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Author Topic: I am not doing so great  (Read 4108 times)

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Offline Cherie

  • Member
  • Posts: 44
I am not doing so great
« on: October 08, 2006, 06:01:32 PM »
I am not doing so great these days dealing with the poz news.I am only eight months into this and l am ready to give up and hide for the rest of my life.

I am so angry at my ex for giving me this....

I know l am depressed and my Doctor has sent me for therapy. It just seems right now everything is black.

How dio l get out of this mind set? I am trying real hard to and nothing seems to be working.

"An adventure may be worn as a muddy spot or it may be worn as a proud insignia.It is the woman wearing it who  makes it one thing or the other."

Offline LatinAlexander

  • Member
  • Posts: 599
  • Bogota, Colombia
Re: I am not doing so great
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2006, 06:06:55 PM »
Fight sweetie...We are in this shit together.....

I know how it feels. I was diagnosed almost 3 months ago....I will say nothing



Poz since Jul 19 2006
Initial numbers : CD4-250 VL 3500
First labs after HAART (Dec 04-2006) : CD4-432 VL-<40 (Undetectable)  cd4%=25.11%
Started HAART: Combivir+Efavirenz Aug 26 7:38 pm
Feb 08 2007 - Gradually stopping HAART cause of Myalgia. Protecting Efavirenz. Stopped Efavirenz, ahead with Combivir....
February 17 Combivir stopped.
April 3 -07 : Started ddi+3tc+efavirenz...
Gay and positive (What a lack of Identity...:) )
Looking for my Ben....

Offline Life

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,389
  • Member 2005
Re: I am not doing so great
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2006, 06:53:02 PM »
Cherie... Council is a great way to work through this.   I have found grabbing one of the guys/girls from the forums in the form of a PM and talk to the ones that you identify with and hear their thoughts on how your feeling...   I have avoided professional council with the love and support right here...   I advocate nothing, this has just worked for me..   I would urge you to to stop looking back over your shoulder, else you are liable to walk right into a wall.   Placing blame for me was something I avoided at all costs.   Its done.  I cant take this one back.   Always look forward and maybe don't look further than today...  In time, this will clear... I am sure you would agree, that it takes awhile for the dust to settle...


Offline poobear

  • Member
  • Posts: 112
Re: I am not doing so great
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2006, 09:23:46 PM »
Hi Cherie,
    Sorry you are feeling so depressed.  Just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I think you are doing what you can for now.  Counseling is a great way to start.  Give counseling some time to work, they teach you healthy ways to cope .   This is from my experience.  If you do not like the counselor try another one.  It is not that easy to just snap out of it.  you are dealing with a life changing diagnosis.  Do what you can and you will eventually start to see the light.  And vent as much as you need to .  We are all in this together.  Rachel is embracing you and giving you a great big hug.  Cherie hang in there it does get better.  Rachel

Offline joemutt

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,062
Re: I am not doing so great
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2006, 10:09:33 PM »
I'm sorry you're not doing well. I think we all go through deep dispair
sometimes. Don't fight it by yourself alone. Counseling is a good idea,
and coming here to share with those who can feel your pain somehow.
Be Well.

Offline wellington

  • Member
  • Posts: 509
  • Don't sweat the little things.
Re: I am not doing so great
« Reply #5 on: October 08, 2006, 11:06:56 PM »
I'm a strong believer in expressing the troubles that make us ill - here, in print, out loud in front of a mirror, to a trained professional, whatever it takes. The power of the human voice is not to be underestimated.

Being poz is not the end of the world but at times it makes seeing the good really damn hard. I'm not ashamed to say that I've thought, more than once, about just giving up. I probably would have done that too if I wasn't so stubborn and competetive. There's no way in hell that this bug is going to take my humanity from me. In some ways, it has made me feel even more human. I recognize that I've still much to give to others, and to better myself in the process. I'd like to think that when the world is a better place than when I entered, then my journey will be complete.

I was diagnosed in February, 2006. It wasn't the best birthday gift I've ever received but like many gifts, there is usually a reason. We just have to find it.

Wishing you great fortitude and love,

Offline Teresa

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,754
Re: I am not doing so great
« Reply #6 on: October 08, 2006, 11:55:13 PM »

Sending you good thoughts and prayers!

Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)

Offline Alain

  • Member
  • Posts: 680
  • I am.
Re: I am not doing so great
« Reply #7 on: October 09, 2006, 09:09:55 AM »
« Last Edit: November 03, 2006, 09:18:53 PM by cowandalehouse »

Offline Christine

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,069
Re: I am not doing so great
« Reply #8 on: October 09, 2006, 10:41:07 AM »
I think it is one day at a time. And I think it is the acceptance that there are going to be good days and bad days, and when the bad days happen one needs to realize that it is bad, find something that comforts you on those bad days, and remember that another good day will happen.

I also see a therapist which has helped to have more good days than bad.

