place for love and support and a long life.  Congradulations on the impending baby...  Wow,  life is great... And it will be...


Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 32,265
Re: It Doesn't Feel Real, Yet...
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2006, 09:09:13 AM »
Dear HHJ,

I'm glad you have found your way to our site. It's going to take a while for you to absob and get used to having HIV in your life. And even though IT and the issues connected with it may loom super-large to you now and in the coming weeks, gradually it's going to settle into place. And become a part of your life, but not by any means all that your life is about.

It's essential that you have a good  working relationship with your doctor and that he/she regularly monitors your numbers. No doubt you are concerned about your baby's health as well. I can tell you that the success rate with using AZT is very high in terms of being able to protect your unborn baby's seronegative status.

As far as you and your husband are concerned try and keep your communicating as simple, direct and honest as possible. That will help you to maintain the intimacy in your relationship in every way. You need to know that many thousands of couples are living together happily in every way including sexually, while protecting the status of the sero-negative partner. And you two can do that as well. It is important that whenever you have intercourse he should always be wearing a latex condom.

Most of all, don't feel you have to rush to do anything right now, including disclosing your status to others in your life. Take your time, and by and by, things will fall into place. Really.

You're always welcome here to ask questions or to discuss anything that's on your mind.

Andy Velez

Offline Beatz4me

  • Member
  • Posts: 39
Re: It Doesn't Feel Real, Yet...
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2006, 12:08:59 PM »
Hang in there HH...It will sink in when you are strong enough to deal with it...Trust me, it does get easier with time. 

Offline dingowarrior

  • Member
  • Posts: 191
Re: It Doesn't Feel Real, Yet...
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2006, 02:45:22 PM »
hate to sound dumb, but why cant we live till 80?

bearing any other unforseen circumstance...i spoke to someone on a hotline and he told me he was 77..he's had the virus 25 years.

Offline Beatz4me

  • Member
  • Posts: 39
Re: It Doesn't Feel Real, Yet...
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2006, 02:57:01 PM »
In an attempt to sound funny...I never want to get to the polyester phase..Seriously, how do you know you wont ???

I kow that I have started taking better care of myself since the diagnosis..I have quit smoking and eat fish (used to hate fish)..I actually think I'm in better health than my neg friends...We're gonna live forever !

Offline dingowarrior

  • Member
  • Posts: 191
Re: It Doesn't Feel Real, Yet...
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2006, 03:06:54 PM »

Offline Queen Tokelove

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  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: It Doesn't Feel Real, Yet...
« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2006, 05:42:44 PM »

I know finding out that you are poz has you upset right now. We have all been there and like many says, it's gets better in time. I do not know much about hiv and being pregnant but I have heard that babies come out fine.

You are already taking the first step by admitting it did take 2 instead of pointing the finger or blaming the other. I will even say you are bold because you are making the attempt to tell those who you've slept with. It will prolly be an emotional rollercoaster but I don't think anyone will kill you. I felt that way when my sister decided to tell someone I was intimate with. I have seen him since and I am still alive and walking even though if looks could kill, I would've suffered several deaths....*LOL*

I have been on this site for a short while but I love it already because of the people and their posts. There are some things we have in common and some things I look at as future reference if I'm not at a certain point. It is also good to know that there are others that goes through some of the same things you do. Welcome to the site. Like my doctor told me once, " You can choose to live to live or you can choose to live to die", it may sound harsh but it is the truth. Good Luck!


Queen Akasha
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline HHJ1976

  • Member
  • Posts: 7
Re: It Doesn't Feel Real, Yet...
« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2006, 08:16:42 AM »
I want to thank all of you for your posts.  I'm in a bit of a negative mindframe (although I've always been a bit of a cynic, anyways), but obviously, I'm a little bit more cynical, now.  My husband may be joining this site, too.  He went to get tested yesterday.  He told me that if he has it, he has it.  It doesn't change our relationship, with an exception of the fact that we both are going to start taking better care of ourselves.

To tell you the truth, though, I was thinking about being eighty, and that thought just doesn't appeal to me too much.  lol...  Well, not the Depends part, anyways.  Most of my family passes from heart trouble before then, so, it's probably not going to be the HIV that whacks me out if I live to be a senior.  I was just being a bit of a pessimist when I wrote that (hopefully, understandably so).

I'm tired, and I'm getting depressed, but you've reassured me in the success rate of AZT of protecting my baby from getting HIV, too.  I want him or her to be able to live a life without the stigma of HIV, and to be able to live day to day without medication and blood counts.  I pray that my husband doesn't have it.  Actually, right now, I'm praying a lot of things.   :-[


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