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Author Topic: Still numb  (Read 4340 times)

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Offline Peaceful_Rhino

  • Member
  • Posts: 12
Still numb
« on: July 03, 2012, 09:46:31 AM »
Today is my 43rd birthday.  Yesterday I tested HIV positive and am awaiting confirmatory results. I am not holding out hope that in two weeks the world will be changed.  I'm surprisingly numb at this point…it’s not like I'm shocked by the results but at the same time I felt invincible and it wouldn't happen to me.  As I write that, I feel the arrogance and stupidity of my actions. I know that I can't change it and pray that I find the courage to be strong as I live with the diagnosis. 

I know I have more to say but just can't find the appropriate words.  Like I said, I feel numb, almost nothing, hollow.  No anger, a little fear but mostly numb.

The counselor I spoke with after the results said it was a normal feeling...I hope so…I would have expected to feel something “more”.  I know this will be an emotional and physical roller coaster…just shocked by the numbness…that’s all.

Thanks for letting me post and get my feelings on paper…and funny, typing that sentence brought tears to eyes.
4/1/13 - CD4-828/34%, VL=UD...BAM!
12/31/12 - CD4-579/27%, VL=UD
10/26/12 - CD4-497/22%, VL=UD
9/9/12 - Started Truvada/Isentress
7/24/12 - CD4-410/13%, VL 26,700
7/2/12 - Tested POZ

"Success is how high you bounce when you hit rock bottom."

-George Patton

Offline pinoypositive

  • Member
  • Posts: 11
Re: Still numb
« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2012, 11:45:54 AM »
Hi there Peaceful_Rhino!

I totally understand how you feel right now because that's the same feeling i had when i was waiting for my confirmatory result. When I learned that I'm positive via the screening test, I asked the counselor for support groups that i can talk to. but i was advised that until the confirmatory result comes out, I am still not considered hiv positive.

I waited for 4 weeks for my confirmatory result, and that was the most agonizing 4 weeks of my life ever. but if i try to look back, what helped me in those times are the resources i found over the internet. This forum, or this site in general, helped me answer a lot of questions i had in my mind.

There's support everywhere. And whenever you feel down, or if you have any questions in mind, you might find some of the answers here.

For now, just hang on and be strong.


Pinoy Positive

Offline Lad_Liam

  • Member
  • Posts: 56
  • it's a hitchhiker, not a hijacker
Re: Still numb
« Reply #2 on: July 04, 2012, 08:20:59 AM »
Hi Peaceful_Rhino
Sorry to hear the news, but welcome.  Numb now is normal. It will get better in time. Reading the 'just diagnosed' sections here is a great start for ideas, tips and experience.
My Two Cents Worth is:
* Don't beat yourself up over past behaviors. You didn't do anything wrong or unnatural, it's just how this virus travels.
* Get a good relationship with your Dr and and an understanding if this status, and what practical things you can do in your life to stay in top of it.
* Plan for a fantastic future.

Good luck, you have support here.
a new dark passenger joins the ride

Offline Peaceful_Rhino

  • Member
  • Posts: 12
Re: Still numb
« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2012, 08:14:52 AM »
Thank you both pinoypositive and Lad_Liam for your thoughts and comments. 

The numbness has subsided and now I am in an anxious, waiting period.  Having devoured the internet for information, I am anxious to "get the ball rolling"...get the confirmatory results, get blood work so I know my levels, meet with Dr's, etc.  My  Type A personality is kicking into very high gear.

I think it's my way of dealing with it...bulldoze through it, get the house in order in case I have that emotional  meltdown I fear. 

Again, thank you both for your advice and comments...they are very much appreciated!

4/1/13 - CD4-828/34%, VL=UD...BAM!
12/31/12 - CD4-579/27%, VL=UD
10/26/12 - CD4-497/22%, VL=UD
9/9/12 - Started Truvada/Isentress
7/24/12 - CD4-410/13%, VL 26,700
7/2/12 - Tested POZ

"Success is how high you bounce when you hit rock bottom."

-George Patton

Offline NY2011

  • Member
  • Posts: 172
Re: Still numb
« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2012, 12:48:00 AM »
Hey. so much shit will run through your head. Just let the thoughts run freely through your mind, but try not to judge them. It sounds like you have what it takes to handle yourself the right way.  Stay strong for yourself and the ones that love you.
10/26/2011 - SEROCONVERSION (104F fever+rash)
10/31/2011 - CD4= 154  VL>500,000 
10/31/2011 - started on Truvada+Prezista+Norvir
12/14/2011 - CD4= 750 VL=6412 (45%)
01/27/2012 - switched to Atripla
04/23/2012 - CD4=1,221 VL= 140  (47%)
06/22/2012 - CD4=1,224 VL= ud    (49%)
12/18/2012 - CD4=1,031 VL= ud    (51%)
09/16/2013 - CD4=1,151 VL= ud   (49%)
03/26/2014 - CD4=1,050 VL= ud
11/25/2014 - CD4=1,335 VL= ud
12/01/2015 - CD4=1,115 VL= ud  (55%)

Offline surf18

  • Member
  • Posts: 533
Re: Still numb
« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2012, 10:58:41 PM »
Yea numbness is normal. I couldn't believe it either. This stuff didnt happen to me.
I was put on anti anxiety meds the first week or so, havtalk about numb.
I devoured positive thinking books and feel that really helped me.

Then after first dr appt I felt more hopeful. Discovered this place which is a god send. It's nice to have a place where people know what your going through. No counselor ,bf/gf family can understand what your going through. Here you will find a community and I know when the cure comes I'm going to hear about here before I'd hear from my dr.

Hang in there and happy birthday. It does get better.

Offline WillyWump

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,367
Re: Still numb
« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2012, 05:02:22 PM »
Happy Bday Peaceful, and here's to many many more (which you will most certainly ahve).

I was diagnosed when I was 40, and I too thought it would naver happen to me. For some stupid reason I felt invincible. But it happened, and it sucked. But It does get better, today, 4 years later, I am living an aboslutely normal, happy life. Probably not much different than if I was negative, except for those quarterly labs:)

Hang in there buddy.

POZ since '08

Last Labs-
11-6-14 CD4- 871, UD
6/3/14 CD4- 736, UD 34%
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir

Offline Peaceful_Rhino

  • Member
  • Posts: 12
Re: Still numb
« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2012, 09:20:12 AM »
Thanks NY2011, Surf18 and Willy...yes, lots going through the mind and I'm taking it all in stride. 

As suspected, confirmatory results did not reverse the initial diagnosis.  Will have CD4 and VL back on 8/1...the vegas odds boards on count guesses will be opening soon ;-)

Working on relaxing...the fatigue is unbelievable...this is what triggered for me that something was off and not just the "normal" signs of middle age.  Fortunately, I work from home and am able to get a good 15-30 minute nap in the early afternoon when I start to nod off at my desk.  Boss and company are being supportive of my "chronic illness" diagnosis while I get the initial workups done, etc.

Thanks to these forums and you all on here, I am in a much better place.  The support is very much appreciated and I look forward to my long life ahead!  Now to go nap...

4/1/13 - CD4-828/34%, VL=UD...BAM!
12/31/12 - CD4-579/27%, VL=UD
10/26/12 - CD4-497/22%, VL=UD
9/9/12 - Started Truvada/Isentress
7/24/12 - CD4-410/13%, VL 26,700
7/2/12 - Tested POZ

"Success is how high you bounce when you hit rock bottom."

-George Patton


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