Poz since '93. Currently on Procrit, Azithromax, Pentamidine, Valcyte, Levothyroxine, Zoloft, Epzicom, Prezista, Viread, Norvir, and GS-9137 study drug. As needed: Trazodone, Atavan, Diflucan, Zofran, Hydrocodone, Octreotide

5/30/07 t-cells 9; vl 275,000

Offline stevevaboy

  • Member
  • Posts: 60
  • In disguise ;>)
Re: I am not doing so great
« Reply #9 on: October 09, 2006, 11:52:03 AM »
I've been poz for a couple of years now and I've always battled depression, which was, of course, worsened by the diagnosis.  I've taken a number of anti-depressants over the years and now just refuse to use.  When I have a good day I just try to enjoy it and when it's a bad day I just try to get through it.  For me, I find being outdoors very helpful... long walks in scenic places, sitting somewhere overlooking water, etc....  I live near the beach so that's been awesome for my mood.  If I do ANYTHING productive on those bad days, like a load of laundry, I give myself a pat on the back.  I literrally talk to myself to give encouragement and to reward myself for accomplishing some task.

Regardless of HIV status, depression can be a tough fight, but dwelling on negative thoughts (like how you got infected) is NOT going to help AT ALL.  Tonight I'm attending my first of an 8 week series of classes on Overcoming Depression.  It's not necessarily a support group type of class, as I understand it, but a class on coping and getting past depression.  I'm curious to see the outcome.

Good luck with your mood issue!  You can fight it and give it all you've got, but don't be too hard on yourself.  Find a happy place... it could be at a lake, in a book or movie, but find it when necessary!


Offline Razorbill

  • Member
  • Posts: 622
Re: I am not doing so great
« Reply #10 on: October 09, 2006, 12:07:57 PM »
Hey Cherie,
   Sorry to hear you're bummed.  Anger is very destructive and draining.  Unfortunately it's also the last thing to fade after a bad relationship.  When I have flashes of anger about my ex, I try to breathe deep and refocus.  It works.
   As for the HIV, the only thing I can say is push it down your priority list as far as possible.  Try not to focus on it.  If you have to take a pill, think about it for the minute you take a pill.  If you have to deal with insurance bullshit, think about it for the time of the phone call. 
   My doctor once told me that HIV was a challenge.  He said I was lucky, that there were other, more common diagnoses that were far worse - cancers, stroke, diabetes, MS etc...  Strange as it may seem thinking about it in that context and being mindful of the much more terrible suffering of people ravaged by diabetes or children with cancer- or yes people who are severly damaged by AIDS, helps put it in perspective.  We all have a lot of inner strength to overcome and deal, set your vision on how you want your life to be and step forward and live it.  If you focus on the vision, and not on the obstacles, you'll walk right through the obstacles as if they weren't even there.  Good luck and big hugs.

Offline bobik

  • Member
  • Posts: 315
    • My worksite
Re: I am not doing so great
« Reply #11 on: October 09, 2006, 02:31:21 PM »
Hey Cherie,

Being angry with your ex costs energy, and you need all your energy for yourself, now.

Vent here if you want, but I think the counseling idea is good!

Coen Honig at Facebook

Offline sha2003

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Re: I am not doing so great
« Reply #12 on: October 09, 2006, 05:32:20 PM »
I know its hard but u have to be strong and fight with all u have.My mate gave it to me to and it made are relationship really bad.So what i do to be strong is fight hiv with all i have.I learn much as i can about the virse by going to trainings and seeking for understand .So i can help somebody else.You have to turn a negative until a positive.Going to therapy is your first step back to peace within yourself.I'm stilll up set but i have to fight this because if i dont not only  will it affect me but people around me.So be strong and dont give up this is not the end just a new begining!!!!!!!!!!!!! smile 

Offline naftalim

  • Member
  • Posts: 102
Re: I am not doing so great
« Reply #13 on: October 12, 2006, 12:49:40 AM »
Hi Cherie,

You took two very important steps in dealing with your feelings.

1) You wrote them down. This in itself is very important as you are clearly expressing how you feel, and not just thinking about it.

2) You posted those thoughts/feelings in the most appropriate place, this forum. In here, you have people who have been living with this for over 20 years, people who dealt with this issue when there was no medication, no information, and no support. Then you have people that were just infected/diagnosed recently and are in the raw stages of going through the full range of emotions that can be expected, from shock, anger, depression, fear etc.

This will tell you, that you too will go through these moments, and you need to go through them, they are totally natural. I would not believe that someone could contract this disease and not experience any of the above. You will soon find that as you come to the realization that all is not lost, and that you will not die next week, and that life goes on, the difficult moments will be just that, moments.

If I may cite my own experience as an example. I was diagnosed in May of 2005 but apparently infected as far back as 1999. I am straight and, though well-read, knew practically nothing about HIV. As well, my social circle is straight, and therefoire also not very knowledgeable about this issue. In the first month, I was sure that I was going to die within the year, I prepared a will, and began to count down. Then, when I realized that I would actually last much longer, I thought that I would be very sick and unable to work and would lose my home and be out in the street. Then I met my Doctor, got on meds, and have been improving steadily. I work, do sports, hang out with my friends. Sure, I still have my moments, mostly to do with relationship issues, but who said life was perfect?

Sure, thoughts of ending it went through my mind, but I thought to myself, "What message am I sending to those I love, to my young niece who is very close to me, that in difficult times, the answer is to escape?" As well, we all only have one kick at the can, so despite everything, its still better to be aliive than not.

So, Cheire, take it day by day in the beginning, accept that you will go through these emotions, but you are alive, you have your faculties, and your capabilities, and you can still do good things for you and those around you.

On a more practical note, what are the hobbies/activities you like to do, things that have always given you joy? For me, it is running, that is my therapy. (Its much cheaper and better for you than a professional)

Offline SoSadTooBad

  • Member
  • Posts: 259
Re: I am not doing so great
« Reply #14 on: October 12, 2006, 08:53:12 PM »
Cherie - let me add my words of support.  As someone also newly diagnosed, I too have struggled with how to create a constructive path forward.  It is very hard to move past regrets and trying to undo the past - but you can't, and frankly, it is not worth your energy to try.

Concentrate on the things that make you truly happy - however mundane or routine they may be.  For me, a a ride in the car with the radio up loud, an ice cream sundae, dinner at my favorite restaurant, or a trip to an amusement park still make me smile like they always did. 

Take comfort in the fact that your life is not over, just different - a lot different, but your capacity to adapt is far greater than you realize. 

Hang in there - I will have a smile in your honor the next time I hit Dairy Queen and they hand me that butterscotch sundae.  :-)

Offline Cherie

  • Member
  • Posts: 44
Re: I am not doing so great
« Reply #15 on: October 13, 2006, 02:33:19 AM »
Ok a update.

I have seen the therapist and l am starting Prozac. I have read all your answers and you all have made see it is not going to be like this forever.

I am taking care of me as in exercise and small things that make me happy. I know the anger l am dealing with is not healthy but at least l know l am angry.

I am taking this one day at time right now.

"An adventure may be worn as a muddy spot or it may be worn as a proud insignia.It is the woman wearing it who  makes it one thing or the other."

Offline Eldon

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,664
Re: I am not doing so great
« Reply #16 on: October 13, 2006, 02:52:38 AM »
Hello Cherie,

Thank you for the update. It is a GOOD thing that you have turned your focus to doing positive things and exercising. This will make a world of a difference to you. Also, practice Breathing exercises as well and set aside some time to relax and unwind. It is you who control your anger.

Also, if you have not already done so, you may want to start a personal journal. Writting is powerful and it is therapeutic as well.

Make the BEST of each Day!

Offline Queen Tokelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: I am not doing so great
« Reply #17 on: October 13, 2006, 04:01:47 AM »

I'm glad things are getting better for you. I was angry too with my ex at first but I never let him know it.
Writing has always been my way of venting my feelings, so I wrote him a letter and trust me if he saw what I had written in it, he would've slept with one eye open.

My sisters disclosed my status without my permission, I am still angry about that, so much so I don't speak to them. I have even wished that they would become infected, so then they could walk a mile in my shoes, I honestly don't think they would make it. I know that prolly sounds evil but I can't help it. I wish I could get over it but I haven't. I have learned not to dwell on it or let the anger rule my life.

I have been on this site a short while, but I must thank a friend for recommending it to me. Being able to read others posts, see what they are dealing with and share my feelings and opinions have been very theruputic (sp?) for me. So much so that it is now 4am and I am still up! I will keep you in my prayers and I know the people here will help you get through this down moment.
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline sailorboi8993

  • Member
  • Posts: 43
  • been poz since 4-2003
Re: I am not doing so great
« Reply #18 on: October 13, 2006, 12:27:28 PM »
       I know that it's rough to get the news that your HIV+ however remember it's not the end of the world. I understand that it's hard to deal with. A good way to deal with it is by going to a support group... or having close friends to talk to. Also remember we are here for you. I felt the same way when I found out I was POZ. And I got it the same way, my ex gave it to me.... I found out I was POZ in April, 2003. And I went through a spell of depression.... but then I came to a conclution that I will beat this thing. I feel that sometime in the future that they will find a cure for this virus. But until then we have to learn to live with it. I started saying that I may have HIV but HIV don't have me...and still I have some days that are rough but I never give up. So please hang in there be tough and don't give up. We are all here for you. I hope things get better.....May God Bless You Always.
                                                                       Huggs and Kisses,
                                                                             Brad ;)
Later Brad


I may have HIV but HIV does not have me


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